Yep, that's right! Apparently, she was sitting for my girls while ex was helping a friend move and she spanked my 5 year old. She told my daughter that she wouldn't "tell her daddy that she was bad and needed a spanking." My youngest is a free spirit (that's a nice way of putting a REALLY BIG HANDFUL OF TROUBLE)and certainly deserves her share of spankings, but not from the OW.<p>I confronted ex about it and I told both girls that SHE is not to spank them. In fact, I will tell them to call me next time she does I will go get them right then. Is there anything I can really do about this? I'd like to go over there and beat the sh&* out of that slut. Oh, I'm SO pissed about this...

I would have a huge problem with that one too. How did he react when you told him? I would write this one down in a little notebook, and if it ever happens again I would take some kind of action. <p>Mom's and Dad's can spank if they choose to do so. I gave permission to my sister to spank in certain situations, but other than that nobody touches my kids. Make sure your children understand what is acceptable to you and what is not, and that they need to tell you if this ever happens again.<p>PO'd for you.<p>Elizabeth

You can file charges against her! I would even petition the court that she NOT be aloud around the children while with their father, that is what I did. Call your lawyer today and get it started, and call child protective services on her. By the way, does your ex know that she tried to play this mind game with your daughter so he wouldn't find out that she hit her? His karma is coming, she is already being dishonest and hiding things from him. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Are you sure I can file charges? On what grounds? We are already divorced so I don't think I can keep her away from them. I need to talk to my ex again and make sure he agrees that she is not to spank first, I think. If so, it's a moot point, I guess. I'm in SC, btw, so I don't know how the laws compare....<p>I do spank my children, as does my ex. We are in agreement on that, just not who gets to spank them obviously. But I don't know if he knew because he acted surprised, like he didn't know anything about it. Once a liar, always a liar? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Elizabeth:<p>I have told them, but when they are with their daddy, can I really do anything OTHER than get PO'ed? Like you, there are certain people who have permission to spank, not that they ever really have (ie sister, MIL....). Thanks for the support.

Well I know for me I have no control as to what goes on in my ex's house when it's his time with the kids. His girlfriend makes all of the rules and is the only enforcer. She's the one that punishes my kids, not their dad. I know from talking to my lawyer that there isn't anything I can do. Look at it this way, it's his time with the kids and he is the one that had her in charge so it was his decision during his decision making time. If it were his sister babysitting, or his mother and they spanked her would you have this issue? Most likely not. You have this issue because it's his girlfriend, the other woman. You'd get no where even trying to file any charges.

Of course mothers would have an issue with a babysitter of any kind spanking their children. Even in those backward states where school teachers can spank the children, they have to get several levels of approval before they can spank. If you don't file charges immediately, it might make it more difficult to prosecute her later. <p>I don't think you should allow your children to go anywhere with their father until a restraining order is in place against that woman.

Nellie,<p>Are you aware that if Trapped witholds visitation from her x, she will be contempt of court and subject to repercussions? You cannot stop a parent from seeing the child unless you get permission from the court.<p>Trapped, you maybe can press assault/battery charges on ow but where would that leave you with xh? Probably not a good situation. I would try talking to him frist to see what his take is on this.

BonnieSept:<p>As I recall, you were the WS? I'm not judging you, but you must realize you are coming from a totally different place than I am. If you want to get down to the basic issue, it's this - he SHOULD spend time with them while he has them, not pawn them off on OW. <p>Despite the affair and OW, he is a good father (well as good as he can be since he CHOSE the OW over them)and we normally share the disciplining with them. As to someone else spanking them, I mentioned that others have permission, but have never done so! So why after knowing them for only a few months is she already spanking them?<p>Nellie:<p>I plan to talk to the ex about this first. It makes me sick to my stomach. Uh oh, just had a thought.... She could take her hatred and anger at me out on my girls. WS is SO DAMN STUPID! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

diddallas:<p>I have no intention of keeping the girls from my WS. THAT would break their hearts. Like I said, he IS a good father. Hopefully, we can have a rational conversation about this. The thing is that I don't really think he wants OW to spank the girls, but can't come out and tell me this. I also think she withheld (LIED [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] )the truth from him. I HOPE I'm right about this. Thanks for the reminder though.

trapped,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> he SHOULD spend time with them while he has them, not pawn them off on OW. <hr></blockquote>of course, you're right but we can't always take our kids with us everywhere.. I understand your hurt and anger but the sad truth really is that we don't have much say about what goes on during visitation at the NCP's home. <p>Trapped, he didn't choose the OW over THEM, he chose her over YOU. It sucks and it's painful but it's true. His leaving you has nothing to do with his love for them. I say this because I left my x and my love for my kids is what made me stay 17 years too long. I'm sorry if this hurts you but you must face reality. This is between you and him and your kids should not be put in the middle of it.

Yes, I was a WS but my ex also was. My ex's girlfriend has done such terrible things that even his own parents and siblings dis-owned him because of how he let her treat his children. Spanking is nothing compared to what my kids went through while in their dad's care. And for the record, I agree with you, spanking should be done by the parents only. I was just trying to point out how a judge may look at you pressing charges. Your husband wanted to leave his kids in her care during his time is all I'm pointing out. If anybody should put a stop to it, it should be him. But, if he has a spine like my ex he won't. Trapped mom, I am on your side and I do totally understand. I've been there, done that more then I care to discuss.

BonnieSept:<p>Please forgive my haughtiness. I can offer no excuses - I don't know your whole story and I guess I was really judging you. Again, I'm sorry. Thank you for the support. Sorry, your ex is such a spineless a$s!<p>diddallas:<p>You have told me what I already know - he DID leave ME for HER. Well, if you want to be technical, I said enough of the bullsh@#, I'm divorcing YOU. BUT I still maintain that he chose HIS happiness over my girls and in that regard he did leave them.<p>And the reality is that my ex was depressed and ripe for an affair, he just forgot to mention it to me [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . Neither he nor I stayed in the marriage for years for the kids - my youngest was 3 when the affair started. <p>Obviously, I sounded like the bitter ex-wife when in fact, I am a concerned mother. I could tell you stories about her to make your skin crawl. This has NOTHING to do with my bitterness or wanting my ex back. The sad fact is that my children are suffering and I HATE it! <p>I don't know your story, but ours is not one that lasted for 17 years. BTW, I'm glad you got the courage to leave your ex. No one should be forced to stay in a relationship for the kids sake. That was not the situation for me at all.

Okay, just got off phone with ex and had a good conversation. He has agreed that she has no business spanking our daughters. I'd still like to spank (beat the sh$% out of really) her for that. He assured me that OW will not spank them again. Ah, relief.

You CAN have a say about what goes on at the other parents house during visitation. I wouldn't get all out of hand and try to get a restraining order. All that does it get goofy and make everyone Jerry Springerish. <p>I would document the incident though. Write it down, date & time, what happened, the childs reaction, the x's reaction. Then I would make sure that it is understood by all that trash @ss is not allowed to touch these children in any way. Period. Have your lawyer send a letter, write a letter to her yourself and send it certified. All very businesslike, nothing saying you want to beat the crap out of her (does she live by me?). Just to the point and I would also cc the x on it. <p>As far as being able to control what happens during visitation, if you do it correctly, you can get what you need accomplished. Without permission from the childs parent(s) or guardian she hit them. Now if some chica in the grocery store came up and hit your kid you wouldn't say you had no control over that! This is just a little removed from that. She is not married to your x - correct? So therefore she is not the stepmother, and she has no sort of guardianship or anything on them - she technically committed assult and battery. <p>I would use this as a means of leverage. Bargan with the x that you will not pursue the issue if he will agree - in writing - that the tramp is not allowed alone with the children. <p>If you can't get that to happen, I would just call your domestic violence center and see what they have to say about it. They might know a nice police fella who would stop by and have a chat with her, or they might tell you that you should make a complaint or file a report. Now making a complaint or filing a report is different than demanding someone be arrested and charged with a crime. Making a report is just that. It is documenting to the police what has happened, and if anything further happens you have this report as proof that you did address the situation immeadiately and are considering it to be a serious issue.<p>I am the queen of taking care of issues. One of the women in x's apt building hollered at my kids every time we walked past her door. I tried to handle the situation nicely, but she just wouldn't cooperate. So, one evening she got hauled into the police station. I had spoken with her and the office several times, made a few reports, and it was time to do business. Nobody yells at my kids. Cept me. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is all in how you handle the situation. <p>This good? Lemme know if you need something else k?<p>Elizabeth

In many, if not all states, the other parent has the right of first refusal - if the parent who is supposed to be taking care of the kids can not, the other parent gets first dibs - not the OW, not some babysitter.<p>I think it is critically important to get a guarantee in writing, legally binding, to prohibit the OW from hitting your children - ever. And the only way I know of to guarantee that is to get a restraining order. I would not count on the ex-spouse's word - even if he has excellent intentions, he probably can not supervise the OW every second. <p>It is not a matter of "keeping the kids from their father" - it is matter of protecting their physical safety. A emergency restraining order can be granted very quickly, quite likely before his next scheduled visitation - in the meantime the father could see the kids in your presence, or in the presence of a neutral third party. <p>This is not something to mess with. The rate of serious physical injury, even homicide, perpetrated by second partners on the first partner's children is many times that of natural parents. <p>Have you read "The truth about Cinderella : a Darwinian view of parental love," by Daly? The evidence presented in that book is terrifying.

I am a step mom to two children (10, 13) and I would NEVER lay a hand on them. Further, I won't discipline them either - unless it's a "please put your plate in the sink" or "turn off the light"...<p>I have been told by several therapists (my mother being one of them, she's an MFCC) that I, as the step-mom should allow the PARENT to do the disciplining. My H and I both agree with this arrangement.<p>I think it take cajones of steel for this woman to spank your child.

You know..I am seeing someone and he hasn't spanked my kids, he's has gotten on to them about things..if they haven't listened to me..he'll say something like..<p>"What did your mother tell you??" <p>And he's told them "I'll call your dad over here and have him to spank you"<p>And the only time he really got onto my son was when my son in a fit of anger hit me..He said,
You know..I don't say anything when you throw things in anger, when you slam doors in anger or kick the walls..because that is your parent's job..BUT..I will NOT sit here and say nothing when You HIT your mother!! I will tear your butt up myself if I see you do it again..because Your mother deserves your respect..I don't hit her, and I won't let anyone else hit on her either including you..I was sitting there in shock because he's never said anything about the other things..he's always let me handle those things..
and has stayed out of it..<p>my ex never said anything about it to son..even got mad when the dean at son's old school got onto him for treating me that way..said..That was HIS JOB..which it was/is his job..but ex never did anything about it..and my son needs that firm hand..

Do exactly what JusttheWife and Nellie said. I would not allow my children around her alone again, the next time it could be a slap across the face, which is what happened to my son! I immediatly reported it to the police and child protective services, and then filed for a restraining order. The ex got chewed out by the court for allowing it to happen. She was no longer allowed around my son. Their relationship didn't last to much longer after that either, she "wasn't putting up with a bi**** ex". She thought I was being a b**** because I said she wasn't to lay a hand on my child, especially a slap across the face and I meant it and I took the steps to make sure it never happened again. Good Luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

TR,
The guy you're seeing sounds pretty cool. He have a cousin in WI?
Elizabeth