Hi Y'all! I spent a little time reading these boards before I finally "took the dive" and registered. So many of your stories are almost identical to mine. I wanted to offer a "Ray of Hope" because there is SO MUCH negativity and hurting of innocent spouses by selfish, uncaring "It's ALL about me" mates. My profile at the end of this will give a brief glance at my first and (currently very happy) second Marriage.
I wish I had found this Site when I was in Divorce Recovery back in '98 but God had other plans for me. Suffice it to say that He had other resources for me: the most helpful was a book by Jim Smoke called "Growing Through Divorce" which helped me immensely. Marriage Builders is an excellent source of help. I sometimes wonder - IF my first wife and I had found Marriage Builders, how different would our Final Outcome have been? But, I'm not crying over spilt milk. I look at my Current Marriage now, and it's quite obvious that God had a far better life for me than the miserable 17 years I had just come out of. I praise Him every day for what He did and I thank Him for the WONDERFUL Christian woman he placed in my life.
Our secret (is it really a secret?) is:
- We pray together every night
- I read Christian Marriage Books every night, a few pages or more (Renew Your Mind with GOOD things)
- We have deep intimate conversations about anything and everything: we love to talk to each other, as we are not only Lovers, we're Best Friends!
- We took all our mistakes we made in our First Marriages and applied THE OPPOSITE in our Marriage now.
- We thank the Lord for bringing us together
- We have learned the Art of Listening and not interrupting; how to have an Adult Conversation with common courtesy and respect for each other
- We attend church every Sunday
- I have accepted my Role as Spiritual Leader of our Home and realize that my responsibility as a Husband is to CHERISH my wife and if necessary - to die for her; to do everything I can to place her needs before my own. Her happiness is very important because when she's happy, then I'm happy: happiness IS contagious!
- Although the Divorce Rate for 2nd Marriages is very high, you CAN cut that rate to almost ZERO if you continue to Guard your Heart against outside influences and attacks by the Devil that would damage/destroy your Home
- The Bible tells us to be as a "Watchman on the Wall" ie. to ALWAYS be on the lookout for possible attacks against you. Our Marriage is sacred and the Devil "walks around as a roaring lion seeking to devour" our Marriage - God hates Divorce but the Devil LOVES it!
= I'm certainly no better than anyone else; however, these are lessons I've had to learn the HARD WAY.
- The moment I say I'm in NO DANGER of a fall by outside temptations, then I'm a PRIME TARGET of the Devil for a Fall! I'm a imperfectly created human and realize that, so I guard my heart against my known weaknesses and temptations.
- God never planned for Husband and Wife to be miserable and by "staying in the Word", in Church, putting GOOD things into your mind as good Christian Marriage books, and just INTIMATE COMMUNICATION with your Spouse, you WILL be blessed!
Praise the Lord for His wonderful ways.
Peace and Blessing to everyone who reads this.
Love, Harold & Cathy T.

Thanks for your encouragement. I am not DV and do not plan on it, but I know so many who need to hear your story. In some ways I envy you. My W and I love each other, but we are on very different levels and "wavelenghts" so that we cannot commmunicate deeply or intimately. Due to both our personalities, parental models, and backgrounds, there just is not the raw material for this, and although my W is satisfied, I am deeply lonely. With 5 kids, and a good, loyal W I could never leave, but how I long not to be lonely. God bless you in your M.

rjd... (given what you said, then this)..With 5 kids, and a good, loyal W I could never leave, but how I long not to be lonely. <p>snl...Why not? If you have no relationship (are only roomates being nice) you can provide her support etc divorced as well as married, and in fact the argument can be made that if one member of a marriage is lonely, and not fullfilled, you are already divorced, and only cohabitate (because as you noted, you do not fit).... The further argument is that in this state you are only a shadow of the person you should be, and that impacts not only you, but your kids who are deprived of a satisfied, happy, joyous father, and all the psychologcial benefits therein. There is no way around this, sacrificial marriage is one solution to misfit, but it comes at a very high price, much higher than divorce. What about your w, how does she cope knowing she can never meet your needs? Or do you keep this from her? If so, what about honesty? Obviously human relations are complex, and your brief statemtn here does not necessarily reflect your truths, obviously there are some benefits, or in fact you would leave... some would say you just need an attitude adjustment (find happiness inside you, not in wife..etc. etc... just various thinly veiled suggestions that boil down to reprogramming you into someone else, assuming you are normal, and happy with who you are). Your wife may be loyal, but loyalty is not love, and maybe she would also be much better off with someone who felt they fit her just fine, and you are standing in the way of that...anyways your post was so sad...another lifetime wasted in the pursuit of maintaining the picture, and not the well-being of the people in it. Have you tried harley counseling? I am also curious why your wife allows this....one of the reasons I am seperateing from my w is I know I cannot make her happy, I will never be the person she needs to fit her. I cannot understand why anyone would allow a marriage to continue where one person is not happy in it.

I am SNL wife, yes we are separated, but this separation thing seems to be the divorce he has wanted. Yes, I am sad, I feel SNL is happy. <p>SNL could of been a Husband that made me very happy. As far as the fitting issue, no one fits each other like SNL says, it is not there, will never be there. We fit in quite a few ways, but SNL had the green grass till the fire started and burnt up.<p>As far as 2nd marriages, the chances of those marriages surviving will be quite low. The Passionate Marriage I am reading goes into that too. <p>As long as you dated an appropriate time, had fun together, thought alike, (which we did), had the same interests (which we did), etc. Your marriage can work. But it takes 2 to have a good marriage. When in our case only 1 worked on the marriage, according to the counselors, it won't work. The other sits on the fence and goes yeah BUT. the BUT is what causes the problems. These people have made a big wall, and is impossible to ever have a good relationship with anyone for a very long length of time. Yes. SNL thought the OW was his fitting. Well, that went downhill, and the lies we found out, she wasn't that great.<p>So 2nd marriages, because of both divorcing do not have much to stand on. Now a second marriage cause of death, has a better chance. Given a great amoung of dating, and getting to exercise power, and attitude. SNL is going to find it difficult to have anyone that has put forth the effort I have with SNL in all his adventures. SNL is the normal person, and he thinks I am inadequate now. He feels we don't fit, STeve Harley says, there is no fitting, it is the same set of mind and etc. We had it, and it could come back, but SNL needs to back away from the wall.<p>2nd marriage is not so good, especially for 2 divorced people. Just talked to a psychologist this last week, said the same, chances are quite slim. You FEEL you made the mistake in your first marriage, usually only one feels that way, and it will be repeated again. The problem with good counseling the issues of both partners could be mended and dealt with. So much for SNL vows and christianity.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by thinker:<p>As far as 2nd marriages, the chances of those marriages surviving will be quite low. The Passionate Marriage I am reading goes into that too. <p>As long as you dated an appropriate time, had fun together, thought alike, (which we did), had the same interests (which we did), etc. Your marriage can work. But it takes 2 to have a good marriage. When in our case only 1 worked on the marriage, according to the counselors, it won't work. [/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>I agree with Thinker on this one (as quoted) but not the part where 2nd Marriages have a low chance of working out. I beg to differ, but any marriage will work out if BOTH want it to. My first marriage would have worked out, but for the fact that my EW thought she was PERFECT and it was I who was so wrong with all the mistakes, wrong attitude, etc.
Peace, Harold

LUVMYBABY;
Thankyou for what you said about God bringing you a wonderful woman.I feel the same about my girl. We both have some of the same interests,Gardening(roses),cooking,etc but also like me she can weld,work on cars(she's learning here cause no one taught her)and not afraid of power tools(we plan building or renovation our own home). She can run an office or work in a welding shop which to me is awesome.
I don't agree with thinker cause to say a 2nd marrige is doomed to failure is a negative way of thinking. Like you, I have this feeling that god has his hand in this relationship because I have dated alot of women in the past and married one but I never felt like this about one person in my life. I have dumped alot of GFs and when my first wife came to me and said I'm leaving, I said theres the door don't let it hit you on the way out and I never regretted it,never went back either. But this one, I couldn't, something is keeping me here and is saying stay, it will be worth it in the end.We both feel this way and so we are BOTH working on this relationship and will work together on our marriage in the future. The only thing we can contribute to this is Love and God.
Lose her or leave her not in this life time, yes we have problem, but problem due to growing and learning pains that any relationships go through. Like the song says:"You have to go through hell before you get to heaven"
One otherthing before I go, she is the only woman I have ever met that reconferms my faith in God. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: 231 ]</p>