Well, here I am once again posting to the board. My situation is my husband, his past, his grandmother just passed away...all this stuff and it is really coming down on our relationship. His EX came into his life a few months ago, and since then our lives have been in an uproar. He keeps telling me that it isn't me, that it is him. He needs to find answers for himself, and in the mean time, my 2 boys and I are here and I am wondering our future. I have so many married friends who keep telling me to "work it out" "Stand by him" I just don't know what to do. My family on the other hand keeps telling me to leave...that this is the 2nd time that he has done this to me and he will do it again. He is dealing with a lot, we were separated due to the military for a total of 8 months. It is really tough to get back into the swing of things but he keeps telling me that I have done nothing wrong and that it is all him. He has already made it clear to me that he is going to seek counseling. He is going to do what he can for himself to figure out what is going on with him before he can figure us out. I just don't know if it is my family telling me. I do want to stay here and fight for my marriage. But I am afraid I guess. Afraid that I will be fighting for nothing. I don't know what to do. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sorry for your situation. When you say his ex has come back, I am assuming he is romantically involved with her although you did not come out and say so. And that he has done this before (with same person?). A spouse who seeks affection elsewhere is looking for someone to fill up a void in his life, one he may not be able to put into words. Counseling is definitely wise and you should go with him -- find out what is making him feel so needy. He may be right in saying it's not you, but it definitely involves you. Something is missing between the two of you and you need to identify that something if the marriage is to be saved. It sounds like you want to save it, so until you've given it your very best effort, don't give up. Regret is built far more on the things we failed to do than upon the things we attempted and failed. If it doesn't work out, only knowing you did your best will save you from carrying away a load of guilt along with your grief. Good luck.

What I mean by he has done this before, is that he has once had "issues" on weather or not he wants to be married. The first time was just 2 years after marriage, he was unhappy, said he wanted a divorce. After a 3 month separation and waiting for him to file, I finally did it. 2 days before he was to be served, he showed up on my front door begging for a second chance.<p>Now, we have just gong through a lot in the past year. He was away from Feb 2001-June 2001 overseas, and then left in Sept 2001 returned home March 2002 for Operation Enduring Freedom. In Jan, my 2 son's and I met him in California because his Granmother was terminally ill. We were all together for 2 weeks and everything was fantastic. In the time that we all were together in California, he had gotten and email from his EX from 10 years ago. They were serious, then she became pregnant with his child, but chose an abortion. He left her 2 months later to "Start New" and never really broke it off with her. Now she has come into his life again and everything is in a uproar. He has these feelings he can't explain, he is contemplating wheather or now we will work out. He said he wants to try, but doesn't think that we will make it. We did go to one counsleing session, but now he wants to go by himself because he keeps saying that it isn't me and the marriage, but him. He needs to work stuff out on his own. Now I am just really angry again, sad, upset. I want to stand by his side, but don't know if I can do it. I too am in counseling by myself. I would prefer that we do go together, but he said he wants to go by himself. My T thought that this would be the best for us right now. I just don't know. I don't want this ending in D but, I am scared, confused, and thinking to myself, how the heck can he do this to me again? Can I forgive him a second time only to be scared that he will do it again another 6 years down the road? I had a mental break down, I was at the hospital, they put him on Zoloft and Ambien. I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I do'nt know if I am mentaly able to go through this!

I can understand why you are scared. Trusting your H seems to be a losing proposition. He seems to have some deep personal problems that have nothing to do with you. Keep going to counseling and do anything else you can think of to find emotional support for yourself such as keeping in touch with family and friends. You need people to talk to and help you. You might look into a divorce support group. Make yourself strong and independent. Unless your H has a personality change, chances are you are going to end up having to rely on yourself alone. He does not appear capable of committing to the marriage. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Make them and yourself your first priorities and try to divorce yourself emotionally from your H. If he gets his act together, great, but don't count on it. I know this is easier said than done, but you must do it if you and your children are to get through this intact. Good luck.

Well, today after a long talk, he is still undecided about what to do....BUT, he is going to go to counseling to try to figure out what it is that he is going through. Dealing w/ the death of his Grandmother, trying to adjust to being home after being deployed in Operation Enduring Freedom for 8 months, and the issues with his past that he doesn't understand (EX girlfriend comes back into his life...) He told me numerous times that it isn't me, although I am too in this marriage and feel that isn't the case. I fear that I may lose him, and I asked him if he felt the same thing, and he said, "Not Scared, but Saddened at the thought of loosing you." ??????? Not really sure how to take it. I can't sleep, eat, function. I haven't seen my therapist in 6 days and in those 6 days, I feel like I have gone crazy! I want so bad to stick it out with him. But am afraid that it will all be for nothing. But I just can't seem to understand. I want to move past this, but how can we? I mean, can I forgive him? That is why I am going to counseling on my own too. To figure out if this is really worth a fight, or if I should just walk away. I just don't know. Part of me wants to stay and fight...fight for my marriage for myself, my H and our boys. But part of me wants to just walk away. "How could he keep doing this to me?" I know that I will be the only one to find the answeres, but still, I am so torn at what to do. Everytime I talk to him, we talk and carry on like nothing. But how much longer can I pretend that things are fine? When he returns from his Emergancy trip, how am I supposed to act? Loving and welcoming? I don't know if I can do that. The thought of him turing me away...I don't know if I can just put my arms around him and welcome him home if he is going to hurt me.