Grew Apart? OF course you grew apart. I never heard of OW and OC bringing you closer together.<p>Another good reply would be: It's sad, for everyone involved, me, the H, the kids... we were married 15 years. He has a 5 year old and 7 year old. Let people do their own math.<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

Gawd, I absolutely hate this ... I want another chance at life, starting at 25. <p>Maybe I'll do like Julia Roberts did in "Sleeping with the enemy", change my identity and move far away. New name, new me, never married ... nobody knows anything. Brand new start.<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Them: "You're D? May I ask what happened?"<p>Me: "Sure, my H was a serial cheater"<p> <hr></blockquote><p>This made me laugh. Yes, he was a cereal cheater. He liked Trix and Kix, Wheaties and Golden Grahams.<p>I dunno. This has been on my mind this am. What do you say? This morning I ran Chris over to the docs office. Ear infection again. One of the fellas from town said he heard I got divorced, what happened? <p>Chris and Amanda are sitting right there, and I felt really put on the spot. If I was completely honest and said that [censored] tries to screw anything that moves that would have been really nasty for the kids to hear. So of course I put myself down instead. Now I know that was stupid. But I didn't know what else to say. <p>My final analysis of this question is that it sucks. If I answer truthfully then it is bad for the kids, and makes him look like an @ss. It also makes me look mean and bitter. If I answer with an easy "because of the accident it is better for the kids" it makes me look like I dumped him because I didn't want damaged goods.<p>So, here is my conclusion. From now on I will tell anyone that asks that I will be happy to discuss it with them over a cup of coffee when the kids aren't around. That should weed people out a bit. And if someone is really interested, and cares about us, then I'll give them the whole story and maybe they'll have a cute cousin to set me up with.<p>If it is someone that I have just met, like at a party or something I will tell them that it is a very sad situation for everyone involved, and that I'm still trying to figure everything out myself.<p>Now, just remind me of this next time it happens.<p>Elizabeth

I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself today AGAIN. What they say is true, there's always someone out there with it worse.<p>For whatever reason, today I am having a really bad bad day. Feel like I could just smack my ex-H up-side-the-head if he was in ear's shot. How can he walk away and feel good about himself leaving me with all this emotional crap to deal with. Some days I just wish him ill. <p>Tying to feel better,
Jo

WAT:<p>I've never been shy about voicing my opinion, so yes, I'll tell you if I don't believe you! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey wait!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> there's always someone out there with it worse. <hr></blockquote><p>I always think you have it worse than I do! I don't have the whole OC thing to deal with, so you are the one I use for perspective. <p>Please tell me that you are more pathetic than I am! Please!<p>Love,
Elizabeth

How about a one-simple-word answer??<p>QQ: "Why did you get divorced?"<p>Answer:<p>"Infidelity."<p>"Betrayal."<p>"Unfaithfulness."<p>"Adultery."<p>"Addiction."<p>"Abuse."<p>"Abandonment."<p>Or, as in my case, three-simple-words:<p>"The Three A's." <p>Don't tell them what it means... They might feel quizzical and embarrassed to ask more; rightly so... This code acronym will politely give them the awareness that their question is sensitively personal and possibly none of their beeswax. It stands for Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction.<p> Or you could personalize it for yourself: Alcoholism, Affairs, Absenteeism, Awfulness, Aberrant, Abhorrent, Abominable, Absolute Dud, Absurd, Abysmal, Acedia (Lazy Sloth, one of the seven deadly sins), Acrimony, Adolescent, Agenesis (look it up), Alexithymic (unable to express feelings), Anarchy, Annihalation, Appalling, Arch-enemies, Argumentative, Arm-twisting, Arrogation, Arsenical, Artifice, Asexual, Asphyxia, Asininity, Assault, Autistic, Avarice...<p>Or my FAVORITE:....... Adumbration (a vague or shadowy account of something; to shade the truth; Lying Clintonesque Style)... A Pathological Liar!<p>Why did you get a divorce?........ "Adumbration!"
___________<p>Simple Vague Answers:<p>"He is not well. He is sick and getting treatment."<p>"She isn't well. She's getting the help she needs. Thanks for asking."<p>"Very sad. Very sad."<p>"I wish he would come home. Thanks for being his friend."<p>Truthful Nasty Vengeful Rebuffs:<p>"I tried everything. Do they still do exorcisms at the Vatican?"<p>"That's strikes a sensitive pubic nerve."<p>"I'm not comfortable talking about his predatory pederastic sexual addiction."<p>"Thanks for helping shield the children from overhearing that their father is maggot food..."<p>"Personal and Confidential, like his fraudulent tax return."<p>"It's still too painful to talk about nicely."

"MYOB!"<p>Sincere and Polite Non-Answers:<p>"Thanks for asking...Please, Pray for us. Thanks for asking, we could really use your prayers...
Thank you so much for your prayers... Thank you so much for your concern... Thank you so much for all your love ... I'm glad you asked, it's nice to know so many people care about struggling families... It's good to know so many people care about families suffering through a crisis... I never knew I had so many good friends... I'm really thankful to have had so much support during our family crisis.... Oh, I really appreciate all the support showered on us over these difficult months..."<p>Good luck<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

Ohhhh Caca, guess I'm the most pathetic story on here.<p>You're right ... I give ... Uncle ... sucks to be me. <p>Do the rest of you guys use my story as the worse-case yard stick to measure by??? Does my story make you feel better about yours?<p>So my story has single handedly Lowered the BAR for the All Time Worse Storys? Fine!<p>Ughhhhh!<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

okok.... I've been avoiding this thread... not sure why. But, here I am. I've enjoyed some of these answers, and the "rude" theory is not something I had thought of, but you're right. I would have never thought to ask people WHY they were divorced, unless we became close friends - and even THEN it's iffy to bring it up. It's WAYYYY too easy to treat someone that's divorced like they have a disease or something - you're not sure what to say.<p>I haven't been asked this very much yet. People close to me pretty much know what's been going on for 10 months now. <p>I suppose my answer would depend on who's asking. <p>THe first time someone asked me, he joked and said, "what did you boot him out for?" NOT really funny, ya know? I was speechless, and had a deer-in-headlights look on my face. I realized at that point, I needed to come up with some answers for the next "bozo" that asked.<p>The svc manager working on my car the other day... I mentioned to him that I don't have a husband anymore, so I depended on them to keep my car running smooth [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . He said, oh, that sounds like a recent event. I sort of chuckled and said, "yeah, I fired him [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ". He sorta chuckled too - I guess it broke the tension for me to make a joke. Then I said, "actually, HE fired ME, but I like to tell people I fired HIM [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] "<p>I felt pretty good about that answer. Plus, it sorta gives the message that "I don't really wanna talk about it."<p>Other times I've simply said that "he sorta lost his mind, and decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He thinks he found something better. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] "

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Ughhhhh!<p> <hr></blockquote><p>I feel much better now.<p>OK folks, I know I am pathetic, it isn't like I am walking around without a clue here. Here's me, wheeling [censored] into the divorce court, putting him in a home and giving guardianship of him to the county. Maybe the reason I stick around here is to make sure that I am not the only gal stuck in a $hitty situation. So just let me feel sorry for you folks and try and ignore my own situation. <p>It's just easier that way.<p>Love,
Elizabeth

"Do you want to know why he says he wants a divorce or do you want to know what really happened?"<p>I've used that a time or two. <p>But, now, down the road a bit, I get chuckles with the line about "He fired me."<p>I also get chuckles with the line about management restructuring.

What a great thread (not) well, kinda...<p>Gotta be prepared, doncha know... So, shall we vote? hmm, I guess each scenario requires a different answer.<p>I like the basic premise of avoiding the blame game... either self or other...<p>I like the "Oh, it's a long story and I'm happy to talk with you about this over a coffee sometime." but really, am I happy to do this?<p>Really, it's not something I'd want to be asked and yes, my H says, "Oh, it just didn't work out." He tells me it was a mistake in the first place... that was devastating, until recently when I heard a happily married couple laugh and say they have said that themselves a lot in their own marriage. So, what the heck...<p>Do we need to be technical?
Do we need to be emotional?
Do we need to demonstrate tolerance?
Should we be funny?<p>Maybe it's like a resume, and have a different answer for the different "kinds of jobs" or people who are asking - like the phases of people... from very distant (shouldn't be asking in the first place), to colleague (really want to portray things fairly), to friend (share it how you're feeling right IN THAT MOMENT!)... to who knows...<p>Anyway, I've already given this way too much thought and am going to bed. Nice thread though, it does help to be prepared... wouldn't want to be caught like the one poster who stared like a deer with headlights in their eyes... I can see myself doing that... or opening my mouth with some really bad response in the effort to make "light" of it... <p>My initial response was "it wasn't my idea..." but then realized that is pinnacle to the blame game. What you say about others says more about YOU then it does about the other. Hmm, I like that... might change my quote on this one. Okay, I've got to go to sleep now!<p>Ciao,
Nicole<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>

Resilient <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Gawd, I absolutely hate this ... I want another chance at life, starting at 25. <hr></blockquote><p>Me too, I also hate this, and I'm 28 not so far from 25, wish I was also younger... So I guess after divorce we all have 'the stigma' attached to us. Now that is something I've debated with a few people... that when you are 'divorced' there is a 'stigma', but if you'd lived with the guy for 8 years (or whatever) and then broke up - you would not have that same stigma. That sux! <p>Also 'It just wasn't working..' (after 20+ years), you can say '... anymore. People change...'. If pressed further ask them 'what makes you ask? Considering that route yourself?'<p>Anyways Resilient hope you are feeling better today...<p>Pantha

Well, I don't mind men I'm going to go out with, even if it's the first date, ask me "Why?" Mainly because I want to know why they did. The problem with me is I don't want to tell them the answer "Abuse", but I think I'll just tell them "I was fired" like Cinderella. The reason, I don't mind them asking is because I want to know before I get serious about a guy not after or during. I don't want to take a chance on falling for someone like the guy who says his wife was boring so she left.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

What is wrong with telling the truth? The only reason that this thread has gone on so long is that people keep trying to come up with good lies. The vast majority of divorces are due to infidelity, and almost everyone knows that. <p>And no, people do not change, their core beliefs do not change, unless they are suffering from mental illness. Even though I have plenty of evidence that being faithful and responsible gets you absolutely nowhere, I can not change my core belief that that is the right thing to do. I can not tell my kids that the way to get ahead in life is to take what you want and not worry about how it harms other people - even though I see every day that that is the case.

Nellie and I don't often agree, but one thing we ALWAYS agree upon is being honest.<p>I too don't understand why it's so hard to just tell the truth!<p>Listen folks, my ex cheated with a bunch of women, and in the end (year 18) I also cheated with a man I met at work. Wanna know what *I* say when asked?<p>I say something like this:<p>"We destroyed the marriage with infidelity" or "We effed up" or "We loved eachother, but you sure wouldn't know it the way we treated each other"... <p>Yeah, sometimes it's embarrassing if they ask more probing questions. But I answer truthfully.

nellie...What is wrong with telling the truth? The only reason that this thread has gone on so long is that people keep trying to come up with good lies. The vast majority of divorces are due to infidelity, and almost everyone knows that. <p>snl...That may be the precipitating event to the marital crisis, but I disagree is the reason for divorce. In fact if as the statisitics show, 60-80% of marriages involve an episode of infidelity (of some kind)...but that most infidelity does not lead to divorce.... yet we have 50%+ divorce rates, something does not add up. IMO people divorce cause one (or both) do not want to be married, and the reasons are complex...but essentially someone does not feel safe,nurtured,healthy,joyous and so leaves. There is no reason to live in a marital circumstance with someone, they were a stranger independent from you...you (and they) entered a psychological arrangement which either enhanced or diminished their well-being...if enhanced the urge is to stay/continue... if diminished the urge is to leave...many bs are left cause they are hazardous to the health of the ws (as well as to themself, especially needy/dependent bs). This may not be the optimum way of leaveing, but it is a tried and true method developed over millenia of human interactions. Frankly I think very few marriages end cuase of infidelity, it is too easy to recover if all it was was some stupid/ill-advised indiscretion....if the resulatant marital crisis and focus ends in divorce, it is most likely cause the marriage was not safe (for either one). <p>I too see no reason to lie, or misdirect ones answer to such a question. You can either in some polite manner say you prefer not to talk about it....or tell the truth, in as little or as much detail as one desires. The simplest true answer is I am divorced cause I filed for divorce....or cause my spouse filed for divorce...that is the fundamental answer, cause marriage is a legal contract and one party ended the contract. (the implication being that whoever filed no longer wanted to live in a marital circumstance).<p>If one wants to give more detail, then they should (if responsible) understand the psychological issues that led to divorce and give those in whatever detail they want... IMO glib answers like I was dumped for a better model, or I fired (or was fired), or whatever indicate a poor understanding of what marriage is, and probably is indicative (to some extent) that the speaker themself really never got it, and has instead chosen a path of bitterness, cynicsim, etc... and one has to ask (and maybe that is why people ask the question why are you divorce) is why would anyone want a relationship with someone who embraces bitterness, cynicsim, and woe is me attitudes about what live hands us. I think we are far more attracted to those who rise to lifes challenges in a piositive matter. Marriage is indeed a crucible, but in more ways than many realize methinks.

Hi All, (JTW, Voice, Faith, Cinder, OvrCs, Anna, SnL, Sheryl, Pantha, Nellie, Dino, Tx, Wiftty, Cat, RWD, O2B, Rose, Who, Lonesome, Starfish, WAT, Trapped Mom, ILuv, Dallas, Sing, LostH)<p>I'm feeling much better today. Can't account for why some days are so bad and some are not. Perhaps it's hormonal.<p>As far as a "reply" to the posted question: "Why are you Divorced", well I'm just gonna come up with some standard answers geared towards who's askin. But they will all be honest answers regardless if it tends to incriminate either myself or my ex-H.<p>Altho I really do like "I was fired". I also like all of Voice's "A" replys. <p>Best,
Jo

snl,<p>There is a great deal of evidence that in long terms marriages, where one party leaves for the OW, the WS is suffering from depression. I suppose one could say that the depression was the ultimate cause of the divorce, but the proximate cause was the infidelity. <p>My H, for example, told me after he left that I had always acted like I loved him. The day he announced that he wanted a divorce he said he had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months." He said that he couldn't separate his feelings about me from his feelings about our financial situation (he left for a financially well-off woman, and he hasn't worked for almost two years, since he was laid off less than a year after he left - he has told me that there is nothing he is qualified to do). He also admitted later that he had contemplated suicide, to the extent that he had planned the where and how. You are not going to convince me that his affair was a result of problems in the marriage - it was a result of his depression that began upon the murder of a young relative and worsened rapidly - and he is still suffering from depression.

Nellie1 -
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The only reason that this thread has gone on so long is that people keep trying to come up with good lies.<hr></blockquote><p>I don't think anyone is trying to come up with a lie. But most of us probably still feel like what we have been through is too painful and personal to share with everyone. That is why I have decided I will use the line 'Things just weren't working...' and if I like and trust that person one day I will be very open and honest about what went wrong in my marriage. But I don't feel this is something I want to share with everyone, not everyone is interested out of concern but sometimes for malicious reasons. In my work situation I was very open about what went wrong and I feel this was totally an inappropriate thing to have done. I'd rather be more careful and secretive until I feel safe enough to open up to someone, be that a same sex friend or a potential partner.