tengu,<p>
Who the F%^& do I think I am?<p>I already told you, I am a rat... A stinking, filthy, cheating, no-good, arrogant, sewer rat.<p>I could be one of your crazy online friends, too. <p>I thought you needed a swift kick in the A**.<p>I was testing you, checking your mettle...goading you...<p>And you, tengu, are spoiling all my fun. Your response to my post-bashing indicates that you might not quite be big fat rat material--- Too bad I couldn't easily recruit you into my swaggering Gang of Supreme Wizard Rats.<p>It appears that you may have an intact personality. You may have the inner humility to at least mentally consider a constructive solution to a problem within the scope of your rightful authority.<p>Your marriage is your rightful territory and responsibility.<p>Your family is your rightful territory and responsibility.<p>The personal well-being and safety of each of your family members is your rightful territory and responsibility.<p>Defend your territory. Protect it. Build it up. Make it strong. <p>Your marriage, family, wife, children, and yourself are under an insidious attack.<p>Develop a victory plan of counter-attack. Establilsh a strategy. Follow through on your decisions. Monitor your progress. Make adjustments. Change course mid-stream based on feedback.<p>Succeed. Prevail. Win the Battle! <p>But how will you plan a constructive solution???<p>You will have to summon your inner resources.
You will have to be a leader. You will have to take the charging infidelity bull by the horns to steer your wounded sinking ship.<p>Put on your battle gear and rev-up your weapons of war!<p>You are a computer whiz...Open up your word processor program...start a new file...Label it...Operation Enduring Marriage... or... Project Marital Bliss.... something big and important.<p>As Joint Commander-in-Chief, download the contents of your brain and heart onto the Brainstorm Section of this file...<p>Then working into the wee hours of the night, burning the midnight oil... develop a master blueprint for attack strategy...<p>The Master Strategy includes:<p>I. Assessment Phase
- describe the problems
- define the issues
- write an honest history of when it started
- summarize the current status of your
relationships <p>II. Information Gathering Phase
- collect information
- determine resources
- elicit referrals
- list potential treatments
- explore available options<p>III. Organizational Phase<p>IV. Execution Phase<p>V. Monitoring & Maintenance Phase<p>etcetera...
__________<p>Do you feel powerful? So you feel confident??<p>Mull it over...Get up the courage... Then do what I already suggested about vomiting your resentment on your wife's lap....forgiveness...<p>Tell your wife to her face that you no longer love her.<p>Tell her that you are seriously considering leaving her.<p>Tell her that you have been fantasizing about another woman to take her place.<p>Make sure you are wearing ear-plugs! Expect hysterical screaming, raging anger, and racking tears. Be a silent mass of sorry man.
__________<p>When she comes back home the next day....
Show her your MASTER PLAN....... Ask her to join you in attacking the PROBLEMS! Insist that these issues be addressed... She must jointly seek help together with you...
__________<p>You will make her your best friend. You will build an exhilarating new life with her. You will make room for the many new friends you will gain by giving up your competing lovers: resentment, emotional infidelity, and martial arts.
________<p>Quick...... Read this book ASAP to help you get the Courage and Know-How to confront your deranged wife:<p> The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia
Evans.
www.verbalabuse.com

Also available at the public library.<p>If you chicken-out of a constructive solution, let me know, my Gang is always open to new dirty rats.

Fiendishly yours,
The Ratz

Hi tengu,
I'm not quite sure what I'm dealing with in my H, but information I've read lately about passive aggression sure fits him like a glove! PAPD (passive aggressive personality disorder) was classified in a previous version of the DSM, but with volume IV, PAPD was lumped in with BPD for diagnosis. I really don't care if it has it's own label or if I'm correct in my armchair psychology assessment. Having read the information, I feel like I can respond in a healthier way to my H's behavior. More importantly, I don't feel quite so inadequate as I did during the many years that I was blamed for so many things, or scorned for my multitude of shortcomings. <p>What I find so disheartening is the lack of success stories. PAPD (or whatever it's called now) seems to afflict men more than women, and the literature is slanted as such. I imagine there's many flavors of BPD. If it's of any help, here's a link to info on PAPD traits.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html<p>I also recommend Patricia Evan's books on Verbal Abuse, but that's as close as I'll get to commenting on Ratz' post! Evans helped me understand what I'm dealing with. Books on Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud helped me even more in changing the way I respond. Other things going on with my H is untreated post traumatic stress from Vietnam, and probably depression too. I paved a path a mile wide for him to seek counselling for ptsd at the veteran center. He's convinced they're dangerous and evil people there. <sigh> Two weeks prior to separation, he finally went there for an evaluation. Not a word about it after that. I guess he's not going. In a way, I feel like I strongarmed him into that first appointment. I won't press the issue anymore because the key to his recovery really depends on HIS choice and HIS desire to get better. I've been separated from him now for two months. I hope you have better success than I. If I had to choose a new nickname for him, I'd choose "Mr. Won't Budge an Inch." <p>Oh, I just thought of one more thing... back when I thought ptsd was the only thing happening with him, I was very discouraged by the statistics for recovery through traditional treatment. My marriage counselor said there's a new treatment that's proving very effective. EMDR. Eye movement something something (sorry, don't recall the last two words). If your W has traumatic stress in her past, perhaps it will be helpful for her.

I don't think the Passive agressive fits her. Not based on the brief description. <p>PAPD patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships. They usually lack assertiveness and are not direct about their own needs and wishes. They fail to ask needed questions about what is expected of them and may become anxious when forced to succeed or when their usual defense of turning anger against themselves is removed.<p>
:In interpersonal relationships, these people attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and munipulative." <p>This does fit<p>
"People with this disorder expect others to do their errands and to carry out their routine responsibilities. "<p>as does this<p>The rest does not fit, she is not really a procrastonator,though she does tend to be late, and take long to get moving. The book "stop walking on egg shells" is so close it seems like they based it ob her.

You can count it as a blessing that PAPD doesn't fit! I'm glad that the info *wasn't* much help. <p>I haven't read the walking on eggshells. Can you share some highlights?

Tengu,<p>The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, by P. Evans<p>"...It is a fact that some men suffer verbal abuse from their mates." pg. 17<p>"...There are possibilities for a happy relationship if both parties are willing to change..." pg. 18<p>"...I suggest that when you recognize what you are encountering (verbal abuse from your spouse), you respond to what you are recognizing in a specific way--a way that requests change." pg.19<p>"...If your limit is, "I won't tolerate being snapped at or yelled at," your enforcement is, "Stop it!" pg. 133<p>"When you set limits, you establish your boundaries. Your boundaries help to protect your integrity as an individual...All verbal abuse violates your boundaries in some way. If you are verbally abused, it is important that you respond with an awareness of the violation that has occurred. Responding appropriately enforces your limits and reestablishes or confirms your boundaries." pg. 133<p>Responding to Judging and Criticizing<p> "NO one has the right to judge and criticize your personal qualities and performance. Defining you violates your boundaries. The presumption is an invasion." pg. 145<p>"To respond to judging and criticizing, speak as strongly, firmly, emphatically, and authoritatively as you can and let the energy of your anger support you:

"Do you hear yourself?"
"Stop judging me."
"Cut out the criticism."
"Enough of that."
"I don't accept that."
"That's nonsense."...<p>Then disengage, leave the area if possible, and certainly don't continue with a discussion. Further discussion dilutes the impact of your response." pp. 145-146<p>Or, in your case: <p> "Stop telling me I'm wrong!"
"Don't tell me I'm wrong!"
"Ask for what you want, don't tell me what
to do!"<p>The Tengu Titanic doesn't have to sink...Captain!!Help!!!!<p> Helllllllpp!......glugglugglug...splash...gaspgaspgasp.......... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Ratz ]</p>

EMDR - eye movement desensitization and reprogramming.<p>Been there. Done that. For a PTSD thing and an abuse thing. Seems to have helped. Too bad my wonderful counselor moved before we could address a couple of other issues. Now I need to find a new one. Sigh. But not immediately. I love it when things are going well!