I had to start a new post with all of WH's latest antics.<p>But first, does the Easter acceptance you are reffering to mean what I think it means? <p>Easter was when my in laws started allowing OW in their home like one of the family - Barf! So much for Easter being a religious holiday....<p>So you like Plan B - I know you would. I'm doing a Plan B too. Love it! I'm trying to find soontob_alone because she went through a similar situation and I ran across one of her old posts. <p>There was a book she read - Sudden Endings:Wife Rejection in Happy Marriages - that I just ordered, but it sounds like my situation for sure. It's liek a psychosis or something, when the WH takes everything out on the wife/spouse.<p>My WH is purposely trying to make my life a living - well you know. He wants to punish me for not giving him my seal of approval of his behavior and letting him have his way with everything. And if he thinks I'm angry, then it releases him from guilt.<p>WH is now openly living with OW. Takes the kids around her ALL the time that he has them. Makes her talk to the kids on the phone when they call him at night. <p>They are both so much in lala land.<p>I won't talk to WH in person, only through a 3rd party and thru e-mail which I only check after the kids are in bed. <p>This arrangement is unacceptable to him to say the least, a nd he refuses to talk through my 3rd party. It's driving him so crazy that he is cancelling my cell phone, and our housekeeper. Ok, I know that no one is going to cry over that one, but WH is a DOCTOR - and he just got a job paying almost twice as much as the one he had before the separation - he's just doing this to be mean. He likes to threaten me with - if I can't handle it then I should just give in and give the kids to him all the time and he'll pay someone(not me) to watch them. He is trying to break me. And OW already thinks I'm a spoiled brat. Of course once she gets a taste of reality with WH, she'll change her tune.<p>I've asked him to give me a day's notice when he wants to see the kids so that we can make arrangements - I may have plans with them or something. He REFUSES to do this - he wants me to plan everything like I always did in the marriage - and this I will NOT do. So as a consequence, he doesn't see the kids and blames me for it. And he tells our 7 year old that it is mommy's fault that he can't come over to see him. It's disgusting.<p>So of course the 7 year old now likes to go around saying he doesn've love me - that he loves the OW and wants to live with dad's family( dad is not even divorced yet). Children that don't have good relationships with their mothers end up like my WH - so my oldest is already heading down the wrong track. I'm not too worried about my relationship with son. I know OW can't keep up the goody two shoes act forever, but when she stops my son will be crushed. <p>I also am reading all the good kid books like How To Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child - it's great! I also have the James Dobson book about raising boys and Raising Cain. I know WH won't lift a cover, and I can already see all the damaging behaviors he's exhibiting to the boys, which worries me but I'm hoping that I can counter act some of it.<p>Anyway, WH has demanded that I produce all the children tomorrow ( even the baby, who he hasn't seen all that much and he says I better provide breast milk or he'll use formula ). <p>Our attorneys are supposed to be working out a schedule until the end of April when we have the divorce hearing. But WH says he won't go through attorneys either. WH won't go through any 3rd party to discuss anything - HMMMM I wonder why. <p>WH is also talking about selling the house and changing the kids school - to the school where OW has her kids at school- I'm betting so that she can drive them all to school together. I told him I need to discuss those issues with a 3rd party, but he refuses once again. WH did say that he'd have to find someone to take care of his kids for them if I couldn't.<p>This is like the twilight zone!<p>Just trying to hold it together until the court date! K<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

K,
But don't you know that his behaviour is all our fault, after all you made him do what he did!!!!<p>Really and truly I am so sorry for all you and your children are goin through. It IS a nightmare for all and causes everlasting damage to the children. Read Wallerstein's new book on divorce and how it affects children. <p>Your WH soulnds as if he is not only out to destroy you, but to use the kids to wage his war against you. Is this the first time you have really said "no" to him and stood up to him?<p>My children have been permanently damaged by the high conflict ...and yet WH and I do not speak to each other. He refuses to call me and will not communicate regarding the children, which has caused huge problems.....sounds similar to your situation.When I have spoken to him on the phone...maybe 10 X in 3 years, I have been firm in my boundaries and he cannot manipulate me to get what he wants; I have also been civil and polite, but he has then told the kids that I was aggressive and rude on the phone etc. My WH is a pathological liar in addition to his other less than desirable traits.<p>Use the 3rd party to communicate until you are strong enough to withstand his manipluative onslought to get what he wants. His threats are just that... attempts to diminish you and destroy you, which are meaningless unles you buy into them and react s he wants you to . <p>My WH also insisted that he would take the kids and a housekeeper will take care of them.....OW who lives with him does not have custody of her child born when she was 16; the father,also a teen at the time 14 years ago is raising her.<p>You need to know ALL your rights under the law. He cannot make decisions without you, as youprobably cannot without him in terms of selling the house, where they go to school etc.<p>Just because he is a DOCTOR, does not make his parenting, behaviour etc OK. If you let him get to you he will as he knows which buttons to push. Side step and ignore the threats,but protect yourself legally and emotioanlly as best you can.<p>Your H,not you, is fighting for his reputation,his new sense of priorities etc.<p>Be proactive. Talk to school regarding the kids and their adjustment,get them to therapy if you can, work out a parenting plan that makes sense for your children,not you or your husband and let your lawyer work withyou.<p>I am so sorry that the kids are the pawns, but there is not too much you can do to stop this.<p>How long have you been separated?
What has WH done as a parent for the kids, not as "uncle dad" Keep a record.<p>Take time for you.

sorry...double post [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</p>

Thanks for the reply.<p>I have read Wallersteins book and gave it to WH to read - he says he doesn't agree with it. In his opinion his kids don't apply to the normal studies or to anything a therapist says - his kids are exceptional and only he knows what they need. Funny, he has only been around the past seven months out of the past 7 years, and he suddenly knows what's best - even over me.<p>[D-day:8/24/02 - with nurse asst. OW(33 yrs; kids 4 and 8 (girls), divorced her H 3/02, who had also been married 10 years and together 13 yrs); Married 9 1/2 yrs, together 13 years; ME: 30, WH:30; Kids: 3boys(7 1/2,6,3), one girl(6 weeks); I've Plan A'd and Plan B'd - divorce to be final on 4/30/02.]<p>WH likes to say that I'm the one screwing up the kids, when all the bad behavior is coming from him. I can't wait until the divorce hearing, neither the kdis or I can take much more. This selfishness caused by the A is incredible.<p>If you have any words of wisdom on how to help the kdis deal with this or anything that would help with the court case, please let me know. Thanks! K

Hi K-<p>I guess I was being too optimistic in hoping that no news is good news. I am sorry to hear that your WH is up to no good again.<p>You have already been given some very good advice. Definately get your lawyer involved where the kids are concerned, especially the baby. I find it hard to believe that he can just wisk her off. Furthermore, from what I know of him, she is simply another way to get at you. He knows that you have offered to let him spend time with him, but he hasn't. Now in an effort to hurt you he is demanding her. I think the law may have other ideas. <p>Your WH simply is not the king of his world therefore, he to must abide by the law. It is really too bad that you won't have a set visitation agreement until you go to tial for the final divorce. It really has helped me. Granted, they can still try to change and control things, but at least you have a legal, binding document to hold against them. <p>As for me, yes acceptance meant that they spent time with both families over Easter - make me ill! I keep reminding myself that acceptance is a major determent in A's, so it's another piece of reality and they definately need reality. I guess it bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about it so I am letting it go.<p>I am not totally in Plan B because I have talked to him, but I have not talked to him about anything other than mandatory kid stuff and it has only been once in a week and a half. It really is great. It is helping me heal the final wounds and detatch completely. <p>I wish you the best of luck. Keep reaffirming yourself. You are doing a great job and he can't change that. Protect those kids and keep us posted!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

I have a 9yo son who was only 2 when his dad left. Granted the child has his own set of problems but he definitely seems to emulate his father's behavior where I am concerned. And I detest it.<p>X has told me that it is his goal to make my life hell. And he's said other such lovely things in front of the children. <p>Any wonder why, after all these years, I won't give up taking them to therapy.<p>Don't talk to the man. Your attorney can call his attorney. I hope you are asking for legal fees and a cut of his retirement. And every other crumb you can get out of this man. He's an even bigger jerk than my x. And he keeps getting bigger every month. (He is such a dork - in the brain and in the flesh. At least he sends the money pretty much on time.)<p>((((((((((K))))))))))<p>I hope it really does get better on April 30. You deserve it.

Thanks Cinderella!<p>The first words out of WH's mouth when he picked up the kids today was "I want my daughter." (You know he never uses her name - it's always "my daughter." Although he started a PA when he found out I was pregnant, left when I was 2 months pregnant, never lifted a finger to help me while I was pregnant, and I can count the number of times he asked about the baby's health on one hand - I almost had a miscarriage early on, and the same goes for how many times he asked about my health while I was pregnant)<p>I didn't give her to him. He was just going to take her and not give her back! She's only 6 weeks old and I'm breastfeeding.<p>I've said he can see her - I just have to be there.<p>Anyway, he now says he doesn't know when he'll return the other three kids - maybe next week he says.....<p>Why me??????<p>When I read Sudden Endings: Wife Rejestion in a Happy Marriage, I'll post what I've learned. It seems there is an actual behavior pattern where the H takes out everything on the W and makes her life hell. Sorry to hear you're going through this too. I guess the child therapist will be around for the long haul.<p>K<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

God is in control,<p>WOW, I just had to respond. I dont think anyone realizes what it is like to be married to a Doctor. They see the financial perk and think How cool. It can be a living Hell.
Doctors go through YEARS of training, part of that is to always show confidence and exert self asureness. And they HATE to be wrong...ever. They cannot separate their personal life from the professional life. It carries over. Some, depending which coast they were trained on feel women are not as smart as they are, and get VERY irritated if a Nurse or Wife questions their actions (orders). They go through this training. I have seen it as a RN, and the wife of a Doctor.<p>K, Your H's relationship will not last with the Nurses asst. I dont care, if your D finalizes or not. It will not last. Doctors do not marry Nursing asst (they marry RN's) but not assts. They have nothing in common..on any level. You and your H have 4 Children in common, that is a fact, no matter how you look at it that is the fact. I KNOW for a fact your H doing this while you were pregnant is not going to get him anything but the latest hospital gossip. Trust me when I say he will not be looked at with any kind of respect, from nurses or colleages.
I know alot of Doctors that are in horrible marriages and they stick it out. most Doctors have problem marriages (for reasons I listed above) and the EGO thing they all tend to possess. Your H behavior will make him the butt of all jokes, and he KNOWS IT. Dont think for a minute it is all rosey. Is that why he changed jobs?? and wants kids out of their "norm".<p>My H had the the same behavior your H did when he came from the east coast to the west coast (for fellowship) Man did everyone HATE him, he was pompus know it all. Well it took about 4 years and alot of stress he realized he was out of line.
He was 33 years old by then. It still took a few before he respected the nurses. He failed at marriage (because he cheated with all the nurses that came on to him) thank goodness there were no kids (she left him).
fast forward few years we are now married. We have a child. He had a short EA with a RN (I found out and left him that day)
well I refused to come home till either he went off staff at that hospital, or she quit. She also married calling me at my hotel begging me not to tell her H, that they were Just friends and nothing happened. I told her I did not care about her marriage only mine, and I stood my ground. She resigned the following day (If H left she would have been layed off anyway along with alot of others) H was no 1 admitter to that unit.<p>Your H is going to be in such a rage when it comes to the D. You have 4 kids, and you had to have been with during his residency and schooling.
My H XW got a TON for projected earnings 0ver 7K a month (they had NO KIDS). make sure you have a really good lawyer. I say this because this is ONE THING HUBBY cannot control. The fights it will cause with his OW, she will complain..he will complain Night mare. YOU EARNED IT. YOU deserve the alimoney and the child support.
I always tell my H that when he complained how much he had to give his XW. I told him she deserved it. If he continues the abuse (emotional)
ask for a restraining order for you. K, you just had a baby you do not need NOR DO YOU deserve any of this. Move on with YOU, as soon as you feel better, join a club and get out. THIS WILL MAKE HIM NUTS. My H (controlling too) works all the time. Sometimes I will go out to dinner with my sister or a friend. HE HIT's THE ROOF. He would prefer me to be home alone (mind you I carry a cell and pager). Doctors like to CONTROL their total enviorment. I think it makes up for not being able to control the out come in alot of their patients (no matter how hard the try) Medicine is a VERY GRAY field, and the public EXPECTS DOCTORS to be Concrete and black and white. It is not a reality, and alot of doctors are leaving medicine because of it (constant law suits). Your H deals with alot of stress and things he cannot control. YOU he seems to be able to control. My H and I suffer this. I dont allow it. It causes stress in the marriage, but opens communcation. H reason for the EA (which he call only a friendship [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) was He could not tell me everything. I would not always agree with him, but some Doctor struck nurse would...DUH..
I wish you luck, I am sorry that your daughters life had to be started this way. Give her lots of love, and give yourself lots of love too. Phooey with the controlling magot. Let him control his OW for awhile. I cant wait when he starts comparing his kids to hers ( Doctors always think they are genetic wonders). Take care of YOU, Crushed
sorry it was so long

Dear K,<p>I feel so bad for you and your kids! You are going thru a living nightmare. I am married to a DR too and you're right, most people, esp. women thingk that its a great life all the time. They don't even realize all the time away from the family that this career imposes on us. This is what gave my FWH plenty of time to carry on w/ OW, he told me he was working! Don't worry, soon enough the OW will get what she deserves in your H, he will show his true colors to her and so will she. If she's a golddigger, she may leach on to him for awhile tho.<p>I think there's good advice in these posts, esp. about calling your lawyer. Let him deal with this jerk, that's what your paying him for anyway. I would also call local police and see if you can get a restraining order on him until you case comes up in court. What he is doing is harrassment, pure and simple. <p>Its so sad how he is screwing up your poor kids. I admire your restraint in not talking badly about him to them, even tho I'm sure that must be so hard to resist, esp. since he speaks so unkindly of you. He acts like those kids are his property! I hope your lawyer is a damn good one, it sounds like you really need one to be able to counter his cruel actions. You do have PLENTY of rights, and I sincerely you will go for all that you can, because he will probably continue to be a jerk after the D, and being nice to him in hopes that he will return the favor will get you nothing but contempt from a man with this kind of attitude. He will see you as weak, and that will just encourage him to be even more hateful and difficult.<p>Please be strong and don't let him wear you down. I will say a prayer for you, Take care, C

You have recieved such wisdom that I hesitate to add, but I must.<p>My H's partner's D was a mud slinger and his own falt. His xW was smart and I wanted to share this with you.<p>First of all she got a mediator to help the court with visitation. She always played the "nice" person and let her lawyer do ALL the dirty work, this was her lawyers idea. He said to let the anger transfer to him. She and the kids were in counseling this whole time. The Theripist can work with a mediator. It will only make your H look bad if he does not go along with this.<p>In the end, the H had shown his true self "in court", trying to tell the Judge what to do etc. His xW got more than she even emagined. He is a good Doctor but a moron as a man. He has lost so much respect from his actions. <p>There is a fine line between being a whining victim and one who trying to hold your head up and maintain your self-respect. Please get a good Theripist to help you do this.<p>I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you, your H is a troubled and sick man. PITY him.

Gosh,
I cannot believe how many here are married to Doctors. It is such a different life (meaning the stress and all).
Do any of you know of any support boards for doctors wives (other than the ones that have all the residents wives). I mean a board for those already established in practice and dealing with all the junk we have too. long hours the stress of business, and the never ending nurses that have to get a doc, even if they are married??.

My H is very good looking (I am no slob) but it is constant. He deals with the come on's all the time. Nurses will call my home and talk down to me. Once my H told one of them, My W worked with the leaders in this field. She teaches me. This after she refused to tell me anything (H was in the shower, and asked for report) He was mad. <p> I am a nurse, but did not meet my H on the job. He is an old family friend. <p>I have looked for such a support board but have not been able to find one. Adultry is HUGE in medicine. The temptation is always there for these guys. WOMEN throw themselves at these men.
It does not have to be a RN, it could be a scrub Tech (yes she actually called my home and asked to speak to my H) he told her THAT it was inapproprate and if she had a question regardin cases (her reason for calling) to address it to her supervisor. And those "sell reps" Drug reps whatever [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . I was actually offered a job as a rep , was told I had the perfect look, Doctors will take the time to "talk" to me [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Told them forget it.
It is the PITS, I had ans a women on the General board name Shelia, she said she has made it her life being a "Marriage detective" I find this is what is happening to me, she is also married to a doc will this EVER END [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] . I really need such a board, the everyday dealing of this life can be so stressful. And as much as I love my husband I sometimes wonder if I would be better off leaving before he actually does have an affair.<p>Sorry I did not mean to Run off with this thread
I think only "we" the women married to these men understand the everyday dealings. I worked in the field I saw 400# short bald docs getting picked up on by attractive nurses. I have heard nurses say they only went into nursing to marry a doctor. I NEVER DATED DOCTORS I turned down many(married and single). I never mixed work with my personal life EVER. There is some sort of mystic with these men.
I hate the way I feel. Yes I went to counseling, but he felt I should leave, then proceeded to tell me I am a wonderful Dr wife, then he started complaining about HIS wife, and how she IS NOT a great dr wife. GADS I ran out of there. I am at a loss.
I wish there was a support network for us, even those divorcing, because you will always have to deal with them, and we know how holier than thou they can be. Besides I think we are unique in how they are with our children (they feel they should be as driven as they were). So many issues we deal with. I think there are other professions simular, but something happens to these guys after 8 years of college and 4 years residency plus fellowships. I hope someone can come up
with a web site. Thanks again. sorry K for putting this here

I am a physician married to a physician. While I was running my butt off between kids and work, my husband was playing with a tech. It exploded when I left the field to spend more time with the kids (EA to PA). Women do throw themselves at these guys. I have seen it over and over again (they treated me like one of the guys..sort of, and never noticed me while they would talk freely). It won't last, but get a lawyer to protect yourself. He will come around. We have a better marriage now than before. I will pray for you.

A BIG THANK YOU to everyone!<p>There really should be a site/discussion forum for wives/spouses of doctors, maybe the Americal Medical Society Alliance has something. I know I joined and get a newsletter every once in a while. If they don't then maybe someone can contact them and see if one can be started. <p>Maybe if there was one, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I knew women threw themselves at the doctors, but I never worried because my H was Catholic, loved his kids, family etc. Oh well....<p>I met WH before college and he told me on our first date that he wanted to be a doctor - I should have run the other way when I heard that...... And don't think I'm a slouch - I'm an attorney - just not a family law attorney. <p>Anyway, here I was, putting my career on hold to take care of the kids, thinking I'm being the perfect doctor's wife, when all along he's being seduced by the dark side. The problem with the OW is that although she is a nurse(and doesn't want anyone to know she had an A with a Dr.) she worked in the office where my H had an administrative position. OW handled the ACLS and PALS training - ok, you Drs. wives should know what those are (Advanced Cardiac Life Support)/(Pedicatric Advanced Life Support). So when he went into the office (normally H does shift work) he was spending all his time with her - and I knew it, but I thought they were working at their jobs - not working on each other. <p>What is sad is that this is the typical A decribed in SAA - two seemingly normal people putting love units into each pther's love bank until they are trapped. And of course WH thinks they are soul mates etc. <p>The reality is you can't have a happy marriage when your H works practically every day of the month doing 12 hour shifts which turn into 14 hours away at a time(including driving) - it turned out that he had a few hours each week to spend at home - and of course I made sure the kids saw him first because I could make the sacrifice - they couldn't. And who would want to come home to the reality of life - dirty dishes, laundry etc. after being the center of the universe at work. OW gave WH a high just like work - he went from high to high, never wanting to come back to earth to be with the rest of us. OW has now divorced her H, who seemes to be a great dad and a really nice guy - cute too, maybe cuter than my H. <p>Well, H now sees the kids as something to fight over, I may have to hire an attorney just to represent them. WH keeps demanding that I turn over the baby to him - for a unspecified amount of time. I keep telling him he can see her any time any where - I just have to be there too. This of course is totally unacceptable to him.<p>WH is trying to run away from all of the bad press, and the fogeese thing is he actually thinks he can start over in another part of town, and that this won't catch up with him there. Well, I've learned that the olderwe get, the smaller the town gets and he can't run and hide. But you can't tell him that now. <p>The mediator is great advice. My WH has never learned to negotiate- he never had to, so I've been trying to find a way to force him to negotiate and a third party is the only way because WH refuses to learn how to negotiate - he doesn't want to spend the time to do it.<p>If he would only use the four principles of negotiation.....<p>Can't say how much all this advice has helped and given me the strength to go on! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! K

I just have to reply to all of this talk about being married to doctors. Newly divorced when I talk about meeting men a lot of women tell me to look for a doctor. I guess they need to read these posts!<p>So what's my deal? My X isn't a doctor, he is a blue collar worker. In addition he is an alcoholic with a gambling addicition. He is at age 33 balding and quite stocky. I guess I would describe him as cute, but very fatherly looking. So with all of this in mind, how did he attract and keep a 21 year old college co-ed.? These things really don't make sense.<p>Well, I hope everyone is doing okay. I myself am doing quite well in spite of my screwed up X's attempts to keep my down. Have a good one!<p>Take care and God bless!
K