I'm having a hard time with this VICTIM stuff. I try my hardest not to feel that way. <p>I am the one who initiated the divorce, I am the one that has told her that it was over and there wasn't any coming back. What's my major malfunction?<p>Why do I continue to feel this way? I feel childish for blaming her. It is just to easy to blame her for everything. When will I start holding myself accountable for some of the things that were wrong in my marriage? I want to carry on with my life. I don't want to be stuck in this "victim" stage. I want to be free of all this where I can move on in search of my happiness.<p>I know there are some ole pros here that can help me out on this one!<p>
Steve

okay, so you want to take responsibility for your actions..then do it..you can start by making a list of things you feel you did wrong in yuor marriage...<p>Then you can maybe send it to her, or sit down and talk to her about it..say something like..<p>"I've been thinking back over our marriage and I realize there are lots of areas I messed up..
(NO, It doesn't excuse her actions; because she's responsible for those)then explain the things you have discovered about yourself and where you feel you screwed some things up and could have done better, let her know your working on those things,
apologize for those things and then 'show'by your actions the changes your making within yourself...and let her know that there are areas you still struggle with, as true change takes time, and go from there..<p>it you to admit and face your own short commings, (we all have them)and ask her to forgive you, if you can forgive her, let her know that..and if the divorce isn't finalized yet, heck even if it is
you can still ask her out on a date..nothing says you can't--<p>you can also ask her if she would be willing to go to counseling..and see if the two of you can start over again..and share with her things you've learned..ask her if she'd be willing to get counseling from the Harleys, or you start it yourself to work on a plan A, make a copy of the ENQ and ask her if she'd be willing to fill it out..and then discuss both of your questionaires together..and then start to meet the needs she says are her most important..

I'd think all BS's get the victim syndrome. I did. The hard part is doing what ThornedRose said. Sit down and honestly look at all the damage YOU did to the marriage. I've read some of your previous posts. Did you work offshore? Extended absence is never a good thing for any reasn. And especially on a regular basis. Hey I was on extended absences and I was "home" every night.
So anyway to kick the syndrome really look at all you did to help make things go bad. Don't beat yourself up with it just be honest with yourself. And her. It'll hurt upfront but you'll feel better after you do.<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: jerryweatherford ]</p>