I did my begging, pleading, negotiating, etc for the marriage in 2000, before she asked me to leave, i left. . . did plan b, and basically did not talk with her except about kids and business issues.<p>since she doesn't really understand my position, and has always had a hard time understanding it, even after i have tried to explain it to her, in as many different ways as possible,<p>should i write a letter explaining all my feelings , or reasons why i will tend to get angry at her, my triggers, etc,<p>or should i just continue to ignore her. . . and be cordial in public,?<p>i have told her at our last schedule meeting that she is on my " !@#$%^&Y*()_ " list, she is number one on the list, and the ONLY person on the list. . . <p>but she seems to forget that, or do i need to make a more permanent impression on her? and i will have a hard time not LB, or not having DJ,<p>so should i write and SEND the letter? and writing and NOT sending is not the question. . . nor an acceptable answer. . . .<p>wiftty

so what is the goal, the rationale? That kinda determines what actions one takes. Saying she needs to understand your position is to vague, what position, and why does she need to understand it.<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

I used to get frustrated every time I tried to explain my thoughts, feelings, whatever to my ex. No matter what avenue I chose, it always came down to him being the Lord and Master and I violated what he thought was the wifely thing to do. In short, it is easier for him to think that I left him for another man than leaving him because he was abusive. Even though I didn't date until the divorce, he still regards it as a betrayal. <p>My divorce has been a done deal for nearly a year. I have reached the point now where I don't care if he gets it or not. It won't change anything and if I want to be completely objective, it is unlikely he will ever get it. Life is too short to waste days and nights frustrated, upset, and angry with someone who is not going to change, doesn't want to change, and only can find fault with you. Why is it so important for you to get you ex to understand what your feelings are? Would it make a difference? I think one of the tell tale signs that you are healing is when the actions of your ex don't bother you anymore.

Happy Mac<p>I don't care. . . . i was just wondering if it might be helpful, but your response gives me the perspective that as much as i have tried in the past, there is no difference now than back then. . .<p>the difference between us is the CP vs NCP, and the sharing of time and co-parenting crap. but you are right, nothing will change,<p>thanks
happy mac<p>wiftty

Tom,
My x couldn't understand anything in writing any better than in-person. She misunderstood, everything, still does.<p>I showed my counselor a letter I wrote her concerning the kids and the x's reply. My counselor said it sounded cold and uncaring when it concerned our kids. It sounded like I was asking her to do something for a package.<p>I doubt it would do you any good either, she is going to read it how she sees it. You probably should avoid anything that could get you in trouble legally either.<p>Bob

I agree, it is just frustrating to have to go through the same crap every time and all the time, it just gets tiring.<p>i expect too much, and if i let my tongue loose, it would say something like, "your BS in Child Development was really money well spent since you are acting like one."<p>its such a drag to see someone you loved and respected just go down the toilet. . . .<p>wiftty

WIFT is it possible to have somebody else act as your intermediary? This could be of great help because if she is dumb enough to start her crap regarding visitation and other issues, this person acting as your intermediary could serve as your witness in family court if you beleive that she is violating your rights as the NCP. And the fact that you would not have to talk to her would be a great stress releiver for you and your kids.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

wiffty,<p>I'm glad you decided not to send it. It would not help at all.<p>ANNA

Joe,<p>although the intermediary idea is often used here, it is not necessary, because she pretty much honors the agreement, she just complains and *****es and moans when she wants more time, even though she has most of the time. . .<p>in other words, when something comes up that i would like to take the kids to out of the ordinary, i have to ask her, and then often times she will complain about not seeing them very much, even though i have them 1 night more than the minimum visition. to listen to that crap just irritates me, as it is pure woe is me manipulation. . . . i just ignore it most of the time, and it goes my way. . . .<p>this time just got to me because she was whining and making sad faces in front of the kids. And then she usually agrees with something "special" but if she doesn't think that i am doing something special, she should have them . . . its her definition of special that is attempted controlling or manipulation.<p>its the attitude that she has to think something is special in order for me to have the kids. . . .
anyway, its just once or twice a year, that she starts with this crap, so intermediaries are a little unnecessary. . . .<p>wiftty<p>although Bob and Happy mac convinced me otherwise. . . what will be really interesting is if she claimed both dependents on her tax return and forgot about the agreement. . . then the IRS will be all over us, and i have the agreement and the signed letter, so i am fine. . .<p>then SHE put in a special private school tuition calculation (that i didn't see until afterwards), and given my income is spotty at best, she will have to pay most of it, and she is already trying to get me to agree to payments that are out of the agreement. . . so this will get good . . . <p>wiftty

Tom, from what you've written about her, she's not really a grown up. She's a three year old in an adult's body. That's a lot like mine. <p>I swear, tonight he acted like such a jerk. I would just as soon never see him again. Maybe my children would be better off if he and I never saw each other again. I think I will never have any respect for this man. (Even the three letters on his car tag remind me of him -- an Eddie Murphy term - ASW. two sylables. Refers to what one might do with bathroom tissue.)

Well, you could say I double posted or you could say that it needed to be said twice because he was a really big jerk tonight - not to mention the fact that he could be the body double for the StayPuft marshmallow man. And to think he had a great set of muscles when he moved out.<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: cinderella ]</p>

Hey Tom,
This just sort of popped iinto my head. NExt time she puts on the act, turn the tables on her and ask her why she doesn't want you to see the kids, maybe even say that in front of the kids. See how she reacts to that.<p>Bob

Bob, she would instantly deny the question. . .
and she would say she was just asking, . . . ., which is all true in her mind. . . its the lack of support towards my part of the agreement, and my time. . . <p>she doesn't really understand how her behavior comes across to me, as early in our marriage, i treated her the same way she started treating me, and she didn't like it at all or understand it. . . even though i told her that is how she treats me. . .<p>it is all learned from her mom and her dad. . . i see it very clearly. . . and i just got pissed, and would easily get pissed again. . . . with the same attitude. . . <p>i just have to remember that in five years, oldest will be in college (i hope) and in eight youngest will too.<p> only 8 more years to go. <p>wiftty