What do you think is more prevalent in divorce?
Do you think that most divorces occur because it is easier for one or the other partner to hold onto the pain/hurt/blaming and so take that route rather than reconcile? So it is "justified" in
the mind? ANSWER: Well for my ex this is what he did. Upon finding out about my affair he promptly got a lawyer and filed. He also picked up a girlfriend within days and felt justified for all of his actions regardless of how childish they were.<p>Or more so that the one partner just doesn't want to work on it at all and the other partner is forced to divorce so that they can have a better life? ANSWER- Had he not filed it doesn't mean that this second question would not have happened. I think I would have been the one to file eventually because I didn't want my marriage.

Thank you all for your answers.
Nduli2----I wasn't thinking of arranged marriages in Eastern Countries, actually.<p>Do you think women remarry more than men? I haven't the faintest idea. For me, I don't think I would do it again if this doesn't work out. H said he wasn't spending the rest of his life alone and so ow talked of M and maybe he would have went along. I don't know.<p>My sister is a widow (at 41 she became a widow) and doesn't think she will ever marry again either. Funny thing is, I think she was going to dump her wonderful H. She definitely used and abused him and now she has her little dogs. You'd think they are human. (Once when I was pregant and her daughter was 7---I saw her throw her dog down the basement steps.--so we'll see how long that lasts. she has also rewritten history...I don't understand her and no longer want to, just feel sort of sorry for her.) I think she has a screw loose.

A few years ago I took a graduate class on children in transition...it basically was about kids who had gone through a divorce, a parent's death, and blended families. According to the statistics at the time, most men remarry more than women. Women generally have the responsibility of the children...often men with children will remarry to ease the pressures of trying to raise kids alone. I'm not saying all men with kids marry again for that reason, but it is a factor. It is more common for younger women to marry older men who have kids. It is less common for an older woman with kids to marry a younger man with no children.
[

Thanks Happy Mac.
Those statistics make sense I guess.
I"m beginning to think getting married at all is too much work. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh well, I'm hanging in there anyway.<p>My H would remarry, but he can't be around for the kids anyway because of his job. So, it would still be like divorcing his kids too. Lately things haven't gone in that direction anyway, but they might if I don't get off this computer.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>End of thread. Thanks... to all...

HappyMac,
I'm reading a book now about second marriages and one of the cautions it gives is marrying to help you raise the kids, so that feeds into your statistics.<p>Also I am seeing a younger woman (6 yrs) and I have two kids. The younger woman w/o kids I dated didn't stay around too long.<p>Mikkey, I posted answers to your questions about me the other day. It looks like it is on page 2 now.

Mikkey - I am thinker (snl - paperwife). As you can see SNL is going in circles for 9 months. We had counseling with Steve Harley, separately. I was in Georgia with our oldest daughter at a horse show, and SNL was in Michigan with the rest of the family. SNL & Steve had about an hour of conversation. I talked after, and was stated quite a few comments by Steve of SNL & his conversation. He said SNL is still in a FOG, he went round and round, and has built this big wall for no one to get through with advice that sinks in. SNL feels that fitting will always be in a marriage. The marriage has a lot of ups and downs, that last quite a while and the 2 have to work on their problems. <p>Steve thrives to make his wife happy. He thrives to make his children happy. He thrives to have a good marriage. So does his wife. <p>Steve according to the counseling with SNL, said he is selfish, self-centered. He will get nowhere without seeing that this is destructive. How can you be caring and loving towards your spouse or anyone if all your life is centered around your selfishness, and self-centered attitude? He said SNL wanted to debate again, but Steve said no. This is not a debate and not a counseling session for divorce. SNL asked STeve to help with the separation we have asked to do. Steve told me in words that he was not going to help. SNL is basicallly asking for help in divorce. Steve told him he will not help, anyone towards divorce. And SNL actions, the way he has not cooperated with marriage builders, and the hanging up on Steve, not moving out of the house with Jennifer Harley telling him to move out in April, and basically asking the same old questions for nine months, SNL will never get it. He has braced himself against this wall, and will not allow anyone (even me thinker - which I love my WH, I want to help him, and I know we could have a loving marriage) to help tear the wall down. <p>SNL has made his comments to the kids about fitting, and this is not right. Our oldest doesn't approve of her fathers affair, she said he committed sin, and where is the christian value. What about vows, committment, till death do us part. This is so unreal that one can make a committment to God, and said I am done, who cares if I dump this person and move on to the next.<p>There are so many things Steve and I talked about, and SNL doesn't realize what he is doing to this family, and himself. Steve realizes that I am here willing to help SNL, but SNL has to let the wall crumble. <p>I have started reading Passionate Marriage - it is good so far. As far as fitting, we would of not married if we didn't fit. We have a lot in common, religion (at one time was important), physical health, fitness, having a family, morals, extended family, honesty, etc. Steve and I went through quite a few, and we are quite compatible, the one point is communication, and how we relate the communication to each other. The Passionate Marriage talks about the communication to each other, and the Differentiation of each individual. I haven't read but 97 pages it is 426 in all. But what he says makes sense. He gives scenarios of 2 different marriages, one is like ours, very close to divorce, and he has helped them to become very loving. <p>SNL thinks he had the green grass with the OW, but he realizes too that she used him for a crutch, and sex. The other woman dumped him and now he can see where he made a mistake, but he won't admit it. <p>SNL if he doesn't change his attitude, will always be looking elsewhere, because he is not content with himself, and he needs to be loved and needs to give love. I want to do this, but it takes two almost 100% to make it work. I was willing, but SNL like tonight said he doesn't want the marriage to work. <p>Talking with STeve, SNL seems to be in a deep Fog, he doesn't know what he wants in life, doesn't know what he wants to do the rest of his life, doesn't know if he wants to be around all our children, doesn't know if he wants to go to church, etc.<p>Like today he asked if I would like to go to church tomorrow, I said why, he couldn't give me an answer except that it was a special holiday. I told him that I would feel like a hipocrit for going Easter, and the last time he went was X-mas. He basically told me he gets nothing in going to church. I told him it is listening to the sermon, fellowship with the others, going groups at the church, having a bible study to attend. I really wanted a christian husband, and a family that wanted to attend church. Two of our kids he asked if they wanted to go to church, and I guess their answer was similar to mine.<p>Marriage is what you make of it. SNL and thinker could have a good marriage, we need help, and I am going to ask someone for a good marriage counselor. The Psychologist I saw Monday, told me to look for things in a counselor. Like the counselor we were seeing, we would go in the next time, and the counselor would ask us what we wanted to talk about, that was a no no. They should have a set plan, a long term plan, break it down to months, and then to weeks. If there is no plan, get up and leave. <p>Yes, I believe that we went to God with our hearts in the right place. We strayed off, and can get our life back. I am carrying a lot of luggage on my shoulders, and SNL doesn't see some of the luggage I am carrying. If he would ask I would tell, but I need him to listen intently, and try not to fix the problem. We could talk about it without fixing the problem.

<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Mikkey ]</p>