1)Will be married 3 yrs April 27th(my 23rd b-day
2)2 yr old son & one on the way
3)Ask H to be seperated 1st of 2001
4)Met OM 2 mos. later
5)Broke it off August last year
6)H has had 2(I'll say 2, 1 was a 1 nite stand)
realtionships
7)Dec. comes to see our son sleeps with me I get prego tells OW she's mad breaks it off
8)3-4 wks ago he tells me that he finally wants to try
9)Because of an email I wrote his parents to try and patch things up with them(even though they are the ones that should be doing the patching) he doesn't want to try now
10) Says its nothing to do w/OW forgiving him about 2 wks ago<p>So with that brief, I guess you could call it, info I have a question? What makes it right for him and not for me so to speak? <p>What I mean by that is this: Because I ask to be seperated and made the ill-fated mistake of thinking the grass is greener on the otherside I am wrong. <p>He wanted to try and work things out and I told him that I was confused and didn't know what was going on with me. To give me time. Fog I reckon.
I didn't keep my relationship from him I was up front with it. <p>What led us to this point anyway was I had been telling him for months to take a parenting class b/c he needed to learn about children him not knowing would cause arguments. Seriously, stupid questions like why does he cry? That's why I wanted him to take the class its like b/c I wasn't a dr. what I was telling him wasn't making any sense. Also, that his career is more important than his family. Its not like I kept this in I kept telling him this is how I was feeling. Making that feeling of him not caring grow to be even bigger than before b/c I felt he was ignoring what I was saying.<p>I never loved the OM. I was lonely I guess. I still don't completely understand it myself. <p>Everytime thus far, we have been intimate with one another when he flys out to visit his son. He is still in Cali and I am in Ok. <p>After months of asking to try him saying no I hate you, yadi yadi yada. I give up. I feel there is no hope he just doesn't care. <p>Well, he had been talking to a girl that was a friend of his friends. Whom she lives in Washington. Well he breaks it off cause she is like wacko or something. His friend comes down and brings this girl with him. My H sleeps with her. Then doesn't talk to her. <p>Then he meets some chic online in Texas. Resembles me alot. same age in fact I think she is a week older. Has a 2 yr old girl, no job, the father of the child isn't around. Now I throw that little tid bit of info in b/c my H was hell bent on a was a lazy no good for nothing person that I couldn't support myself. Basically I lost everything that ever meant anything to me b/c of my H. I know he did what he did out of hurt and anger. Still doesn't excuse but I am willing to look past that. Its material stuff. Well he says that his OW will babysit for money. So its kind of ironic that 1 she resembles me alot and 2 she doesn't work lives at home I don't really know what she does. <p>So In december he flies out to see his son for 4 days after not seeing him since Sept. 1st. Really it was 2 days flew in late one night left early that morning. We are together in that time. <p>Mind you I had given up, was seeing just a friend of mine, long time friend. Not really anything serious he's going thru a divorce as am I, I think anyway don't really know at this point. Just 2 friends needing some companionship. I was intimate with him. <p>I get pregnant. Now they did an early ultra-sound to see how far along I was and all that good gravy. The date of conception with 99% certainability the dr. said was the 12th of december. Right smack dab when my H was here. I was intimate with my friend the week before. Right after my last monthly curse in fact. <p>Feb. 2002, he flies out to see his OW in Texas. Doesn't tell her had sex with me & I am prego until after he beds her twice. So that's why she broke up with him.<p>3-4 wks ago he says he wants to work it out. After all this time of saying nasty hurtful things and that he would never be with me again if I was the last person on earth. Well I have reservations. I was scared. I let the wall I had built up, to try and heal, down. I was excited. I was soooooooo happy. <p>I emailed his family 2 mos ago atleast talking to them about beef they have with me why they don't check on there only grandchild. A bunch of pettiness that I was trying to squash be the bigger person for the good of my son & the baby on the way. Well they all took it wrong. H's mom lept at the chance to say "Look at what she did"
Now mind you this email was not bashing anyone. Wasn't written with the bluntness like I would have liked to be written. Walking on eggshells for them. <p>H makes decision I was being deceptive so he is basing our whole marriage and family now on an email and telling me it has nothing to do w/OW about 2 wks ago saying she forgave him. <p>Even after all this I have agreed to quit my career, go to Cali for my son's sake. Yes, we will be staying in the same house I don't have the money just to get a place all at once. He is flying OW out for a wk visit and doesn't understand why it would bother me and says I should deal with it. He talks about me being selfish. All these things I have done to be selfish. On and On. When you look at it both of us have done incredibly rotten things. Taking withdrawl after withdrawl from the love bank. I am willing to get past what he has done admit my faults. But he still feels that what he does is right. That I caused all of this.<p>I don't know how many times I have heard him tell me that. But when you get down to the brass tax here. I flat out ask him if he would be willing to walk in give 2 wks notice and leave his career for his kids. He told me no. "That would be stupid of me to do" I ask him then why is it that its ok for me to do it. <p>So I guess what I am asking is am I seeing this the wrong way? Is one person's hurt more abundant then the next? What do I do from here? <p>I am leaving this Saturday to go out there. Please any input and advice would be really helpful at this point!

Why are you going out there? <p>What do you hope to accomplish?<p>What is your plan to accomplish your goal?<p>
Seriously, I'd like to visit with you about this but first I'd like a reponse to the above questions.

Sorry it took so long...was kind of driving to Cali....<p>
Our son needs his father just as much as he needs me. His father is not willing to give up what it takes so that our son can have a somewhat normal life. So that's why I came. I have hope that we can make things work. I dunno he seems pretty rapped up with his girlfriend. As far as a plan. I dunno to be honest with you. I don't know where to go from here. I am in Cali now so its gonna be a whole lot harder for my H to be hateful. <p>He has stated he doesn't want me to be a wife to him in any kind of way. I am a guest is how he puts it. H expects me to take this girlfriend thing down like oil, nice and smooth. I am not. <p>I'll tell you why. Before H flew out in Dec. I knew he was talking to this OW. I let it go. I had given up b/c of what H was telling me. I don't want to be with you. I don't love you. Blah blah blah. That's why I started seeing that long time friend of mine. I didn't want anything serious but I am sure you know you get kinda lonely. <p>Even after H in Dec. slept with me, created this child I wasn't going to interfere w/his OW. It wasn't until he said he wanted to work things out and then changed his mind. <p>Just tonight before he went to work he was talking about OW. Said he didn't want to hurt her like that again. Meaning sleeping with his wife and getting her prego. <p>I wonder if he stops to think about how it affects me. I know I hurt him just as much as he hurts me. I try to take into consideration his feelings. <p>Even now its 1:51 am and I have been driving for 3 days and I can't sleep. I am always emotional and I am so lost. I feel as though the wall I built up to get over the fact that it was over has crumbled. He finally says he wants to work it out. Then he changes his mind. So I get to start all this emotional torture over again.<p>Sorry thats a little more than you ask for I guess I kinda needed to vent a little.

Take a deep breath. With all of those pregnancy hormonoes it is going to be tough to think straight right now.<p>My H left me for OW when I was 2 months pregnant so I can relate to your situation.<p>Unfortunately, begging and pleading for him to return will not help. Many people here have been there and done that and gotten NOWHERE.<p>Have you read the information on this site? Have you read SAA (Surviving an Affair) by Harley. If not - PLEASE READ THESE THINGS.<p>It sounds like your H never got over the OW - that he was going through withdrawal and then jumped at the chance to try again with her when he had the chance - in all likelyhood OW was going through wothdrawal too and couldn't stay away from your H.<p>They think the feelings are real love - and you can;t talk them out of it. THey will blame you for everything and basically they are in what we call "the fog." I know that you want totalk some sense into him - but H will probably not be able to understand reality right now.<p>You need to read that book and this info. so that you know what you are dealing with here. Affairs are like addictions and asking him to give it up is like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking cold turkey - more than likely they can't and won't do it - just like your H with the affair.<p>Now, that said. All is not lost. Please read about Plan A and Plan B. Learn about ENs and LBs(emotional needs and Love busters). Print out the questionaires from this site and fill them out as if you were your H and then try and meet his ENs and stop with the LBs.<p>This is hard while pregnant, but it will do more good than harm.<p>Pleae get yourself a support system right now - counselor, friends , family, a church group, a priest/minister. You will needs them, especially being pregnant.<p>And try your hardest to take care of you and the baby - force yourself to take your vitamins every day, and to eat. You will lose weight if you don't and it's not good for the baby. Try to get some sleep. <p>The hardest part is taking care of yourself and if it's too hard - enlist the help of your support system to get you through this.<p>Take it one day at a time. My prayers are with you. This is a terrible thing to happen when you are pregnant, but once the baby is here H may change his mind. But you have to get through this until then. <p>Your H is feeling a powerful emotion. Reality has to set in for it to die. You need to make the marriage as safe and attractive to return to as you possibly can so that when the A does die, then H will want to return. <p>Be sure to keep H informed of baby's growth - invite him to doctor's appts. and ultrasounds so he can feel connected and attached to baby. Try to get him involved.<p>Don't push the marriage talk. Be his friend. I know it's hard, but this is what works.<p>Read read read about this and post when you get weary. K

Here's the thing. Maybe if I state what he has stated from his point of view.<p>As I am sure you read I was the one that ask to be seperated hince the name. B/c I felt my marriage was ending and was young and didn't really know what else to do it seemed to be the next step I guess I thought so anyway. <p>He feels as though when I sought someone else during that time I cheated on him. I was upfront with him about this person. He likes to take everything and turn it to where it makes him look better or something as I said in the original post he says all this is my fault but we have both done rotten things to one another. <p>I was in the fog I know how he feels right now that's why I am so cautious as to what to do. I know about Plan A & B but when someone is telling you they don't want that from you anymore then what do you do.<p>It sounds rediculous "don't touch me" is what he says. We can't keep doing this, meaning have sex or being just intimate in general in whatever way. That's why I am so confused. Do I sit here and bite my frickin tongue when he starts asking me questions about his g/f(its off the net by the way OW lives in Texas) can you be civil well yeah I can but my question is to myself is for how long. He has talked much crap to this person she & along with everyone he knows in this god forsaken town don't know the whole story. That's something that I didn't do was bash him. Make it look like what I did was b/c of him and all his fault when it wasn't. There are so many pictures of OW around here I want to throw up. Its like he is taunting me on purpose. <p>Sometimes I'd like to email her and tell her the whole story so that when she is talking her crap about me maybe she will think twice. But then again what good is that going to do. Make me feel better but would make the situation worse. <p>I just really need some incite as to how I should go about making deposits in the love bank without it seeming that I am. I keep my mouth shut he wants to talk about OW and how I should handle it when she is flying out here in July and I should deal with the fact that they are going to be ******* upstairs under the same roof. <p>That's what I am having problems with. I state the serenity prayer to myself about 500 times. I think that is the only thing that keeps me sain right now.

Yes, you bite your tongue when he talks about OW or says anything you don't like - many WS's say don't touch me(there was a whole thread on that one a few months ago), but what they say "in the fog" and what they may say later are two different things. Just know that they will say all sorts of hurtful things - but try to let it roll off of you.<p>No it doesn't seem fair and it's ok if he says he doesn't want to work on the marriage - if he did you would not be in Plan A.<p>Meet the needs he will let you meet and don't LB. This will take MONTHS. Give yourself a timelimit (don't tell him) - usually the time is 6 months for the WS to notice any changes in you and marriage.<p>It's just that there is no quicl fix to this one. You have to wait until the affair dies it's natural death.<p>You need to focus on you too. Control what you can control(your actions) and detach from what you can't control (WS's actions).<p>There are some posts about Plan A in the read only section as well as here by Distressed and Orchid and NSR - do a search on those names and Plan A and you'll be able to find them - either her eor on the GQII board.<p>You may also want to post on the GQII board because the people there are trying to do what you are doing and facing what you are facing.<p>It's frustrating and painful I know, but it's doable, and then you can say that even if you ended up in divorce, that you gave the marriage all you had.<p>K

This has been going on for 18 mos already I really don't know how much longer I can hold out to be honest with you. Its been up and down and back again. I have pretty much lost all hope. I don't know if I have another 6 mos in me.