I'm new & I need some input. Together for 8 years, married 4 and separated for 6 months. Our last year and a half of our marriage was terrible. He continuously cursed at me which caused for a major drift and total disrespect between both. It escalated to physical encounters and eventually I had an affair. One last major physical incident pushed me over the edge and I asked for a separation.
I've been soul searching for years, even when I thought I was happily married. When I asked for the separation I didn't want a divorce, just space to figure out what the hell was I doing.....in a marriage I didn't believe in and in an affair that was going nowhere. I flipped out!
We separated and I eventually got over the anger. I still see the OM once in a while, still not going anywhere. I go to counselling and have tried for the last 6 months to convince my H to go to counselling, to spend time and see if there is something to be worked out. He does not believe in counselling, believes he doesn't need it and refuses to go. We've talked but we end up having the same argument and discussion over and over again without moving on or dealing fully with anyone of our issues in a civil way. We argue, yell and hang up on eachother all the time. I'm aware we need assistance in basic communication skills, but he won't participate. I've run out of options and I'm running out of patience...there's only so much more rejection I can take.
He wants me to confess my affair and I won't because I feel that only gives him validation to ignore our issues of disrespect and verbal abuse. I feel we would be exactly where we are even if I had not had an affair. I feel that as usual he is pawning off his responsibility to deal with everything.....he's even said I caused for him to curse at me and that I deserved it and to get over it.
I never intended to get a divorce, but I am very clear that I will not live in that kind of environment!
I do not understand how he can just walk away and not give counselling a chance. I am having a very hard time dealing with the possibility that I maybe divorcing and never have had the opportunity to even try counselling.
Any ideas?

yep, either confess your affair, and take your punishment, you do want him to be a responsible adult, so you must also be one, or else you are just being rather one way about life,<p>or get a divorce, if you have no kids, get one now. . . then start learning about yourself, how to be a good partner, and work on being a good person making smart decisions. . . . .<p>honesty is the only policy, anything else is total disrespect for yourself and for him. . . <p>wiftty

You are right that there are issues of abuse in your marriage that probably fall squarely on your H's shoulders, but that is not to say that you are totally blameless either. So what did you do to help solve the problems in your marriage? you had an affair.<p>"I still see the OM once in a while, still not going anywhere. I go to counselling and have tried for the last 6 months to convince my H to go to counselling, to spend time and see if there is something to be worked out."<p>Your going to counseling which is commendable but what good is it if you are still seeing OM and complain that your A with OM it is going nowhere?. Why would your H want counseling while your still seeing OM?.<p>Why do you want your H to be married to you if your are still seeing the OM?<p>"I feel we would be exactly where we are even if I had not had an affair..."<p>You are probably right about this but your A worsened the precaurious situation that your M was already in.<p>You make your A sound like it's no big deal. Well I hate to tell you this but your A is the ultimate betrayal of your marital vows. <p>"I do not understand how he can just walk away and not give counselling a chance. I am having a very hard time dealing with the possibility that I maybe divorcing and never have had the opportunity to even try counselling."<p>Because he does not want to be in a M where his wife is still cheating on him. Would you like to be marrried to your H if he was still seeing his OW? I think you know the answer to that one.<p>Any ideas?<p>Yeah, end your A and tell OM you want no contact with him forever and confess your A to your H. Only then can you M have any chance to recover.<p>Otherwise prepare yourself to be divorced.<p>Joe<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Have you at least come clean about your A with your counselor?<p>If you have, what does she/he told you about what you should do?<p>If you haven't, why are you holding this valuable piece of information from her/him?<p>Joe

From my last counselor, I learned that they like to deal with the pressing issues first then work their way to the background issues. I'd say dealing with the affair and the marriage are critical. <p>I agree, why would your husband want to work on a marriage to a woman who is cheating on him, won't cut off contact with the other man, and won't admit to her responsibility for her current contributions to the situation.<p>Until, you are ready to look into the mirror and see what you are contributing to the situation, you have precious little room to complain about his contributions. (You do have the right, however, to keep yourself safe.)