Hi Mudder,<P>I read your post on a similar subject and was hoping for more insight on a males lack of desire and sexual drive.<P>What would you say are the most profound reasons for a males lack of desire?<P>I too am frustrated. I dont want to go 3 or 4 weeks at a time without sexual intimacy. I initiate in alot of ways.. I send some one liners with sexual overtones via email. I've called him at work. A little nasty talk. I thought that men liked a lady who could also be a little vixonish. I feel so rejected, He left today to go out of town...I wanted to fool around with him this a.m "you know I dont like it in the morning" UGHH. He would have let me perform orally on him, which I guess I should have done to get things going. Im just tired of meeting his needs that way when he does get in the mood and never having my needs met. Please enlighten me on the lack of Desire. I'm sure job stress, depression ect have lots to do with lack of appetite. I'm sick of artificial stimulation.<BR>ruby

ruby,<P>I read your profile and in it you may have answered your own question. It could be that your H is having either an EA or a PA. Does there seem to be inappropriate contact between your H and this "wench"? <P>Has this always been a problem or if it is a new development?<P>I think you may need to stop fixating on the sex thing for a little while and work to identify what your H emotional needs are. Work on meeting them and it will become very natural for him to want to meet yours. What this really boils down to is communication.<P>An approach that really uses Dr. Harleys principles without using his terminology is this:<P>The next time you have a few moments alone together, you might snuggle up to him and tell him how much you love him. <pause> Then ask him what is the one thing you could do for him that would make him feel loved, what would it be. Listen carefully to what he says and then make a habit of doing it.<P>I have no idea what it will be but it might be as simple as having dinner ready or doing errands for him. After some time of doing this, ask if there is another way that you can demostrate your love for him. After a couple of cycles your H just might ask you the same question.<P>If you have filled out the emotional needs questionaire for yourself and educated yourself with Dr. Harley's other concepts, you will be ready to kindly tell him what would mean the most to you. It might be intimacy once a week or more displays of affection. Remember to make you request specific as the questionaire directs.<P>At some later time after communication with your H has improved in this regard he might be open to exploring more of Dr. Harley's concepts. I have found that if one spouse in not yet committed to improving the marriage, trying to invoke books, terminology and concepts that are part of a "program" usually is not received well. <P>All of this will take time. So watch for little improvements. If out of the blue he does something that makes a deposit in your love bank tell him how much it meant to you.<P>My wife and I are raising two teenagers and I have found that many of the principle to keep a marriage strong are similar to concepts taught about how to improve your realtionship with your teen. We were at a seminar last weekend called "Understanding Your Teen" and one principle for sure applies in marriage. It stated that: when you catch your teen (spouse) doing something right praise them for it!<P>I hope some of this is of help!

Mudder,<BR>Thanks for the timely response. I probably should update my story. No EA or PA on his part to my knowledge..just some very studpid judgement calls on his part and his lack of sensitivity, compassion, and no true understanding of what it means to be in a committed relationship or the sacrifices which partners make for one another. That being said...I still remain loyal and continue to work on the marriage. Unfortunately with only one person putting in effort we are not getting anywhere fast.<BR>I have read and implemented Harley tools and principles. He snubs any reading material, counciling, you name it. Anyhoo, Im trying not to come across as complaining here...lol<BR>I just dont understand what goes wrong with the male libido. Thanks again Mudder<BR>ruby

ruby,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ruby:<BR><B>Anyhoo, Im trying not to come across as complaining here...lol<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is the place to complain and vent so that when you do interact with your H you are more in control and less likely to LB.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ruby:<BR><B>I just dont understand what goes wrong with the male libido. Thanks again Mudder<BR>ruby</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That baffles me too. I know that sometimes work, stress, anxiety and such can affect it for a while. I also know that sex can be used as a power play. If your H is struggling with being committed to your relationship and he knows this area is a "hot" button for you (no pun intended)he just might like the "power" it gives him. If you think that this might be it you can defuse it by making it a none issue. I know that doing that is easier said then done. Some of the men and other women who are struggling with this whole deminished libido issue from your side might be able to offer advice here. Hello...anybody there...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited March 16, 2000).]

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hanora,<BR>thanks for the response. My H is 33 years old. I personally believe that his lack of desire stems from unresolved anger from past arguments. Ya know what....I only mentioned that I felt rejected after 7 days of being shot down. I'm not going to put myself in that position anymore. Guess I'll just keep gassing up the vibrator and going for a ride.<BR>lol<BR>FYI, this lack of desire seemed to have disappeared shortly after we were married 3.5 years ago. Up to that point...he couldnt keep his hands off me. And yep...Im in great shape. Thanks for everyones input. I think I shall no longer worry about things and let life roll on <BR> <BR>Happy St Paddy's<BR>ruby

Dear Ruby and Mudder:<P>I have read your posts and found some insight. <P>I think that for my H he is using it as a power play.I have been initiating now for 4 months.I have posted in other areas about him not touching me.I believe now it is bc he is affraid that if he touches me he will get excited and want to and he is in a way punnishing me for all the times that I rejected him.(not meaning to.)<P>How do you make it a "non issue"? Do I not initiate any more....wait for him? Or is it that I just don't say anything about it.<P>I just can't believe that I am finally on the same track as he and want it as much as he does now,and he has too much pride or something? <P>I just don't get it????????<P>

w.g.up.h.,<P>What I mean by making it (sex) a none issue or less of an issue is to seek all the things that make sexual intimacy a natural event first.<P>Basically I'm talking about meeting each others emotional needs. Greet your H with a hug and a peck. Nothing sexual or lingering just affection. Sit next to him (I mean touching him) when you watch TV. Play with the kids together. Take his hand. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how much you appreciate all that he does. All of this might progress to snuggling. Snuggling is a great time to talk about past hurts that you might have caused and your desire to not repeat those hurtful behaviors. <P>If your relationship is not at a point where these things are practiced then you might be puting the cart before the horse. <P>I hope this makes a little sense.<P>God Bless <><

Mudder,<P>Thank you!! <P>I know that he finds it very uncomfortable when I hug him.....He doesn't sit next to me,I sit on the couch and he sits in the rocker.I have asked him to sit next to me and sometimes he does.....but he is doing it for me...if that makes him upset isn't that then a LB? I touch him when he comes home from work,non sexually and we have fun w/the kids.<BR>Or on the weekends if he is at the computer and I am just getting up I will touch his shoulders and rub them,say good morning and maybe sometimes give him a kiss on the cheek.<P>I have been doing this for 4 months.Some times I don't do this all the time.I just try to read him and see what kind of mood he is in and I go from there.<P>Let me ask you.....why is it that he can't touch me or won't,but then he can when it comes to me initiating sex,this is the only time that he does touch me. <P>I don't understand? I did think that maybe he is affraid that if he does touch me he will get excited and I think that he doesn't want to show me that he is,or even initiate.<BR>(we have talked before about the getting back at me for rejecting him.)There are times when we can just be having fun kinding around in the kitchen or something,I can touch him non sexual and I can "see" that he has gotten excited.what do I do should I just ignore it or should I than try to have my way w/him.<P>I have really backed off of comeing on to him sexually,even though I know that he enjoyed himself I was begining to feel like this "under sexed nympho".<P>I just can't help but to feel like until he gets honest w/himself and how he is behaving I don't see a very bright future.I am a bull dog and very stuborn when I want something I get it.(ie...a great marriage.)but I do have my limits also.I just hate all of these "games".Lets get it all out come up w/a plan and do it.<P>Thank you. <P>

It's me again.<BR>I have written to this man,I have shared my inner most thoughts w/him I have stroked this man ego and than some.He has nothing to say.<BR>He has nothing to share.I get no feed back.<P>

Hi everyone,<P>I just had to put in my 2 cents worth into this discussion. Hope you don't mind, but it's something I've been dealing with for 3 years now, so I feel I'm somewhat an "authority" on the subject!! An authority on feeling rejected, that is! <P>Anyway, I've discovered several things about my husband that I believe to be true:<P>1. He really DOES NOT have a sex drive, for me, or for anyone else.<P>2. He is truthful when he says he doesn't know why.<P>3. I now know it's not me, so I try not to take it personally - that's not always successful, but at least I don't go running to the fridge anymore. <P>4. I've learned that my initiating does not sit well with him because I think he hates having to turn me down as much as I hate the rejection. So I don't initiate anymore.<P>5. He's very stressed and unhappy about his work. He doesn't feel like "part of the gang" even though he's been working there a year. A definite transition for him because he was Mr. Popularity at his former place of employement (merger, so he decided to quit).<P>I guess the point I'm trying to make Ruby is, try not to take it personally and don't initiate. I know that's hard (believe me, I know), but then you won't have to deal with the rejection.<P>I guess that's why they make those vibrators - for people like you and me! LOL<P>God bless.

P.S. (For w.g.up.h)<P>About the lack of affection: my husband said he stopped kissing and touching me even in a non-sexual manner because he said I always got turned on and wanted it to lead to something else (which was true!) and he hated to have to turn me down.<P>Perhaps your hubby feels the same way.l

Dear Emmiebear,<P>NO...that is not the case his affection went out the door shortly after the children came along.(our oldest will be 8 this summer.)<P>I don't have the problem of him "turning me down".When ever I anitiate he is always there and willing.It is the fact that for 15 years he always was the initator and in Oct he just stoped!!! In our conversations he said that he is tired of being the one to initiate (and a lot of times getting turned down.)I thought that was the problem....So I started to make the moves and he has once in 4 months.<P>In 15 years he always had his hands on me...that was part of my problem the only time that he did touch me was for sex.(the only time he paid attention to me.)we have been working on all the issues of our marriage.Funny thing is our relationship is better now,but it has completely gone now the other way.<P>I just don't get it?

Well, I've gone about 2 months now without sex. His morning woody goes to waste. Says "I dont like it in the morning" Im frustrated and brought this to his attention this a.m. Not the best timing in that he was off to work 8( <BR>I asked him straight out why he wasnt sexually attracted to me. Never a straight answer. First it was that I havent given up smoking. Hipocrite: he's smoking. Next it that I am "crude"! I ask for sex so I am crude? Says I havent initiated:Bullsh!t 3 weeks..a.m, the shower, touching, wet kisses.<BR>Not even a semi woody. I am reaching my limit here. I dont want to live like roomates. UGGGGHHHHHH. thanks for the vent!<BR>ruby

Dear Ruby,<BR>I am so sorry. <BR>Have you asked him what time would be better?<BR>I know if he is anything like my H he will probably say......"I don't know".<P>Maybe your aproach,and I only say this bc I know....now...that when you want it,you want it!! Is he stressed from work? I know that this may sound strange,but it seems like your taking on the role of a man and he is taking on the role as a woman.(men want sex,woman can take it or leave it. Generaly speaking.)<BR>So....maybe treat him as if he were a woman.LOL.. ok I know maybe I am way off but who knows.Maybe he wants the affection and just the touching,snuggling,and attention,that then will "prime" him.<P>The only reason why I say this is bc of the book,"Divorce Busting",it talks about how if you have tried things and it doesn't work you try something different.Doing a "180" is also a something.Completly doning a "180" in your behavior.<P>Let me know what you think? I will be interested in hearing.<P>

I'll keep ya posted wguph...lol on treating him like a woman. I will try the 180 technique.<BR>ruby

Dear Ruby,<P>Here is the web site I found.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com</A> <P>This is the web site for "Divorce Busting".<P>Let me know.Good Luck. :

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Emmiebear:<BR><B>Hi everyone,<P>I just had to put in my 2 cents worth into this discussion. Hope you don't mind, but it's something I've been dealing with for 3 years now, so I feel I'm somewhat an "authority" on the subject!! An authority on feeling rejected, that is! <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Emmiebear,<BR>I would love a chance to e-mail you since you're the "authority" on this subject. My husband and I have been married 9 months now (we lived together a year prior to that) - and I would really like to talk to someone who is in my situation. There are some things I think may be different, but at least maybe you could give me some perspective.<BR>If you would like - please e-mail me at lisamcc99@hotmail.com<BR>Thanks!!!<BR>

Lisa,<P>Sorry it took so long, please check your e-mail! :-)