As you may know my wife is having an affair and has since about Oct. '01. I found out about it around the end of Jan. '02 but has suspected it for quite some time. She then went on to say she loves me but is not in love with me. She has gone out of town and spent time with this person and then came home and said she wants a divorce. She never ever files for one. We still live together, yet she sleeps in the spare room. She treats me pretty good considering she wants a divorce... she then went on a weekend jaunt with the guy.... and everything was the same. She hugs me sometimes and the odd kiss... no sex of course. Now she left on Thurs. am on a business trip where this guy lives and said she wasn't going to be unfaithful etc... I find out she went there 3 days before she was supposed to. I feel deep down she still loves me but I don't get it... am I supposed to let her keep going until she decides who she loves or what? I have been trying plan A but it probably won't work if she is spending time with this person.<p>This has been going on for months.. is she confused? Why doesn't she just get a divorce? I tell her not to make decisions until her mind is clear and she said maybe once she gets back her mind will be clear. I love her and am crazy about her and will forgive her. I am starting to think that I am an idiot for putting up with this but I guess this is what love is all about... enduring.<p>Thanks for your help.

Hi,<p>Well... how has your Plan A been coming along?<p>Sounds like you're in a really awkward and icky place in your marriage right now. But this is the perfect time to impliment a Plan A BIG TIME !<p>I don't know your whole story, but the fact that she hasn't filed is a GOOD THING, as is her still being in the house. There's HOPE.<p>What she's thinking... hmmm... something probably like this: "Mr. Hurt sure is a nice guy, and I love him, but I'm not 'in love with' him. I am sooooo in love with Mr. [censored] now. He's so romantic and loves me for ME. I feel alive! I wonder if this is what marriage is suppose to be? Am I suppose to just exist, or be HAPPY?"<p>So there's what I think is a thumbnail sketch of what she's thinking. I was there, so I know.<p>How old is your wife? Is it possible she's doing the mid-life crisis thing? That's what I did.

New beginning...<p>My wife is 31. A little young for a midlife crisis. I feel she still loves me for some reason. Maybe I am wrong, but I want to believe she does. Why would she still be here? Why am I still here? LOVE. We get along great.. she is just not there for me emotionally. I feel deep down we will make it. I don't think she realised how much I loved her. I don't think I realised how much I loved her until now.<p>What do you mean do plan A big time? I worried that while she is away on business in the same town as the OM she will forget all about me if I don't let her know how much I love her?

Do me a favor and read the link below "General Welcome for all new builders" and pay particular attention to Plan A.<p>So often around here, because of the pain of a newly discovered affair, people jump right in wanting support (which is what this board is all about) without really digging into the concepts. Plan A is an AWESOME way to win back your spouse DURING an affair.<p>Please, please take the time to read about it!

Sheryl<p>I have read plan A many times but if she doesn't separate herself from the other man how does it work? We still live together and get along pretty good regarding the situation. I just don't get it.<p>HELP???

Hi again,<p>If you've read about Plan A you know that it is most often done DURING the affair. It is NOT about changing HER, it is about making YOURSELF the best man you can be, and making your marriage a safe place for her to return (emotionally). <p>Many members here have used the Harley's to navigate this very difficult road, and the things you're asking are exactly the reason why. From a strictly human standpoint, it goes against everything your gut tells you. Maybe a call to the Harley's would help?? Use the counseling link above to find the prices and number for them.<p>I have been around here for a long time, and all I can tell you is that the chance of your marriage being healed without your doing some kind of specific plan are pretty small. With a plan, and especially Plan A with the Harley's as your counselors, you have a MUCH BETTER chance of not only a HEALED MARRIAGE, but a THRIVING ONE.<p>Best wishes to you...

Sheryl<p>So I don't call her, only when she asks... act happy go lucky and all that and hope she has a change of heart.

Is that how you read Plan A?<p>Let me get some postings about it in particular. Be right back, and I will post some links for you to read REAL stories of those who have been successful.

Begin with this -- read it FULLY!<p>I will come back and add links as we go along...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007757<p>Okay, here's what I decided: Go here, to our Notable Posts section... about 1/3 of the way down is a whole section on REAL LIFE concerns and questions regarding Plan A.<p>I sense your frustration, and I have shared it myself. BELIEVE ME! <p>I will try to get some others over here to post to you too... <p>Hang in there!<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

Welcome Mr. Hurt...<p>Sheryl was kind enough to direct me to your post..
...she is right...
...some more specific links and reading must be done!<p>Besides the post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>Do read...
Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 201<p>You may be wondering why I'm including the links on Plan B...
...because... you must be realistic in understanding that you might not be able to save your marriage!!!<p>There are no guarantees!
Not here... not at Divorce Busters... not anywhere!<p>But by working on Plan A...
...and when you've grapsed the concepts...
...informing your W (at the right time) in clear and unequivocal statements that "contrary to popular belief"... your tradition husbandly love for her WILL drain away!...<p>Don't put this on her right away...
Do the Plan A kind of Plan A!...
...and do a "good"... "true" kind for as long as you can!<p>I've done the Plan A... ~16 months
I've done the Plan B... for 2 months before my divorce...
...and I continue with Plan B...<p>Notice... I am divorced now...
...and Plan A with Plan B got me through this time.<p>I can, if I ever get into a new marital relationship... reapply what I've learned in Plan A... to make a marriage the kind it should be!<p>Think longterm...
...act short term... do short term...
...learn short term... Plan A-ing...
If your W pushes for a separation or divorce still... Plan A will at some time come to an end... and then you'll need more on Plan B!<p>But for (at least a few more months)... Plan A-ing! Like Sheryl says... it's your you... first and foremost!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Mr Hurt - please allow me to add just a bit to the expert advice you've gotten from Sheryl and Jim.<p>The major premise of Plan A and Plan B, as I understand them, is that there is NOTHING you can do to separate the affairees. This can only happen by their own choosing - at least one of them. Because of this constraint on you, you are left with only changing what you have control over - YOU!<p>Along with this is the given fact that you very likely contributed to the environment that made her affair possible. You DID NOT cause the affair - only she and OM made that decision - but you can fix your contribution.<p>The second "fact" is that the affair will very likely burn out. How long this takes to occur cannot be predicted, but the track record of these things overwhelmingly shows that they won't last.
So, this leaves you with time to straighten out your contributions to the poor marital environment while the fireworks fizzle. In the end, a good Plan A produces a safe harbor for your spouse to return to after LaLa land loses its luster.<p>Good luck,
WAT

Thank you WAT this is all starting to make sense, I think.

Mr. Hurt -- I'm fairly new here, but I would only add that I strongly suggest you set up a phone counseling session with Jennifer or Steve. It seems a bit expensive, but it was worth it for me because even though this board is GREAT support and insight, everyone's situation is a bit different. Mine is a bit like yours where WH is still seeing OW -- although not as blatant as going away for weekends. Jennifer had some specific suggestions for my situation and I will probably be moving to plan B earlier rather than later if this behavior continues. Everyone's situation is unique -- although certainly many things are the same for all of us. <p>If you can even afford two sessions of phone counseling I would strongly suggest it. It made me feel much more confident in my approach to all of this and I think will make it easier to stick with it. <p>I wish you the best of luck. There are many of us here going through the same kind of pain and frustration.