Hi,
Guess I'll just ramble a little bit... having a down day.<p>I usually hang out on GQII, but come here from time to time to read a bit. I guess I have partially been in denial of sorts, [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] and didn't want to have to come to the "D/D" board, but I'm finding things very difficult to get through. Seems to me that many of the posts here relate to kids, or divorce details, or even strategies to avoid divorce, and I don't really fit in to those type of things, but I'm having a tough time, and I hope you can help me a little. (BTW, my details are in my sig line).<p>Well, my D was finalized on 3/1/02, after 9 months of Plan A and Plan B. I am still in Plan B, as it is too painful to remain in contact with XH since he is living with OW. We communicate by e-mail about financial details, etc. He had wanted to "remain friends", but I just don't wanna - and there's really no need to, with no kids. Friends don't do this to each other. <p>First, we don't have kids. I understand that this is largely a blessing, because their little lives would have been disrupted. But I also find it to be a void in my life, as I haven't had them to lean on for love and care, as well as a reason to push forward and be strong on a daily basis... if that makes any sense to anyone.<p>Most days I am ok.. pretty good actually... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] feeling some relief for things to be resolved - "over"... and feeling optimistic about my new life. Most days, really. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But some days are pretty bad. I guess it's triggers I come across that cause me to miss him pretty bad. I'm also still holding some resentment for his A, that he never gave us a chance after the A, that if he was truly unhappy - he never told me, and the fact that we didn't have a chance to resolve this. I resent the fact that he left me alone, and he's got her. It's also the time of year to face anniversaries of when the foggy behavior started last year. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also get very upset - irritated - when I send him an e-mail asking a question that needs an answer, and I don't hear from him for days. I can't help but wonder what the reason is, and what he's feeling these days in general:
1. Does he hate me now, and can't stand to communicate with me?
2. Does he feel guilty for the A and divorcing me?
3. Is he having SUCH a wonderful life that he simply doesn't have time for me at all?
4. Is he purposefully taking his time responding to p!ss me off?
5. Is it just the way he is, and it drives me nutso?<p>Well, I guess I needed to get these feelings out. If anyone has any thoughts or advice, please let me know. Maybe just someone understanding how I feel. Just kinda down today. When will the roller coaster stop?<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hi Faith<p>First I Wanted to say I understand how you feel I have many down Days too. I find that talking about things really helps. My WW said she needed space and was going to her mothers for the weekend , Sunday she came home long enough to get some of her things along with my Stepsons while I was at church. As I was coming home I passed her on the road. Monday she moved in with OM. And has been there since. She was a victim of divorce as a child and equates sexual love as the only love never experienced long term relationship Had many short ones. I lasted longer than any 6 years. Then she said she wasn't happy and left.I lost a wife and a best friend so I thought. Even As our divorce gets closer she will call me and talk for .5 to 1 hour about her life. She wants to be my friend but not my lover she needs the excitement of deceit I guess. I don't think OM will last long but my Stepson will suffer the most. She can't really move out for Economic reasons.So I understand the hurt the betrayaland confusion you feel. I sit at night thinking of the good times and wonder what I did wrong. What I did Wrong was not follow her into depression and look for greener grass. I tried to be a good person she translated that as trying to be better than her (her Low self esteem) Well now Our divorce will be final close to our 7th anniversary May first. WE will survive

Thank you trailhorse. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I like your name too - curious to know where it came from.<p>It's so hard to face life without my BEST-EST friend. The memories are hard to think about, and the future is hard to think about. I thought we'd always be together. We'd have a family, go thru the adventure of raising kids, and grow old together. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I guess it will take time. I guess it will get easier.

Hi
Just got back in from chores. I Have a Horse due to foal any day now so I need to keep a eye on her.<p>Yes it gets lonely especially this time of night it was our time together. I had a conversation with a Wise old woman. (her expression) And she told me how her husband was cheating on her over and over for thirty years. That some just can't be faithful for whatever reason. And god opens a door for us the betrayed spouse but if we are not careful we close it and live in misery. That you I whoever needs to think of this adversity as a door to a new and better life. To learn from our mistakes and find happiness. Happiness that would not be there if let the poison (negative influence} back in.Keep posting praying and that door will be there.

Faith, first I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm very new here, so not sure if it is OK to just post our thoughts and feelings on a subject especially to a "total stranger".
Anyways here goes. <p>I finalized a divorce from a 10 year marriage last year. So I somewhat understand your thoughts/feelings. <p>For me (and it seems like it sounds with you somewhat) was the feeling of guilt that I had of feeling like I was a "failure" of somesort. That something that was supposed to be so great failed. Perhaps like flunking a school course but magnified by ten thousand. Now if one has skipped class, never did homework, then flunked, you wouldn't be surprised. But when you put your heart, mind, soul, and body into something and fail...... it's very detremental. Regardless of the fact if you are not to blame, or if you are to blame, divorce is a very draining and emotional process for antone.
I think society, and people struggling with divorce, fail to allot the toll that it takes on a person emotionally and spiritually.

As far as him not "tying the loose ends". Sometimes it's just TOO taxing for people to deal with issues. Although he left you (I think that is what I gathered from the message) he might still feel like a failure, guilty, etc.... and dealing with your email only makes him have to face/deal with things he probably has been avioding.
As far as you getting upset and worked up over it. In the words of Elenor Roosevelt, "No human has more power over you, than you give them."<p>I hope my two cents eases your angst somewhat.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

trailhorse,
Thanks again. I firmly believe in what you're saying... the door to the future and all. It's just so hard sometimes. sighhhh.... thanks for reminding me to keep looking for it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Catwalk,
Thank you VERY much for your 2 cents!!! It's worth more than that. Yes, guilt - feeling like a failure - is very much what I feel. I never thought I would be "divorced". I wasn't perfect, but HE chose to have and affair, and leave without resolving some issues. But I still battle those "failure" feelings.<p>Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to hear from some that know where I am.

You are very welcome. Feel free to contact me for email chat anytime. <p>Catwalk1972@aol.com

Faith
I think Catwalk said it very well.The failure is not ours allways but itcan be a tool we use to build a better life. We can't focus on what we had but on what we can be. What we can offer to someone I thier pursuit of happiness.<p>Wildbranch@iglide.net If you need to chat [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks again! And for your email addy's too! Today is MUCH better. I took a day off from work to get some things done for me, and I finally got an answer from XH on a few of my questions (it's about time [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). Hopefully the down days won't be too often. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know how you feel too. I really struggled within myself for a long time. I held on to my dreams for the future for far too long and it was very liberating when I finally let go.<p>It really does get better. I've been separated over a year now, and divorced almost a year. I have my own plans for my own life and I'm content to go on alone with those plans. I still have triggers occasionally too, but they happen less frequently and the intensity of the memory is more like bumping my funny-bone now, rather than feeling like I caught a fastball with my teeth. <p>For the longest time I would go home after work and have the strangest feeling as I walked in the door to my apartment. I would feel like this just isn't right, that I would be there instead of home. But then I'd shake it off and remind myself that I was indeed "home", and find something to be busy with. But that got better too.<p>I'm sorry you're having a down day and I hope you're able to feel a little better now. I read a lot over on GQ II and post a reply there once in a while. I see you there often, helping people, and it's a nice thing that you and others like Resilient and new_beginning and others do to help the newcomers. Even though you ended up divorced you learned a lot from the experience. You're a much better, much stronger person now than you were when you started down this road.

Just a comment about Plan B and still being friends. If you are truly in Plan B, you cannot be friends. Plan B is about total seperation. Total seperation protects you from the pain and protect your love for the WS. In addition, Plan B forces the WS into reality and challanges the OP to meet their ENs. The risk is that the OP can meet their needs and if so you marriage is done, but in most cases the OP cannot meet the WS needs. If you continue to meet some of the WS needs, by being friends, and the OP meets the rest of their needs, the WS has the best of both worlds and will not leave the situation. I understand it is difficult to stop being friends with your best friend but if you are trying Plan B, you must avoid all contact with the WS. My 2 cents.<p>Dave

sane and davepr, just wanted to check in and say thank you for your words and encouragement. I'm feeling pretty good today [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , but this roller coaster is tricky. <p>davepr, just a clarification, (sorry for the confusion), I completely agree with you, although it is good to be reminded so I'll be sure to stick with it. I am staying in Plan B. XH WANTED to be friends after the D, but I can't. You are right, he can't run off with OW and expect me to be right here for him for whatever he needs!! The only communication we have is via e-mail, concerning bills, money, taxes, getting things sorted out, etc. That communication will not even be necessary much longer, as most of those issues will be resolved soon.

Faith1, Great, stick too it, I am in the exact same situation! Dave