My husband asked me for a divorce on March 7, 2001. He stated he loves me, but not in love with me and has little or no passion for me and that 12 of the 14 years of our marriage he has been lying to himself and me about loving me, but he tells me I'mthe best wife and mother. I just had a baby in Dec 2001. In Nov. 2001 we went to counseling and he told the couselor he has always wanted to be with a lighter complexion (african american woman), I am darker complexion and so is my husband. I have noticed him in the past on the computer and when I come in the room he shuts it down. I also found pictures of his gential area on his laptop, which he said he did not sent them to anyone but was fooling around with the camera. I thought he might me sending it to someone. Back in 1995 my husband had an affair and here recently talks to women in other states, we asked why? he states he talks to them about me. However, he never talks to me. He is a minister and states he upholds the sancity of marriage, but when I tell him God can resurrect his dead heart and our dying marriage, but states he does not want to.<p>We still live together with our 5 kids. He still sleeps with me and we still have sexual relations. He said he is staying to save money to move out in May, 2002. Here lately he has been cooking breakfast and dinner for me and the kids. My husband is highly sexual, lately we have been talking about our fantasy of sex with each other. I wonder if my husband is getting passion and love mixed up, and that his sexual passion is gone for and is he trying now to rekindle it without telling me. He seems to want to be around me more, which was my complaint before he ask for a divorce. by the way, I not giving him a divorce, but if he wants it he needs to do it.<p>I sometime think he is not sure he wants a divorce, we seem to have better sexual relations then before. My husband is 41 years old and I'm 42. I have continued to allow him to have sexual relation with me in hopes that his passion or love would return. He does not allow me to initiate the sexual encounter and I asked him why, he said it turns him on and he likes to do that for me. However, my self esteem is shot because of some of the things he has said to me.<p>I have become like Shelock Holmes in my own house, because I can't trust him. I love him and want my marriage to last until death do us part.<p>Sorry, if this rambling, I trying say everything before he come in the room.<p>My questions:<p>Should I allow him to have sex with me? P.S I don't believe he is seeing anyone, he comes home after work every day and the weekends he has a little league team that he coaches with our son, and sundays since he ask for a divorce he stays home from church and cooks dinner for us. When I went our pastor about his request for divorce, our pastor told him he could hold ministry duties until we reconcil. <p>Can his lost of "being in love and little or no passion for me" have to do with sex.<p>Can a person live, eat, sleep, breath and have a 3 month old child not be in love or never loving some one.<p>Can it be he is not sure what he wants and is affraid to say? I also noticed when people call our home and ask about things, he says everything is fine.<p>What else should I be doing as a wife hoping he changes his mind along with praying?<p>Is he just feeling gulity? He never like to tell me his true feeling on certain issues.<p>confused: <p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: rosse ] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: rosse ]</p>

Rosse,
As a ray of hope I can say that the passion and love CAN be rekindled. My W told me the same things your H told you at one time. I choose to love her back into the marriage. It can be done. It's not easy. God knows it ain't easy! It takes time. (I mean months) But it can be done. YOU have to choose to do it.

Thank You - For your response and hope.<p>I want to love him back into our marriage but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time. I want to talk to him about his feeling but I'm afraid, since we still live together and are interacting very well, I don't want to cause any problems. Especially, if he is rethinking his decision. He doesn't bring it up, nor do I. I don't bring up the divorce topic because I'm afraid his answer will still be the same, and I can only guess why he doesn't talk about it.<p>Sometimes I sense he wants to kiss me and tell me things, but then I see an unsure look on his face. I geuss he knows how badly I hurt, I wish I wasn't so afraid to talk to him again.<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: rosse ]</p>

Rosse,<p>I can't offer much help or advice at this time but did want to pass on a sit thatIhad found useful. I noticed that your husband is close to my WH age, hope that you find some insight.
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>Read everthing that you can on this site. God' Blessings to you both! <p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also try reading A Praying Wife.

I just posted this to someone else, but have you read SAA (Surviving an Affair) or His Needs Her Needs - both by Harley?<p>If you read them, as well as the info. on this site, you'll learn that you definitely can fall back in love and have an even better marriage than before. Get familiar with terms such as emotional needs and love busters. Print out the questionaires off of this site and fill them out as if you were your husband if he won't fill them out himself. But ask him, maybe he will.<p>Then try to Plan A - fulfill his EN's (emotional needs). There is also an EN board here that you can post on with questions. <p>If H would consider a counseling session with Steve Harley then that would be a great jump start to recovery from this. Steve can answer any of his doubts about whether you can regain the love.<p>All is not lost, but do some reading so that you can make some good decisions about what to do next.<p>K

Thank all of you who have replied with encouraging advice and helpful comments.<p>My H just told me he has an apartment and is moving out in mid - May. I don't know whether to cry, scream or laugh. One minute I think, okay I can handle this, the next minute I feel like crawling under a rock and die. People tell me I can get through this and I know they are right, but the memories and looking at the kids, we have a 3 month old daughter; my heart aches for them. He does not talk to them about their feelings or anything. I'm still on leave from the baby, so my income is going to be short. The job I had I was a temporary job. My H states he will pay me, but what he wants to pay me is almost a thousand dollars less than what the law requires in CA.<p>I'm told to do what I need to do as far as filing for legal seperation and I will. This is hard because when I look at my H, he looks as if he doesn't want to leave, but then he is still secertative and I feel doing things behind my back. This morning he wa up lying in bed looking up at the ceiling. He is very nice to me and attentive, but it looks like it's over. I guess I need to just start doing things as if he is already out of my life. He has not talk to me adout how he wants to visit with the kids, all his concern is moving and money.<p>Our pastor called last night and left a message on the phone to set up a meeting with me and my H, my H erased the message, but the number was still on the caller ID. When I asked him about it,he just rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh. I don't know if he will go.<p>I believe my H has meet someone on the internet and or has gotten in to internet prono. I found pictures of his gentials on the computer. When I asked him about it he states he was just fooling around with the camera and that he didn't send them to anyone. However, when I would come into the room he would click off whatever he was looking at or shut down the computer. <p>I went to the Midlife Crisis site and almost everything I read sounds like my H, but is pronography part of that as well? or is it a symptom for something else.<p>Please pray for me and my children.

rosse,<p>I am glad that you read some of the info. Porn I am not sure about, that is one that I am not dealing with. I believe that it is an illness of sorts, just as an MLC is.<p>I hope that you have read all the info on this site, you might want to check out the General Question II Forum. It is a little bit more active there then over here.<p>I do pray for you and your family. The book a Praying Wife is a good read. If your H won't go to the pastor will the pastor come to your H? No one ever confronted my H or told him or tried to help him see what he was doing was wrong and I wish that some one would have, if he would have listened I am not sure, he was and is pretty fogged in.<p>Take care,
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you all again for your prayers and support.<p>I found some discouraging information. All along my husband has been telling me their is absolutely no other woman, however, I found information that he is planning to take a trip in May to Michigan to visit a woman who had went to school with.<p>I am very angery with my H. He is moving in May into his own house. He states he does not have enough money to give me, he promised me a set amount, this is the second time he has fell through on his promise. He says because of other obligations, he will pay me in June. I was forced to file for legal seperation - which I hated to do and I am sick about. I was really hoping he would come to his senses. However, my H continues to lie left and right and sacrificing me and the kids for his pleasures. <p>I don't know what else to do and wonder can my marriage still be saved? One part of me wants my marriage to be saved and the other part of me hates him. Is it to late for my H change? Can anyone tell me how long can a couple stay seperate and still save their marriage and how is that done when you live apart? who calls who; or do you just sit and hoping he calls? Do you date other people?<p>Please help me