Our divorce was final 2 months ago. I left for an affair a year ago. The affair is over, I'm staying with my ex and the kids... I want to try again, how do I start to regain what I lost?

Gayles,
All i can offer is this bump. Someone with
more experience will come along and give you some
good advice, as they tend to do around here, so
keep reading the site and checking your thread.
You might start reading up on plan a.<p>
Rus

Gayles,<p>Not sure you can regain what you lost. But, you might be able to rebuild something here. Have done any reading on this site?? I would strongly recommend that you do so. I would also recommend reading two books by Harley His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.<p>If you want to rebuild to my mind the first thing you need to understand is: What happened to your marriage? Why the affair? And what you see in your ex, that you didn't see last year, the year before, etc.<p>I would suspect your ex is going to need for you to figure yourself out and then explain yourself before any real rebuilding can occur.<p>Just of information sake Are you male/female? How long was the affair? What was the state of the marriage? What is your ex's attitude? How are the kids handling this??<p>The more information you can provide the better the answers you will receive from the people posting here.<p>So do some reading, some thinking, post and ask questions.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks for the start. I just kinda blundered into the site and hadn't done more than skimmed through the Basics. Now I have some reading to do this evening.<p>For the record I am female. The affair was about two years total. The marriage was extremely separate, his friends, my friends, we both worked a lot and we have five children. We have been together about 12 years. I am currently out of work and he kind of "saved" me by giving me a place to live away from the abusive affair. (His suggestion, not mine) I have been here two weeks and have been taking care of the kids and the house etc... trying to figure out what it is I want and need. He has expressed feelings of friendship and there has been some intimacy, but he has thus far refused to consider "getting back together".<p>Now, I'm going to sit and work through the readings and see where I go from here!

Gayles,<p>I would guess that he would be very skittish about getting back into a relationship with you, given that the divorce is only 2 months old and you left him for OM.<p>However, I do think if you read the two books I mentioned it may open your eyes to what happened, why it happened and how to build a better marriage. You will find within those two books plans for how to rebuild a relationship. It may also help you see things clearer and make a better decision for your part.<p>Neither of these books are hard to read, and can be read in just a few days. I am pretty sure you will find them eye opening.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

I am not an expert, But I think counseling for yourself first, learning to be honest with yourself and then talking about what happened with the ex, I know in time you can rebuild trust and a friendship and who knows maybe your relationship, it is a long hard road but if you are honest and committed I think you can do it.