This is going to be kind of long….I hope some of you will be patient and read this and give me any thoughts that you may have.<p>I have been separated since August of last year and divorced since January of this year. Not officially separated, my xh walked out on me and our two children (1 & 5 at the time, now they are 2 & 6). All he said was that he was not happy. <p>I have really been thinking about everything in my life. I keep thinking back when we were dating. We had quite a few problems then, some of the same ones we had in our 8 year marriage. I can remember us breaking up at least two times while we were dating, we dated for 1 year, engaged for 1 year. The first month after we were married me and my xh got into an argument ( I can’t even remember what it was about) and he left and stayed with a friend of his. Of course, I was very upset and I called my parents. My mother told me this past week that she and my father had asked me to just come home. She said that I told her that I was married, that I was committed to a lifetime marriage and that I needed to solve whatever was wrong. I don’t remember saying this. Well, everything ended up okay but throughout our marriage we got into arguments but they always were about such stupid little things and I feel that these arguments eventually started tearing our marriage apart. My xh is a controller. I have finally seen this after he left. It took me 8 years to see this. Why????? He has always been a controller. in our dating relationship and then in our marriage. In the beginning of the marriage, any arguments we had I tried to communicate but it never failed, I was always to blame, he has a way of being able to turn any thing and everything to make me feel at fault. It got to the point that I quit saying anything when he wanted to argue. I couldn’t take the pain he caused by blaming me and the verbal abuse was constant, now I am realizing that the verbal abuse has been going on since before we were married. Later came the mental and emotional abuse. He made me feel like I was to blame for all of our problems then he would later turn around and say it wasn’t my fault. I never knew from one day to the next what kind of mood he was going to be in. The classic saying “walking on eggshells” was the environment in our home. Me and the children based are lives on his moods. My xh kept me from my family. He always made excuses about why we couldn’t visit, we needed our own traditions, they could come see us if they wanted us to visit so bad, and on and on. He always made nasty comments about my mother but then he said he didn’t hate her. I found out after he left that he has been making nasty comments to my parents, things I never knew about it. Some of them, really bad. Some of the things he has said to my parents really, really hurts. No wonder they didn’t want to visit us. They needed to feel safe in their own home. I can’t blame them. I didn’t even like the environment in my home but I was made to feel like this was normal and this was marriage and this was a lifetime commitment and that I needed to learn to adjust……and I was adjusting. <p>Throughout the marriage I always thought about our moments together and I always wished for more. I strived for more but didn’t get anything in return. He tells me that he did this also but I can’t see where he did. He would tell me that he tried this time or that time but I never felt there was a 100% effort and he always gave up so easily and of course it was my fault. When I was making an effort he would even comment that he could see my efforts but he just didn’t feel like responding to it. I admit that at the beginning of our marriage my efforts were not 100% but after I realized none of our problems would be solved without working on them, I gave all I had. Only mistake I made in the middle of our marriage was that I didn’t ask God to help me help our marriage. At the end of our marriage I did ask God to help me and I gave it all to him and now I am divorced. What happened? I still ask myself that everyday! I have really looked at my past and I am realizing that what I thought was cold feet the weeks or months before our wedding day was God talking to me. I really believe this. I feel like I got married without God’s blessing. I feel like I married the wrong person. I felt this way of and on throughout the marriage but I kept praying and trying to work it out because I wanted to honor my marriage vows. The only thing I feel that I got out of this marriage was my two children. They are my light in this dark world. Other than the children I feel like I wasted 8 years of my life being married to this man. This man changed me, my personality, without my permission. I am NOT the same person I was when I got married. I changed for all the wrong reasons…….not for me, only for him. I feel that he changed me. All of the verbal, mental and emotional abuse has made me into a very closed person. I have always been shy but never so closed as I am now. I feel like my xh just stepped on me until I couldn’t get up anymore. I found strength in God to make a 100% effort in the end of my marriage and to get through the separation and divorce and I still feel that strength now and it is wonderful. I have never had this type of strength before. I have gotten through something that I never imagined I could get through. <p>I am one of few that doesn’t want to reconcile. When I found out my xh was dating a friend of his from work a month after he left me and our children and we were still married I threw in the towel. I had finally opened my eyes and I saw the light. The peace and happiness I had found in just that month after he left was blinding but I had to have others help me see it. It still hurts very much that he has done this to me and our children but I know deep in my heart that for my sake and our children’s that this was for the best. Neither one of us was happy but I was willing to walk through fire to keep our marriage because it was a lifetime commitment. I even tried after he left but as soon as I found out about another woman that was it. I couldn’t take anymore pain and it was time for me to start healing myself and my children. My xh still to this day denies that anything was ever physical with this OW while he and I were together. He thinks that it was okay to do what he wanted when we were apart and still married. He told me that he didn’t feel married anymore and he could do what he wanted. He has been bringing this OW around our children since he left and low and behold they are getting married this summer. Of course, that hurt also. I feel as if he threw me aside and replaced me with someone else. All I know is that he is in very deep denial and that he needs help. He has so many issues from his past that he has never dealt with and I feel are the root of the problems in our
marriage. Of course, he says I am wrong but I can see so much more clearly now and my counselors agree also.<p>I have just been in the dumps these last couple of weeks. I can’t stop thinking about my xh and this OW and this OW being around my children. It all makes me sick. I hate that any of this has happened and I just keep praying that there is more for me and my children’s lives in the future. I have been extremely lonely lately but I have been keeping my emotions in check. Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream and I will wake up soon. That would be great but then I would be back to square one with all of the problems and everything. Don’t want to be there again. <p>Sorry this was so long………………..I have had so much on my mind lately, needed to get this out. I can never say that the peace my children and I have now wasn’t worth all of this. I hate that they had to go through this and are still going through this but I see them now and I remember them back then and I know it is best for them. <p>Thanks for your support,<p>Kathy

I can truly understand what it is you are experiencing. Being in an abusive relationship is not easy. I have been divorced nearly a year and I can honestly say, it was the best thing I could have done. What people realize that being married to an abuser is not a marriage; it is more like being an indentured servant. I waited 16 years before I finally had reached a point where I couldn't go on another day being rediculed, made fun of, controlled, and hurt. So many people saw for years what I had only recently was able to admit to myself. My ex cared only about himself.<p>In the past year I have learned that there are nice men out there. I have learned that my ex was much worse than I had ever imagined. I learned that though my children are still adjusting, their father hurts them every time he breaks a visitation, refuses to see them, etc. As recently as this weekend, he broke his promise to see them and went away instead...if he knows I have plans, he will not take the kids...still trying to control me through the boys. I have had a restraining order on my ex for almost two years; it is the only thing that keeps him from intruding in my life more.
My advice is to take care of yourself and stay strong. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat. From what you described, your ex is a classic abuser. Consider yourself lucky that you have been afforded a chance to start over and that your kids may grow to see that it is not okay to control people; especially someone you are supposed to love. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them or make them sad. Remember this everytime you start feeling bad about things. You did all you could...take it from someone who spent a decade trying to always do "it" better, trying harder...the criticism only got worse. <p>Good luck to you and your children.

Kathy,<p>I, too, was married to an abusive man. And I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I didn't see it before it was too late. I think one reason was that the onset was so gradual, each time you have to overlook a little more than you did the last time. Whatever I did was never enough, the wrong thing. <p>I spent nine years trying to become somebody I wasn't just to put an end to the constant criticism. The verbal and emotional abuse wore me down to a place I never want to be again. And even now that we've been divorced for six years, the put-downs and criticisms haven't stopped. The difference is that now I don't care. He has lost his power to intimidate me.<p>And, no, we're not the same people we were before surviving an abusive relationship. But the scars that have replaced the innocence serve a purpose. Even though you may not realize it yet, you're a much stronger person than you thought you were. And, yes, you DID change for the wrong reasons. But you can't relive the past. Recognize and be proud that you've survived. Take the credit. You're entitled. <p>Maybe it isn't such a bad thing that in the future it will take more to convince us to trust again. When and if I do choose to be in a relationship, I know I'll have to be darned sure.<p>Whenever you start to think that he's replaced you, stop and consider exactly what that means. You know that the problem lies with him, not you. And you can rest assured that if he hasn't dealt with his issues, his next victim will endure the same abuse you did. The cycle won't stop until he decides it needs to stop. And as long as he can find a willing accomplice, there's no reason to change.<p>You're not alone. Be strong and be proud. You will be happy again.<p>Ellie