I'm 31 years old. My husband is 37 years old. He's been married twice before. We've currently been married about 9 months. It seems that he has no desire to make love to me. This started about a year ago. (We lived together a year prior to marriage). <BR>He tells me that he just has a low sex drive. He does work shift work (7 days of 11pm-7am; two days off; 7 days of 3pm-11pm; one day off; 7 days of 7am-3pm; five days off, then repeat.)<BR>I am scared that this will become a major problem for us. It led to the end of his second marriage, and I'm not sure what to do about it. We have talked about it until we are both TIRED of the subject.<BR>I just want my husband to desire me sexually - and I think he just wants to be left alone. Should we go to counseling for this? What is a "normal" sex drive for a man in his mid-30's?? Am I overreacting?? Every other aspect of our relationship is wonderful....<BR>Please help me...

Something you may want to look into is whether or not he is getting his sexual fulfillment filled elsewhere - not necessarily w/ another woman - but perhaps through pictures or movies of the naughty nature... I have no idea if this is something he does or not, but it would make sense that if a guy is getting his jollies from web site nudie pics or movies, then that may be a barrier. Like if he's too tired from work, he may feel that it's easier to look at a picture or movie instead of using the energy to be w/ you sexually. I know when my hubby's desire plummets, he's usually getting relief through nudie pics..so we got an internet filter. :-) Just an idea. Sorry I'm not more help. I'll pray for you both.

hsilisa,<P>Here are my responses to your questions:<P>Should we go to counseling for this? <BR> -Absolutely, this is not something that anyone, man or woman, should have to put up with.<P>What is a "normal" sex drive for a man in his mid-30's??<BR> -I am 35, and I would have no problem with having sex every day. <P>Am I overreacting??<BR> -I don't think you are overreacting at all, this is definitely a problem that should be dealt with. <P>This may not be the reason in your case, but I recently read that refusing sex to a spouse is a way of holding power. I think that you should gently go to your husband and tell him that you have been feeling very deprived in this area and it is beginning to affect the way you feel towards him. Since you want to be the best wife possible, you would like to get some help from a Christian counselor. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

hsilisa,<P>What is normal? Not sure. What I have experienced is that since my late 30's I can live with less sex happily. I'm 43 now. Mind you my desire for sex still out strips (no pun intended) my wifes.<P>I'm sure you know that often it is the guy who is begging for sex and the wife who can live without it. So right now there are a bunch of guys on this board who would like to tell your H to wake up!<P>Actually what you and your H need to do is look at your desire for sex in the context of an emotional need. If you haven't already done so go to the home page here and click on the basic concepts link. Read about topics like Emotional Needs, Love Busting, POJA etc. Fill out the emotional needs questionaire with your H. It is quite likely that once you understand your H emotional needs and are doing a better job of meeting them he will more likely to be willing to meet yours.

I heard the same thing before that John was talking about.....a spouse will sometimes withold sex as a sense of power. If his last marriage did indeed end partly because of his lack of sexual desire you would think he'd wake up before another marriage ends the same way! But, I do know that a man at the age of 37 who says he has no sexual desire or a low sex drive is hiding behind something much bigger. My husband is 35 and he could have sex 1-2 times per day if time permitted! haha.....You need an honest discussion with your husband and let him know that being tired is no excuse (not all of the time anyhow). You need to start with the communication thing and go from there!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!<P>"I'm sure you know that often it is the guy who is begging for sex and the wife who can live without it. So right now there are a bunch of guys on this board who would like to tell your H to wake up!"<P>Well said Mudder. I dont speek for the rest of the guys here but there is sure a common thread among us. I guess the ones that have a partner with equal drive dont need a site like this though. It goes both ways. Hmmmm?? Does that mean that when sex meets the needs of both parties, that life is good?? Pretty profound.<P>Guys usually dont share a lack of interest out loud. Yes there are temporary substitutes but the key is temporary. I used to work a similar shift and go to school at the same time. It is rough but not a drive breaker. <P>I am the opposite of your H. There are many of us here. Sounds like IsItToLate is as well. You are not over reacting. Fix it or suffer. Only problem with our opinion is that we may be so starved that given the opportunity we would probably glutten ourselves by saying that twice a day would be nice. <P>Communication is the key. Learn from others mistakes (Mine specificly). Explain your needs.<P>Life is too short to feel the loneliness and emptiness that is caused by this.<BR>

I have the EXACT same problem (which I just posted about in "Emotional Needs"). Anyway, my H is 35......I can't believe the 35 year-olds who have posted here who would want sex once or twice A DAY! (Guys, do you also do dishes? Or is that mutually exclusive with wanting sex?!) I can definitely see the "power" thing going on--my H KNOWS it's powerful to withhold sex. Guys, do men get off on porn because it's easier to do so (less work than sex with wife), or because they are more attracted to the pictures than to the woman they have waiting in the bedroom? Let me know what you think. Thank you! This is definitely cheaper than therapy. Do I stay if I'm not sexually happy? How much should that matter to an overall marriage?

jmv: I almost answered this in your posting. To use sex as a "power thing" would indicate other problems. Why would anyone want to do that?!?! There must be some other reason. It is cruel to make such a loving expression a tool in some underlying motive.<P>Regarding pornography: I am sure there are tons of well written analysis of this but let me give you my point of view. Guys can be very visual. Porn can be stimulating on a short term and used as a substitute for lack of similar stimulation. Also can be curiosity for uncharted territory (details not included. You fill them in). The need for sexual fullfillment can be somewhat eased by masterbation but not completely. I understand that it can also be very addictive. Hopefully that is an extreem in your case. It will not fullfill the need for closeness and intimacy. Again, this is my point of view, nothing scientific. <P>I dont have any great answers for you. I will say you are headed int he right direction by seeking advice.<P>Oh ya, one more question to answer.. If sex matters to you in your marriage, then it needs to be fixed. I spent years thinking that it was ok to take the loneliness and emptiness that you and I both feel when rejected. I saw your post to someone that was about to go into an affair. Your advice was very wise. I am saying the same to you that I tell myself. You bet your a$$ it is important! Did your desire change suddenly or was sex always important? I was and still am so prepared to NOT go on living a life void of affection/sex that ending my relationship and achieving happiness in a different direction is an option. <P>Life is too short. <P>red2

Red2,<BR>I'm scared of being alone; I'm scared of not having enough money; I'm scared of missing him terribly; I'm scared of wounding him or our child. How does one deal with those issues when thinking about divorce? --jmv

jmv:<P>I wish I'd read your post last week when you wrote it. You sound very scared and sad.<P>It is too early for you to think of ending it. You must for your own conscience make every humanly effort to fix your situation before doing something drastic like divorce. Educate your self here. Post like mad! It is a very valuable place for venting. You will find great advice as well as sympathetic eyes.<P>I too am scared of being alone. Guess what?!?! Sometimes I am already alone and in the same room as my wife. It gets no lonelier then that. Those fears will work them selves out. In the mean time concentrate on making it work. <P>We may need to make another thread as we may be causing this thread to stray from hsilisa's topic.<P>red2<BR>

Thanks, everyone, for the replies. Let me run a few things by all of you...Things that have happened since I posted...<BR>My husband and I have discussed this at great length, believe me. I think he is inhibited about sex - I just don't know why. Sometimes I think he sees me as the nice, respectable wife he has always wanted, and this interferes with seeing me as a sexual being.<BR>He did admit to me that he likes outside stimuli...such as porn magazines and movies. Now maybe I did wrong, but I offered to watch one of these movies with him over the weekend. He said he felt bad about admitting that because he thought my feelings would be hurt, like I wasn't enough for him... <BR>To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to things like this, so guys tell me should I be offended at all? Is this something that is natural for men?? We watched the movie, and he asked if it did anything for me - honestly, no it didn't. I asked if it did anything for him, and he said yes, it did. Can someone put some perspective on this?? <BR>I just want my husband to desire me... I'm in fairly good shape - however, I am going to the gym again and working out...<BR>But will he ever feel that desire he felt for me when I was "new?" Or is the saying, familiarity breeds contempt accurate? Or maybe familiarity breeds boredom?? Understand, gentlemen, if he's bored, it's his own D*** fault. <BR>I have told him that I am completely open-minded and willing to try different things to keep our sex life alive and well....<BR>HELP!!!!!<BR>

Lisa,<P>This is a really tough one. I do know that some men put women into two categories, girls you sleep with and girls you marry. I don't really understand this, since I just really am turned on by the thought of my wife being very properly dressed on the outside, but being in very sexy lingerie. <P>If your husband likes porn movies, but is not interested in you, it could be possible that he has been masturbating in private. This would have a really negative affect on his sex drive and could reinforce the belief that you are a "nice girl" that he could never do some of these things with. I am sure that you have already tried to do such things as seduce him with sexy lingerie or try to build up his ego, so I won't suggest that. <P>My personal opinion is that the porn is a detriment to your sex life. I think that it may be possible that his sexual energies are being directed to this activity and he is then having a hard time redirecting them to you. With his sporadic work schedule, he may find it difficult to direct his desires toward you. Since most men tend to be visual, I think that his viewing of porn could be really short circuiting his feelings toward you. <P>I really admire you for not being offended by his use of porn, but seeing it as it is, an illegitimate way to meet a legitimate need. Since you seem to have a fairly open line of communication with your husband, see if he would be willing to stop viewing all porn for a limited time, about 4 weeks. Then see if his behavior starts to change. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John<P>(PS- JMV, yes I am 35 and I could easily have sex 2-3 times a day with no problem, and I do dishes.)

Dear Hsilisa,<BR>Hi! I am 44 yrs. old and currently married almost 2 years due to love and pregnancy to my second husband. I was married 18 years to my first husband before he cheated and left. This is my second husband fouth marriage. His ex-wife tells me of the same problems I am having in our marriage. Low or no sex drive has been a problem from the beginning with us. One reason after the other why not? Tired, Me, Be NIce he'll say.We are now separated which is very very hard on me. I kicked him out. But this is about you and I needed to reply. Porn is something I have always known entices men, and I do feel it is okay. I am very much on God's side of things, and whatever the two of you agree on aside from anal sex which is sodemy (mispelled) is okay. My second husband has introduced me to all kinds of things that turn him on that I actually found I like and see nothing wrong with as long as it is mutual. If it makes him happy I am glad to accomodate. When I am not in the mood for such things I tell him I would rather just be with him without any of. He is usually okay about it. Maybe you need to look at this different. He is not saying he doesn't find all he needs in you, he is saying he enjoys all this too, and WITH you. This is men and I believe some women too. I have more stuff going on in marriage than this that I intend to post soon and hopefully get some insight and help. I know you are struggling and hurting. Porn is not about you!