After a few difficult months, I made the decision to leave temporarily. When I told him yesterday that I was leaving, he said he "kinda" figured it was coming and took it very well. I told him I hoped it would be temporary until we could work things out, that it might work better if we had some separate space.
Background: married for 8 years, i'm 28, he's 40. First marriage for both. Lately having difficulties communicating and just getting along. Started counseling two months ago, two individual sessions for me, one joint session with him.
For those of you who have gone through separations, my questions: how do you deal/cope with the drastic change? I found it strange last night to even watch television by myself. DOES it become easier to find out what you want by yourself, or do the difficulties of the changed situation interfere?
Any support would be helpful at this point.

I've taken the time to read books, go to support group, listen to Harley tapes and do what I need to. I'm thrilled to be separated, out from under his control. The next steps will be difficult, especially with my young D's, but you needed to move out for a reason. What was it?

Don't separate
More issues arise because you will learn to lean on someone else and as you are both in sensitive places will "think" the other might be dating or get jealous easier putting MORE styree on your relationship.
Work it out in the house, sleep in different rooms.
Learn to fall inlove again, do a getaway
just the two of you remind each other constantly that you love or fell inlove because of whatever qualities made you feel good in the first place.<p>Good Luck

Too late not to separate, all my stuff's already out and I leased the place for at least a month.
Reasons: I have come to realize that I'm not the same person I was when I met him 11 years ago (at the age of 17). I've changed and grown, and continue to change and grow - he seems extremely content for things to remain the same. I'm now in graduate school, working full time, and joined two women's organizations to become more involved in the community (the only way I've found you can get female friends if you don't have kids).
I have NO interest in dating other people during this time apart, and I don't think he does either. I am hoping that this time will help me to see what I really want out of my life, and also to hopefully help him see how much I mean to him.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by KYCAR:
<strong>For those of you who have gone through separations, my questions: how do you deal/cope with the drastic change? I found it strange last night to even watch television by myself. DOES it become easier to find out what you want by yourself, or do the difficulties of the changed situation interfere?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I believe that separation can be used as an aid to finding out what you want and need, but it does not make it happen automatically. You have to be proactive about it. I suggest that you try to find a copy of Lee Raffel's book Should I Stay or Go: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage.<p>For the record, I believe that separation almost saved my marriage.

Good points on both ends. <p>Sometimes it's better to stay, sometimes to go. The deciding factor would be the situation for me. <p>If the situation is a growing and changing situation I'd say forget the month's rent, chalk it up to experience and go home. There can be more work done on the marriage when you are actively in the marriage.<p>In my situation I had physical abuse, and that endangered the children. That is a no brainer.<p>Can you try and get a little more intensive counseling? Maybe once a week by yourselves, and once together?<p>Read around here, there are an awful lot of things to learn.<p>Elizabeth

Now that you're separated, strive towards reconcilation as quickly as possible. The longer you're apart the harder it will be to rebuild. Find a local church that has a marriage restoration program. Encourage husband to attend. If he won't, you go anyway. If you BOTH want to work this out, you can. You're both intelligent people who just got on a wrong path. Strive to put the spark back into your relationship -- weekly date nights, cards, love notes. It might be awkward at first, but do it anyway. If you want to stay married -- fight for your marriage. Marriage isn't about finding the right person, it's about BEING the right person. God bless you both.

I heard a woman (therapist/seminar speaker) married for 45 yrs tell that every 10 years they re-evaluated their marriage and changed what wasn't working and set new rules and dreams. So, yes, at 17 you were different than now, and yet your marriage should be growing too. The two of you vowed to grow together. IF that isn't happening, then you both need to stick with the counseling and find out how you can each blossom individually and simultaneously as a couple. <p>It is a good sign that he is willing to counsel! If my H (a Controller/abuser) had a soft heart like your H, I'd be ecstatic!! I think you should go back home. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also, it sounds like you have no Biblical grounds for separation or divorce. Therefore, such action will not bring blessing to you or the marriage when it isn't done in Biblical principle.
Remember marriage isn't just a business or legal contract...it is a covenant designed by God and He is part of it with you both. Draw close to HIM (who is LOVE) and let that deep spirituality revitalize your lives and relationship, giving it new shared purpose and goals.<p>Beware of the feminist groups that pretend to offer you personal fulfillment while stealing you away from the most blessed covenant of your life.
The truth is, you can find yourself AND grow in the marriage--both, you just need the right tools and support.Get some great Christian counseling together! And when your marriage is strong, maybe the two of you can join as one working toward a noble cause! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]