I don't know what to do. I've been married to a great guy for 17 years and feel like I've never really loved him. Not like I should at least. I definitely care about him. He is a great father (of three) to our kids and has a good job etc. I'm the one who is unhappy and dissatisfied. I wonder if I'm going through a mid-life crisis, or if I just really don't love him anymore. Everything he does irritates me and I just don't feel sexual towards him at all. I feel like I'm his daughter or something. He is always lecturing me and judging my friends. Basically he doesn't want me to have any friends..
I just don't know what to do. We separated seven years ago for about 3 months and when I came back, I gained a lot of weight and was very depressed. I got that under control in the last few years and feel more confident now. I think that bothers him too.
The horrible thing is that now I am involved in an A with another MM. I know it isn't anything serious because he'll never leave his W and if he did I don't think I could handle getting into another marriage.
All the other postings seem to come from the people who have been cheated on, not the ones doing the cheating. I just thought I needed to show the other side of things.
Does anyone out there understand? Anyone have any suggestions for me? I really want to be happy and have fun again. Life is just so much work when you're walking on egg shells all the time and can never please your H.
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lar,
I understand. I, too, am the WS in my marriage. There are plenty of us cheaters on these boards. Just stick around, they'll show themselves. And I also had no interest in leaving my husband ever. But you must end the A now...it's wrong and it certainly can't be helping the situation. And if you know there is no future with the OM, why risk your marriage and family? Could you bear the hurt your husband would feel if he found out?<p>It sounds like you might be clinically depressed to a mild degree--have you talked to your doctor about the irritation (a symptom), weight gain (another symptom) and general feeling of unhappiness? That is where I would start. After any medication kicked in, then I might begin individual counseling. <p>Also, might read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. It's a good down to earth book with sensible advice.
franklymydear59@yahoo.com

I'd also read SAA (Surviving an Affair). You may see your situation in the book and it can help you understand why you feel the way you do.<p>Remember though that just because you don't feel "in love" right now with your husband, it doesn't mean that you never will or never can.<p>When you are in an affair, nothing seems right with the marriage and everything seems right with the affair. But unfortunately the affairs are usually based on lies and deceit and can never fulfill ALL of your needs like the marriage can. However, while in an affair that fact is almost always impossible to see. <p>Please read the info. on this site about affairs and marriages so that you can really know what you want to do. Also remember, that you will go through withdrawal when you stop the affair. And withdrawal hurts! It's not fun and it makes you think that the affair is a good thing, but remember just like someone one drugs or alcohol - the withdrawal lasts only a short time - usually about 3 weeks for the hardest part, and then you have a clearer mind and can focus on what is really going on with your marriage.<p>If you read the recovery boards and talk to a MB counselor - you'll see that if both spouses work, the marriage can be even better after the affair than before - and they have data to back it up. However, you both have to make the choice, and it starts with ending the affair, which is the hardest part to do.<p>Keep posting to help you figure things out. It's not easy but the rewards for doing the right thing are endless. K

"you'll see that if both spouses work, the marriage can be even better after the affair than before - and they have data to back it up. However, you both have to make the choice, and it starts with ending the affair, which is the hardest part to do"<p> Ok, affair aside, what if 1 spouse if happy as a lark, because they are demanding, and overbearing. The other is miserable, because their either live with it, or constantly have to fight for everything they want in life. Only 1 is going to be willing to work on it. I see stuff on this site about the demanding husband, I see absolutely nothing about the demanding controlling wife. What about the wife that uses sex as a control item. That means your sex life is in someone else's hands, and that I bet is why a lot of guys cheat. I know of several that have for that very reason, and suspect some women as well.

Lartele,<p>We WS are definitely out here. My A of 8 months with someone who, in hindsight, clearly did not care much about me ended about 1 month ago. What did it cost me? My M, my self-respect...my H told OM wife, OM got thrown out of the house although I have no idea if that's still the case, OM will not speak to me. I have been doing IC to try to figure out why I did this. If I could turn the clock back I would, because none of it was worth it. I was very selfish and totally in the "fog" Even if you are not sure about your M don't continue this. As someone on this board once said "close one account before you open another.<p>My selfishness has left hearts (including my own)lying strewn everywhere.