My spouse attacked me this morning, not <BR>really serious, intending to cause me a bit of discomfort, but ended up either breaking my finger or just badly bruising it (one can't tell without an x-ray and they don't do anything different for broken fingers so it didn't seem worthwhile to go in.)<BR>(She slammed the door on me as I was leaving, trying to hit me with it, but my hand was still inside the room when the rest of me wasnt.)<BR>Should I have her charged with assault or just forget about it or what is an appropriate response? (We had been shouting at each other and I couldn't take it anymore - I tend to choose flight over fight when we get angry at each other.)

Moi,<P>If she slammed the door while you were leaving, it doesn't sound like she intended to hit you, the finger was probably an accident. If you charge her with assault you would have a very hard time proving the case.<P>The appropriate response would be to get marriage councelling, it sounds like you both have some anger issues to deal with.<P>By the way, don't hold the broken finger over her as a guilt trip, it will only make matters worse. Treat it as a wake up call for your marriage. When she feels safe that you are not going to retaliate, she will probably apologize for it. The appropriate response then is for you to accept the apology graciously. <P>Good luck,<BR>Kenneth

Um... more details please. How did she attack you? What do you mean by uncomfortable? Has this happened before? What did she do/say afterwards?<P>When violence is a continual problem in a relationship, it becomes "normal". Pressing charges will de-normalize it. However, if this was an accident, where she didn't realize your fingers were on the doorframe, criminally prosecuting her will drive an enormous wedge into your marriage that may never heal. <P>I'm a strong believer in running away from violent relationships as soon as possible, but from your post I can't tell if yours is a violent relationship or an accidentally violent morning.

She intended to have the door hit me I believe, since she started slamming it before I was even close to through. I don't believe she intended more than to have it hit my back and cause a minor amount of discomfort; I tried to spin to catch the door and caught it with just my finger.<BR>She has sometimes cornered me to shout at me and physically prevented me from leaving (at which point I panic - I am a touch claustraphobic - and I will push, hit or do anything to get away - I can manage the panic if she doesn't shout, but if she yells at me then I can't keep it down, and have hit her on two occasions when I was physically prevented from getting away - we have discussed the panic before and she very seldomly prevents me from leaving now).<BR>I just don't want this to build into something more (not sure if this is the tip of the iceberg or if it is nothing.)<BR>We have tried counseling twice, and neither time seemed to help - however, some of Dr Harley's techniques seem better than anything that was suggested for us, as do some of the divorce busters techniques. I will try to acquire the His Needs, Her Needs book locally here.

Moi--<P>If you both don't learn control of your own emotions, you WILL end up hurting each other. You've hit her in the past. She's hurt your finger, and you're probably right/she wanted to slam your back with the door. <P>You've described how she's blocked your escape. You are a "silent steamer," and she is an "explosive boiler." <P>A "silent steamer" has these traits: 1) Rarely if ever express their negative feelings; 2) Seldom fight, but intead live with constant tension; 3) Often feel that they are walking on eggshells; 4) Typically brush issues under the rug rather than face them.<P>"Explosive boilers": 1) Argue about the same things over and over again, but get nowhere; 2) Have discussions that often get out of the control and leave both partners angrier than when they started; 3) Are seldom able to reach satisfying resolutions about common issues (e.g., money, household tasks); 4) Have repetitious fights about "stupid little things."<P>This is from a book called "We Can Work It Out--How To Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love For Each Other," by Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman, both Ph.D's. <P>I HIGHLY recommend it. It follows the same guidelines as Dr. Harley's material, and explains the inner-workings behind arguments, and how to turn the tide. One of the ideas included is "express first; resolve second." Also, when a discussion turns to disagreement, it can still continue in a healthy manner with the proper communication tools. If it escalates into an argument, STOP, and return to the discussion when emotions have settled again.<P>There's also an interesting exercise with the use of hand-made index cards to help understand each other's viewpoints during a discussion.<P>Harley's love bank is described as your "relationship bank account." <P>There is a test included for conflict predictions. We learned that my tendency is to pursue. H tends to withdraw. And yet we have similar strong emotional arousal during conflict. Lesson learned: we're sitting on a powder keg when we engage in an argument. Our job, as it also sounds in your case, is to refine our communication skills so we don't explode. We can do this by taking time-outs, and KNOWING how our comments will affect each other. Many times our translations of what was just said take a conversation wayyyyy off subject, then all of a sudden we're arguing about something light years away from the actual conversation. Not good.<P>This book is a gem. If you order it, use it in conjunction with Dr. Harley's materials--they blend beautifully and provide a bit more education into the art of actually communicating effectively.