I had a startling revelation last night. After work, I drove up to Lookout Mountain to think (you know...if you can't bring the mountain to Mohammed...haha). The past few days have been VERY hard and painful for me, and I needed a little quiet time to reflect,to get my head on straight and to think clearly. While I was up on the mountain, I realized something MAJOR.<p>In summary, my H had his affair two years ago. We supposedly "reconciled" one year ago. Well, for the past two years, I have been Plan A-ing my booty off (the obvious benefit is now I don't have a big booty--haha) and working very, very hard to have a mutual marriage and a loving relationship. Yes, I admit, I've had moments when I was no angel, but nonetheless, I have been trying to make a go of our marriage. <p>When my hubby said he wanted to reconcile and stuff last year, I thought he meant he wanted to find the way back to my heart...so I acted based on that assumption. Yesterday, as I was contemplating why he continues to hurt me the way he does, and why he doesn't apologize for treating me the way he does, it dawned on me. <p>He doesn't ask me how his behavior hurts me, because he doesn't want to know. He's not at that place in his life to ask. He doesn't ask for forgiveness because he is not in the place to want to be back to my heart--so consequently, not that he's being MEAN about it, but he doesn't care. If he cared, he would ask. I'm not saying this AT ALL judgmentally or hurtfully--I'm just saying, he is not at a place where he is available to do that.<p>So, for two years I have been acting based on the idea that he WANTS to think of me, stop hurting me, build love units, and behave lovingly toward me to help heal and get passed the affair. That's why his behavior has confused the **** out of me. Well, Dr. Harley said it best...wait until they care enough about you to ask if their behavior is hurting you! Until they care enough to ask, they aren't ready yet. Soooo...until HE cares enough to ask me for forgiveness, he's just not there yet, is he? He's not ready.<p>In a strange way, that is a big weight off my shoulders. Yes, I'll admit I'm sad that he is not yet ready to care about me and won't be asking for forgiveness or helping me heal any time soon, but it explains a lot. I TOTALLY get Plan B now. While he is NOT in that place yet and won't be apologizing, he will continue to do stuff that hurts and harms me (and not care that he's doing it), so I will be in the VERY vulnerable position to only LOSE love units and never gain them. Thus, a strong no-contact Plan B will limit the opportunities to hurt me until he is ready to ask and care. <p>Between you and I, this makes perfect sense, but I suspect I'll stick to the timeframe in our agreement: July 4th. On that date we have agreed that we will either be planning a wedding, or we will be divorcing, because I can't just hang in limbo forever. I truly do love the man and care for his best interests, but one way or another there needs to be an ending to this--for me. That will be 2 1/2 years since he had his affair. I'm happy with the effort I've put forth to save this marriage, and by then, if he is still unwilling/unable to ask for forgiveness or care that he's hurting me or help me heal, I believe it would be time to move on with a clear conscience. <p>So--anybody have any comments about my revelation???<p>
CJ

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well, Dr. Harley said it best...wait until they care enough about you to ask if their behavior is hurting you! Until they care enough to ask, they aren't ready yet. Soooo...until HE cares enough to ask me for forgiveness, he's just not there yet, is he? He's not ready.
<hr></blockquote><p>That sums it up pretty well I must say. I hope a good plan B will hasten him toward being ready, FW. You've spent a long time yourself getting ready for plan B. Just as your H needs to reach the point of caring about forgiveness, you needed your own time to be ready for plan B. I've often wondered when, not if, you would reach the point of being ready for plan B. I don't know what the proper acknowledgement is. Glee and jubilation aren't the first things that come to mind! It's very sad that your plan A didn't bring your desired results. I *am* VERY glad, though, that you're letting go of a plan A that didn't work. May your Plan B bring down a celestial frying pan the size of Colorado on your H's head!

I was just thinking about you and wondering how the separation has been going. It sounds like you've given yourself reasons to stick to a good Plan B and I'm happy for you. Protect what you've got.

I don't agree. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>wait until they care enough about you to ask if their behavior is hurting you! Until they care enough to ask, they aren't ready yet.<hr></blockquote><p>I do not think it is in any way normal or acceptable for someone to not care if he is hurting another person, no matter what their relationship. I can understand wanting to hurt someone else, and I can understand wanting not to hurt someone else, but not caring just doesn't make sense. For me, there is not a person in the world whom I don't care one way or another if I hurt. I think in most cases where the WS continues to treat the BS with cruelty, it is because he does want to hurt her - he is still angry, and it is often a case of displaced anger.

I would say that your revelation is much more reality based as compared to your rose colored assumption based last couple of years. .. . . .<p>meaning, you need to look at the world through buddhist eyes: no overlays of your expectations, just reality of what is. . .<p>view reality for what it is with no emotional attachment, observe and react to what you see, not what you think should happen or what you feel should happen, or what you feel should be happening, or assuming what should be . . . .<p>observe and react to what is. . .
and continue to work on yourself as the goal of the rest of your life. . .
read "If the buddha married"<p>wiftty

<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: HowlingAlone ]</p>

<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</p>