MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR APPROX 6 MONTHS MAYBE 8 ? I CONFRONTED HIM 1-28-02 TOLD HIM I STILL LOVED HIM I WANTED OUR MARRIAGE TO WORK AND THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT SO , HE SAID THAT HE STILL LOVED ME BUT HE WASNT SURE IF IT WAS WHAT IT SHOULD BE TO BE MARRIED TO SOME ONE WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 2 YEARS BUT TOGETHER 9. HE SAID HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH THE OW AND THAT SHE MIGHT BE WHAT HE WANTED. HE ASKED FOR TIME TO SORT OUT HIS FEELINGS, I ASKED HOW MUCH HE SAID HE WASNT SURE, HE WORKS OUT OF TOWN HE TOLD ME TO GO HOME AND HE WOULD BE HOME THE NEXT DAY AND WE WOULD TALK ABOUT THINGS. HE PROMISED THAT HE WOULD NOT SEE THE OW TILL HE MADE A DECISION . HE CAME HOME, WE TALKED HE SAID HE STILL WASNT SURE HE NEEDED MORE TIME MADE LOVE TO ME 2-01-02 PRIOR TO GOING BACK OUT OF TOWN. CALLED EVERY NIGHT WE TALKED FOR HOURS AND HOURS
WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR HIM TO COME HOME THE NEXT TUE. HE DIDNT. STATED HE NEEDED TO THINK, THEN ADMITED ON THURS NIGHT THAT HE WENT TO OW HOUSE BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK!!!!! AND STAYED THE NIGHT BUT NOTHING HAPPENDED BETWEEN THEM !!!!!TALKED AGAIN FOR HOURS HE SAID HE WOULD BE HOME THAT FRI MORNING TO TALK AND TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL (PREVIOUS MARRIAGE HE'S BEEN HER DAD THE WHOLE TIME EVEN THOUGH SHE SEES HER REAL DAD 1 TIME A MONTH SINCE THE D..) HE CAME HOME TOOK HER TOLD HER WE WHERE GOING TO WORK THINGS OUT AND TALK AND THAT IT WOULD BE OKAY AND THAT HE LOVED HER AND WOULD SEE HER THE NEXT TUE. WHEN HE CAME BACK FROM WORK. HE CAME HOME WE HAD A GOOD DAY HE WENT TO WORK PRIOR TO LEAVING HE TOLD ME THAT THE DAY HAD BEEN A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. HE CALLED THAT NIGHT AND THE NEXT DAY WE TALKED FOR HOURS I WENT AND STAYED WITH HIM AT WORK THAT SAT NIGHT AND INTO SUN EVENING THEN CAME HOME HE CAME INTO TOWN THAT MON AM (EARLY 4AM OR SO) STOPPED AND SAW ME AT WORK SAID HE WOULD CALL ME LATER THAT DAY HE HAD TO STAY WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER AND TAKE HER FOR TEST. THEN RETURN TO WORK . <p> AFTER THE CONFRONTATION HE WAS TOLD BY HIS SUPERVISOR THAT HE HAD 2 CHOICES STAY WHERE HE WAS STATIONED AND SEE HOW THINGS HAPPENED OR TAKE A TRANSFER AND WORK THINGS OUT WITH ME AND HAVE A NEW START HE WROTE OUT FOR THE TRANSFER,BUT THE OW AND HER MOTHER STRATED A PETITION TO KEEP HIM WHERE HE WAS AND "SOMEONE" CALLED A LEGISLATIVE PERSON TO CONTACT HIS CAPTAIN TO ALLOW HIM TO STAY WHERE HE WAS STATIONED. HE IS A STATE TROOPER.
THIS GETS LONG AND HARD TO FOLLOW SORRY.......
HE TOLD ME THAT LAST FRI HE WAS HOME THAT HE HAD TO TAKE THE TRANSFER BUT DID NOT WANT TO GO WHERE THEY WANTED TO SEND HIM , HE WANTED TO STAY AT PRESENT POST. I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DID OUR MARRIAGE WAS OVER THAT I COULDNT TAKE HIM BE AROUND HER SHE WORKS IN THE COURT SYSTEM.
ANY WAY ON HIS WAY BACK TO WORK ON MON. AFTER GRANDMA HE GOT A CALL TELLING HIM IF HE WANTED TO STAY GET A LETTER IN TO PULL THE TRANSFER, HE WAS TOLD ABOUT THE LEGSLATIVE GUY CALLING THE CAPTAIN AND THAT MAYBE IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. HE TOLD ME THIS ON MONDAY NIGHT. THAT NIGHT I ASKED IF HE WAS COMING HOME ON TUE. HE SAID I'LL LET YOU KNOW TOMMROW. I DID A DUMB THING I PUSHED FOR A DECSION HE SAID HE WASNT READY I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO OR I WOULD MAKE ONE. HE AGAIN SAID HE WOULD CALL THE NEXT DAY AND LET ME KNOW I SAID NO THEN WE ARE DONE HE AGAIN SAID HE WOULD CALL THE NEXT DAY .
THE NEXT DAY CAME NO CALL EARLY ON I THEN CALLED THE OW MOMS HOME THERE WAS NO ANSWER. SHORTLY AFTER HE CALLED ME AND SAID HE PUT IN A LETTER TO STAY WHERE HE WAS. ASKED WHAT THAT MEANT FOR US HE SIAD I TALKED TO A LAWYER TODAY AND I'AM FILING FOR DIVORCE. EVEN THOUGH THE LAWYER SAID SHE COULD TELL HE WAS STRUGGLING WITH THIS. THE OW SISTER IN LAW WORKS FOR THE LAWYER AND THE OW MOM CLEANS FOR HER. NICE!!!!<p> I BEGGED HIM TO GIVE US ONE MONTH WITHOUT THE OW SO WE COULD SEE WHAT WE HAVE, HE SAID HE JUST COULDNT FIND IT FOR ME ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH HE HAD PRAYED TO GOD TO WAKE UP AND IT STILL BE THERE. I TOLD HIM YOU CANT FIND IT WITH ANOTHER PERSON THERE. HE CONT. TO SAY HE STILL LOVES ME, AND SAID HE TOLD HER HE STILL LOVED ME JUST ? HOW MUCH. ANYWAY I ASKED AGIAN FOR A CHANCE HE SAID HE WOULD THINK ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM IF THE OW REALLY LOVED HIM SHE WOULD BE THERE IN A MONTH AND THAT WE WOULD KNOW FOR SURE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING LEFT FOR US. I'VE TRIED TO BE SUPPORTIVE AND STAND BY HIM AND TOLD HIM THIS AND THAT I WOULD GO TO HELL AND BACK FOR HIM. HE KNOWS THAT I LOVE HIM DEARLY HE KEEPS ASKING WHY ALL OF THIS NOW? I TOLD HIM I DIDNT REALIZE THAT HE DIDNT KNOW HOW MUCH I CARED AND LOVED HIM..... I'VE TRIED TO SHOW HIM. HE TOLD ME HE WOULD THINK THINGS OVER AND CALL THE NEXT AM. I ASK THAT HE DO IT BEFORE THE PAPERS WHERE TO BE FILED HE SAID HE WOULD. I CALLED EARLY THAT AM HE WASNT AT WORK, MY DAUGHTER WAS MISSING HIM AND WANTED TO TALK WITH HIM. I KNEW HE WAS WITH OW... I CALLED HER MOM'S HOME THINKING IT WAS HERS, THE MOTHER TOLD ME THAT HE FILED FOR THE D.. AND THAT I NEEDED TO GET OVER IT THAT HE WAS AT HER HOUSE WHEN I CALLED THE NIGHT BEFORE AND THEY LET THE PHONE RING WHILE HE FILLED OUT HIS PAPERS AND THAT THE OW HAD BEEN WITH HIM AT WORK THAT FRI, SAT AND SUN NIGHT BEFORE I GOT THERE ON SAT. NEEDLESS TO STAY I WAS CRUSHED HE NEVER STOPPED SEEING HER... HE CALLED SHORTLY AFTER THAT I TOLD HIM TO COME AND GET HIS STUFF OUT OF OUR HOME THAT DAY. HE DID, LEFT TELLING ME HE STILLED LOVED ME AND THAT HE PROBALLY NEVER WOULD FEEL THE WAY ABOUT ANYONE THAT HE FELT ABOUT ME AND THAT HE LOVED MY DAUGHTER MORE THAN ANYTHING, ASKED IF HE WAS READY TO LOOSE HIS JOB OVER THIS OW HE STATED NO!!! I ASKED HIM THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. HE COULDNT ANSWER. THAT WAS ON FEB 13,02
IT HAS BEEN 5 WEEKS HE HAS HAD NO CONTACT WITH US AT ALL NOT EVEN A PHONE CALL , HE SAID HE WOULD CALL BUT NEVER HAS. MY DAUGHTER IS HEART BROKEN AND SO AM I. HE IS UNDER INVESTIGATION WITH HIS JOB OVER THIS WHOLE MESS AND GOT A 30 DAY STAY AT CURRENT POST BUT IM TOLD HE HAS TO REPORT TO THE OTHER POST ON 4-01-02. THE OW IN THE PAST SAID SHE WOULD NOT GO WITH HIM AND THEY WHERE FINISHED IF HE GOES. I DONT KNOW IF THAT IS THE SAME FEELING NOW OR NOT. I WOULD GO IN A MINUTE JUST TO BE WITH HIM.
OUR 1ST HEARING IS 4-16-02 AND MAY BE OUR FINAL HEARING I HATE THIS. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT CANT EVEN TELL HIM OR SHOW HIM. THE OTHER ISSUE IS I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT SHORTLY AFTER HE LEFT. I CALLED AND LEFT MESSAGES A FEW TIMES HE NEVER CALLED BACK , TALKED WITH HIS MOM WHO SAID THAT WE COULD NEVER MAKE IT WORK AND THAT I WOULD NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN AND THAT HE NEED TO MOVE ON BECAUSE OF THIS. A SENT HIM THE TEST IN THE MAIL TOLD HIM THAT WAS NOT HOW I WANTED TO TELL HIM, HE THINKS I AM DESPERATE AND LYING ABOUT THE PREG. MY DR AND LAWYER HAS SENT HIM A LETTER TO CONFIRM THE PREG. HE STILL SAYS THAT ITS NOT POSSIBLE AND THAT IT JUST CANT BE. EVEN THOUGH IT HAPPENDED ON A NIGHT HE KNOWS THAT I STAYED WITH HIM AT WORK AND THAT WE MADE LOVE. <p> I'AM SO LOST WITHOUT HIM. HE IS MY SOULMATE, DO YOU THINK THERE IS A TWINKLE OF A CHANCE THAT THINGS MAY CHANGE BEFORE THE D.. HEARING. I JUST HURT SO MUCH THAT HE HAS CUT US OUT OF HIS LIFE COMPLET. HOW DO YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE YOU SAY YOU STILL LOVE. IS HE IN LOVE WITH THIS OW????
I WILL SEE HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME ON 4-05-02 FOR A SETTLEMENT TALK WITH THE LAWYERS. THAT WILL HURT SO MUCH. I KNOW NOW THAT I MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES, I WISH I HAD FOUND PLAN A AND B BEFORE THIS WHOLE MESS. IS THERE ANY WAY TO TURN BACK NOW???????? SO LOST
SORRY THIS IS SO LONGBUT THESE POST HAVE HELPED ME HEAL I LITTLE AND I JUST WANT SOME GOOD ADVICE <p>
W 31
H 29
OW 26
D DAY 1-28-02
LEFT 2-13-02
NO CONTACT 5 WEEKS
HEARING ON 4-16-02
I SO DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM, HE HAS MY HEART!!!!!<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: lostsoul ]</p>

lostnikki -<p>I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I know the pain that you are experiencing as well as the sadness. Remember though, that God is with you and will always be with you, carrying you, as you go through this valley in your life.<p>First, make sure that you have a good support group - friends, family, counselors, priest/minister/church group, and most importantly God.<p>I was pregnant when I found about my H's affair(A), so I kow how tough it is.<p>Right now everything is happening so fast for your husband. Often when a spouse is in the middle of an affair - they don't want to give it up because the feelings seems so good and so real. You need to read SAA(Surviving an Affair) to truly understand the dynamics of their relationship. It's likened to an addiction - and you know that if someone is addicted to something, they can give up their job, family - everything for the addiction. Also, your H foudn out about the pregnancy, which he wasn't planning on, as mine wasn't, so it adds a whole new dynamic into the picture that he wasn't prepared to deal with.<p>I know that you don't think that you can Plan A or B, but right now I'd try to Plan A. I know you're tremendously hurt, but try to make the marriage a safe place to return to. Your H may decide to return because of the baby if he knows he is welcome and you are treating him well. <p>Now that doesn't mean give into everything in the divorce proceeding - you need to protect yourself, especially if he is going through with it. But when you see him, you may want to ask him if he could postpone the hearing until you both can think about what is happening right now. Your h probably hasn't had time to process everything, and he may need an excuse to buy him some extra time to think about things.<p>If you make him feel bad for leaving when you see him, he may run the other way. You may want to get some short friendly messages through his mom saying that his daughter misses him and how would he like to arrange a visit. You can get him reconnected slowly with the family through her and she needs to see her dad. Maybe the mom can bring her to see him. Don't push, but let him see that you are handling things well(even if you're not) and that you are still trying to meet his needs.<p>If you need a counselor during this time - get one. They're great, especially with all the hormones swirling around. It's hard enough to deal with this not pregnant.<p>Make sure that durign this time that you are taking care of you! Take your vitamins, get lots of sleep. I know it's hard, but try and put one of your support group in charge of reminding you to take care of yourself. It's important for the baby and for your daughter too.<p>There are no easy answers, but reading SAA may help you understand what is happening so that you can make some good decisions.<p>Try to stay strong. It gets better with time, so just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to, and you will get through this. K

K- thank you for the advice and encouragement!!!

I THINK MY H MADE SOME VERY RASH DECISIONS MAYBE WITHOUT THINKING THEM THROUGH AND THEN AGAIN MAYBE NOT. MAY BE HE NEW HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE ALL ALONG AND JUST COULDNT TELL ME ????
HIS MOM AND I DONT HAVE THE BEST RELATIONSHIP AND IT WOULD BE VERY HARD TO GET HER TO HELP ME WHEN IT COMES TO MY D SEEING MY H. I WISH IT WAS DIFFERENT.
IM NOT SURE HOW I CAN DO PLAN A WHEN HE WONT TALK OR EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME. ITS BEEN 5 WEEKS !!!!
IM AFRAID TO DO ANYTHING AT THIS PIONT IN TIME
WHEN I HAVE TALKED TO OTHERS WHO MAYBE WOULD TALK TO HIM IN THE PAST IT SEEMS TO ONLY MAKE HIM MAD.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO TALK AGAIN??????????????\
HE IS 2 HOURS AWAY AND SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING HIS NEW LIFE AND THE OW. THAT HURTS DEEPLY!!!!<p> I HAVE FOUND OUT RECENTLY THAT HE HAS TOLD A FEW THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE A DAD!! THEY ASK WHICH ONE THE OW OR W.. HE SAID MY W. I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD FIND ANY HOPE IN THAT OR NOT SINCE HE CANT SEEM TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THE BABY. <p> I CO-WORKER OF HIS ALSO STATED THAT HI DIDNT THE H WOULD EVER COME BACK BECAUSE HE WOULD BE TO ASHAMED HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT. ANY IDEALS???? <p>I WOULD LOVE TO LET HIM SEE HOW MUCH I CARE,LOVE AND WANT THIS MARRIAGE BUT I'AM AT A DISTANCE AND I CANT HELP BUT THINK THE LONGER HE IS AWAY FROM ME AND TOTALLY WITH THE OW THE EASIER IT WILL BE TO LET GO OF US. HE SEEMS TO HAVE ALREADY BEEN ABLE TO JUST SHUT US OUT OF HIS LIFE . FOR HIM WE DONT EXIST.<p> I THINK THE HARSH REALITY IS HE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE AND THAT HE HAS FOUND SOMETHING WITH THE OW AAND WILL NEVER RETURN TO THE MARRIAGE. I THINK HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER!!!!! HE HAS NEVER SHUT ME OUT FOR 5 WEEKS BEFORE HES NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT IN THE PAST. IT SEEMS SO EASY THIS TIME. <p> I HAVE ALOT OF SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY AND A FEW FRIENDS THEY TRY TO HELP BUT I JUST CANT SEEM TO LET GO. I MISS HIS FACE, STRENGTH,TOUCH AND LOVE
I TOOK IT FOR GRANTED FAR TO MUCH AND I DONT THINK I CAN EVER FIX THAT FOR HIM .
<p> I'M HOPELESS AND LOST, HE USED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!!! THANKS FOR THE ONLY REPLY I GOT
LOSTsoul<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: lostsoul ]</p>

I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. The most important thing for you to do is to take care of YOU! This is so hard....I understand...I am in the middle of a divorce that I don't want. I still wonder if he will change his mind. I still think he loves me. He would never admit it though. But, I have been trying to work on myself....not blaming myself...keeping busy...involve myself with my kids and I even went back to school! I am 42 years old...this was very difficult for me! I was petrified! But I am doing ok....I have an A average!!! <p>Try to take care of yourself. Sorry...I don't have much advice.
MAX

max thank you for the reply
its great that you have an a average!!!!
<p>it is so very hard when you dont want the divorce you wonder why cant they see how much love you have for them?? <p>i guess in my situation what can be said. im trying to take care of my self it seems as though all i want to do is sleep and think about h.
i miss him badly. i just hope he will come back i think he still loves me also but cant see it at this time. and then again maybe he doesnt there i go again with doubt as to what he has. <p> i keep forgetting that apperently he has been abducted by aliens and that until the ship crashes i cant really know what to think. <p> keep yor head up as they say and i hope that your husband will come back im trying to keep the faith in god and remember to believe and it will be.
lostsoul
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: lostsoul ]</p>