I don't know whether there is anyone else out<BR>there that feels as if their past has caught up with them but I sure do. I met a man<BR>18 months ago who seemed just perfect- everything my abusive ex-husband wasn't.<BR>I told him about my abusive childhood (physical and emotional)and my abusive marriage and other relationship. He seemed to<BR>really understand and said he would support me and that things would never change. I trusted what he said and as trust is a huge<BR>issue for adults who have been abused as <BR>children it was devestating when everything<BR>he promised fell by the wayside. We married<BR>last October and things have gone downhill since then. Whatever I have done to resolve<BR>conflict never seems to work and whatever<BR>committments he makes to never yell at me any<BR>more, not to become defensive when we discuss<BR>and issue fall by the wayside. This causes<BR>extreme anxiety in me and trust is broken.<BR>It's at the stage now where my feelings<BR>are disappearing and as the marriage is only<BR>four months down the track, itis so sad that it seems doomed.<BR>I also have to deal on a daily basis with<BR>a terminally ill emotionally abusive mother<BR>(yes, she still does it!) and an alcoholic<BR>father. All the past is relived in technicolor when my husband is yelling,<BR>or is cold and unsupportive.It takes days, sometimes weeks to be somewhat normal again. I'd like to hear from others who have suffered childhood abuse and find conflict in their adult relationships over issues<BR>such as trust.

Hi Sophie,<BR>Read my post, cuz it seems to go right along with yours. I just wonder if it is a boundry issue, and what we really should open up to. My thoughts have really changed on this issue, becuase no, I do not have a trust issue, but the majority of people I know, as in my girlfriends do NOT tell everything to their spouse. I trust...but I just don't know what needs to be said...kinda like the saying, if your fighting with your husband, you don't tell your family cuz they never forget, but you tell your friends, cuz they will forget or it won't matter as much. Maybe we need to tell our therapists or friends and not our husbands. Same type of thing. I know my x husband I told things to and he just couldn't handle it. And although I felt good for opening up and being honest, those things that had happened in the past made him worry and...once again, like if you cheated on your husband and it was a one time mistake never to be repeated and you felt guilty and told him, you just shoved your guilt to him and even though you felt better cuz you got it off your chest, now he has to live with it and deal with it. I just don't know anymore, but I am starting to believe it is a boundry issue and not so much a trust issue. I may be wrong here, but I myself am confused. Growing up myself in a alcholic family, I know my boundries were damaged quite abit. But I did (I think) learn (maybe) something from my x-husband. But I don't know. Sorry if this just confused you more!

I don't know how much help I can be, but, yes, I do believe your past can catch up with you. Mine certainly did. I come from a VERY abusive family life. I find that when the yelling starts that I cannot walk away. I know that is what I should do, but I am just not able to. I am in therapy now, trying to deal with some of the issues that I never dealt with as a child. I am learning coping mechanisms that help. Unfortunately, they don't always come to the surface when I need them. I still fall into the patterns of anger and violence from the past. It is a long struggle, and some days are better than others, but I will continue to work on these issues. As my life is falling apart around my ears right now, I can't really offer any good advice or feel as if I can be of much help, but I felt compelled to write to you. I do know how you feel. I have felt the very same way myself.

I'm gonna chime in here because I'm married to a woman who has a troubled past. I've had to learn alot about relationships, human behavior, etc in order to deal with this problem. My wife has said that she was sex. abused as a little girl by her g-dad. Along with this she blames her mother, syaing that she knew that this went on but never doing anything about it. I have realized that deep down inside this monster lives within her and when it surfaces, she justs swallows it back down and doesn't deal with it. I grew up having a wonderful childhood and having a close-knit family. I have been so taken back with how she interacts with her family and how she has a knack of sabatoging our marriage in subtle ways. Before she told me about her past, I was convinced that our problems were all about me. That it was my fault that I couldn't please her, meet her needs. It partially was because in my past relationships I didn't have to nurture my mate in such a way because they grew up in normal, healthy environment. My past mates weren't depressed, they weren't paranoid, they trusted me out of faith. With my past mates, you were innocent until proven guilty. In my marriage its quite the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to bash anyone or label anyone. The main ingredient for success for me was to come to a realization that her past is NOT my fault. I also cannot make her love herself, only try very very hard to make her feel loved and wanted (which I love to do anyway). And most of all be patient and do not take it personally. Even though she needs alot, and is very high maintenance, I try ever so hard to meet those needs and yes our marriage has bloomed. But I know that monster still lives down there in her soul and can come up at any moment.

Thanks for this info txfiddler. It's great<BR>to hear from a man as nurturing as you are. I'm going to show your reply to my husband<BR>so that he feels that he isn't alone in <BR>his frustrations. God bless!

Hi Sophie,<P>I am a male and come from an abusive childhood too mine was physical and emotional...I still find it a little difficult to write about it not knowing what to say in case it sounds complaining or unreal...I was beaten with wire and other things that were handy battens saplings etc and constantly called a useless no good son of a b.tch...made to work all night plowing fields aged 12....made to wear holed and torn clothes to school...laughed at scorned and ridiculed...had 15 minutes to get home from school 3 miles so had to hitch a ride with other kids on horseback or bicycles or just hope he wasnt home when I got home...<P>To watch your mother watch as you got beaten not lifting a finger to stop it...made me have a hatred for women and a fear of loving them cos they could not be trusted..... it affected my relationships. <P>I did get married and I became a philanderer cheating on my W many times and telling her, watching her break her heart and not feeling a thing....no guilt whatsoever...no remorse...<P>I think it was my revenge on women and when she left me some years later it hurt so much, with bouts of extreme anger helplessness and self pity.... thoughts of suicide became attractive, thankfully I went into intensive therapy and counselling...long road back but it worked...I learned so much about psychology and how I functioned and why....<P>Only then did remorse and the devastation of what I had become hit me in the face...we did get our marriage back together and I think I felt I owed her so did everything in my power to make that up...I was never cruel to her physically but was cruel and hard on her emotionally and mentally....but with help understanding and working on myself and studying that all changed and we are happyier now than we have ever been and have a good relationship with our 3 kids grown and left home now....<P>Can trust return ..? yes it can...hers did ..and so did mine...but it took work on both our parts...we did have to face our inner demons head on...<P>Have faith the journey ahead is rough but it also leads somewhere and none of the experiences along the way are wasted....travel a bit each day...small steps one at a time and you do get the rewards, its worth every little step...<P>blessings<P>cossie<BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....