I GOT THE MAIL AND USULLY NEVER LOOK AT IT.
BUT MY WIFE BEEN IN A STATE OF WAR FOR MONTHS NOW .I BEEN TRING TO GET OUR MARRIAGE BACK
FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS BUT MOSTLY FOR ME I DO LOVE HER VERY MUCH. SHE KNOWS THAT BUT SAYS I NEVER SHOW IT . GETTING BACK ON THE BILLS (HER PHONE BILL) SHE HAS BEEN CALLING A GUY FOR ABOUT A MONTH ALMOST EVERY DAY FOR ABOUT 4 MINUTES IN THE MORNING TO UP TO 75 MINUTES SOME DAYS .
WE WERE ON VACATION FOR A WEEK AND SHE CALLED FROM THERE. OUR MARRIAGE IS IN THE WORSE STATE IT HAS BEEN IN 12 YEARS SHE CANT EVEN HUG ME .
HAVE I LOST HER SHE SWORE TO ME SHE NEVER DID ANY THING WRONG IN THE SENSE THAT SHE HASENT CHEATED ON ME. DO I CALL THE GUY UP AND GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MINE EVEN THOUGH I DONT THINK HE BROKE OUR MARRIAGE BUT HE SURELY ISNT HELPING ME GET HER BACK , SHE SAID SHE IS DINE TALKING TO HIM BY THE WAY HE S MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS ,AT LEAST THATS HAT SHE TOLD ME . SHE DOESNT KNOW WHY SHE CALLS HIM
PLEASE SOME WHO CAN THINK STRAIGHTER THAN ME
GIVE ME SOME OPINIONS.
THANK YOU

Forget about calling the om, it won't do any good. It will justify to your w what she already thinks of you.<p>Read all the info you can here. You need to go into Plan A. <p>IF it is just an emotional affair so far, you probably stand a better chance of recovering your marriage.<p>Weekends are usually slow, so you may not get many replies till Mon.<p>Hang in!

she told me she never did any thing wrong. and that its over calling him.
she still doesnt think much of me and i can finallyu see her point i been such an [censored] to her
over the years . i told her im going to call for counsling monday for my self .
i think she will go with me .
even though that phone bill is always on my mind.
she is too.
thanks

If she is still calling OM then she can't possibly begin to look at you and her marriage in a different light. She has to let OM go from her mind before there will be room for you to work yourself back in.<p>If you know that you haven't been the husband you should be or she wants you to be, then take a long hard look at yourself. Ask yourself if you want to change. Do you want to be the person she wants you to be? If you work at making yourself the best person you can be, then she will notice it. You must put her needs first at this point which will at the same time make yourself a better person. Stop thinking of what you want and think about what she wants and why she wants things that way.<p>If you do this for a period of time and she still doesn't want to work on the marriage, then you need to re-evalutate your situation. But in that process you will be happier with yourself and who you've become. You'll also know that you did everything you could to build the marriage up. Then, if your marriage did end, you'll know that it's her loss and not yours.<p>Just my thoughts.

Agree with MT and RWD, whatever you do don't
call OM, he really has nothing to do with the situation. Calling him will only drive your W closer to him, you are just fueling the A.
Back off, work on yourself, try not to mention the OM.
Here are the rules that I am following that you may find helpful:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important,
realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a
while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words
you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute
negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

thanks for the support.
it helped a bit im not calling other guy or want to know anything about it she said its over talking to him, it as eating me up to much already.
anyways we went to counceling for first time ,well she wasnt there her body was but said nothing to make me believe she wants to work things out.
i will do my best to make it work becouse i love her more than ever now .
i dont know if i can break the wall she behind.

Don't try to break the wall, just give her the time and space to let her figure it out on her own and no matter what no LBs. It doesn't matter if she is speaking to OM or not, just don't LB.
Here is another perspective, it is good that she is speaking with the OM at this point in time. Why? The affair has to run it course and she has to figure this out on her own, contact with the OM, and not pressure from you, will help her come to a conclusion quicker. Continue with Plan A and no angry outburst, this will be the hardest thing you have ever done, it goes againist all of your instincts, but it can get results.<p>Dave

its easier said than done .
i did the mistake of checking her phone to see if she is calling. didnt find anything i didnt expect to becouse is she is she erasing the history. but it was killing me i had kept my cool for a few days . she s hurt too but hiding it better than i.
we had big urgument again. shes going to bed at 9.30 becouse she says shes tired but in reality she doesnt have to listen to me that way.
i told her in th morning i looked at her phone i havent lied to her in 12 years not about to start i do lover . i told her not to give up on a guy who thinks the world of her .
i will keep my space and give her time im going to tri very hard. she sais that she s old enpough to dowhat ever she wants and that im not her father i never ment to be her father.
could this guy she s talking be doing this to her
thank you

i dont know what plan a is and also what does Lb means

dude look in the mirror at yourself again and make the changes needed dont talk about it do it let her know whats up and start treating her as you would want to be treated and listen to her when she talks dont give advice just be there and really listen your close to losing her to an affair .. like closer than you think my friend dont blow it .. either treat her the right way or you will lose her. you can find out the hard way o ill tell you now dont get jeoulous. itll turn you into a raving lunatic