I don't know, I've only been separated a short time but I'm going nuts. What am I supposed to do? Do I leave my wife alone totally with no communication at all? Or do I still try to talk to her on occasion? Having children I still have to talk to her. I find myself making excuses to call her just to hear her voice. Is this pushing her further away? I feel that if I'm not in her face she's going to forget about me, silly huh? She says she still hasn't settled in but when she does she'll begin thinking about what it is she wants. How long does in take to settle in? Maybe thats just and excuse to keep me off her back. The ache in my chest is still there as strong as ever and my daughter is now being hit by this harder now that she realizes mommy is not going to be there all the time. Please, someone offer some words of wisdom. Thank you.

I wish I had some answers or advice for you because then I would know what to do myself. H left one month ago today and like you we talk because of daughter (7 months old). He doesnt't want to talk about anything at this point and I don't want to push him farther away, but like you said you don't want her to forget you either. I don't want him to think I am not interested in saving our marriage. He is supposed to see the baby tomorrow for the 3rd time since he left. It is the first time though that he will have her by himself, although he will be at his parents home. Maybe someone will have some advice for both of us. I couldn't believe how similar what I am feeling inside is to what you had written though and I had to respond.

Jax,<P>Definately stop calling her. Let her call you. Talk only about practical matters (looking after the kids, etc.). Don't tell her how you feel. If she asks, tell "I'm fine." Don't ask her how she feels, or what she is doing. If she wants to talk about more important personal issues, listen, be supportive and empathetic. Don't get sad or mad. Stop talking when she has had enough. Thank her for talking.<P>You have a tough line to walk, Jax. Hang in there.<P>Kenneth<BR>

Kenneth,<BR>As always you've come through again with some supportive suggestions and I appreciate it very much believe me. I agree with all you've said but it's very tough. The thought of losing her completely is driving me up the wall. I have a lot of "what if" questions running through my mind making it hard for me to sleep at night. I've actually began a personal journal, writing down emotions and thoughts that I'm feeling at the time, it seems to help some. Yesterday I was re-reading what I wrote a few days earlier and got real pissed off with myself for seeming to have no back bone, then I got mad at her and took off my wedding ring, disregarding what it stood for and wondering why I should be so devoted and commited to a woman who doesn't want me anymore. But for all it's worth I am hanging in for the duration. Jax

Jax, <P>Here's my two cents, for what it's worth. I don't know if you know my story or not...but brief history: girl meets boy, boy and girl get married, girl leaves boy from "boredom" (lack of emotional needs being met on both sides), girl 'lives on own and dates,'girl misses boy terribly, girl moves back in with boy, boy and girl do nothing about previous problems in marriage and try to go back to normal, girl and boy are both deeply hurt by separation and find it impossible to play house, boy asks girl to leave.....girl moves out of town, meets new boy, boy fixes up house & meets new girl. Origianl boy and girl try not to think about 'what might have been,' boy finally contacts girl and expresses continued love...girl and boy find their current lives nearly impossible to uproot, both boy and girl are at a loss for what to do, not wanting to hurt New boy and girl, and not knowing what to do next...and here we are. Well...can you imagine if I had given the extended version?!!! Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I believe in reconcilliation-even after a lot of time has passed-my story is a saga that's spanned nearly three years now. It's sad and frustrating that my H and I cannot seem to get it together at the same time, and then when we finally do, we are both enmeshed in separate lives and still cannot seem to work things out. But I am holding out hope that someday things will be different. What all this boils down to in your situation is to not give up hope...at least not on love. True, you and your wife may not ever be together again. But love is a risk anytime...and you have to be willing to risk, otherwise, are you ever really able to love? You might want to look into a book called "When a Mate Wants Out" by Conway & Conway. They are Christian counselors who have seen miracles happen...even after years and years of separation or divorce. I'm not trying to preach (I'm not even Christian) but the book really addresses what you are going through right now and might help you some. You are in my thoughts.<P>~NE

Thanks NE, that is encouraging. I'm trying my best to see the bright side of this hoping against hope that she'll come around and at least want to try and negotiate our marriage. She always says "but I no longer love you right now" as I see it those are the key words, "right now" I'm thinking that maybe if she does have the space and time she needs she'll change her mind? who knows.

Jax,<P>The funny thing is you're handling this better than you think. No doubt about it, you're going to feel like sh*t for awhile. There will be good days and bad days. There will be good minutes and bad hours. <P>Your feelings are going to roam through, loneliness, anger, resentment, self-pity, self-worth, calmness and anxiety, love and hate: you get the whole enchilada!<P>Keep writing and reading your journal. Don't do anything rash. Find things to take your mind off the crisis: it's a danger to think too much about it. Identify the things that make you feel really bad, and stop doing them. See friends. Do some exercise.<P>For what it's worth, when my wife moved out I was a basket case; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work. I cried (yes, guys can do that, it's legal in most states). I started feeling better when I stopped calling my wife.<P>You got the right idea, look at the long term. In the meantime, take care of your self.<P>your friend,<BR>Kenneth<BR>

Thanks Kenneth,<BR>Just curious, is your wife living with you again? If so are you guys negotiating your differences? I think I may be in it for the long haul. Not only does my wife say she no longer loves me but she's leased her own apartment and now she's isolating her finances from me by opening up all new accounts in her name only. Call me stupid but I'm still taking care of her car. Yesterday the cv boot and axle went out and silly me volunteered to fix it. I guess love makes you do dumb things. If she wants independence I guess it's time she began to take care of her own things. Right?