DanaB -<p>I was purusing some old posts and your name came up in a post last year at this time, when you said that you were writing a book about how to deal with OW and kids.<p>I'm in situation - divorce will be final at end of month, but WH is living with OW and all of "his" time with the kids is spent with her.<p>How are things with your kids and OW today - last year you seemed to be tolerating OW ok.<p>Just wanting to see what my future will be like. K

I don't think she has...I'd hoped she would have told me if she did..<grin>

Hello K,<p>I haven't been on MB in a while, I miss it but I'm really overwhelmed by college right now. One of my friends told me there was a message here for me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wrote quite a bit of that book. I started writing from the day XH left, and what it was like going through that, and then discovering it was actually an A, that he actually lived with OW, and the whole divorce process, being served, visitation, etc.<p>Unfortunately, I got a bad virus on my computer and lost it all. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I could write it all again because I still remember it as if it were yesterday.<p>To answer your question, I would love to finish it, but I am half way through college working on my second degree. I am a full time student and I work full time, so I don't get any time to come here and chat anymore. I miss the free time.<p>XH has been living with OW since Dec 25, 1999. Discovery day was Jan 7 and somewhere a few weeks later, he asked to come home, we went through a lot of talks, what it would take, it was very hard, but when I did it, it was more for the kids than me at that point. I wondered could I really forgive him?<p>Well, I never had to worry, he went to HER house to get his stuff, she threw a fit, he stayed. From that moment, I felt he chose her over me and I would not forgive him. I continued with plan A and it was too hard, he was very vindictive, he was doing things that really, he deserved done to him, luckily I didn't waste that kind of time.<p>He served me D papers on Valentine's Day, in an attempt to get full custody of the kids, because he stole joint tax refund money and every bit of money we had basically, and stuck me with $20 in debt! He wanted all the assets, none of the liabilities basically.<p>The judges where I live, have no morals, they don't care why you seperate, or what kind of father he is, all they care about is "preserving his rights", and with what he pulled, he was more a sperm donor than a father, I'm sorry to call him that, but the things he did were disgusting. <p>The judge forced the kids to go to his house every other weekend overnight.<p>ExH and OW made it a big production to show up together, hold hands, come to my door, it was horrible, but he never saw me uncomfortable. He would rub in the "family" things they did and she would answer the phone when I called to talk to the girls (at their request).<p>They became engaged, and as far as I knew life was "paradise" for him.<p>Last summer, June 24, I went on vacation and he wouldn't take the kids, he never took them since then except for one weekend in November. <p>Well, he worked overtime all summer to pay for the wedding. Guess what, in December of 2001, 2 years after he left, they spent the money, she had no date planned (just a huge ring purchased with our joint money) and they split up.<p>I have to say, I was very happy. I never had time to repost, but he recently got back together with her. <p>Honestly, I was really upset by it, more upset than I should have been really.<p>The OW purposely told my exH to do things to me. She did it to hurt me and destroy the last of our marriage.<p>In reality, it wasn't right if it was weak enough to fall apart and he left, but I didn't really have an idea he was unhappy until he left. Then in hindsight, the whereabouts and actions of him were a little questionable, but I didn't think much of it before he left.<p>OW and I do not talk anymore. She tries to talk to me, and talks to me "nice and sweet" like one of my best friends. The truth is I hate her. I always hated her but I was decent to her when my kids slept over there.<p>The problem is that the kids are older now, and they see what their dad did (I never told them) and they found things at OW house that indicated that dad cheated on mom. They didn't tell me for months, they acted up and it came out in counseling.<p>They began stealing money from their dad's and even put some in my purse. I never realized, I thought stress of divorce was confusing me when I'd find $5 in a pocket in my purse. <p>They also paid attention to how they were together in front of me (nice and affectionate...puke!) and when I wasn't around (fighting and insulting). <p>My kid's figured out it was to hurt me. It backfired. My kid's, well the two oldest refuse to go to dad's, if he stops here, they kiss him and miss him dearly, but they are too loyal to me and refuse to hurt me. I've told them to go and do the right thing, but they won't. The youngest, is now 4 and has no clue of it all, she just takes on her sister's opinion and really doesn't know why. (monkey see monkey do).<p>The counselor said that the relationship between the kids and dad is not ruined, he could salvage it, with lots of work, he knows this, but continues to listen to what OW tells him and she pretty much controls him ( I am not controlling, so I wonder, does he like this or something?).<p>Whatever the case is, my exH told me a lot about OW when they split up, he told me he always hated her son and was so mean to him, OW's whole family hated him and didn't want "thier baby" to marry him. He hated her family too. He said OW was young (she was 24) when they got together, a party girl (wild) and he "domesticated her". That she'd be nothing without him. He said he stayed with her a lot of the time out of convenience. <p>Whatever the case may be, I want to share this because OW and WS go out of their way to paint this "rosy picture " of their life after the marraige ends. I don't believe it is always true.<p>I have some women friends who had an exit affair to end the marriage , to get out of an abusive relationship, and they are very happy. I don't say this is right but I don't judge them. The only one I really judge is my exH. And the OW in our life of course.<p>One last thing, ExH told me how he felt guilty and how he put OW over the kids, and promised to change (when they split), got the kids presents, called, etc, but they got back together and he doesn't call.<p>My oldest d says she doesn't "like that man we call her father" and that he may be a "father" by default, but he is no real dad. I feel bad for her. Middle d won't talk about anything, shuts right down and wont talk. My youngest d throws temper tantrums all the time.<p>The kids have been in counseling for 2.5 years and I see very slow progress. I have a severe distrust of men now and I question if I'll ever be happy or let myself be happy after all this, but for now, I just deal with it day by day.<p>To this day, OW never saw me disturbed by her, but when they left with the kids I'd cry for hours. Before they came back, I'd make sure I looked happy and functional because I didn't want them to see what they did to me, and quite honestly, neither of them really knows to this day. <p>I don't believe I'll ever let myself get close enough to be hurt that badly again. It's not about taking time to heal, but making a decision that I can't even take the chance of going thru this kind of stress again.<p>K, I don't wish what you, or any of us go through on anyone (ok except exH and ow still, I admit that), but the best advice I would offer is to be strong in front of them. They caused enough damage, don't let them find pleasure in your pain. Even though time has passed, for some relationships, I don't know if the pain will ever go away completely.<p>I hated dealing with OW, but when I did, I knew that my kids were at least physically well cared for, she cooked for them, bathed them, and watched them when their dad was working (he shouldn't have had that visit IMHO) but she physically was good to them. The emotional damage she allowed to happen though, has destroyed their happy little spirits and there are things I see still missing in them.<p>If you accept the OW in front of the kids, they can accept her, accept their dad, and keep that important relationship with him. If he throws it away, as the children get older, they won't blame you, call you bitter, or any of that, they'll respect you and even ask how you did it. <p>I'm in college now to design websites, and when I'm done, I'm going to create one with that book (the whole reason I started) and I know it will be a healing experience for me, I hope you find peace in your situation and your children find acceptance.<p>Hugs, Dana

DanaB -<p>I really appreciate you coming back to MB to answer my post. <p>It is hard to accept the OW while you're still married for the sake of the kids and their relationship with their dad. It makes me think that they'll think it's ok to date while you're married because their dad did it and mom went along. <p>Well, that's actually not the case. I was adviced that it would be ok to show the kids that I was sad that daddy wasn't living here anymore. And I think they will attribute the pain they are feeling to dad as they get older.<p>I just hate the negative psycological effects that are occuring in the children because of my WH's selfish bad acts. I know that I will have them half of the time and maybe more if WH ever cools down and eventually spends more time with OW and her kids, so I can counter act that somewhat.<p>We have to have such incredible trust in God that He'll see us and our children through. It's amazing, but I'm getting there.<p>If you ever want to list a few highlights/pointers from your book to be that you think may help. They'll be more than welcome.<p>I wish you all the best with school. It sounds like you have a great life ahead of you. Enjoy your kids and good luck with the website/book. K

Hi K,<p>I'm no expert, believe me, I just can write about what I went through, how it felt and how I handled it. I can share my mistakes and help others find comfort to know that they are not alone.<p>In reality, you will be the bigger person if you show your kids acceptance. You don't have to say, ya, it's ok that daddy cheated on me and is now with this horrible other woman who ruined your life, but you can say, I'm sorry daddy isn't here, it is not what I wanted out of life, and I wish things were different. <p>When the kids are older, and maybe not even until they get married, or have troubled relationships, you can tell them the truth,when they are old enough to understand.<p>Kids are smarter than you think and my kids started out liking OW and now they hate her!<p>I wish you the best of luck with the situation, it is not hard, this time, 2 summers ago, I was sitting on the soccer field with OW and MY HUSBAND. It was disgusting, I was sick over it. <p>Hang in there...hugs, Dana