snl,<p>"maybe you could write one about the policy of radical dishonesty"<p>Ok, here's my book...<p>Other people aren't on this planet to solve your problems for you, make decisions for you, or save you from yourself.

With my experience with my WH, he doesn't feel any remorse or guilt for his sexual affair with a woman who has had 2 sexual affairs in her marriage. My WH is basically in the same boots as his sexual bomb. Hey, we had fun, used our BS for making money, (I run SNL business), take time away from their family, my WH didn't even go to his sons saxophone concert, (he was too busy talking to his sex bomb right after their sexual encounter. WH made me lie to our son about not coming and say he was installing a furnace. Which was not true, he was home talking to sex bomb. Same thing happened this year, WH said he was installing a furnace. Do you see the pattern of many WS's (SNL) for sure. Hey, have the fun, get great sex, get great emotional need, etc. The BS sits at home and does their job, keeps things flowing while the WS gets their joys with the OP. In my situation, SNL doesn't show anything. The after the affair book says that you should sit down with all the kids together and express your remorse and guilt. How you hate the hurt that you have caused the family. And really ask for forgiveness from the family. SNL tells me he won't do that, and he is becoming more and more distant from all of us here. <p>After the Affair book, describes that a WS who really feels remorse and guilt, will be a better person. A marriage has a very good chance of surviving, both parties need to change some. SNL continuously says, he is not changing, he likes himself the way he is. That is why we are where we are. SNL is cold, doesn't show much compassion, when I called him to tell him I was following the ambulance to the hospital with our oldest daughter in the ambulance (in another distant state) he had so much anger at me. Telling me I can't take care of our oldest daughter. Telling me that I am not responsible, why aren't you watching her, why aren't you making sure she drinks H20, etc. (Daughter is 23) and I was at a horse jumping show with her. This happened 3 years ago, I as at a horse jumping show with her, and the horse lost footing and daughter fell off horse and horse struck her body in 3 places with his hoofs. I dealt with watching our daughter get run over by a huge animal and laying on the ground not moving. SNL gave me criticizm frontward and backwards. I walked into the emergency room with such hatred towards SNL that I cried to Cindy the nurse. I told her what my WH was saying to me and how controlling he is, and how he puts me down all the time. She saw that I was upset. I had to call from the hospital to get the new insurance data. WH answered the phone and while I am in the room with our daughter, SNL gets on me that why didn't you get the card while you were home. Just got this new insurance. He is saying to me, I can't deal with anyone who can't take control and do things they are told. SNL doesn't have control over his stuff, I have to hand it to him. I asked him to look for the insurance. He can't find it. So we have to fax the stuff back. I came home today and there behold the insurance is right on the counter, where I said it was. He accused me of filing it, misplacing it. No apology when I said it is right here, nothing. All he said was he was upset, and no showing of love or concern towards me, having to deal with this all by myself. Later when I was done at the hospital and driving on the expressway to the airport, 4 hours away, SNL tells me I did a good job. <p>I feel most WS's don't care, don't want to, don't feel any need for remorse or guilt. It is a shame, and the way my WH states vows are nothing but a piece of paper. Wish I knew that 24 years ago. Hope he is radically honest with whomever he gets with. This man was not radically honest from the start and as you can read, he to this day is lieing. REMORSE & GUILT are gifts from God, those who don't have it have the devil in their hearts.

I'm very sorry about what BS's have gone through here. I realize it is as just likely that they were mistreated, abused, lied to as I was. I did have a huge amount of remorse and guilt at one time. The long timers here can attest to that. I was punished mercilessly for over a year by my ex in a so-called recovery attempt before he got tired of it and found someone new himself. In fact, it was not a recovery attempt at all. It was him unleashing his anger at the world (which existed long before I met him) by pummeling me at my most vulnerable. He didn't deserve my honesty. There are other so-called BS's out there who also do NOT deserve honesty. <p>What you see now is a person who is fed up with the self-flagellation just to satisfy a BS's sense of justice. I won't be radically honest about my past marriage with someone in the future because I've DONE MY TIME. When my ex decided to divorce me, he liberated me from a life time of making it up to him. I'm free to make decisions about my life without him tearing me down. I've been released from having to say I'm sorry every damn day for the rest of my life. At one time, I did feel a huge amount of remorse for hurting him. Not anymore. Not after he repeatedly showed me that I was not worthy of being treated as a human being unless I obeyed him and did as I was told. No, the only thing I feel sorry about is not having the courage to leave him before I got to that state. I know better now. <p>I refuse to have someone looking over my shoulder the rest of my life--worried that I will cheat on them--in order to be in a relationship. If that means I have to lie about my past marriage, then that is what I will do. Please know, that this decision has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of remorse or guilt I had. It has everything to do with what I consider as my RIGHT to a future FREE from incrimination for a "crime" I've already suffered enough for.<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: TheStudent ]</p>

TS, i understand your point, and you will certainly live a more free life. . . .<p>and there is no reason to get married anymore, so why not just live your life and enjoy your freedom?<p>I understand that point of view and may even adopt it myself. . . .<p>i just hope that in the next 20 years, you might mellow a little, and hopefully find a companion that you can hang out with occassionally
and have fun with, but not depend upon, but have fun with as often as you want. . . .<p>good luck. . .<p>wiftty

hey ts, I think I found the key to your unbridled anger, one of the consequences of being a good co-dependant is anger, is complicated to explain, and you may not care anyways at this point...but if you are ever curious about more depth in why people do what they do...try looking over co-dependent no more by beattie, quite interesting .....especially for strong personalities who can't believe they fell into this behavioural trap.<p>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...46/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_2/002-3459210-5872839

snl,<p>You mention that one of the consequences of co-dependency is anger--and suggest that is where my anger comes from. Hate to disappoint you, but that is not the source of my anger.<p>The source of my anger is wasting 8 yrs of my life on a man who told me before getting married, indeed, before even starting a serious relationship with me, that he would support my goals to get a graduate education. I went along for quite sometime believing he would follow through, and had many reasons to believe he would--of course, delaying my goals in the process. This is not co-dependent. That is part of the negotiations that any REAL relationship would require. Had he been honest about his goals prior to getting involved with me, we wouldn't have had this problem. However, he lied to me. He had no real intention of having a partnership, and when I finally called his bluff, he decided he'd whip out every tactic he could find to discourage me. The ONLY thing that kept me in this relationship as long as I did was a marriage commitment and frankly--SHOCK--that I could believe his lies to begin with. <p>So then, I come here, and you wouldn't believe the garbage I hear. The BS vultures flying by to pick at your bones. The never ending "encouragement" to deal with his abuse--as it is part of the consequences--and all that crap. Of course, nobody REALLY believes you, cause you're supposedly in the fog, blah, blah. You'd think that being cheated on is a promotion to sainthood or something. Then of course, when I tell people that my first H cheated on me with 20 different women, boy, the room does get quiet. Yea, I know what it is like to be cheated on too. So, where's my friggin' halo?!<p>Co-dependency? Naah. Try just being sick and tired of hearing different descriptions of the meat-grinder design that WS's are supposed to subject themselves to in order to prove they have a conscience. and it NEVER ENDS! Even after a divorce, I'm supposed to be "radically honest" and get all remorseful and guilt ridden with someone new, just to prove how responsible I am. Screw that. Shoot, I'm living proof that a BS can be a WS too someday. I won't spend one second of one day grovelling to someone new or jumping through any hoops to prove I can be faithful--no more than anyone else has to, that is.