I'm now more than a year into this journey, my divorce final for some months now, I've healed well, there's a beautiful new relationship in my life which leaves me fulfilled and content.<p> My ex was the one who wanted the divorce, he had to go be with his soulmate and life would be wonderful once he was with her.<p> It apparently didn't last. She's gone and he's miserable, alone and regretting the actions he took. The green grass was actually brown and withered and now there's nothing.<p> The thing is I feel no victory in this, no "I told you so", just pity and sadness for the man I once loved. No, I would never want him back, I see now that our relationship had major problems before the A and it would never be "right". After all the lies, betrayl and things he did to me and my family there is nothing left.<p> Plus the love I have for the man I'm with now is too great, I would give my life for him, that is without exaggeration. With him I dream about having a family and a home, things I never thought about with my ex. Our relationship never seemed safe enough for those things.<p> I just wish he could be happy too. I never thought I would feel this way, but I do. Man, this is a very strange turn of events, one I never expected.

I am glad yuo are finally happy..and that healing has begun..sorry it hurt so much going through..but I know your wiser and understand more now than you did when it began...

I've heard the same story so many times. The WS finally realizes what they've done sometime after the divorce is final, but by that time they've caused so much pain and heartache that it's too late for the marriage.<p>The BS has healed and moved on and WS is left holding the bag.<p>That's one of the reasons that I tried so hard to save the marriage - it's like trying to keep your kids safe from harm. They don't realize wthe full import of what they are doing. However, there are some lessons that people have to learn on their own. Unfortunately, the WS hurts a whole lot of people while they are learning this one.<p>Glad to see there is hope after the divorce. I'm about to go through one this month. Not looking forward to it, but that's where life has brought us. K

Nduli2, Thanks for your recovery story. I've been going through this for over a year now, too, but still in divorce process. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. It gives me hope.<p>God is in Control, I agree. I know my WH is going to be the loser in the long run and though his behavior has been really hard on me, I worry about him. I'm also, unhappily, in divorce process, and agree it's good to hear post-divorce success stories.

Wow... what a story... It's like your ex is getting his payback for all the pain he caused you with his infidelity. It's sobering to realize the grass isn't greener, and I'm very happy that you have found new love and have been able to move on with your life. Perhaps now your ex will take the time to figure out what needs to be sorted out in his personal life and maybe improve his future relationships. We have to face ourselves and our shortcomings sooner or later in life, huh?

Yeah, Karma works I guess. Although I am surprised that the reversal is so complete. He was so happy with OW and so sure she was the answer to everything. I saw it coming, she was such a young girl and I'm sure a married man was fun to play with but she didn't want to keep him.
But what can a thirty year old man expect when chasing a girl still going to college parties and writing love notes on Winnie the Pooh stationary. It was laughable.
I'm sort of happy that this turn of events doesn't make me happy. I guess that says something okay about myself. I'm glad I'm not gloating although I have been counting on this moment for a long time. Oh well, I truly hope he learns something from this and gets help for his depression. I actually advised him to get meds, after all they helped me when I was feeling so alone. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Nduli2-<p>Your story is so inspiring. You sound so happy. I am happy for you. My WH left me almost fifteen months ago. At the time I was 3 months pregnant with our fourth child. At the time I was clueless to his A. <p>We are now divorced. He wanted it, but I filed. He is still with the OW. Like your OW she is a college girl who is either just 22 or will be soon. My X will be 33 in May. He too claims she is his soulmate. I rather doubt it. Distance has keep their relationship totally unrealistic. When it gets real I see her bailing in search of someone closer to her age with less baggage, but only time will tell.<p>In our time apart I have seen a lot of personal growth. I have accepted my part in the demise of our relationship and worked my butt off to work things out. I have put a lot of time and work into me. My X however has changed nothing. He is an alcoholic. For years I tried to play this down, but I now know it is true. We were both in denial living a twisted life of codependency. I was a total enabler. The A has made his denial stronger than ever. I know that the OW has taken on the role of enabler and caretaker already although I doubt she realizes it yet.<p>I am at a point where I realize that the A was not our problem. We had many problems before that. Although I loved my husband and part of me always will, I don't want him back. I am happy to be moving on. Your story has filled me with encouragement. Thank you!<p>I just have a couple of questions. It sounds like you have no children. Am I correct in this assumption? Also, if I'm not being too nosey, where did you meet your current love? I am having a really hard time meeting people. It seems like everybody worth meeting is already attached. Any ideas?<p>Once again. I am really happy for you. I wish you all the best. You are proof positive that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and that the grass really isn't greener for the WS.<p>Take care and God bless!<p>K

Thanks for the great story, less than 4 months before I divorce is final, mandatory 1 year waiting period. I can totally understand your situation, I have done everything I can to save me marriage, I didn't want to put my kids through this, but I can no longer continue. I will never look back, my marriage is over. Thanks for the encouragement, it gives me hope.
Dave

Thank you SR, my faith in life and my personal philosophies got me through it. I find now that I appreciate every day that I'm given on this planet so much more after such a terrible event.<p> In regards to your questions, no I have no children. We were trying to get pregnant when the A began(that might have pushed him over the edge), I really wanted to start our family after being together for ten years.<p> I met my current SO(not sure what to call him these days, I hate the term boyfriend) at the house of the friend I was staying with. He would come over a couple of times a week to visit his brother who was her roommate. He never really spoke to me until he asked me to go out for lunch out of the blue. It started as a good friendship.
One afternoon while getting ready to give my friend a ride to work he asked if I'd like to go out to a diner with him after dropping him off. I reluctantly said yes(newly divorced I wasn't really looking) and we ended up talking for about 10 hours. We stayed just friends for about two and a half months. Just doing things like walking in the park, or going to movies and we both are massive geeks so places like museums and planetariums. <p> He didn't approach me for more than kisses(nor I him) for those two months. He said he sensed I wanted to take my time and that I was afraid and he respected that. He also believes that there is no such thing as casual sex and that it's a committment to be with another person like that. He wanted to make sure I was right for him too before taking that step. Pretty refreshing for a man in my age range.<p> Now it's almost a year later and things are wonderful. He and I have made a pact to talk about anything that bothers us and never to hold back(radical honesty?) He held my hand in bankrupcy court(due to my ex having me take all the debt before leaving me for OW), has listened to me express doubts about the future due to my past, has cried along with me when I told him some of the things that happened and has encouraged and nutured my dreams. Now I am in the position to nuture his(he's a musician, I'm an artist. It's like a little bohemian love shack over here [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )and I'm so grateful for that chance.<p> This is what my marriage should have been SR. My ex had many problems and so did I. The divorce forced me to look at my role in things and I've vowed to myself to not repeat mistakes. MB has also helped with that and I've learned the harm that those little comments can do to a relationship over time.<p> Like you my ex and I were very co-dependent. He suffers from clinical depression(it runs in the family) and refuses help and I allowed it by always being afraid to demand he get help. He had a temper when confronted and so I withdrew and allowed him to suffer alone.<p> There is light at the end of this terrible tunnel. I'm there now. At one point I nearly took my life and I can only thank whoever's watching out for me that I called for help before I did it. Now I can't imagine being so selfish. <p> SR, this is a tough road and not one for the weak of heart. You sound like you are still strong and a good role model for your family. Keep hold of hope, it's there. Be good to others and yourself and you will be rewarded.

Nduli2-<p>Thanks for the quick response. Your story sounds almost like a fairytale. Here's to happy endings!<p>My kids and I are doing very well. Of course they want daddy back, but I don't and I let them know that without putting him down. I fought terribly hard to save my marriage, but my X had no interest. I can now look back with no regrets. I made mistakes, but in the end I owned up to them and really tried to fix things. <p>For a long time I held on to the vision of what our marriage could be if only he sought help, but that isn't where he is at. I had to look at reality and the reality of it is that as scarey as it sometimes is, being a single mom is a much more content life than my married one.<p>In addition to his alcoholism he suffers from never dealing with a very traumatic childhood, he also is addicted to gambling. So you see, the affair is simply another in a long line of quick fixes, although I know he doesn't see it that way at the moment.<p>I continue to work daily on me. I am getting out and doing more than I ever did when I was married. I have an awesome support system. My family and friends have been great. I hope to meet someone special, I have a lot of love to give and realize that I am worth it too. I would like to find the kind of love I should have had in my marriage, but, I am in no hurry to rush into anything.<p>It sounds like you have an awesome relationship growing. You were so wise to take things slowly and he sounds wonderful and understanding. You sound like you have weathered the storm and are a better person for it. <p>Keep in touch. There are so many of us here who can use the boost that people like you give us.<p>Take care and God bless!<p>K

You're doing a great job SR, you sound positive and surrounded by people who love you. This is a wonderful way to start your new life and to show your children that you can overcome anything with the right attitude. <p> When you're dealing with someone with an addiction or similar problem(aside from the depression mine was a spendaholic who put us over 30,000 dollars in debt) there is only so much you can do for them and with them. You did all you can for him and your relationship. It will reflect well on you in any future relationships. People know good when they see it.<p> Davepr, it's the first step and you can also go ahead knowing you did what you could. I think we who are the bs's have it a little easier as we can go ahead and not have to hide things. I can only imagine what my ex lives with daily and how approaching any new relationship will fill him with anxiety. <p> You will be okay. It will hurt when those final papers come but once they do you can close the door all the way. That's a very cool feeling.

Nduli2,<p>Congrats, I'm happy that your happy. You're right that it's not about victory. It's not. It's a shame that it happened, but it did and you moved on. I am in the process of D from my WW. I have lived with this situation for over a year. I have tried my best to fix our M, but WW does not want to try. Never has and never will. Therefore, it's time for me to move on. It's going to hurt like hell, but it's something I have to do. <p>Going through a D is nasty, but it's how you recover and fix what needs to be fixed and heal what needs to be healed and move on. Your story is a wakeup call to all those who feel that they can't make it after a D. <p>P.S. We need to hear more of these!<p>Dino

Nduli2, thanks for the positive feedback.<p>To quote SR <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My kids and I are doing very well. Of course they want daddy back, but I don't and I let them know that without putting
him down. I fought terribly hard to save my marriage, but my X had no interest. I can now look back with no regrets. I
made mistakes, but in the end I owned up to them and really tried to fix things.
<hr></blockquote><p>This is EXACTLY how I feel, I know I made mistakes in the marriage, I wan't perfect but who is, but nothing I did justified her having this A. I really tried to save this marriage, I know that getting divorced is wrong, but there is no other choice, she doesn't want to consider fixing things, she is happy, for now, with OM, and I cannot take any more pain. I also tried to take my life by in Nov of last year, but a gun to my head, I spend 3 days locked up, I am never going back to that place. I always think of this song, not sure exactly the name of it be it state " What could of been". I thought we had it all, beautiful heatly family, good job, happiness, etc never again will I have blind trust in someone...
Dave

I know the feeling Davepr, I put my pistol in my mouth at one point and was very close to pulling the trigger. I did find help in the form of an anon group called "Good Samaritans" which offered a nonjudgemental or intrusive ear for what was wrong. I was pretty isolated at the time. I had quit my job to go back to school, my family was five states away and get tired of hearing me cry. It was really back, just days upon days of wandering around the apartment in a daze.
You're right in not blindly trusting, that's never a good thing to do but don't get too jaded. Next time, make sure all lines to communication are open and recieving. That way you'll know trouble's coming before it gets there.
Ugh, I only wish all those folks out there realized what an A is capable of doing. These days it almost seems par for the course. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes, it is a sad fact that 50% of M end in D and something like 70% have A. Open communication is the key, I have learned so much from this experience but that alone does not ease the pain. I know I will never be with my W again, I love her so much, I would of done anything I could of done for her, I just wish I knew then what I known now.
It is such a helpless feeling, I know there is nothing in the world I can do to get her back, nor am I really sure that I would ever want her back, my heart still does, but my head knows better, she has so many issues she has not even begun to address for herself. I hope that one day I can
share a story like you did today... I will be so gland when I am healed, I don't think you can really began to heal when you are in Plan A or Plan B and put every ounce of energy into make your plan work to save the marriage. Today is my first day of true healing, my goal is no longer to save the marriage, it is so hard to give it up, but I am doing it as that is the best choice for me. Atleast there will be no more lies, cheating, sneaking around, etc, etc, and in time no more hurt from her. I know you have come a long way from the day you put the gun into your mouth, congratulations, you didn't take the easy way out and now you made it out of what I refer to as hell. As someone on MB recently quoted " when you are going though hell, keep going" So, that is my goal, to keep going, not to stop, and get the hell out of hell. I want a life back so bad, it has been the worst 9 1/2 months of my life,
Take care,
Dave

(((((((((((Nduli))))))))))))<p>I remember your story. I can't believe how it turns out, can you? I'm glad you found love again. Hugs, Dana