Hi guy/gals.... some of you probably know me, posting on Emotional Needs for a little over a year... W gave me draft D papers... the link I provide is a post about what the papers entailed, advise by council, Choices, and what I see as Dilemas... Your experiences may be helpful here and I would appreciate any advice you can offer... Not only on handling the D, but Plan A, or Plan B type of stuff...<p>Thanks<p>The Papers, The Lawyer, The Choices, The Dilema

GSN, it appears to me that the three strategies you identified could be characterized as "attack", "defend", or "surrender".<p>In my case, although I have no children to complicate my decisions, I choose not to burn any bridges (at least not knowingly). I believe that as long as I defend myself with facts instead of personal attacks, as long as I cooperate by fully and willingly disclosing the financial realities, as long as I do not try to "punish" my wife, I will leave the door open to reconciliation while retaining both self-respect and a clear conscience. I recognize the futility of trying to earn my wife's respect in her current state of fog, but I hope that if she ever emerges from that fog she will be able to look back at how I comported myself in the face of her attacks and lies, and she will then appreciate my self-restraint.<p>However, my approach may be little more than self-delusion. The courts operate in a world far removed from the one in which real people conduct their daily lives. What is meaningful or relevant in the eyes of the courts has little resemblance to what is meaningful or relevant in the eyes of the law, let alone what is meaningful or relevant to you or me.<p>But when all is said and done, it's the real world to which we must all return. The best advice I've got is to do whatever will make it easiest to live with yourself afterward.

((GSN))<p>First off, let me say that I usually thinks it&#8217;s best when you can work out your own arrangements. Maybe that&#8217;s because I&#8217;m from an area that is extremely conservative and very PRO-MOM. Personally I settled on a little higher CS, to get the parenting plan that I wanted and Joint Legal/Physical Custody.<p>We actually ended up negotiating our settlement on the 11th hour short of a trial. My X was extremely upset that she didn&#8217;t get what she wanted and we didn&#8217;t speak for a while but she got over it. Occasionally I still hear how &#8220;unfair&#8221; I was but reality is that if you work the numbers, I was generous.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;The Choices!
So quickly he listed options or choices as we have discussed:
1) Right up front we contact Mary&#8217;s lawyer and say that the papers are under review but that request that Mary seek counseling for a 3 month period before we file a response. Which Mary may freak out!&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Personally I wouldn&#8217;t do this but I have no idea of your situation. In my case this would of came across as being controlling.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;2) We file a response (based on the additional choices listed below) to which Mary will freak out also, we will go to court, we will then ask that counseling be recommended before preceding.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Same as above.<p>&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;3) As to the papers we did a quick calculation&#8230;. Worst case it should be $1100 CS&#8230; there is a formula used which takes in account salary, cost of living, etc. of both parties and comes up with a who pays who based on physical custody. And this is assuming that the current agreement Mary wants is affected... If I go for joint or full it all changes.. The only way we could derrive the number Mary had was if I had no cost of living (hence the card board box), I was making $180K/yr...., or he asked me: Are you a celebrity??? &#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Child support is not hard to compute in this day and age. Most all states have a formula of some kind. Plus if she has the ability to work then you can impute full-time income based upon her ability. Some states also have factors for driving distance, parenting time, etc. <p>&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;4) Since Mary is working Part Time she does have the capability to work full time&#8230;. To that aspect Spousal Support (which he says is in very rare cases where the spouse gets support and usually due to disability or inability to work) will probably not occur&#8230;.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>In my state SS is pretty much out the window.<p>&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;5) As far as Child Custody I can or could either go for full physical custody based on abandonment, joint physical custody, or ask for more visitation with her as the primary physical provider. Legal custody is as normal.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Personally, I went for Joint Physical. I know titles are for ego&#8217;s but I was actually hung up on this issue. We worked out a 2-week revolving schedule that has worked quite well. Legally I have the children 42% of the time but actually I have them around 52%. There maybe a day when I go back and fight for full custody but again with our judge I was nervous and settled.<p>&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;The health insurance no big deal&#8230; expected&#8230;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Obviously you keep the kids on your policy but as for her, I&#8217;d simply hand her a &#8220;Cobra&#8221; form and she will have the choice of continuing the insurance for up to 18 months at her expense.<p>&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;10) Transportation for girls&#8230;. Negotiation point&#8230; I can only be asked but it is unusual to have legal binding on this as part of D&#8230;. More likely to negotiate college funding! &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I missed this one in our negotiations. Basically I do all the transporting. <p>
One thing to make sure of is that you SPELL out the holidays to a &#8220;T&#8221;. Trust me on this one, you need to include Eve&#8217;s as well as Days on those type of holidays.<p>Best of luck. If you&#8217;d like to visit further you can e-mail me @ bill@salinaplaningmill.com

Was it me said come over here for a look? ANyway, Lost Husband has some wise words. Actually, I think he lives in the same state I do. (thought we were strictly "no fault"? You mean, I could argue adultery by my H??).<p>ANyway, GSN Im bumping this up again. This board is a busy one! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cantletgo:
<strong>Actually, I think he lives in the same state I do. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Don't tell me there's another Kansan on the boards? CLG, give me a shout billwb70@hotmail.com<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</p>