Question for those getting divorce! <p>How do I know if I should change back to my maiden name? My attorney says it's easier to do it during the divorce.<p>As a Christian, I know this is not the same kind of END like a legal contract. H is not remarrying at this point and neither am I. God is still able to do a miracle in H's life and restore covenant. Maybe I need to keep the name to represent that faith? Maybe in God's eyes it is not really broken? Groups like Covenantkeepers would probably take that position, I suppose.<p>Yet it is an identity thing too... When there's been abuse, a fresh start with my old name is appealing. It would feel strange being called Mrs._________ publicly, since I am not living as H's wife with him. It would be weird being called Mrs. ________ if I get back into school teaching, etc. Yet, I am really not Miss Maiden name (denying that I've been married).<p>Is there any certain ettiquette about this?
Maybe if I keep the married name I use the title Ms., showing I'm not living as a Mrs. and not Miss??<p>Maybe it is practical to keep the married name while the kids are in the home, to be less confusing for them, classmates, and anyone who calls our home, etc. <p>Help!

I can speak to this one. <p>I did not change my last name at the time of the divorce. In my state, at the time of a divorce, you have two options - keep the name you used when married or go back to your previous name. I didn't really want to keep his name but I disliked my maiden name. (I had disliked it as far back as jr high school plus, as an adult, I had developed some real issues with my father's family - mostly his brothers and their emotional treatment of me.)<p>Therefore, my maiden name was not an option I liked.<p>From the time of the separation, I spent a lot of time wondering what to do with my last name. I knew that I would have to have a separate court order to change my name and it could not be part of my decree if I was to have a neutal name.<p>So, I waited till a friend who is an atorney offered to give me a great deal on a name change - barely over cost - just before my x married again.<p>I debated between my mother's maiden name and my son, father, and grandfather's middle name. My mother expressed a preference that I not use her maiden name lest anyone think I am illegitimate. So that middle name won out.<p>By properly registering my new name with the vital records office of our state's Health dept., I have a new name on my birth certificate. Though I have married and divorced, my maiden name is the name I chose at the ripe old age of [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] . So, my new name constitutes my maiden name. Leaving me related to no one with my last name though I am the oldest living descendent of my grandfather. I guess that means I became a matriarch at the age of 37.<p>So, what you need to do is decide how important it is to do this for your own healing. And you need to be prepared to sometimes answer to either name. My children's friends call me, Mrs. Formername. I have recently changed jobs so that helped - in a new job you get to start over. People are acclimating. <p>My son was ok with it all along. My daughter was mad at me for a few days. Then she realized that I was the same old me. I reassured her that it had nothing to do with her. That her dad didn't need two women with his last name. I had sort of prepared them by telling them that a name is merely a label to designated which person you are - it does not define you - it identifies you but it is not your personal identity. That you are you no matter what your name. And any adult has the right to change their name within certain limits.<p>Think long and hard about it. And make the choice that promotes your healing. And if the name change is right for you, prep your children. And be prepared to answer to whatever people call you - personally, I prefer to be called by my first name. I love that name and feel that it is most accurate in labeling me.<p>Call me Jane-Elise!!!

I have and continue to struggle with this. I would really like to lose my married name. His new wife (OW) took it and she can have it. But I have three small children who all have my married name, and I don't want to lose that tie with them. I know it is just a name, but it is a name that ties the four of us together. What I am doing now is just using Krista (maiden name) (married name) so that if I do eventually change back to my maiden name, people and businesses will be somewhat familiar with it. I think as long as the kids are at home, I will probably keep it. I like myself no matter what my name is, but if it were just me, I'd definitely have gone back to my maiden name. I don't want my ex thinking I am unable to accept the fact that I am no longer married to him. Good luck - this is a tricky one!<p>WhoamInow (Krista)

Thank you so much for sharing your considerations!! It helps me think through what I want to do! I guess there is no RIGHT answer, one size fits all on this matter, huh??! <p>I was leaning toward going back to my maiden name, to disassociate with H and have a new sense of who I am. Also I am so blessed with great relatives and memories with them. I have felt so distanced from them since this "marriage"...you know, how the Abuser isolates you from friends and family. Yet I know, regardless of my name, I am from that familyline and am proud of it!<p>But now, just before I came here and found your post, Krista, I was thinking more like you!! Just reading your post, confirms in me--this position is ok!! I feel, more than my connection to my relatives, my greatest commitment is with "my family"...the girls and I. And I want them to feel a sense of family for the next 6 years that we really haven't had due to the way H has handled so many things. I want the girls and I to pull in close!! I think at this stage, keeping the same name is one small way of helping us feel we are still together and unified as family, inspite of the tragedy of divorce. Looking at it from their eyes, maybe it is hard enough seeing Dad leave, without also Mom "leaving" them by associating with her relatives, and leaving the girls in the middle alone. Well, this is what I'm thinking today!
Down the road, after the girls are on their own & married, perhaps I might get a name change.

ok, I'm probably in teh vast minority here but when I divorced, I DID take my maiden name back--three kids notwithstanding. I don't think my name has anything to do with them...they all call me 'mom'. AND if you remarry, you will take your new husband's name and won't that be the same? I felt like I truly could no longer carry my oogie x's last name in good conscience.<p>Ya know, women in other countries don't always take their husband's names but the children get the father's last name. Example-Katerina Gordeeva's daughter with Sergei Grinkov is Daria Grinkova. My x's last name is 'abc' and his mother's last name 'zyx' because Arab women don't always take the husband's name either.<p>So, comes down to what you feel you have to do. I wanted my identity back and my dad's name.

The man I am currently seeing knew me before the name change. He knows that this was something I did just for me. And his opinion is that, should I ever marry again, I should keep my chosen name. Because it is an identity I chose for myself. <p>What will I do if I should ever marry again remains to be seen. How many names do you want living in one household? How many times should children have to adjust to a new name for one of their parents? How would my children feel about it? If he had children, how would they feel about it? All of those factors would have to be taken into consideration.<p>There was a fairly prominent woman in my town who was often on the radio. I noticed that she went from being B----- L----- to being B----- B---- L-----. A while later she went to B----- B-----. So, her choice was to phase in that new name on the media. I doubt many people now remember her by the L----- name.<p>My next door neighbor told me yesterday that she and her husband are divorcing. She is presently keeping her stbx's last name primarily for business purposes. She has so many contacts that know her by that name and she doesn't want to reeducate them or explain it all. Don't blame her.<p>I will say it has been difficult reeducating some people. <p>One couple at church had an interesting view on it when I changed my name. They have the same last name as the one I chose. When the wife told her husband about it, he said, "Good for her. He was a jerk anyway."

I'm glad to hear all these perspectives because I hadn't really thought about it. When I married I legally changed my name from first middle maiden to first maiden married and use that for business. it's long and drives people crazy, but now I'm really happy to have done it. And my maiden name isn't the best either.
Thinking abour remarriage, I'm so not anywhere near that thought.

I too have thought of this often. My maiden name is very long, but believe that I will go back to it. I have a 17yo and 11yo still at home, so may have some confusion for a few years. My kids friends all call me Dawn and I am known by my first name then by Mrs. 12345.<p>I wanted to hang a welcome sign up when we first moved but didn't know quite what to put on it. did come up with this thought "12345 Kids and Mom" My kids thought it was pretty goofy so didn't do it.<p>Dawn

I suppose, if you have 3 last names in a household, that a lot of things would be sticky.<p>Discussing it with the man I'm seeing would not have normally occurred early on except that he knew me when I was in the struggle over the change. And heard about the bizarre rapidity of the change once the ball started rolling - less than 10 days from do it till done and, actually, less than 48 hours from the time the attorney realized I was serious until it was over with. Talk about suddenly making a committment!!! And this man knows I didn't make the decision lightly and that it was done solely for myself.<p>But, now, I don't know if I would want a man who felt adamantly that I needed to use his name. I rather like the idea of retaining the identity I have built for myself although I could be Mrs. Hisname for joint purposes. But I haven't reached the point where I have to make a decision on that matter.

This would be something that I would talk with the kids about. You took his name with the understanding that you are a couple under Gods eyes. Since you are not a couple now, explain to the kids, that this name was given to you by marriage, would they be upset if you went to another name. I would feel the same as you, why keep the name of the one you love and they take off and give it to another. Why be the Mrs. X and then he gets another woman and she has the same last name. <p>Your H doesn't probably care one way or the other, you are out of the picture once the papers are signed. They will be there for get togethers and such, but nothing else. I personally would go to someone that you really admire in your family, and pick their middle name, or a name you like. <p>We had a school teacher in our district, who divorced and didn't want her maiden name. She always liked Austin, Texas. She said she was there many times, and loved it. She changed her last name to Austin for that simple reason. She just passed away last year with cancer. But she was Ms. Austin for quite a few years. This made her happy and was proud of her last name. <p>Just try to be proud of your last name, for whatever the name should be. I have thought about this in the last few months, and I think I know what I will do, but not 100% sure.<p>Divorce is so hard, and the man doesn't see that something like your last name is a big concern for the woman. <p>Also, if you were to marry later, you don't have to take the mans last name. It is something that I would do, cause I am devoting my body, heart and soul to this man. But for me, marriage will never happen again, I cannot trust any man anymore. I thought I could trust my WH, but that was proven wrong.

Dawn, I think the 'kids and mom' is very cool and sweet on your part.<p>I also have to disagree with thinker here... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Also, if you were to marry later, you don't have to take the mans last name. It is something that I would do, cause I am devoting my body, heart and soul to this man. <hr></blockquote>I love my husband with all that and I do not feel compelled to adopt his name and fortunately, he doesn't have any archaic hang ups about it. Jeez, a name is just a label, people, it doesn't have any significance other than telling one person apart from another.<p>As for confusion with 3 names in the house---we have three here-my maiden, h's, and d's from x---since we can all read and pass out mail based on that skill, we cope well enough. I still say each person should do what she feels right with and for me, it WOULD NOT be keeping my disgusting x's name attached to me.

cinderella:<p>
So, I waited till a friend who is an atorney offered to give me a great deal on a name change - barely over cost - just before my x married again.<p>
By properly registering my new name with the vital records office of our state's Health dept., I have a new name on my birth certificate. Though I have married and divorced, my maiden name is the name I chose at the ripe old age of [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] . So, my new name constitutes my maiden name. Leaving me related to no one with my last name though I am the oldest living descendent of my grandfather. I guess that means I became a matriarch at the age of 37.<p>ACK!!! As a genealogist this would be a nightmare..so if you know of anyone in your family
who does works on family history..make sure you get with them to make the references..so that in the years to come when gggrandkids are working on a family tree they know where to find you and all your family [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and know who your parents are and so forth.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, I agree if you can choose your own name..then go for it..I personally choose to keep my ex's name for my kids sake for right now..well..that and I really don't want to go through all the hassle of changing all my dr. lic., SS card, credit cards and all that garbage..<p>If I ever get remarried..I guess I'd have to think about if I'd want to change the name again..hmmmm
heck a friend of mine changed his last name as an adult..I guess if I really wanted to if I ever decided to get remarried..I could suggest that we both find a last name we can agree on and both of us legally change our names to that...hmmmmm

I already thought that I could wait till I find a man who would change his last name and we could pick out a neutral name. I doubt that would ever happen.<p>I'm not really hung up on the last name. I know it will be a nightmare for geneological purposes. I hyphenated the first and middle names given to me at birth to form my legal first name. I used the yucky original maiden name as my new middle name and the new last name has strong family ties - middle name of paternal grandfather, father, and son, first name of nephew. It makes sense.

Cinderella,<p>I still think it's pretty neat that you chose a name you like..<p>I'd often thought of changing mine to my greatgrandmothers maiden name..but then thought
it would be to confusing for everyone..she had 12 brothers and sisters..and a lot of the men had only daughters, and their sons had daughters..so the family line is about dead as far as that goes..so it would be like starting the name again..but It would be to complicated in change everything over..so I never did..

TR - Really it's not that complicated to change everything. A form letter of your own asking them to change the name on appropriate accounts and a photocopy of the court order is all you need. Except for a couple of things - like my driver's license and social security card - where they wanted to see the original order and then make their own copy. <p>It's not been that hard.<p>Go!! do it for yourself.

When I divorced I went back to my maiden name right away since it cost nothing at the time of the divorce. My little girl just knew I had a different name than her. I figured that I would remarry and I would take my husbands name and my daughters name would still be her dads last name. The main thing is that she keeps her name until she marries ages from now. She has told me that she is glad her name is still the same.

Hi,<p>I'm one who can care less what my last name is. It was more comfortable for my two little guys for me to stay with the same name they have, so be it. I think as far as etiquette goes, you always retain your former title, whether it's Mrs. or whether it's President. President Reagan isn't still president, but he retains the title anyway. The difference, if you retain your married name, is that you aren't Mrs. [censored] Jones anymore. You are Mrs. Kathy Jones now (ficticious name, ok). Now I don't exactly know if you are still Mrs. if you take back your maiden name, altho I tend to think so since it's a title.<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

um, actually Ronald Reagan is FORMER President Regan. George Bush is president now. I believe Reagan's correct social title would be "Mr."

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by diddallas:
<strong>I believe Reagan's correct social title would be "Mr."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>um!!! Excuse me.... Just as a point, actually the correct social title for him is President Reagan atleast from a militaristic point of view.<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</p>