Hi, I am new here so be patient please. About 3 months ago my w said that she had enough of my mood swings and that if I did not get help that she could not go any further in our marriage. I went to the doctor and found out that I have bi polar disease. Not bad but mostly depressive part of disease with normal feelings being the high. I have been on effexor for about 2 and half months, she said she could tell the difference. After that there were other reasons that she felt she could not go on with me. One was my hobby, which I agreed to quit since I agreed that it was an obsession with me, another reason she felt she could not go on was a neglect of my responsibilities which I also pleded guilty. I quit my hobby, spent more time with 3 kids, and started major work on house. After all of this she tells me that the damage has been done over the course of our 14 years of marriage because of my mood swings and that she doesn't love me and never see's loving me, even though she believes that I could be what she want's, she doesn't want me. I know she is hurt and mad but she sais that she is not mad. We have been to counselling and the counselor has tiold her that our problems are very solvable, and that she needs to deal with unforgiveness. She is in my mind in denial of her anger toward me even though she can't stand to be around me it seems. I have done all the wrong things it seems to win her back according to what I read here, but knew of no other way to handle the situation. I have begged, tried reasoning, cards, gifts, flowers all to no avail. Just the other night she said she would give it 6 months before filling only after she said I guilted her by saying that she was putting her happiness over the kids like her mother did. Since then she has been crying a lot because she is so unhappy. She constantly tells me that she does not love me and does not wan't me or ever see's her feelings change. I find it hard to believe that she went from loving me to almost hating me eventhough I have done everything she has asked in only a few months. I thought that maybe there was someone else, but I have done a lot of investigating and can not find any evidence of that. I guess she may be wanting to get with someone but I have no evidence otf that either. I love her a lot and now that she is so unhappy I can't stand to let her be this unhappy, I am planning to let her go eventhough I don't think that will bring her long term happiness. Am I doing the right thing? She has put off a divorce this long because of the financial strain that she will be under but this is something that I feel that she must face. She underestimates the effects of what this will do to the kids, eventhough the counselor has told her different. She bieves that it is worst for the kids for us to be together under less than perfect circumstances. I need some advice on what to do, is she being realistic in her thinking or is her thinking clouded by her hurt and anger? That is what I feel the problem is although I could be in denial that she really doesn't love me. Please respond so I can get some relief of the guilt I feel and the helplessness I fell. Thank you, love to all. herbie

See if she will agree to the MarriageBuilders principles during this 6 month trial. <p>There is a Policy of Joint Agreement
Rules of Protection
How to Overcome Lovebusts
Emotional Needs Questionnaire
Plan A/Plan B - even if there is no proof of affair. <p>There is so much info here. You could start here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5515_qa.html<p>How did you quit your hobby that you say was an obsession. Obsessions are not so easy to just "give up" without doing major work on yourself. <p>If she feels she needs divorce then a trial separation maybe a way for her to see what it will REALLY be like. <p>Focus on changing you, and being the best you that you can be - that way you are growing and healing no matter what she decides. <p>As far as feeling helpless, if you could get in a 12 step program like AA or whatever addiction you have it would really help. Step 1 is admitting your powerless. Sounds like you are already there. Get heavily involved in a Bible believing church for support too. <p>Keep posting.

dude ive been thru excatly what u went thru first dont let her move out .. you move out leave the responsibilitys of the kids and house with her . of course you will need to help/.. then my friend trust me on this dont call her no gifts nothing act as if you are moving on and everything is great. never sound depresed allways be up even if youre not when seeing or speaking to her trust me dont chase after her .. dude women are unfair players . uncompasionate when it comes to meeting thier own needs. they can be ruthless and not care how bad they hurt you.. now to avoid her having affair which is starting to show its head just a little you have to do what i suggest or your **** out of luckif you want her back . and dont tell her any mussy stuff nothing dude then watch her come begging for you and have her meet some of your demands when she does .

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maddog:
<strong>dude ive been thru excatly what u went thru first dont let her move out .. you move out leave the responsibilitys of the kids and house with her . of course you will need to help/.. then my friend trust me on this dont call her no gifts nothing act as if you are moving on and everything is great. never sound depresed allways be up even if youre not when seeing or speaking to her trust me dont chase after her .. dude women are unfair players . uncompasionate when it comes to meeting thier own needs. they can be ruthless and not care how bad they hurt you.. now to avoid her having affair which is starting to show its head just a little you have to do what i suggest or your **** out of luckif you want her back . and dont tell her any mussy stuff nothing dude then watch her come begging for you and have her meet some of your demands when she does .</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dude, I'm a guy like you and I too was married to what could best described as the whore of Babylon (sexual addict). But even she did not make me bitter towards women in general. Thank God that I know more good, faithful, decent, caring, loving, women in my life than women like my xW and unfortunately a lot of them are married to cold hearted merciless aholes that call themselves men.<p>To Herbie:<p>I agree with ILuvNprotectME's advice. Try it, you got nothing to loose.<p>Joe

New member here... What does this button do?.....<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

Ooops..... Wrong button....<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

Woof...Woof...Rover!! No! Rover, get off my keyboard! I'll give you some of my pizza...Just get down!! Umph...Rover!! My post!!!...<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

Please stand by... We are experiencing technical dog difficulties...<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by herbie:
<strong>ISince then she has been crying a lot because she is so unhappy. She constantly tells me that she does not love me and does not wan't me or ever see's her feelings change. I find it hard to believe that she went from loving me to almost hating me eventhough I have done everything she has asked in only a few months. I love her a lot and now that she is so unhappy I can't stand to let her be this unhappy, </strong><hr></blockquote>
Dear herbie,<p>Just an observation....<p>Could your wife possibly be suffering from a medical Depression? A clinically significant Major Depression episode? A sudden negative change in her mood lasting longer than two weeks, in spite of improvements in your marriage, feels very unhappy, cries alot, says she's not angry, can't feel love, feels hopeless, can't see her feelings ever improving? Sounds alot like Depression to me.<p>A medical physician (Family Practice, Internal Medicine, or OB/GYN), or better yet a psychiatrist, can easily evaluate, diagnose, and treat Mood Disorders like Depression. Some psychologists can diagnose it, but only an M.D. doctor may prescribe medication.<p> Properly diagnosed Depression responds rapidly and wonderfully to treatment with anti-depressants, often starting to feel much better within two weeks.<p>It would be a tragedy for an ordinary temporary episode of unrecognized and untreated Depression to end a marriage. Especially an improving marriage with a sincerely motivated and loving husband like you, herbie...<p> Our psychologist marriage counselor was unaware that my WH & I were both succumbing to Depression during our marital crisis. He failed to diagnose it, even though we both were complaining about classic symptoms.<p>My WH recommended I call my only doctor at the time, my OB/GYN, since I was so upset about the shocking discovery of his betrayal. WH had just started anti-depressants Rx'd by his Internal Medicine M.D. because he was crying alot, couldn't sleep, had bad diarrhea (irritable bowels), and still had to function at work everyday.<p> After describing symptoms like your wife's (but worse) over the phone, my OB/GYN diagnosed Depression and prescribed an anti-depressant after one brief Saturday night phone call (I paged him). I was in excruciating physical/emotional pain, anxiety, had difficulty sleeping, and total loss of appetite from nausea, with sudden weight loss.<p> I started the medication that night. Two weeks later I began with an M.D. psychiatrist for counseling. However, by then I already felt fantastic improvement, and the symptoms were largely resolved within 2-3 months. That was over a year ago.<p>Now, I'm off medication, taking omega-3 EPA oils as a natural mood stabilizer, and done with the psychiatrist. I'm not depressed. Rather, I feel fabulous, and even wiser for the experience gained. I thank God every single day that I got the caring help that I desperately needed.<p> I hope I never get another episode of Depression again, but at least now I know how to recognize it and stop it dead in it's tracks before it causes any avoidable destruction.<p>I'll pray for your wife... whatever is causing her unhappy tears must be terribly painful.......

Hey Herbie , I feel for you brother , my situation has not gotten to the point yours has , I am getting help , actualy counseling ( wich I did on my own , she did not ask me to do it )I do fear the same result as you , she has tiold me that her love for me has diminished , due to my temper and attitude , and my constant bugging her about stupid things , now the worry I have , I could very possibly go through theropy , and go through marriage counseling ( which my doctor has commited to conducting , and my wife has agreed to participate) and she may not beable to forgive me , or regain her full love for me , all I can do is try ,
You have tried your best I wish the best of luck Bro, God Bless

Herbie here, I really appreciate the great information that I have recieved here. It has been a lot easier since I came to grips that whatever I tried to do to change her mind like beg and so forth was not going to work. I am now planning my life for devorce. She cries because I came back home after having left at her request for a month. She is very unhappy with me being here eventhough she hasn't filed yet. She is putting it off because of the strain financially that she will be in. She doesn't make much money and is avoiding the consequences of her actions. I am pushing her to do something soon and make her face reallity. She is very happy it seems around other people even though I think it is a front. She is on the praise team at her church and knows that in the eyes of God what she is doing is wrong but says that she doesn't care. She says God would not want her to be unhappy. We know that when a person wants out that they justify everything to fit thier beleifs. Well I have to go, she just came in and we had a talk about her plans for devorce. Can't think to clearly right now. Thanks a lot for listening. The love bug Herbie out.