When I call X he cant seem to talk without screaming at me, he never did this before the D. Im not saying anything that should upset him, but he keeps going off about that I threw him out, he knows he left because of MOW he had a choice me or her, he wanted her, they are engaged & plan to be married after her D. Tonight I had enough of him yelling & ask him to treat me like he did MOW. He really blew up & started using bad language about me going to church & getting my life together. It was really bad, I finally told him that God wasnt going to let him hurt me anymore, all I remember is him screaming bad words. I kept saying over & over you cant hurt me anymore to him, I didnt get angry, I feel no angry towards him I dont hate him for what he did to me or my son, I just dont understand why he did the things he did & why he blames me, he finally hung up. I hope he gets his life together & ask God to forgive him maybe then he can find peace. He keeps telling me that I took his money, what money? that he bought me everthing I wanted? about 75% of our home came from thrift stores that I bought trying to make ends meet so our son could have money for college which X took half. 2 Vacations in 17 1/2 yrs. can count the dinners out on one hand. NO birthday, Xmas, or any holiday gifts since 1986. Now he is saying that if I start dating someone else Im going to take their money. Last week at church I met a nice D man with no children, my age, we have been talking on the phone, he has ask me out to lunch but Im not ready for that yet. I would like to talk with my son first about him & see what he thinks about me dating someone, its been hard on him with his dad leaving I dont want to hurt him anymore til he has time to heal.
M-17 1/2 yrs
C-13 son, 28 son, 7 gr daughter
D-3-18-02
A-years with MOW
X-42, me- 48 & proud of it
MOW-29
C-3 small
D-pending

You are good person and don't deserve that kind of treatment from him.<p>Is he implying that you'll spend the child support payments he is making on yourself and your dates?<p>Keep looking towards the future and ignore his lunatic rantings [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Joe

You have the right to hang up.

Set boundaries.... one of those being if he screams hang up. That boundary is to protect you. You don't need to listen to his screaming. <p>Nice that you are going to consult your son on the dating issue. I think it will be a good thing for him to know that he has a say.<p>Pantha

misst,<p>you need to demand respect (set boundaries) which means that if you are being screamed at, you say. "don't yell/scream at me, if you continue i will hang up." you say this once, if he continues, CLICK! <p>he is verbally abusing you because he doesnot want to take responsibility for himself and his mistakes. . . simple as that. . .<p>its called the fog, and its all part of the affairs and the confusion of feelings and what they mean. . .

in response to "AM I USING CHILD SUPPORT MONEY FOR OTHER THINGS OR DATES? <p>X has been paying me just what covers our bills, Ive had to use our savings to cover the food cost during the months waiting for a D, he is mad at this. X did the bills for 17 1/2 years & knows what has to be paid, when the Judge signs the papers I will only be getting $455. a month nothing else, no income because of illness, looking forward to having a lump removed in my breast again that grew back after 6 months, Dr. wanted to wait til May to remove it. our house payment is $470. Ive got it sold couldnt make the payments, older son wants us to come live with him & his wife til I get better & get a job, X agreed to sign off on house but now X attorney told him not to sign on 4-25 wait for the Judge to sign which could be another month. Ive not dated anyone or thought about anyone else after this mess, just met a nice guy who Ive only seen for 3 Sundays at church & we've only talked on the phone a few times, its mostly about our D he went thur one a few months ago, W left him because of he had to retire early from a good paying job because of health reasons.

I'm probably very wrong to say this but *I* would tell him to go blow! He has no say whatsoever about how the CS money is spent...if you wanted to take it and feed it to the ducks, that's none of his business. <p>I hate how x's think they run something.

and i hate seeing good money designated for my children get wasted on what CS is not intended for.<p>i hate how some CP think they have rights to do anything they want. . . especially when i converns hard earned money. . .<p>wiftty

Now WIFT let's not hijack misst's thread by turning it into a CS debate. Although I do agree with your sentiments on the matter (BTW,I am a CP and my xW pays CS for our two D's) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Misst I agree with the others, he is beign verbally abusive at best and harassing at worst. If you can not reason with him, then I would suggest that you send him a letter explaining that if he can not be civil in his phone conversations that you will cease all direct communications with him and only use your lawyer as intermediary.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

Joe,<p>that is OK, but really each individual needs to learn how to establish boundaries for themselves, and enforce them. . . that is the crux of the most productive answer, which in turn will be beneficial in the long run for all future relationships. . .. intermediaries is too much like conflict avoidance, instead of learning conflict resolution. . .<p>wiftty

misst,<p>Set your boundaries. Do as Wiffty said. Tell him once and if he doesn't listen hang up. My stbx got mad at first, but I stuck to this time and time again and finally he got the point and he knows, if he talks mean, I hang up. It's like punishing a child...<p>Don't let their anger make you angry.<p>Don't let their mood change your mood.<p>Don't let their bad choices cause you to have bad choices.<p>Don't let their chaotic world interfere with your peacful world.<p>You can't do this all the time, because we are not perfect, but you can practice and get where the majority of times you can.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

I guess he screams at you for the same reason mine sort of does - only his thing is to be passive/aggressive. <p>I'm not yet to the point where I can tell him I'm hanging up and then do it. I just sit the phone down and go of and leave it. Had to do it tonight. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]