I am both an OW (A broken off mid-jan) and a wife whose H has cheated on her for the 8 years we were together. Obviously my EN were NOT being met by my philandering husband--I was utterly faithful until I fell in love w/my "best friend"--we began an affair after Sept 11th and it continued until his W caught us mid-Jan '02. Now I am pregnant--my son may be my (ex)H's or my ex-boyfriend's. My H and I divorced a few weeks ago--we have one beautiful, but anxious, D (5 years old).<p>I don't think all marriages should be saved. I am so relieved and happy to be away from my exH--despite our D and another baby due. I could not stand another day of his constant emotional and verbal abuse as well as his occasional physical abuse--his affairs w/teenagers (we are both in our early 40s) were the least of my worries.<p>I see now that I became the OW because I was desparate, scared and emotionally very vulnerable. My ex-boyfriend and his wife are trying to mend their marriage and we have broken off all contact. Their marriage was also very terrible--he claims that she wouldn't have sex w/him for the past 6 years (she is 37 and he is 44) plus lots of basic emotionally, intellectual incompatability.<p>On the other hand, he was NEVER faithful to her--I was the only person he has had a full-blown love affair w/--but he's been addicted to strip clubs since before they were married and continued the addiction even while he was having an affair w/me. We live in a lawless city and he wasn't just looking at these young girls--he was touching, kissing, etc. and they were touching him as well.<p>I tried to terminate the pregnancy due to the circumstances, but I couldn't do it. I am praying that the boy is my H's and not my ex-lover's as I do not want any more contact w/him. Since I am 44 I never expected that I could get pregnant but obviously it can happen even at this late date.<p>If anyone out there is contemplating an A--especially if you would be the OW--I beg you please don't do it!! It is never worth it. Even if you lured him away from his W and children and he married you, your "true love" would bear a stigma, a taint, years of resentment from him, his family, his ex-wife, her family, and most of all, his kids. If you are in a terrible marriage that can't be saved--GET OUT--heal, and then date ONLY other single people. Affairs NEVER solve the problems that they are symptoms of.<p>I am healing, looking forward to welcoming my beautiful son into the world, looking forward to the good possibilites that life might offer me--and i have definately learned my lesson

Good for you. It's always nice to hear a remorseful OW. Just remember that you were only hearing one side of the story - the OM's. I wish you well with your pregnancy and your future.

yes, I knew his W socially and could see that a lot of what he said was true--but I now doubt much of what he told me--don't know if he was deliberately lying abt problems in his marriage or just confused.<p>This is his second marriage--his W was the OW who did lure him away from his first marriage. He said that this was a big mistake (leaving his first wife, staying w/the OW) "out of the frying pan into the fire"--regretted ending his first marriage as they were far more intellectually compatable etc. So his current wife has been in my shoes and "won"--but it does seem a very, very hollow "victory."

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and pain. <p>I would encourage you to post this on www.gloryb.com so they can have all the facts for what they are in for. I am not sending you away. I want you here too!!! You have a bumpy road ahead but you will get through this. <p>Keep posting...

yes, i remember visiting that site when i was beginning this diastrous affair. i will post there too--if i could help just one pre-OW before she embarks on the most stupid decision of her life that would be a good thing

Justine,<p>Yes, go ahead and post at GloryB if you want. Just understand that for the most part, you will be preaching to the choir. As a GloryB "graduate" myself, I can tell you that the women there...and the men...are there because they are in pain. Even the ones who seem to be flaunting their affairs as though they are happy and proud of their "relationship." <p>I have NEVER seen GloryB regulars encourage a poster who was contemplating an affair. Always those people are asked, advised, BEGGED...to run away, end it before it's too late. But...inevitably, the newbie always thinks that their situation is different...it will turn out differently than we all know it will turn out. <p>There is no escape from pain for the OW. The only way out of the pain is to end the emr...GloryB gives OW a place to work through that process. I know there are people at this board who may puruse the site from time to time and come away with a different impression. There are many women at GloryB who are in denial. But if you have ever experienced that in your own life...and honestly, who hasn't at one time or another, you understand that it takes time to get to the point of recognizing and telling yourself the truth.<p>So please, if you go to GloryB, go there with that understanding and a compassion for the pain of the situation. Otherwise, your words will fall on deaf, and yes, even angry...ears. And that accomplishes nothing. What WILL be helpful is another voice that can empathize with compassion and gently lead someone else out of the maze of deceit and pain. Maybe that voice is yours.

Justine... sounds like we have similar situations on our hands here. My hubby cheated on me early on in our marriage. Which was followed by lie after lie, mental and emotional abuse, etc. By the time we hit the 6 year mark I was in a prime position to fall in to an affair and I did. Did what he put me through make what I did excusable, no it did not and does not, but it happened anyway. And of course my affair was with a married man who's marriage was in just as bad of shape as mine was. But we gave to each other the mental and emotional needs that neither of us were getting from our marriages. I ended it due to guilt, and how it all could affect not only my hubby and kids but his wife and kids. Shortly after I came to my senses and ended it, I found out I was pregnant. Same thing, didnt know for sure which one was the father. I too thought about ending the pregnancy but that is something that I could not do and I am so glad that I didnt. I built my walls up around my hubby and kids to protect them from ever knowing anything and almost had a mental breakdown while I was pregnant. The NOT knowing is the worst. After my daughter was born the man I had the affair with told his wife everything. When he asked me if she was his all I said was "it worked out how I had hoped" which left it up to him to interpret what exactly that meant. My husband and I continued on for 2 years after she was born in the same situation. Him never being home, never spending time, and being hell to be around when he was home. Me, living the lie and hiding the truth of the whole situation. Then I left him. We were apart for 10 months and the divorce was filed. We've both been in some extensive counseling since we split. He told me if he was me he would have divorced him too. And he's pointed out every last thing he did and didnt do that he should or shouldnt have. And he thanked me for leaving him and filing like I did cause if I hadnt he might not have ever seen himself. Because of his honesty I got honest too, and he knows about the affair now and the uncertainty of the paternity. He says even if she is not his daughter by blood, she will always be his little girl. He still loves me in spite of it all. The divorce is on hold and were taking it day by day and trying to work through the past together and build on what we both hope will be a much better future. The man I had the affair with has worked long and hard on repairing his marriage too. He is aware that she is more then likely his. I only told him as I wanted him to be the one to have the choice if he ever wanted to be a part of her life or if he ever wanted anyone to know. He has choosen to not let anyone know and he does not see her. They have gone on with their life, as we have with ours, and for now it's best that way. My daugther has a 'father' who loves her no matter what. We are working on repairing our marriage and making it better then it ever was. Not easy, but very worth it. I love him and he loves me, and after 11 years, thats a lot to have. There is an honesty now that never was before, and were friends again, which is something we havent been for years. We still have not done a paternity test and at this rate one may never be done. I wish you all the best with your baby and the future. Just keep your chin up and your head held high.. no matter who the father is, everything happens for a reason, and this child is a blessing to YOU.<p>Email me if you would like to talk further....<p>a_points@yahoo.com

yes, our stories are remarkably similar although the outcomes appear to be different. While I do feel frustrated that my ex husband "wasted" a perfectly wonderful spouse (I was committed and devoted for 7 out of the 8 years of our relationship while he was abusive, distant, noncommitted etc. until just the past few months when he realized that he had lost me), I do not regret my decision to divorce, even though I am now facing rather dire financial straits as well as the stress of being single mother to a newborn son. My divorce book ("Divorce Reconsidered") notes that very few women in the large VA study upon which the book is based regretted after two years their decisions to divorce--they all felt that their lives were richer, fuller, happier, etc. Also, although poor health rose in the first two years of a divorce for many, women who had been in a distant and/or abusive relationship experienced greater good health as their depression lifted--this is exactly my situation currently. I did feel as if I was physically and emotionally "dying" in my marriage. It sounds like your lifepath is greatly improving and you are rebuilding your marriage from the ground up which is wonderful--it just wasn't the right direction for me.<p>As for the paternity issue--my ex-husband and I want to know right away and plan to do a dna cheek swab on the baby as soon as he is born. I am 95% certain that he is my husband's baby, but perhaps not. As for your daughter--legally she will always be your husband's child since he didn't challenge paternity--I think you have to raise a challenge w/in the first 18 months or so. Other than medical reasons or curiosity there seems to be no point in testing her for paternity, but it would be easy enough to do--simple cheek swabs from your husband and your daughter, if your daughter's doesn't match your husband's than she must be your ex-boyfriend's biologically.
good luck and thank you for sharing your story

Justine,<p>Many times OP here have been "flamed" but I always find some comfort in reading their posts. <p>I understand that we are all human and "things happen". I'm not saying it's right, but I think that when you learn from these experiences and share them with others, it helps, especially those BS who have so many questions for an OP. <p>What does it feel like? Why didn't you tell your spouse how you felt? Etc. Although each OP is different, when a BS first discovers the affair, they struggle to understand.<p>I'm past the A in my life, I was the BS, but I appreciate when anyone takes time to write and share because every once in a while, I'm temped to cheat myself now (not that I'm married) and I think back to these posts and I know...it's not worth it, make a clean break and move on...don't cheat.<p>Prayers to your new baby, I hope it works out for you.
Dana B

Dana--I'm not up on the abbrevs here but I think you are saying that you were the wife whose husband cheated right? My motives/feelings etc. honestly they were based on a desparation that made me very selfish coupled w/a blind adoration of my ex-boyfriend. I justified my behavior by seeing all the bad aspects of the way his wife treated him and all of her character flaws--they were and are there, but he was not perfect either nor was I. It could very well be that my ex-boyfriend and I were/are indeed far better suited, could make each happy whereas we were unhappy w/our respective spouses, but the affiar itself tainted and poisoned our relationship. It becomes hard to idealize and admire someone who is lying, cheating etc which are values neither of us respected--so you end up not respecting yourself OR your A partner and vice versus. If a couple is really meant to be together and a marriage is really that miserable, by all means move towards ending the marriages and then become romantically involved after the dust has settled.<p>It must be so hard emotionally for you to be left by your husband for another woman--and the fact that he has stayed w/her and is now engaged compounds the agony--I urge you to read "Divorce Reconsidered"--it will really give you hope that your life is going to get better--supposedly 1 year after your divorce is the darkest time, but 6 years later most divorced women were very happy that the marriage didn't last after all even if they didn't want the divorce in the first place and even if they hadn't remarried. Divorced men, on the other hand, didn't fair nearly as well unless they remarried.<p>There is going to be someone out there who will prove a better partner for you--but it WON'T be a married dude--steer clear! Apparently divorced women are targets for married men seeking affairs--b/cause I was separated at the time of my affair I see that my ex-boyfriend perceived me to be vulnerable "fair game"--this is very common. You will compound heartbreak upon heartbreak and not heal from your divorce trauma if you fall for the temptation of a married man--and sometimes these heartbreaking affairs drag on for years.<p>As for your husband and the OW--only 15% of people who left their marriage for an OW or OM end up actually marrying this person--so engaged is a long way from being married. If they do marry, they have something like an 80% chance of getting divorced. Also, I would say it would be very likely that he would eventually cheat on her too--my ex-boyfriend's wife was a former OW--he didn't marry her until she became pregnant 4 or 5 years after she had broken up his first (childless) marriage. His whole stance was feeling "trapped" by her, what a mistake she was, he should never have left his first wife etc. etc.--and 5 years into this second marriage, he cheats again (w/me). Had I broken up their marriage I am certain that I would have faced unending heartbreak from him as well. Better to be single, tough it out, be patient--married men are an absolute losing proposition for the OW.