If you've read my other posts, I am planning to leave my husband May 1st and file for divorce. Since I've been more emotionally distant, he's really been persuing me....altho he can't seem to understand what i really need.<p>Today he called and announced he's decided what to get me for my birthday....... the indoor pool I've wanted for 2 years!!! He wants the company to come over next week to measure it out, etc. and get it built...... <p>By the time I file, he could have everything purchased and the builders going...he's very impulsive that way. But how do I tell him NO, when we've been discussing it for 2 years. I know he is just trying to hang onto me, but a pool does not equal a sexless, unaffectionate marriage!<p>Sometimes I really think I should just stay and have an affair......it would be so much easier. I'd get the pool, stay home all day, and have sex too...(Please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me, I don't mean it).

I would tell him to put off the pool plans for a while...not sure you want it anymore. And you know that staying is really not an option.<p>I hate it that after we quit trying, they get the hint that something might maybe be wrong.

If you are sure this is what you want (to leave, and I agree given your story) then do not let him put in the pool. Is a waste of marital resorces, and he will use it as a weapon against you. It is interesting how people can sense things even with no actual evcidence. You are right he is pursueing you, in his typical manipulative way, trying to get you "oweing" him. Abusive people are often very perceptive, and you are no longer playing the game, he knows something is going on, it is just a matter of time before he accuses you of an affair. After he tries the nice approach (buy you off with stuff he wants himself anyways) and that fails, he will get ugly in the blink of an eye, and use the anger tool. You can't win anna. Even if you go along with pool to avoid conflict (the whys) he will then accuse you of leading him on, and wasting money, and being a deceptive wife later, the conflict is going to come, he is not going to let you go peaceably (abusers never do, and sometimes they hurt you, or in extreme cases kill you). <p>I know you are aware of the dangers, and are trying to have plans. It might be helpful if you have your leaveing plan more fluid, so you can leave on a momements notice, he is definitely focusing on you. As for the pool, maybe you could say you don't feel like you are ready to commit to that much money right now, and need a few weeks to think about it, kind of a neutral stance. Be very careful anna, if he gets the slightest notion you are planning on leaveing all hell will break loose, be aware he may tap your phone, nose around for stuff, etc. don't leave anything around that hints at your plans, he knows something is happening. But I think you should be firm, a little less accomodating, that will hopefully throw him off stride, and confuse him enough for the next few weeks to roll by, if you are too pliant that will just make him angrier, and feel foolish when you disappear from one day to the next. It is a narrow path to walk, only you really know what is going on, just be very careful, and err on the side of caution.

Don't make the mistake I made. I couldn't figure out what she wanted and she left. I still would do anything to understand and get her back.<p>Read Relationship Rescue and save your marriage.

Well, I just discovered a paper with an estimate for materials on the coffee table.....so I guess he's really getting gung ho about this pool thing. I'm still hoping to get him to listen to me...last week he wanted to buy me a new van (I have a 2001), last month it was a new house. Honestly! But he just won't listen to what I really want......all his life he has used money to buy relationships. Help! I just don't think he's ever going to get it.

Annavon, would you consider going to a councelor with your husband. Theere may be some reason as to you husbands emotional state of mind. Possibly, a social anxiety disorder. This ruined my marriage and now I am divorced. If there is a problem find it and work to correct it, I believe yuo will be much happier later in life if the both of you caovercome it.<p>From your post it appears to me that your man loves you and shows it through doing rather then saying or showing. Just a thought, God bless1

Impulsive, is he?<p>How did you dissuade him from the new van? New house?<p>It would be nice if you could talk him into putting some nice chunks of what's left of that inheritance into untouchable accounts for each of the kids for college, etc. That I think is what I would negotiate in the favor of at this time.<p>Then their educations are taken care of, whatever happens with finances when $#!+ hits the fan.