I have been married for a year and a half and been with my husband almost 5 years. We have a 2 year old son together. I met this man about 6 months ago and we were both taken by eachother at first site. I am not the type to have an affair but it happened.<BR>It lasted about 2-3 months until I finally came clean with to my husband. This man is married too and my husband revieled it to his wife. I am still in withdrawl and it is somewhat worse now because we ended up moving closer to where this man and his family lives. We were 25 miles away before.<BR>I tried to talk to him once, but he walked away. But there are things he does, my husband caught him peering into my car windows once, but for what reasons I don't know. Now my husband has been talking to his wife about these things. She is pregnant but I wonder if she will try to steal my husband<BR>now. I really felt like I loved this man, and I love my husband, it just seems like we are more friends now than passionate lovers.<BR>I am 21 and my husband is 28. the man I had an affair with is not much older than my husband. I am just so confused. There is still this hope that one day I can be together with this man, It seems to me I am just staying with my husband because I don't know what else to do and we have a child. I know it's so wrong to think that way...wanting to be with this man. Is there ever really a chance???????????help

mel2000,<P>Is there a chance for what?<P>Is there a chance that you will end up happily married to this man? That is highly unlikely. Dr. Harley has statistics that show that in the rare case that both you and this other man leave your spouses and marry, your "new" marriage will have a less then 25% chance of surviving. Dr. Harley says that the reason for this is the fact that your relationship with the other man is based on dishonesty and betrayal.<P>Is there a chance that you will end up happily married to your H? Well that, at this point, is entirely up to you and will require great effort on your part as well as on the part of your H! Your level of commitment to your present marriage will have to change dramatically. Based on your post You and your H need to read about the basic concepts on this web site for starters. You may also want to order Dr. Harleys book on surviving an affair. <P>Again I'm not sure what your looking for here. If it is acceptance or endorsement of what you have done this may not be the right place. If however, you are in the pits with withdrawal and know that you need to rebuild your marriage the folks here will be of great help. You may want to post your questions under one of the infidelity topics.

My H is the one who introduced me to this web site. we have gone through it many times. I am still contemplating if I want my marriage to work or not. He is a wonderful husband that would do anything for me. That is hard to find. I am just having such a hard time getting the other man out of my head. It has been nearly 4 months since it ended. Will it ever go away? And why I want this other man , I don't know. I coulnd not honestly give an answer. Some days are better than others though. then I have some days where I am practically in tears yearning for him. It's so messed up and I just don't know what to do or if anybody could ever help.

Dear Mel2000,<BR>I know this is a hard for you because, satan wants to destroy your marriage. He is working hard for you to have a broken marriage. He is a liar, deceiver and the only you can to do is to shield yourself with the blood of Jesus. Every time you feel that loneliness read the Bible, listen to Christian music, memorize scriptures, pray and talk to your husband about your loneliness or starvation for love. Your husband should fulfil your needs not anybody else. Let God be the foundation of your marriage. God said that he hates who do evil. Let us be holy because He is Holy. <P>Please read Galatians 6:7-10 & Ephesians 5:22-33<BR>

mel2000,<P>Since my marriage is one of those rare ones that began as an affair and survived (for 23 1/2 years anyway), I thought I'd jump in here for a minute with my 2 cents worth.<P><BR>"I have been married for a year and a half and been with my husband almost 5 years. We have a 2 year old son together. I met this man about 6 months ago and we were both taken by eachother at first site. I am not the type to have an affair but it happened."<P>I understand you to be saying by "been with" that you were living together for about 3 years or so and had a child before you were married? (not judging, just trying to make sure I understand you). My wife and I lived together for about 6-7 months while her divorce was finalized before we could get married. Read Dr. Harley's info on living together before marriage on this site. I can testify that he is pretty close to the mark on the problems involved (just something to consider).<P>Bad news ... EVERYONE is the type to have an affair. It can happen to anyone. Period. Read Dr. Harley's material on this site, all it takes is the right (wrong) circumstances.<P><BR>"It lasted about 2-3 months until I finally came clean with to my husband. This man is married too and my husband revieled it to his wife."<P>In our affair I was unmarried and her marriage was "almost over" (since then I have come to observe that many people I have known involved in an affair say this. It sounds so much better than "I'm unwilling to work on our problems"). She was looking for an excuse to end it before I came along (this in no way excuses our affair, I'm only explaining differences in circumstances) and there were no children involved. What motivated you to inform your H of the affair?<P><BR>"I am still in withdrawl and it is somewhat worse now because we ended up moving closer to where this man and his family lives. We were 25 miles away before. I tried to talk to him once, but he walked away."<P>My guess is that you haven't even seen withdrawal yet. If you check with others here in similar situations, I believe you will find that withdrawal doesn't begin until a while after all contact is ended. This means NO contact at all if I understand correctly.<P><BR>"But there are things he does, my husband caught him peering into my car windows once, but for what reasons I don't know. Now my husband has been talking to his wife about these things. She is pregnant but I wonder if she will try to steal my husband<BR>now."<P>Stop here and think for a moment. How would you feel if you were the one pregnant, and were informed that your H was having an affair while you were carrying his child? What might happen if you were to divorce your H and marry OM instead? Where would he be if you were the one pregnant with his child next time? Again, I am not intending to pass judgement, just offering some things to consider.<P><BR>"I really felt like I loved this man, and I love my husband, it just seems like we are more friends now than passionate lovers."<P>Read the posts here and you will see these same words in many of them. Both your H and the OM are (were) meeting part of your needs. From what I have seen this feeling is normal with an affair. An affair is based on fantasy, not reality. That is part of the reason it is so hard to end one, and so important to avoid all contact with the OP once you do. There are many kind ladies here much more able to talk you through this than I am.<P><BR>"I am 21 and my husband is 28. the man I had an affair with is not much older than my husband. I am just so confused."<P>When my W and I began our affair she was 26 and I was 19. Age has little to do with it.<P><BR>"There is still this hope that one day I can be together with this man, It seems to me I am just staying with my husband because I don't know what else to do and we have a child. I know it's so wrong to think that way...wanting to be with this man."<P>More indication that withdrawal hasn't even started yet. Again there are many kind ladies here better able to help you with this than I am.<P><BR>"Is there ever really a chance???????????help"<P>A chance for what?<BR>Your marriage?<BR>Divorcing your H, the OM divorcing his W (don't forget their new child also), and the two of you marrying and living happy ever after?<P>I believe you have already (at least in part) answered both of these possibilities yourself.<P>First lets look at your present marriage.<P>"My H is the one who introduced me to this web site. we have gone through it many times. I am still contemplating if I want my marriage to work or not. He is a wonderful husband that would do anything for me. That is hard to find."<P>If I am understanding you, after you disclosed your affair to your H, he is still with you in your home. He is willing to help you work through the aftermath of the affair and do his part needed to restore your marriage. He still loves you, and has not indicated plans for separation or divorce after disclosure. It sounds to me like there is a good chance of restoring your marriage, if you choose to stay with it. It will take time, commitment, and hard work for both you and your H, but the results will be worth the effort.<P>Again another area where the ladies here can be of more help that I, but the indecision you feel is normal with having both men filling part of your needs as I understand.<P><BR>Now lets look at the affair.<P>"I am just having such a hard time getting the other man out of my head. It has been nearly 4 months since it ended."<P>My math skills are not good, but 2-3 months for the affair and 4 months since add up to 6-7 months. How many months pregnant is his W? I earlier made an assumption that she was pregnant during the affair, but either way your OM is still "grazing on both sides of the fence" as a friend said many years ago.<P>I see several other things to consider here too.<P>If he is "in love" with you, why is he still with his W? How long does it take for a divorce to go through in your location if you and OM were to go that way? Has he ever even indicated to you a desire to divorce his W and marry you? What about the children?<P>Trust me on the fact that the dishonesty, insecurity and lack of commitment and responsibility involved in an affair WILL carry over to a marriage with the OM if that is what happens. This is personal experience speaking here. I have seen it in my own marriage and others also. The emotional baggage involved is overwhelming. The emotional cost and stress involved is much worse than you can imagine. Working to restore your present marriage will be a fraction of the work involved just in maintaining a marriage based on an affair. Of the marriages I have known that actually materialized out of affairs (and many never did marry after divorcing), only two others lasted more than a few months.<P>My marriage lasted as long as it did only because I accepted the weaknesses involved early in the marriage. The ongoing problems we faced on almost a daily basis were far greater than the combined problems of my brother's and two sister's marriages. Also the fact that since an affair was how we had started out, the chances for one or both of us having one during our time together were high.<P>I can honestly say that I never did. This was only due to conditions never being right (wrong), nothing special about me. When I filled out Dr. Harley's Emotional Needs forms I found part of the reason for this. My number one need is for physical affection (not sex). As in person I am usually shy and introverted, the circumstances never happened to arise for me to have an affair during our marriage. I am also sure that if a woman had come along at the improper time, hugged me and wanted to hold my hand and go for a walk, I would have followed her like a puppy.<P>From what you have posted so far I see great hope for your present marriage if you are willing to make a commitment to restore it, avoid all contact with the OM, read and use Dr. Harley's books and material, visit here and post questions, and seek counseling as needed.<P>Many people here can tell you about how much the telephone counseling with Steve Harley can do to help with rough areas in restoring your marriage. He might sound expensive, but price a divorce involving children and he's a bargain.<P>Could you end up married to your OM and happy? Of course it is possible, but then so is winning a fortune in a lottery. The chances just aren't very good. Your OM has already demonstrated that he is dishonest (he didn't disclose affair to his W, your H did) and feels no particular commitment to either his marriage or you. Is this really the type of H you'd rather be with?<P><BR>"Will it ever go away? And why I want this other man , I don't know. I coulnd not honestly give an answer. Some days are better than others though. then I have some days where I am practically in tears yearning for him. It's so messed up and I just don't know what to do or if anybody could ever help."<P>Simple answer-yes, I believe it will go away. It will take time and you will have days that are better than others, but it will gradually improve over time. There are many kind and helpful people here that have been where you are now, and can help walk you through the ups and downs of restoring your marriage if you will let them.<P>I hope I have not offended you with anything I have written here, that was not my intention at all. I thought it might help to hear from someone whose marriage was based on an affair about some of the problems involved. For the most part I can say that the chances are high that if you choose that path you will only end up hurt, alone and unhappy. I have no personal experience with an affair > divorce > marriage in which children are involved, but that is something else to consider before choosing that path.<P>Ron

Ron-<BR> Thank you for your reply. First, I just wanted to explain some of the details with you. Yes, his wife was pregnant at the begining of the affair. and I do not have any contact with this man now. And I haven't for months. I attempted to speak to him once, but he did the right thing by walking away and saying nothing. Yes, my H and I lived together for 2 years before our son was born and married after our son turned one year old. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be married when I did it, it just seemed like the next step to do because I wasn't planning on leaving. <BR> I tend to pick arguments with my H and I feel bad after I do and I don't know why I do. The reasons I told my H of the affair <BR>were because my husband had many suspisions<BR>it's really hard to explain. I had written in a journal about OM and my H had read it and nothing had happened yet, so I just told him it was nothing really and I wouldn't talk to him again, but of course I did. And another reason was I kinda wanted him to leave me. Don't ask me why because I couldn't say. Maybe I just feel like I can't have a normal marriage. I am the product of an affair. My mother was married with 4 other children when she met my father and I was created. She stayed married for 5 years then divorced her husband and married my father. They were married for 13 years and <BR>divorced eachother just a few years ago. they still very much love eachother. So I guess I see hope that my affair could work out sort of that way, but I must be realistic. I don't think the OM would have divorced his W, he has way too much to lose .<BR>Financially mainly. But he did say at one time divorce was inevitable. But that doesn't really matter. I think I'm just stuck on the fantasy of what could've been or what I wanted it to be. Not what it really was. But what you wrote to me helps. Really. I just have to keep going with my H and see where the road takes us. I am still uncertain whether he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my like. I was only 17 when I met and moved in with him. and I have grown and matured and changed, and look at life differently than I did before. But at the same time I am afraid I would never find anyone else that I could love and be in love with so I feel I am just settling. Like I said I think only time will tell. My H is<BR>just always making excuses that the reason he doesn't help me with thing s is because of what I did( the affair) and he just holds it agianst me and always makes comments. And if I feel I need to talk about things with him he gets offended and says he doesn't want to talk about it. I can't get him to<BR>realize that it wuld help us. So there it is, that's all I can think to write right now. My son needs some lunch. Bye