I don't know whether as an X wife I should go as we have only been divorced 6 months. Or I shouldn't go because XH is getting married. We were married 7 years. I was never close to his dad, his dad was sick almost since the beginning of our marriage. I thought I was close to his mom and sister, now I'm not sure.<p>I sent XH an sms asking when is the service. No reply. So I sent an sms to his sister, saying how sorry I am for the loss and that I'm here if she needs to talk as I have been through losing my father and asked her to please let me know when the service is.<p>I wanted to know when the service is because I wanted to be able to think about their family during that time. She responded that it meant a lot to her and that she will call me tomorrow with arrangements. Now I kind of feel I should go. I don't mind going, don't know how I will handle it if XH bring 'fiance' with, but I know I would cope. I just don't know if it would be better to stay away or to go?<p>Pantha

I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but I think that you should go breifly, at the very beginning before there is a crowd, to show your respect for the family that you have been a part of and (sometimes) loved. If you think about it and realize that it would put you in a really bad spot or upset your x (maybe ask him again) then make sure you send flowers. I think if you appear to be ignoring it would upset more than showing up fast or sending pretty flowers or a donation to something your xfil was passionate aobut. If you do the donation make sure that the card about it is delivered by messenger to the wake. You want to be the good person you are, and don't want anyone to think you have ignored this event.<p>A very dear friend of my sister and I died last fall in a fire. His mom said it has been so important for her to still get notes of condolence and visits from all of his buddies.<p>Maybe you could write your xsil and xmil and whomever else there is in the family a little note about what you found special about xfil. Even if he wasn't your best friend there will be something you could come up with. He was kind to animals, loved childern, made good chicken. Whatever.<p>So, to sum it up. Ask x again about going. Go early and fast or send flowers/donation. Follow up with a note to each person individually in a week or two.<p>Sorry for your loss.<p>Elizabeth

My x's grandmother died shortly after our divorce was final. He wanted both children to attend the funeral and I thought this was appropriate. I had known the woman for many years and had every plan to attend the funeral. <p>I do believe it meant a lot to his family that I would attend. Why else would his mother have insisted that - horror of horrors - I sit with the family. I did.....though not with doofus!<p>And I have never regretted it. <p>I recommend you go to visitation and speak with family and sign the record of visitors. I also recommend that you attend the service but sit quietly elsewhere. And remember you are not there for x but for other family members. If you have to speak to him, you could probably truthfully say that you were sorry to hear of his loss. And you need say nothing more. And you can choose either to ignore STBW or say a gracious hello. <p>But I am only one person offering my opinion -for what it's worth.

I spoke with my x sister in law. There is a memorial service tomorrow afternoon. She doesn't think STBW will be there but this woman's son might. <p>In the circumstances it was still nice to hear her voice. I missed them (her and her mom). She told me that I will always be their family, that they speak about me lots, and that 'our' wedding photos remain no matter what this new woman thinks. We said we will get together some time but agreed not to speak about X. <p>This leaves me still unsure of how to proceed.<p>Pantha

Do what you are comfortable with, I was in this situation a month ago, I chose not to go. I did send flowers and let the family know I was thinking of them. I felt it best to avoid a potenial conflict. I knew OM would be there and I did not want to put myself in a painful situation.

Pantha,<p>Forget about your xh and go to the service and pay your respects to a man that you loved. And to the family that you still care deeply for and miss.<p>You divorced each other, not the family.

Pantha-<p>I have one word for you -GO. My dad passed away in Dec. my X came (probably just to look good and supportive and to help with the kids, he never said a thing to me - guilt you know) and so did his whole family. It was comforting to know that they cared enough to be there irregardless of the fact that I was getting divorced from their son/brother.<p>You can do this even if the OW is there.<p>K

Pantha,<p>I agree you should go..your not going for your ex but to honor the memory of a man who was your fil and to offer your condolences to the family..<p>When my mother passed away, my 1st ex didn't know it until like 4 months later..and when he found out he contacted me to send his condolences..he lives in another state and didn't know about her death until later, but it still meant ALOT to me and my family that he called..granted we'd been divorced for 8 years..we didn't have any children together, so we didn't have to keep in touch..and he didn't have to even contact me..but he did..out of respect..<p>just remember it's not about your ex-h, it's about his dad, and remembering him..and the memories you have of him..