After waiting three months...with the paper signed -- she now signs them. Why? There were no LB... <p>I Plan A'd my but off...complements and all.. no love busters. All to emotional needs -- still she filed them (now for the 6 month waiting period). <p>We don't live together... but we date... hold hands,kiss (the simple kind), hug, cuddle, and are even going on a trip to London together next weekend. We do not make love -- of course -- I cannot get that "close" to her.<p>After only 2 years of marraige. Why did she file. Her heart must be with me. Her friends and Aunt tell her to leave me and forget about it -- is that why? AAah! Say she want more time with me -- but I'm "not safe." What's that mean?<p>No fair! No fair! I give my life for this woman! To just turn her back so completely and not even give a chance of reunification. I) am sure there is nobody else involved here -- we talk every day -- and she tells me strait out there is nobody - and she wants nobody. <p>Why file? Why now? Is this the end? What about London, what do I talk about -- continue plan A?<p>---- Help! ---- <p>---feeling beaten and war torn!
David<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: Esquire ]</p>

You have learned a valuable lesson. It is step one for AA. Admitting you are powerless. There is NOTHING you can do to change her mind. Ultimately the choice is hers to make. Plan A is about taking care of you. The skills you have learned and have been practicing are life skills and help you no matter what direction this road takes. <p>A LOT can happen in 6 months. Be patient, do your best but don't give so much that you regret if it doesn't work. Give to know you did your best. <p>This would be a good question to ask her if you really don't know why: why she thinks your not safe. <p>Only you can decide if it is time for Plan B. <p>I know it is CRAZY, this is a rollercoaster ride. A LOT can happen before next weekend. Why not let her bring it up - what to do. and don't even mention it until its time to leave to go to the airport. Just a thought.<p>Keep posting and keep venting.

Esquire,<p>No real advice, just a note saying I'm sorry you have to go through this.<p>ANNA

I wouldn't feel safe with you because you lied to me, betrayed me, and try to push hard for me to do things I don't really want to do.<p>How can you convince her you are safe?<p>Have you had a clean STD & AIDS test after the affair?<p>How will she know you will never deceive her again?<p>Will you stop pressuring her and manipulating her?

Voice of Reason!<p>I'm beside myself! After reading your posting - it's like my wife had been on-line reading my post and wrote what you wrote. In a real way - I wish you were her - and she had read this post.<p>My God - if she could only know how guilty to death I feel about my stupid, selfish, blind actions. For them, there is NO excuse...I accept full and total responsibility.<p>Pushing for things. Indeed, I pushed for some things as I know she is so very excellent at many things (but does not see it). I am so sorry that they made her feel manipulated. I wanted to see her shine. I think I lost sight of what she had wanted herself. For that I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not compromise when I should have. I am sorry that I may have disregarded her feelings here. <p>I have - actually - had the AIDS/STD test. I know she did - and so, I did too. I have not shared this with her yet.<p>Deception. I know this myself, too. I think there is no fast repair. Only going forward with straight honesty and openess. Consistantancy in actions, and honesty - especially to the tough question/situations - like - when I have done something wrong.<p>I do not know how anyone could know one would never decieve another - in any situation. I struggle with this insecurity myself. However, I love my wife with all my heart, my feelings inside me - after seeing what I have done to her and to our relationship are my scars to remind me of what is to be lost and the stake to drive me. I have faith in myself - I suppose that's a start.<p>Pressuring her...manipulating her. I do not want this to be a part of our relationship (or any other). I have no intention to manipulate her -or even to pressure her. She is surly in pain. I am too. Understand that my desires for my wife are not at all to pressure or manipulate her. Dear people...I am feeling helpless to my own emotions often and find that rational control does not come easy. I am scared. Scared for my life - as the woman of my heart prepares to depart. Desperate? You could say this - but it's rather a feeling of helplessness. I know I cannot manipulate her decisions. <p>However, I can do one thing for her. Show her who I really am...who she had fallen in love with that time not too long ago. I try be be there, to support, and spend time with her. I have no wish to pressure or manipulate her. Honestly, if I did at this point - I wish for myself to hang it up...the pain is too unbearable! <p>Relationships form without directions. I've had a few before - but they were never so much in my heart. I have made many mistakes. But I am committed to work on everything needed to improve what can be done. I would never have left her - I was simply scared and stupid. <p>This affair was four months it has been the only one and it was only about getting some attention -attention that I lacked from my wife. It was nonetheless, VERY wrong. I am committed to her and making a success of the relationship. It's just that she just refuses to believe that anything can move forward again - except for friendship (despite our flirting, hand holding anf cuddling). I am lost - likely, like her.<p>I will persevere. I don't know what will occur...but I love her honestly, fully and would like her to know this too.<p>-David<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Esquire ]</p>

David - my heart goes out to you. Have you told her everything you have posted here? Keep praying and letting her see how great your remorse is and how much you love her and want your marriage back. Ask her what it would take for her to consider giving you another chance. Then do it!! Don't give up. Even divorce does not have to be the end. You can only control your actions, not hers. Do not pressure her in any way. Just be there for her and be patient. Work on yourself - let her see that you intend to be the best husband you can be - a faithful husband, someone she can trust, someone that loves her enough to let her go, if that what she decides. This is really all you can do. My prayers are with you and your wife.<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Lady M ]<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Lady M ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Esquire:
<strong>...To just turn her back so completely and not even give a chance...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dear Esquire,<p>I am responding to your request for support in your healing... Boy, do you sound sorry about your adultery!! How can you suddenly be so sorry?? I don't get it...<p> You were so indignant in blaming her a few days ago, "No fair! No fair! I give my life for this woman." But YOU were the one who completely turned your back on HER for four months of unfaithfulness and not give HER a chance! <p>Why are you sorry now?
Are you sorry because you got caught?
Are you sorry because wife is rejecting you?
Are you sorry because the adultery woman rejected you?
Are you sorry because you are hurting and have neither woman to give you attention right now?
Are you sorry because she is so hurt?<p>Do you wish your wife was here like me somehow?<p>Your wife is your wife every second of the day.
How could you pretend like she wasn't your wife when you were thinking about and banging adultery woman?<p>Monogamy means giving 100% of yourself to one woman all the time... Your wife... Even when you would like more attention from her... Even when you are mad at her... Even when you can get away with sneaky sex... Even when she is rejecting you for the time being.<p>Honesty means why didn't you tell your wife the very first millisecond that you even gave into an inner thought/feeling of attraction towards somone else? Why not tell her you are angry that she isn't giving you the amount of attention you feel you deserve, and you are hunting down another female source of narcissistic supply?<p>Honest committment means you stop it pronto when your mind whips up those slutty horny fantasies about sneaky attention. As soon as an attractive desire starts being drawn out of bounds...shut off that thought... and wife needs to know about it TODAY! <p>You are in charge of your voluntary inner thoughts and feelings to a great degree. Your feelings aren't the boss of you. When shameful feelings are kept illicit in the dark, they soon master us because evil arises from the secret heart of man.<p>Share all your interior life with your wife-- that's healthy intimacy with the lights on. I think that's why I never was drawn to adultery... I told my H all my little lustful temptations, I renounced them, and then I quickly re-oriented my good sexual desire towards H... (a lot of good it did me...Hmph.)<p>Will you do something very important?
I believe that light dispels the darkness... Will you open up your rich inner life to the light of day? I really think you can. Let us know exactly your line by line thoughts about choosing to deceive, betray, and cheat. Tell us the very first thought that you took down the road to destruction. How did you rationalize what you were doing?<p>We won't condemn you. We don't want to be condemned when we mess up either. You are sorry now, no longer rebellious...You will overcome this. We can help you become accountable to yourself and to your wife and to God. <p>You will gain self-control, clarity and maturity by facing your deceit head-on. Then you can apologize for each and every lie. Would that kind of super honesty help your W feel safe?... <p>Perhaps...