This is my first time post on this forum, so I'd like to start off by thanking anyone who takes the time to read and reply.<P>My basic situation is this: After than 2 years of living together (I know, I know), my husband I got married. I left for another man 2 days before out second anniversary. We attempted reconcilliation after 8 months. Unfortunately, we were un-informed and un-skilled and committed most, if not all, of the love busters. Most importantly, I was not completely honest upon my return. Additionally, neither of us knew how to meet each other's emotional needs. I left again after 3 months. Now, a year and 9 months after leaving that second time, my husband and has contacted me and told me he still loves me. This is the second time he has told me this over the past year. At the time of this posting, we are both involved with and living with other people. Ok...so that's the basic set up. The conflict arises out of my emotions. I have been experiencing difficulty in my current relationship for some time, and together we decided to go to counseling. Through counseling, I began reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and was stunned at how many things my husband I simply did not know. I quickly became convinced that the relationship we had probably would've weathered the storms better had we been more informed. At any rate, there I was, thinking and reflecting more and more on my relationship with my husband than with my current partner, when out of the blue, he contacted me with the proclamation of love stated above. Since then, I have found myself in a quandry. I cannot stop thinking about him and what 'could have been.' Obviously, the person I am involved with now can sense my withdrawal, and yet I don't know if I am simply in the middle of convincing myself that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence; or if giving my marriage another shot, with the skills I've learned from this site and Dr. Harley's book, is a possiblility. I am truly torn between not wanting to hurt the man I am involved with and wanting very much to explore what may have the ability to be a healthy relationship with my husband. As a side note...to complicate matters, the man I am with now brings with him many of the other issues discussed at the Marriage Builders site, including the fact that we met via the internet, he is a recovering drug addict, and there are sexual addiction issues as well. All of this adds up to much stress (obviously). ACK!!!! Any advice would be appreciated. Am I going off the deep end here? Or is the loving relationship my husband offered finally sinking through to my thick skull, now that I know how to make the best of it?

Go for it! Statistics show that many people who leave their spouse for another relationship end up back with their spouse. And, if both really make an effort, the renewed marriage can be much, much stronger and the partners more in-love than before.<BR>Good luck!<BR>Kathi

NorseElf,<P>I think I understand this correctly: You are still married. Then I would say, that giving your marriage another shot is the preferred direction to go. It sounds as if your current relationship is not a good one. <P>One thing you need to get an understanding of is why you left your H in the first place/ second place. It is not just about needs you know. That is a major thing but something else must have been going on. You two will need to clear many of these issues up and also meet each others needs.<P>Finally, to quote someone who posted recently here. You should remember this: The grass is always greener where you water it. I suspect that this really applies in your case.<P>Go for it.<P>God Bless<P>JL

Wow...thanks for a quick reply...I'd suppose the gods work in mysterious ways! I don't however, suppose I made it clear how I feel about my current partner in my first post. I do believe he has a considerable balance in my love bank. However, with both financial and sexual issues preying hard upon the relationship, many many withdrawals have been made lately. Further, he has struggled to stay sober (from drugs)to be with me, and I have told him over and over that I am not leaving. We have struggled with jealousy issues, internet infidelity (his), and the afore-mentioned financial issues. But through it all, we have continued to try to communicate and get through the problems. Now I am at a loss. I do not want to tell him that I am considering reconcilliation w/ my husband. Further, I don't even KNOW for sure if that's really what my husband wants (he is living with his girlfriend also,in another city). Obviously, major life changes are at stake here. I suppose at this point my partner and my husband have about equal account balances in my love bank, and my husband's recent attention raised his, while my partner's is steadily decreasing because of the problems we've encountered. My family continually points out that they feel he is using me (financially) and that he is not ready to support me in a relationship (because of his addictive behavior), but I keep going back. The highs are incredibly high and the lows are incredibly low. My current partner and I don't seem to be able to find a happy medium...but am I fooling myself into thinking I can achieve that w/ my husband?

NorseElf,<P>I guess since this is a marriage builders forum, I must ask the obvious question. If your current partner (CP) is the love of your life, why haven't your divorced your H? It seems to me that neither your CP nor you have made a real commitment to each other or you would not still be married. <P>Reading your post suggests that your religious beliefs and mine may be somewhat different, but the institution of marriage is pretty universal. It has meaning and depth.<P>NE, where does your moral compass point on this issue? You see, you will do neither man any good unless you get your own moral compass straightened out. You seem very ambigious on the commitment aspect of a relationship. You are committed to CP but you are married to another man.<P>Which commitment carries more weight to you? It is very possible that neither man will be the right choice. You are having problems with CP and you had problems with H. You have run from both it would seem. <P>Now you are looking for a safe landing place, but you and only you can make a landing place safe if you are willing to commit to working on your relations. I would recommend the H, personally, and if that does not work, then divorce him and get yourself straightened out.<P>NorseElf, I am not trying to be mean or harsh but you cannot have it both ways or even either way. Your future may lie elsewhere, but you need to sort this out.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P>Thank you...and you're not being mean or harsh, you are looking at the situation from an objective point of view...something I am finding it very hard to do. I appreciate that. <P>You are right, the CP and I had a serious talk last night, regarding why we are staying in a relationship with such highs and lows and what our level of commitment really is. To his credit, he wants to continue with counseling and made the effort to actually pick up my copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and read a few chapters. But I realize he must do this because he wants to, not because 'I'm making him.' Further, we examined the possibility that we are staying in the relationship only because we said we would and are afraid to let each other down. This lead to a particularly enlightening moment for me, in which I realized that my constant statement of "I'm not leaving another relationship." means nothing, if that relationship is harmful to me. It does nothing but re-affirm my own issues of abondonment (from childhood) and feelings of not ever being good enough. If I stay in a relationship that I know is hurting me, I am in effect telling myself I deserve to be hurt! Wow...talk about the lights going on.<P>We also discussed Dr. Harley's concept of the love bank, and I was able to tell him that although he has a relatively high account balance with me, the withdrawals have far out-numbered the deposits lately, and that at this point even when he makes a deposit, the bank seems to be closed for renovations. <P>I suppose my next step is to contact my H and really talk to him about what he wants, as well. Does he want to try to reconcile? Leave his new life and try to make another start w/ me? Or was he just blowing off steam when he contacted me--going through tough things in his current relationship and missing 'the old days'? If that's the case, we obviously need to permanently break the marriage bond and move on w/ our lives. If, however, he wants to give it another shot, there will be many more concerns to address (such as: does one of us have to move? do we just try dating for a while again? do we move right back in together? are we healthy enough to try this right now, or do we want to have more counseling [individually and/or togther] to make this work? etc. etc.) Uuuggghhhh...scary...makes my head spin...however, we obviously have chosen to stay married through 2 years of separation for a reason...I suppose it's time we dealt with the issues. <P>That's about the whole kit and kaboodle. Sorry to be so windy, but just being able to get this stuff off my chest and see it helps me to process some of the emotions and try to get clear on what it is I really want. Thanks again, JL, and anyone else who reads and/or responds. <BR>

I don't know your age, but my response to your situation is coming from a woman in her 50's. My personal opinion is that right now you are very confused with life and dont know what it is you want and you are worried about a future with either man. I would suggest you live by yourself , get counseling and figure out what you truly want. I wouldn't worry about the current man slipping back into bad habits. He needs to keep his act cleaned up for himself, not just do it for you. If he wants to continue attending counseling together, that sounds okay for right now, but I think living apart would be a better choice under the present circumstances. I think it would help for you to meet with you husband and dicuss everything and the possibility of reconcillation. It wouldn't hurt him to read Dr Harley's book either, and get some counseling. You two have been apart for over a yr. so I'm sure there has been some changes in both of you that need to be examined. However, discovering what you really want in a relationship and making sure it is a healthy one is what is most important.

I have been watching th dialogue here and am finally ready to weigh in. I have to agree that, given that both relationships are tenuous, you should move out on your own and get yourself straightened out. <P>Until you realize and experience that you can make it on your own you will never be sure why you are seeking any kind of relationship with either of these or any other man. Once you are confident of your ability to go it alone you need to think long and hard about what you should do about your dangling marriage. I'm sure I'm old school here but you made a vow and if there is a glimmer of hope to revive your marriage I vote that you do that.

NorseElf,<P>Sounds like everyone agrees. Time alone would certainly help you sort out your priorities and what it is you want. You seemed to easily leave your marriage and that is a sure sign you have not committed. Yet you remain married. Sound confusing?<P>I agree with Mudder db713.<P>What do you think? <P>JL