An Oldy but a Goody<p>After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform sexually so he decides to visit the doctor. His doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.<p>After a few visits, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.<p>The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throw some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. "This is powerful healing," the witch doctor says, "but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" <p>The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"<p>The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"<p>The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3," and suddenly gets an erection.<p>His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

LOL! I kind of understand how that guy must have felt! If it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all!

Is it Dead????<p>
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.<p>"Dead." He replied.<p>"How could you tell?" she asked her pupil.<p>"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.<p>"You did what?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.<p>"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

This one is more for the ladies but I am sure there are a lot of men out there that will enjoy this one too.<p>Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic:<p>1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.<p>2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.<p>3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.<p>4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.<p>5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.<p>6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.<p>7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.<p>8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."<p>9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.<p>10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.<p>11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Gotta love red tape. This is supposedly an actual case...<p>A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply:<p>
> (Actual letter)<p>
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."<p>
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:<p>(Actual letter)<p>"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than in the years covered by the
present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that
Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land
came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch, Isabella. The
good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as
the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she
sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure
you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is
commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He,
therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to heavens you find His
original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"<p>They got the loan.