After almost 11 days of seperation, H kinda tells me yesterday he wants a divorce (he didn't come out and say the words, but we talked all around it). I told him I'd do anything to change how he feels. But the problem is I'm not sure how he feels. I know he loves me, at least some where deep down he does and up to yesterday, he has told me he does. Being a woman, I need to know why. He says he doesn't know. Its all his fault and not mine. Thats not good enough for me. We did talk about child support (1 DD, 4.8 yrs old) and who would take what bills yesterday, but I don't want this divorce. He refuses to go to a marriage counselor, I think he's made up his mind and nothing I can do or say will change it. What now? Go along with it? although my heart is screaming NO?

Hi W&M,<p>I know it's been said before, but what you need to do is read as much as you can about this site. Read about plan A & B. None of us really want a D, but it happens. Read the topics and see how other BS react on different situations. I was blown out of the water like you. By reading as much as I could, I understood what I needed to do for myself as well as my WS. <p>Take care<p>Dino

Oh Wand M how I feel for you its a year since my husband left me and although hes never actually said he wants a divorce it has been mentioned when I've got upset. He now lives with his g.f
All I can say is you have to step back and give yourself time to come to terms with it, read this site, Divorce busters and Rejoice ministries sites and then ypou'll have a better understanding of what happens. I wish I'd known about all of them 12 months ago I would have avoided a lot of mistakes.
Jante

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. <p>I was in the exact same place 7 months ago.<p>Let me try and pass on the advice that was given to me and hopefully it will help you through this difficult time.<p>First you need to gather a support system for you - it can be made up of friends, family, a counselor, priest/minister/church group and most importantly God.<p>Do you know if there is another woman? Usually when a spouse says they want to separate there is another person. It's just the odds. If so read SAA (Surviving an Affair) by Harley. You should also read in any event His Needs Her Needs(HNHNs) by Harley. I will help you understand what is happening in your marriage right now. <p>It's best not to beg and plead for H's return. Many people have tried that and learned that is does not work. The best course of action is to read the info. on this site and try to Plan A. Basically, Plan A is learning what your H needs and then trying to meet those needs. ALl the while trying not to do any LBs(love busters) - you will read about them in HNHNs and on this site. There are also some quesitonaires that can help you identify his ENs(Emotional Needs) and your LBs on this site that you can print out.<p>Now right now you are upset and confused and probably the last thing you want to do is meet your H's emotional needs. However, if you want to save your marriage, it really is the safest course of action until you gather more information on the situation.<p>Scroll down this board to the new members message posted by anna2000 to get more info. about the acronyms and other info. about Marriage Builders.<p>Your emotions are going to go on overdrive during this time. Try to take life one day at a time right now. If you feel angry and want to express it - come post on this board. You can also post on GQII board which has more people to offer advice on it. <p>You have come to the right place - I wish I would have found MB sooner than I did, but you're on the right track.<p>Take care of yoruself. K

Protect yourself and your children financially. If Plan A/B conflicts with that, protecting yourself comes first. Even if he has always been a wonderful father and shown no evidence that he would ever neglect his children financially, that often changes completely sometime after separation.<p>There is almost always another woman, even if he swears there is not. Nothing you can do or not do will make much of a difference - in many cases trying to be nice will just allow him to walk all over you. Based on my experience, the first thing you should do is to go to a lawyer and get temporary orders, not only to protect yourself but also including provisions prohibiting either of you from exposing the child to "friends" of the opposite sex, and at the very least preventing anyone of the opposite sex from being present overnight when he has the child. <p>Don't let anyone try to tell you that this is somehow about "unmet needs" that you could have fulfilled if somehow you had been a "better" wife. Affairs are about the betrayer - almost always they have a hole inside themselves that nothing can ever fill; typically they are suffering from depression and related self-esteem issues. He is correct when he says that this is not about you - unfortunately, the OW will do her best to try to convince him that it is.

To everyone - Thanks for the information. I started seeing a counselor yesterday, so hopefully that will help me. I'm sure there is no OW. I think he is running from responsbilities and have told him as much. He'll see when he starts trying to juggle his own money and expenses. Things aren't going to be as easy as he thinks! <p>THANKS!

I feel your pain...my husband I went through this when we were married after 2 years. We separated, at the time our oldest son was only 6 months old...H couldn't decided what to do. He said that he wanted the divorce and I told him to go and file. 3 weeks later, with out a word from him, I finally took the ball back into my own court and filed... 2 days before he was to be served, he showed up on my front door telling me that he wants to try. He said that he will do anything even go to counseling. We did go through our church, but only 4 times. After that, seems that we came together and our communication was great. We are a military family and since last FEB 2001, we have been apart for a total of 8 months. 3 months the first time he was deployed, and 5 months the second. In between that time, we had hit a major low in our marriage...That was before he left for the second time. We started counseling and went to 2 sessions, then he was sent off. I realized when he returned 3 weeks ago, that no matter how much we talked about how much we wanted our marriage to work, that our problems never went away.<p>Now, here I am, after 8 years years of marriage, and in the same situation. My husband said, "He doesn't know" But there is another woman in his life...his EX girlfriend before me. They were together for 2 years, she was even pregant with his child but unforunatly aborted the baby. All of a sudden, out of now where, she pops him an email. They have been keeping in contact since the end of January. He was still overseas, but I could sense that there was something going on..he was keeping very distand from me. I found out that they have been talking to eachother...I found a calling card in his wallet and he finally fessed up. Now he says he doesn't know what he wants. He can't explain these feelings that he is having for his EX. I am a reck because of it! The past is coming back to haunt him and us. He told his sister that he feels terrible about what happend with him and his EX. There was never any closure between the 2 of them. He just left her and then 10 months later, met me and we started our relationship and eventually married. I too am in counseling. I have gone 2 times already this week and go back tomorrow. The thought of rejection still lingers in my mind although he has never said it was over, just that he doesn't know what he wants. His grandmother whom he was very close with just passed away too, so on top of the past coming back, our marriage, and his grandmother passing away, he is so foggy right now. I am willing to do what I can to make my marriage work. But I feel that he has issues on his own that he needs to work out before he decided to call it quits. We both are going to counseling together also. We had our first session last Thursday, then later that afternoon, we got the grim news about his grandmother. He left on Friday. Now, here it is 5 days later, I too feel like my life is in limbo. How can he have such control? I am doing what I can to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead. All I have right now is myself and my strength. I have to depend on that for what lies ahead. If he sees that I am strong and not begging, and that YES I WILL BE OKAY, then maybe he can find the strength with in him to figure out what is wrong with HIM. I want to do the best that I can for myself and our to sons also, who are 6 and 2. When ever you need to talk, just email me, I will be happy to listen...cfvetere@rap.midco.net<p>I wish you the best of luck, at the same time, hoping the best for my future too!<p>Christine<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: cfvetere ]<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: cfvetere ]<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: cfvetere ]</p>