I'm new & I need some input. Together for 8 years, married 4 and separated for 6 months. Our last year and a half of our marriage was terrible. He continuously cursed at me which caused for a major drift and total disrespect between both. It escalated to physical encounters and eventually I had an affair. One last major physical incident pushed me over the edge and I asked for a separation.
I've been soul searching for years, even when I thought I was happily married. When I asked for the separation I didn't want a divorce, just space to figure out what the hell was I doing.....in a marriage I didn't believe in and in an affair that was going nowhere. I flipped out!
We separated and I eventually got over the anger. I still see the OM once in a while, still not going anywhere. I go to counselling and have tried for the last 6 months to convince my H to go to counselling, to spend time and see if there is something to be worked out. He does not believe in counselling, believes he doesn't need it and refuses to go. We've talked but we end up having the same argument and discussion over and over again without moving on or dealing fully with anyone of our issues in a civil way. We argue, yell and hang up on eachother all the time. I'm aware we need assistance in basic communication skills, but he won't participate. I've run out of options and I'm running out of patience...there's only so much more rejection I can take.
He wants me to confess my affair and I won't because I feel that only gives him validation to ignore our issues of disrespect and verbal abuse. I feel we would be exactly where we are even if I had not had an affair. I feel that as usual he is pawning off his responsibility to deal with everything.....he's even said I caused for him to curse at me and that I deserved it and to get over it.
I never intended to get a divorce, but I am very clear that I will not live in that kind of environment!
I do not understand how he can just walk away and not give counselling a chance. I am having a very hard time dealing with the possibility that I maybe divorcing and never have had the opportunity to even try counselling.
Any ideas?

Unfortunately we cannot force our partner into counseling if he/she doesn't want it. You must simply state your position to him that you are unhappy with the marriage as it currently exists and he must go to counseling with the intention of finding common ground if you have any chance of remaining together. His refusing to go is a clear statement that he is not interested in saving the marriage, only in preserving his autonomy. In the latter case your next step is clear -- file for divorce. That will have one of two effects -- either he will change his mind about counseling or he won't. If he still refuses counseling, proceed with the divorce and make a new life for yourself. There's no point in staying married to someone who refuses to meet you half-way. That's not a marriage, it's a dictatorship. Hope that helps.

My wife and I went through some problems that I didn't realise were "big problems". Without coming to me she eventually confided in someone else which started her affair. I am trying to save our marriage... she is not. What I am getting at is that my wife never sat me down and told her the things that made her unhappy. I never dreamed we would be where we are today. We had a very good marriage or so I thought. What you need to do is sit down together and be civil and go through all the things that make each of you unhappy. Even right it down on paper and send it to each other. I have been married and together about the same amount as both of you. Don't throw it away... sit down and open up to him. If my wife did this we would never be where we are today.<p>We are still together in the same house... I love her just being here. I don't have anything against her... I just think she is making a bad decision regarding us... but I told her if she loves this person I will let her go.<p>Please let me know and I and maybe we could help each other more emailing. <p>Thanks<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Mr Hurt,
Thanks for sharing! Please look at my response in the emotional needs under I need your input. I posted a long long message this morning..let me know what you think.
I'm sorry about what's going on with you.....it blows me away to see SO mnay other peope going through this! It's not fair!!!!
A big hug & let's see how we can help eachother. Hang in there!