Remember me. I'm the person who had a husband who was verbally abusive and couldn't control his anger. I had become afraid of his out-of-control rages and feared he would eventually become physical. We were married just over six years when I told him to get help for his anger or move out. He moved out right before Christmas. I honestly thought that after thinking it through he would be willing to at least consider getting help, but one of the last times I saw him, he still insisted that he doesn't believe in counseling. I am his fifth wife.<p>With my head, I know I did what I had to do, but my heart is telling me something different. I've been crying off and on for the last week because I miss him so much and I still love him. It doesn't help that I found out that he's already become involved with another woman. Am I crazy, or is this normal? I just want to pick up the telephone and beg him to come home and yet I still have some pride left too so I don't!<p>At this point, I'm almost willing to offer to get counseling myself in order to live with his anger since he's not willing. I know that doesn't sound rational but I feel really desperate. I'm basically an easygoing person and his rages scared me to the point I was reacting with physical symptoms from holding it all in.<p>Is there any hope at all for this marriage? If so, what can I do that I haven't done or is it too late for everything since he now has a girlfriend. When he first moved out, he mentioned something about us seeing each other from time to time, but I did not think that was a good idea then and I told him so. He seemed adamant about dividing everything up once he left so I didn't see the point.<p>Three of his other wives became involved with other men before leaving him. The fourth one he only stayed married to a short time. I have been true to him (even still) and I tried so hard to be a good wife and make this marriage work.

Helga,<p>, he still insisted that he doesn't believe in counseling. I am his fifth wife.It's called 'denial', baby.
It doesn't help that I found out that he's already become involved with another womanThat proves that the problem was you, not him, right? More denial.At this point, I'm almost willing to offer to get counseling myself in order to live with his anger since he's not willing. I know that doesn't sound rational but I feel really desperate. Desperate enough to live in constant fear and danger?. I have been true to him (even still) and I tried so hard to be a good wife and make this marriage work. And we commend you but you can't make it work alone and he has bailed. I do agree that counseling might help you---learn how to be happy alone so that when you are ready to meet someone else, it will be a happy, healthy relationship..not some sick co-dependent nightmare.<p>No man is good enough to let yourself be treated so badly and feel that you are in danger. Unfortunately, I think if you are holding any hope of this marriage working, unless he gets counseling and admits he has a problem, you are holding out false hope.<p>So, in short, yes, you did the right, sane, safe thing.<p>{{{hugs}}}

Oh, sweetie, how I feel for you. I have been there. Verbal abuse, constant fear of it escalating to the physical. Losing my self esteem and becoming whatever I could to keep the peace. Always hoping, hoping he would come around and give me that secure, loving and comforting marriage that I so much wanted. <p>Do you ever think that the 3 x wives may have sought out another man so that they would be protected from him? The abuse is so demeaning that you begin to look at yourself as unworthy. The depression becomes overwhelming and you look to him for help. He loses what is left of respect for you and sees you as pathetic.<p>Count your blessings dear. How does another 6 years of living in the same situation look to you [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] You will be 6 years older and may miss some wonderful chances to find real happiness. Don't let him rob you of your self respect.<p>Not easy at first to make the break, but you will have a head start on a lot of us who have an H that is somewhat kind. Make that break, do for yourself and your future and I can pretty much assure you that in a few months, you will feel 100% better. <p>Love and prayers. Jan

Helga,<p>Of course I remember you. I am glad you checked in with us.<p>You did do the right thing. He was getting more and more verbally abusive and starting to bring in some violence. <p>I know what it is like to have verbal turn to violence. It is something that is so hard to deal with. It can eat you up inside if you think about the physical abuse. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! <p>I consider you very lucky. You don't know how lucky you are.<p>I did counseling and it helped so much. You should do counseling. Not for him but for you. <p>Get strong, get independent and like who you are without a man.<p>Take care and keep in touch,<p>ANNA

Hi Helga<p>Yep, remember you well.<p>It takes two to heal a marriage and since he is unwilling, it is over. Pure and simple. You may want it with all your might, but it is over.<p>Begging him will only make things worse. Guaranteed. 1. It'll know your still on the hook and available to him. 2. You'll seem desperate and he won't respect you. He cannot love someone he doesn't respect.<p>Discontinue all contact with him. It's over.<p>I will be really hard at first to be on your own, but in time you'll feel comfortable in your own skin again. Find some nice things to occupy your time with. Small steps is all that is required. You need to become a healthy person yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else.<p>Remember that ultimately, you are the only person that can make yourself happy. Be good to yourself.<p>Kevin<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</p>

Thank you for your responses. Of course you're right and deep down I know that. When my husband and I first separated, I was very strong, and if I felt myself waivering, I would just remember some of his rages to get back on track with what I needed to do. I seem to be going through this phase of remembering only the "good times" and it's making me very sad and emotional. I know I've got to get myself moving by finding some avenues to keep me busy and occupied so I don't dwell on all of this. I spend a lot of time alone in the evenings and weekends, so it's hard not to think.<p>I know I need to work on healing myself if I want to move forward. My first marriage of 20 years ended when my husband became involved with a co-worker, and now to have to deal with another divorce is really traumatic. I probably should have gotten out sooner, but I didn't want to have to go through this again. <p>The fact that he has already has a girlfriend is like a slap in the face to me because it's like the eight years we've been together didn't mean that much to him. I don't understand how he can just move on that quickly.

Yes, based on what I know of your situation, you did the right thing!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Helga:
<strong> Am I crazy, or is this normal?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is normal.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Helga:
<strong>Is there any hope at all for this marriage? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, but it takes two people, and your H would have to take responsibility for what he's done and seek help, and respond to it, and take part in his own recovery. However, since you are his fifth wife and he's moving on, chances are he will never understand that it is HIM, and not you, with the problem.<p>Just my two and three-quarter cents. (Inflation, you know.)<p>;}

Helga, I really empathize with your pain. My H is a verbally abusive alcoholic. We've been together 20 years, married 10 this month (I married him after he got sober, but he relapsed 2+ years ago). He's currently living with OW who is 27 years younger than he is and neither of them works - I give him a pay check from our business.<p>I also gave him an ultimatum: get sober and end A or get divorced. We have been to MC and it seemed to help, while we were there, and I also honestly believed that he would choose to get sober since he's destroying his life. But, he chose to stay with OW and give me our jointly owned business. <p>I also miss him terribly. I know it's crazy and I can only have faith that what everyone here says is true, that, in time, I'll get over him. He's such a different person when he's sober. But he's now convinced himself that I never really loved him enough.<p>I also developed physical symptoms in response to his rages in combination with the A. My H mocks my fear of him, telling me I don't know what real abuse is since he's never hit me.<p>I also am missing the "good times." I am working hard on my self - AlAnon, IC, reading self-help stuff, and trying to keep busy, but I'm still waiting for the payoff...<p>I wish you well.