I haven't posted for a while, thought I was doing ok, until this morning when XH phones to tell me his dad passed away. He has been sick for many years so it is not unexpected but still very sad. XH insisted he is fine. I phoned him a bit later to see how is doing and I was quite emotional because I know how sad I felt when my dad passed away. He proceeded to tell me he is getting remarried. We haven't even been divorced for a year. I was that easily replaced, or maybe he just 'upgraded', he told me she can't have children. Needless to say I did not handle things too well. I had a dream a few weeks back that he was getting married and sort of thought the dream was preparing me, so I was not totally blown away by news, but it still hurts. My witty and nasty comment to him was 'well I hope she brings you all the joy and happiness that you brought into my life'. Not too nice hey...<p>I just have to get through this day and I don't know how....<p>Pantha

((((((Pantha)))))))))<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My witty and nasty comment to him was 'well I hope she brings you all the joy and happiness that you brought into my life'. Not too nice hey...<hr></blockquote><p>Not too shabby; certainly not worthy of self flagellation...<p>Both events suck.( The death and the marriage)<p>You know you are worthy of the best and abundance.<p>God Bless you,<p>Dan<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Thanks Dan,<p>you're always very sweet and kind. Means a lot to me....<p>Pantha

Boy Pantha, don't I know how you feel.<p>I got the same news via the Grapevine in February 2002' (only 8 mos after our Divorce).<p>Hurt like HELL. I felt the same as you, like I was so easily replaced. My ex-H is marrying the OW he left me for. She is icky, trust me on this one. <p>You didn't say in your post if your ex was marrying OW, or even if there is an OW. But I know regardless, it still hurts.<p>It gets better, Pantha. Give yourself a couple weeks to process this and get use to it. You'll then start seeing things in a more introspective way. It won't hurt so much, I promise.<p>Just know that you're not alone in how you're feeling, it's normal but still stinks.<p>Saying prayers for you to get thru this new bit of news unscathed.<p>Love to you,
Jo<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Panthat-<p>I am so sorry that you are dealing with this double loss. Even when someone is sick and death is expected even embraced it still is difficult.<p>As for your X, I was wondering the same thing as Resilient, is it the OW or someone new? Either way, he hasn't given himself enough time to deal with things.<p>I can only imagine how hard this is on you and know that I very well may be experiencing this same thing in the future. Just remember. You are a wonderful, caring, and strong woman. You have made it through so many things and this too will pass. You have to give yourself time. His A and new marriage aren't about you or replacing you for that matter, they are about him and his messed up view of himself and the world. You know as well as anyone, actually better than anyone how mixed up your X is and how many problems he is denying. That hasn't changed and therefore, his life will still be the same as always.<p>You on the other hand are making such progress. You are dealing with things and finding yourself. Although this is painful don't let it make you lose sight of how far you've come and how much better off you are. You will come out ahead in this.<p>Please hang in there and keep us posted. Have a hug from me. You will get through this!<p>Take care and God bless,
K

((((Pantha))))<p>I'm sorry for what you're going through. He isn't letting himself grieve for his father, and sounds like he didn't grieve for your marriage either. When he wakes up, snaps out of it, whatever ... he's going to be a sad and lonely man. What can we do? Pray for him, and pray for you, and that's about it.<p>Hugs & prayers,
and if time heals, may time fly,
PB

(((((((((((((((((((Pantha)))))))))))))))))<p>My dear friend. I am so sorry.<p>Sending love and healing light to you.<p>Jacky

Resilient, Still reeling, Princess and Nina thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It helps a lot to read your words... but I am really feeling worse today. Questioning everything, wondering how he proposed to her, what ring he bought her, what she looks like, maybe he'll really be happy and that I was just wrong for him. Can these thoughts stop? I know I need to stop and just accept it.<p>As for the question is he marrying OW... I asked him how can he know someone well enough to marry them after just a few months, unless he had met her while he was still with me. He told me he met her over there, so I think she is someone new, but with his ability at lieing I can't be sure. <p>I am hurting like hell today. Sometimes I feel I can just hide from the world. Just when I thought I'd got past a lot of the pain this news hits me like a ton of bricks. I was just starting to be able to concentrate at work, now all I can think about.... ugh....<p>Pantha

Pantha,<p>Ever considered that he is actually lying about this whole thing? It is just so way out there...<p>Just thought I would ask!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Nina - actually a friend of mine also feels that he could be lying to me and there is no way for me to prove it... well my response is I don't think he'd lie about something like this, but then again, am I really qualified to make that assumption when he has been lying to me for years.... if it is a lie, it is one of the sickest he has yet used. <p>When we spoke yesterday he said he was going to work (uh are you sure/ you okey?). Then later he called me on my home phone and I asked why didn't he call me on my cell because it is cheaper. He said that he no longer had my number, I asked why, he told me he erased all his numbers, why?, because I am not working anymore he tells me. Oh! I thought you were going to work this morning, I was he says, huh? (He) I'm working in my notice period. Oh! How am I supposed to contact you to sign the transfer of house ownership if you no longer have a job (cell - job perk). He was going to tell me - apparently.... When I asked him what he was going to do he tells me he is fixed up and I shouldn't worry. ugh! I think it was just after this he told me about getting married....<p>This is how this man messes with my mind....<p>Pantha

Well, I hate to say it but I know exactly what you are feeling. About a month ago my xh sent me an e-mail telling me that he and the OW are getting married in June. The kicker is that our D was final the beginning of January. This totally hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked me over. I could not believe it and still to this day I can't really believe it. He never had the courage to tell me face to face and still doesn't. He hasn't mentioned one word to me about it. Of course, I don't ask questions because I don't want to get mad and angry about it and upset over something I can't do anything about. My biggest concern has been my two boys, 6 and 2. They don't know and I am not going to tell them, that is their father's job. Some days I feel really down in the dumps still and other days I am all right. I keep telling myself, why are you getting upset about this, he treated you and the kids terribly, why take on all of the abuse again? Then I pick myself up and go on another day. There is a part of me that still cares for him but that love feeling I once had is long gone. Too much hurt over 8 years of marriage, hurt I never even saw. You are in a better situation than I am though because there are no children. I love my children so very much but there is a part of me that wishes that I didn't have them with my xh, that they didn't have to go through all of this. <p>You will get through this but of course this takes time and it is so hard going through each day. I actually had to leave work early when I read the email from my xh. I literally got sick. I have had alot of support from people here and I am trying very hard to not allow my xh to have that kind of control over me. My xh is a controller and I have lived with that for so long, it is hard to break away from it. <p>Keep your head up, think about you, take care of yourself. Don't ask your ex about the marriage or the plans or anything to do with it. It is really hard not too but we are the ones that end up getting hurt. <p>Praying is what got me through this bump and I know that you will get through too, just hang in there.<p>Kathy

Hi Pantha-<p>I am still here for you. I really feel for you. I think that although you are hurting you have to look at this rationally. You know your X hasn't dealed with his issues and you know how even though he doesn't want you he also doesn't want to let you go either. He very well may be lying or at least trying to pull you in again. You said it yourself, "This is how this man messes with my mind...." <p>I can only imagine how hard this is, but don't let him see your hurt, that's what we are here for. I know all too well what it is like to deal with an addictive personality, your X knows he can get to you and he continues to use it. Establish some boundaries and stick to them. Focus on you and the present. <p>Take care and God bless!
K

P---
So sorry for your pain. I have been preparing myself for the same thing. We are not even divorced yet and he has been living withthe OW for at least 3 months....he was very depressed in Jan and now he is justfine. I know he will marry her. <p>You can handle this... be strong!
HUGS
MAX

Pantha:<p>I'm sorry about your loss..<p>
"I was that easily replaced, or maybe he just 'upgraded', he told me she can't have children"<p>Something I'd like to share with you..He didn't 'replace' you..He could NEVER EVER replace YOU!!!<p>Maybe it's that I look at being a 'wife' as only a small part of whom I am, just like being a mother..yes, I am a mom..but that doesn't describe who I am, it doesn't define me as a person..
I am also a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin- <p>I learned this when my mother died..as I sat at her memorial service and looked out at all the people who were there..her brothers and sisters, her mother, her friends, her ex-husband, her children and grandchildren..and I realized..she was more than 'just' my mother..and even though she was a sister to 5 different people..her relationships with each of them was different..she brought different things to each of their lives..
and nobody else can replace that..none of her other sisters can replace what my mother gave them..sure they could meet some of the same things
but they couldn't replace her..<p>And even though my father remarried, and she carries the title of 'wife'..she could never replace the 20+ years he spent with my mother..
those are ir-replacable..she can never ever have those..she has a different 20+ years...but not the same 20..and their relationship is different..<p>And NEVER EVER say you gave him the 'best' years of your life..because every day; you become a better person..and the best years of your life are just beginning..I say that because of what you have learned through all of this..you've learned things about yourself and relationships that you never knew before..which makes you even better than before..and it's his loss that he won't share those years with you..it's his loss he chose not to stick around to find out how much better things can be..you have the world at your finger tips,
you can go forward with your head held high knowing that you have so much more to offer someone else--

Hi Pantha,<p>Well, I hope you are doing better today.........go to Caesar's (the shops, not the casino!!) and spend LOTS of money......get a manicure, hair done, treat yourself to a terrific spoil yourself day. It won't change things, but I have found that doing something just for ME really helps me to feel better.<p>I was wondering if you are going to the funeral for your x-FIL? <p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Firstly - I have to say - I still feel like ****...<p>AbandonedMom thank you for your reply. I don't know when he is getting married, I don't know the day and this is playing a lot on my mind. I wonder if he does things with her that we use to do together. I wonder if he loves more than he did me. I wonder if he thinks of me and compares me to her and how do I score in that area. I wonder what she looks like, what ring he might have bought her. And mostly does she love him. This is killing me.. I just can't seem to handle this. I want to know, but I don't want to know. How did he propose - maybe the worst thing that is playing on my mind. <p>I will try to pray - although I have not been very good at that lately. I think that you are lucky to have your children. Even though I know it would be bad to have had children with XH, I still wish for the children we never had.<p>still reeling thank you! yeah those boundaries... difficult at a time like this....<p>Feeling So Alone
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> ....he was very depressed in Jan and now he is justfine<hr></blockquote>
yeah this baffles me. This is probably the 'fog', when it eases I don't know, but then he will probably be in for quite a downer again. Sounds something like my XH. One day he is down and misusing drugs and alcohol and then next he has all these great philosophies on life and is so much in love and getting married. Gee - sorry if I'm sounding bitter.... I hope that things work out better for you. You are not divorce yet, and thus still have a fighting chance.<p>ThornedRose you made me cry. I am still sitting here with tissues and a red nose! Thank you! Thank you for saying that he can never replace me. That means everything right now. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>you've learned things about yourself and relationships that you never knew before..which makes you even better than before..and it's his loss that he won't share those years with you..it's his loss he chose not to stick around to find out how much better things can be..<hr></blockquote>
thank you! thank you ! thank you! this means so much, it has affected me profoundly.<p>Nina thanks for your idea. I went shopping yesterday (but to Cresta?). But when 'big emotional' things happen in my life I tend to get 'dizzy' some sort of 'sickness'. So there I am trying to shop and not fall around like a silly clown. So I left early... but got a 'cute' outfit anyway! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
About the funeral - don't know - I'm gonna post for advice on this one....<p>Pantha

Pantha,<p>I have precisely the same questions rolling around in my mind as well.<p>How did he propose?
What does her ring look like?
Does he love her more than me, altho he told me he doesn't [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
Are they closer/tighter than we ever were?
Is he honest with her, does he tell her his most guarded secrets?
Do they talk about our marriage and how theirs will be much better.<p>How do we stop obsessing about this stuff. I've been keeping myself busy, but whenever I have a lull, I start those damn tapes again. I want new tapes!<p>Sorry for venting on your thread. Just so hard to get thru some days.<p>Jo

Resilient if he said that he doesn't love her more, believe that. Know then no matter what she does he loves you most always. I think first love is difficult to break. (maybe I should listen to myself!) As for the rest, we should remember ThornedRose's thread. We will be ok! When - I don't know, but we will....<p>Pantha

Pantha,<p>I didn't mean to make you cry..was just telling
you the truth..

Found out from my XSIL that XH's 'fiance' has a son. She let it slip by mistake, I asked how old (he told me she can't have children...). He is 15. So I asked how old she was, XSIL was hesitant to talk, asked me not to tell XH that she told me. Apparently they don't see eye to eye. The 'fiance' is 40! My XH is 30. I was blown away by that news. <p>So I have to put 2 and 2 together here and come up with 5. When I saw him last year November when he came to collect his things, he told me he had 2 women that were older than him and he hinted that he was seeing them. He told me one was about 40... he also said that they were in relationships. So once again a relationship built on deceit. He told me he was spending Christmas alone, I asked why when he had all these women in his life. He said because they were going to be with their families. Ah... so maybe she left her H for him... oh well... <p>Pantha