Dear Forum,<p>It&#8217;s been a long time since my last posting but when advice was needed you all were there for me. Thank you. <p>Today, almost 10 months after being surprised with divorce papers and with the divorce officially finalized, I am entering a new stage that is causing me an emotional flashback which is pulling me all the way back to the day I got served the D papers. Given the circumstances your advice or anecdotal experience would be greatly appreciated.<p>Let me present the latest facts as brief as possible.<p>I still love my XW very deeply and pray to God for his blessings for my family and to help us reconcile. On the same token, I started moving on with my life and avoid any pressure or unnecessary communications with her. During the last three weeks my XW has increased the communication and even granted an opportunity to be together as a family again. Yes it was just while taking care of financial business but nevertheless we were all together. Now my oldest son&#8217;s birthday comes along this weekend and I got invited to the party.<p>Even thou it is my XW who seeks out communication she makes it clear infinite times during each conversation that she does not loves me anymore and that everything between us is over for good with no hopes for reconciling in the future.<p>I feel and I am almost convinced that she is playing mind games with me in order to get what she wants and so far she has been successful. She has an emotional/romantic relationship with another man already and I think he will be at the party. <p>So here is my problem. I want to be there for my son but I know that I will be all nerves and emotions even more if the OM is there. What would you do/suggest? How do I stop loving her? Should I stop asking God to help us reconcile? Is it possible that the &#8220;I don&#8217;t love you&#8221; statement is just a way to pace (control) the process that she is starting? What if there is hope and I decide to abandon any future efforts to reconcile?<p>Let me know if you need more details to better understand the situation.<p>Thank you<p>Ps If you want to go private: huesos1969@yahoo.com

It sounds to me like she is trying to keep things amicable between the two of you for the sake of your children..<p>Can you for one day set your feelings for your wife aside and go to your son's party for him??
concentrate on your love for him..and not her..<p>I won't say stop asking God to allow reconciling..but maybe you could ask that if
reconcilliation isn't going to happen then to help
you deal with and accept that..<p>Maybe if you backed off a little bit and stopped expressing your feelings to her (plan B) and learn to focus your life more on you now..and how you can move forward..and work on your relationship with your children..it will help..<p>maybe take your eyes off of what she is doing..and put your eyes on God and what He is doing and wants you too will help you emotionally..I know when I stop looking at 'what' everyone else is doing..and look at what God is doing and wants me to do..I do better emotionally..<p>I quit expecting as much from them and am still learning to accept this is how they are..and I can choose to associate with them or not based on that fact..if I can accept it or not..it may seem like I am judgemental but I'm not..I'm just learning to set "MY" boundaries as to what I'll accept in relationships and what I won't..it's not that I don't like the person..I just don't care to associate w/ them..under those terms anymore..<p>An example for this would be I don't care to be around drunks..I don't care if others go out and get drunk..but please don't come around me drunk..
if they can respect that..then we can continue in spending time together..if they don't..well..then I choose not to spend time with them...<p>Just like w/ your sons party..you could go and spend that time w/ your son..if OM is there you can choose to not speak to him..or choose not stay as long at the party..or you can choose not to go at all and celebrate his birthday another time with him..<p>but, if your divorced already, she can invite this man to the party..so you need to decide if you can set those feelings aside..and be there for your son..this day isn't about the OM, it isn't about your XW, it's about celebrating the birthday with your child..or if you'd rather not subject yourself to feelings of hurt..and celebrate at another time w/ your son..maybe ask her if you could pick him after the party and take him out somewhere just the two of you..or even before the party..so that she can set things up..then you could take him home stay for a little bit and then leave..you get to spend time with your child on his birthday...and keep yourself from being hurt so badly...<p>Hope this helps

ThornedRose,<p>Thank you, for your reply and let me assure you that any bit of advice will help. The day we got together (just the kids and us) for finance issues I managed to put feelings aside and talked nothing about our relationship or my emotions. The environment at the party will be a lot different (old friends, neighbors, and OM) from there my anxiety. See, I was doing great moving on with my life and accepting the fact that she feels no love or has any interest in reconciling. I even started to return the kids to school after visitation in order to minimize interaction with XW. Right after I started doing that she became more communicative.<p>The progress I made was starting to pay and I was feeling ok with the realization that XW and I as a couple would never happen. Now I am back into &#8220;what ifs&#8221;, hopes, and of course, hurting.<p>I want to get back to the path that I was walking but the big &#8220;what if&#8221; is; What if she is giving an opportunity to a friendly relationship? What if from friends the flame of love gets re-ignited? It would hurt to find out later in the future that because of protecting my emotions I let go of an opportunity.<p>Hopefully I'll get to see more clear manipulation and put myself back on track.

IWC,
let me offer another perspective, while I certainly agree that you should be in Plan B if you still want to save your marriage, or Plan C if have reach the point that you are ready to move on, but either way, you need to be taking care of yourself. No were does it state that you must attend the party if you are not comfortable. I had the same situation recently, I choose not to attend, stbxw called me selfish but I had my own party for my son with my friends and it worked out just fine. In fact I think it was better for my son, he got the benefit of two parties. Do what is best for you, if it is going to cause you anxiety to be around OM, and it does for me, then you don't have to do it know, if later down the road you are ready to be at family events with OM present then fine but don't feel pressued to do it if you are not ready.
Take care,
Dave

I agree with Dave <p>the WS is trying to make a big happy family from something that isn't. I declined this year also, the first after the divorce was final. . . .<p>also, XW wants to sit with me at all events that we go to in common. . . . ick, ick, ick. She does this so that she can maintain very close contact with 10 yo d, excessive demonstration of public display of affection to try to convince the world that they are right. . . . even on my weekend. . .<p>at last weeks 10 yo daughters soccer game, it was my weekend, i took daughter to game, and X was late as she was working. . . so at half time, 10 yo comes running across the field to hug mom for attending the game. . . yet she lives with mom all but everyother weekend. . . . <p>X eats this up, yet i have never seen one other child do this. . . these Xs have weird ideas that center upon their selfish concepts of environmental control . . . they want everyone to like them, and think they are nice. . . . and they want evverything they can get no matter what. . .<p>sorry, it doesn't work that way. . . . i didn't invite X over for christmas eve either. . . nor would i go to their house. . . .<p>my view, the kids can sit with whomever they want,
and are free to roam between the two, but the parents don't have to sit together. . . just too icky for me. . . . now i have to have a "family," if you will, meeting to explain this to kids. . . AND X!<p>
and i am sure that it will be used against me by the master of illusion and control. <p>wiftty

I will change,<p>I've found 'Don't assume anything' as it's usually assumed wrong..and then you hurt more later..<p>Like I said, it's really your choice if you want to put yourself in that situation..if you find you can be friends now, it may open doors for a something later..but don't put all your hopes there..she probably see's that you are moving on in your own life, and she doesn't want to hate you..to me it sounds as if she's at least on some level trying to regain the friendship you once shared..although knowing it will never be the same..it's sounds like she's trying to salvage at least the friendship level of the relationship back..<p>and like I said, who knows once you get that back it may help her realize what she gave up..and realize why she fell in love with you to begin with..God can work that way [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Forum,
Thank you for all your help and advice. My son&#8217;s birthday was a success and he was radiant of happiness! Unfortunately, his (and mine too) hopes are very high that mom and I will get back together. The X allowed me to stay until late evening and we even put the boys to sleep like in the good old times. Other than the fact that there was no physical contact between X and me, everything was like when we were still married.
I made the mistake of inviting her to take a trip with the kids this coming weekend to what she said no and let go the &#8220;I don&#8217;t love you, don&#8217;t want to be with you ever again&#8221; speech. Friends, my heart feels squashed. I love my X with all my soul and strengths. I just don&#8217;t know how to stop loving her even after confirming that she left me for another man. Oh and by the way OM called last Saturday so he is still in the picture.
Prior to the birthday party we were all together in my apartment filling our taxes and she stayed overnight. These two occasions together have raised both my sons and my hopes to very high levels just to later come down crashing like a meteor. You should have seen my boy&#8217;s eyes, shinning of happiness, hope.
Now we are thrown back to the painful road of reality, broken dreams, and lost love. I hope my boys don&#8217;t feel my pain. I&#8217;ll put my best face.
Thanks for &#8220;listening&#8221;.<p>IWC

Everything I've read implies that you should not be playing "family" after the divorce, especially not in front of the kids... It will lead to many false hopes and shattered dreams.<p>Your X seems pretty clear in her view of the future (no reconciliation), so I think you need to accept that, and not to push for family activities.<p>If something changes downstream, and you think you are starting to work on reconciling, I would still do that with the kids out of the picture. If it works, great, if not, you will not have hurt the kids any more needlessly...<p>AGG

AGG,<p>I agree with you 100% in that the kids should be spared of our own emotional roller coaster and suffering. Three weeks ago I was in a better place and there were indications that I was moving on. Unfortunately, my X started communicating and behaving in a way that I misunderstood as a come back. <p>My X was the one that asked to stay overnight the night we did our taxes together and the one that allowed me to stay until late evening the day of the birthday party. Don&#8217;t get me wrong; I am also at fault for allowing my hopes override reality.<p>Your advice is appreciated. I&#8217;ll make sure that if she ever wants to reconcile not to allow the kids to get their hopes hi and suffer the consequences if I misread the signals again. Thank you.<p>IWC

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by I will change!:
<strong>Unfortunately, my X started communicating and behaving in a way that I misunderstood as a come back. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yup, my X has been the queen of those "overtures", which is why I can relate to your story [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . After going out on the limb and getting shot down a few times, I decided to not make any overtures until/unless I get a direct offer to work towards a reconciliation. I find this to be much more peaceful than always trying to guess what she is thinking (and always guessing wrong [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>BTW, it's good to see you take so much interest in protecting your kids!<p>AGG

AGG,<p>You know what? I was doing the same thing; repeating myself not to take anything seriously unless there was a direct offer to reconcile. It is amazing how I lost track of this mental boundary and at the end followed my own misconceptions.<p>I take it you are still hopeful or willing to reconcile. Is this correct?<p>At least you fell for it only three times. In my case I fall for it almost every two months all the way back to beg her for one last chance. How stupid of me!<p>IWC

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by I will change!:
<strong>
I take it you are still hopeful or willing to reconcile. Is this correct?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm, I'd say "willing to try to reconcile". I think that like most BS's who try to save the marriage, I was in a sort of a fog myself, neglecting to notice that she was no longer the kind of person that I would want to be married to. As long as were married, I was obligated to accept her as she was, but now that we are divorced, I feel free to decide for myself if I would chose someone like her for a wife. From what I know about her now, the answer is a definite "no", even though we have two small kids together. If she were to start changing, well, then we'll have to see...<p>AGG