<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I guess I just need to focus more on myself (and the
kids) and not concern myself about my WS nor my M. It might make things a little easier. <hr></blockquote> Exactly!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I'm wondering if I should just switch to Plan B because WS still is in contact with OM and I know WS has noticed
changes (from Plan A) but I've only been doing Plan A for 2-3 weeks now. <hr></blockquote> I would stick to Plan A but also keep your distance and don't pressure her.<p>good luck,
Dave

Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope...<p>Yesterday I didn't see WS until the afternoon because we had a family dentist appointment. I picked the kids up from school and then went to the dentist. Arrived @ dentist's at 1:45 <p>WS was very tired when she arrived (around 2:30 pm) and explained that she had to work very late the nite before at the hospital (got home at 2:15 am)<p>Anyway, I didn't speak much with her (I too was tired since my lack of sleep seems to be catching up with me) but she did ask me several times if I was mad or angry at her. I just said no and left it at that. WS did appologize for being ugly at the consulors and I told her I understood and that I knew she had a lot of anger and I was the cause of the bulk of it. However, I was kind of aloof or standoffish because I figure she can start to talk to me -- I'm trying to act as if I'm moving on in life.<p>I talked to my MIL that evening and she had talked with my WS and said that WS had nothing but positives to say about me and didn't mention filing either. MIL also helped build me up (again) by reminding me that this wasn't my fault, WS made the decision and that I'm a good man and person. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping this stuff in perspective because of how bad I feel -- I miss WS and I feel guilty because I neglected her and our relationship for some time now (I helped create the environment). MIL also said that I just need to be strong and try to give WS more time. <p>MIL also said that WS mentioned once or twice that WS couldn't be with me right now -- implying that maybe she is intrigued with my changes and wants to see if they are genuine and permanent since there really hasn't been enough time for these changes to really take root.<p>So I felt better last nite.<p>WS came by this morning and I was ready to leave right away but she wanted to talk so I stayed...<p>(what a bad move)<p>WS asked if I was angry with her and again I told her no but if I was I would certainly let her know. WS asked how things were going and especially with the kids. I told what I had done since I got them back on Monday. <p>I then told her that I thought she looked good and that I still think she is the most beautiful women in the universe. WS didn't seem to appreciate it and then proceeded to tell me that she and roommate would be going out of town for the weekend for a rugby tourny -- WS said she was going to play (probably) but I KNOW that OM will be going up there to see WS!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I didn't say much after that and I left for work.<p>I cried a bit on the way to work but I am resigned to the fact that WS is going to pursue this other relationship and all I can do is let it happen and not let it hurt me any more than it already has. <p>I guess instead of letting her go I must just imagine cutting her loose (like using a scalpel) because letting go is too painful and slow -- at least if I cut it will hopefully be quick. <p>At least if I let her go I won't ache like I do and what WS does won't stab at me like it seems to do.<p>Right now I'm feeling a lot of hatred toward WS because of the mean things she has said lately and that she implies that I'm the reason for all of this rather than us both being responsible for this mess.<p>I am in BS fog because even though I write this I STILL LOVE HER. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The rollercoaster ride continues...<p>Take care and God Bless<p>Frank1000<p>
Life may be compared to a piece of embroidery of which, during the first half of our time, we get a sight of the right side, and during the second half, of the wrong. The wrong side is not as pretty but it is more instructive; it shows the way in which the threads have been worked together (to make the pattern).<p> -- Arthur Schopenhauer

Frank, You will find that you will switch between hate and missing her up to several times a day,it is a hard rollercoster to be on. Even if you cut her lose you will still have these same emotions for some time, don't expect any quick fixes.<p>The thing that seems to work the best here is to
avoid contact if at all possible, when you have contact be friendly but that is it, no complements, no I love you, no cards, no I miss you, just be friendly and keep it short. I move forward on your part will just drive her back.
You push, she pulls away. You need to reverse the situation, you pull away and lets she if she starts to come back. Continue to work on your changes, we want these to be life long changes, get some sleep, and wait it out. I know this is tough, I am in the exact same situation.
Take care, hang in there,
Dave

Thanks Dave.<p>I look forward to your advice since it has been right on and I know (after reading your posts elsewhere) that you are suffering through the (relatively) same mess I am (if not more so).<p>It's just very difficult to continue to turn the other cheek when both cheeks are getting sore, calloused, and bloody (figuratively) but that's how much I still love WS.<p>Again I just try to remind myself of the positives in my life (kids, work, support from friends, and exercising -- Man, I am fit and I look great and haven't weighed this light in 20 years). I just try to make it thru the day without being too concerned with what tomorrow may have in store because it is a rollercoaster and what happens I'm not expecting and certainly not (often) prepared for it.<p>Also, I am diligently working on improving myself. Only be continually working on myself (right now) can I ensure these changes are permanent and lifelong. (WS has noticed them but I feel that she is unsure whether they are sincere and permanent but only time will tell and if she isn't convinced, then it's not my problem. Plus WS is suffering from guilt and won't allow herself to be moved by the changes I am making)<p>It has made it easier that I haven't been concerned with what WS has been doing (she is the one that has been keeping me up-to-date on her activities -- I haven't been inquiring or snoopying around). That way, I've been trying to minimize my hurt.<p>Take care and God Bless<p>Frank1000<p>Get all the advice you can and be wise the rest of your life.<p> -- Proverbs 19:20

Wow, I'm so glad I found this website. Reading Dr. Haley's research and advice and seeing all these posts make me feel like I have more hope somehow. I also see how I have something in common with a lot of you.<p>I noticed that HopelessinAZ said that replies take a while here but if I reply to some posts, people will reply to mine. <p>I wrote an indepth post on the Plan A/B section about my recent situation (My wife telling me she is no longer in love and has strong feelings maybe even love for a coworker who shares her feelings though they haven't acted yet.) <p>It seems that people are saying I have more hope since:
a) it is so early (just happened 2 months ago that she revealed this to me.)
b) my wife is still living with me and she is not 100% sure it is over, though she is pretty sure.
c) I'm reading this site and trying to only make deposits (meet her needs) and not make withdrawals.<p>I think a divorce, for us, would more likely permanently end things (though I know there is still hope after that.) I want to do what it takes to not get a divorce or even have my wife file for one. I want to meet her needs and hope that she will gain enough feeling back for me that she will choose to completely stop seeing her coworker. I feel that since it is so early and they haven't done anything there is more hope but I must act now before things get worse (i.e. divorce, affair, separation.)<p>Please read my other post and let me know what I should do. Also, what is Divorce Busting? Where can I read it?<p>
Thanks,<p>-Heartbroken but Hopeful

AANAST-2,
Here is the link to divorce busting: I have read the site but not the book, I here it is good.
http://www.divorcebusting.com./index.html
You do have alot of hope, keep reading and working on yourself and put together a good Plan a or Plan B, depending on your situation. I have found that sticking to 1 or 2 boards, depending on the situation has worked best for me. The GQII boards is also very good. I will try to look at your post later. A divorce is only a piece of paper, that is all it is don't give it any more power than that.<p>Frank, you do have alot of positives going for you and things will work out one way or the other for all of us here. I know it is so hard to give up on someone that we love so much, the pain and saddness are so intense. It is good that you are working out and taking care of yourself, I am doing the same, I am also in better shape at 37 than I have ever been in my life, my bench press is back up to 250 lbs and I have really trimmed down. Keep up the good work, it will help you through the tough times and we both know this is a long road.<p>It is great that you are not concerning yourself what she is doing, it doesn't change anything and only hurts you, work on what you have control over - yourself.<p>You may have to start to set some boundries if you feel you are at the end of your rope. If you have read my other posts you know that is what I am trying to do - limit contact, don't be there for her, be nice when you do have exchange the kids or something but keep it short, no phone calls, etc.
Live as if you were divorced, I also cut all financialy support, I am trying to do a real Plan B, I am trying to show her what it is going to be like if we divorce, I only have 3 months and 3 day left to our divorce, I need to get this right.
You need to protect yourself and not to LB wither you are in Plan A or Plan B. Mabye you can come up with a list of boundries that you would like to implent and post them for some feedback?
Take care, keep in touch,
Dave

Dave,<p>Thanks for the reply.<p>I will keep trying Plan A and hope that I can still make deposits into the lovebank since we are still friendly with each other and living together and she has not acted physically with her coworker. Overtime as I change my behavior, I hope her feelings will grow for me and she will want to end seeing the coworker completely and we can rebuild.<p>I have been reading more of the message board and have some questions.<p>People have said that the BS should not appear weak in front of the WS. Is this for everyone?<p>I think that one of the reasons that my wife is with me currently because she feels sorry for me and wants to ease my pain. She holds me when I cry and wants to assure herself that I will be ok and not go crazy or commit suicide and will find someone. She wants to ease her pain with me showing that I can get on with my life. She's even told me to find someone else.<p>I don't know what to make of it. If take the advice of the message boards and not show my pain, won't that make her feel it is ok to divorce me and start a relationship with her coworker?<p>Thanks,
-Heartbroken and Hopeful

Dave,<p>I am concentrating on myself now and not being concerned with what WS does -- this keeps from hurting me.<p>Also, if WS wants to see OM I can't prevent it and so why cause needless stress by worrying about that which I can't control?<p>I am now just trying to act like I am moving on...<p>I have taken on an air of aloofness and I think it has made an impression. Dave, I think you are correct -- there is an inverse relationship between the BS and WS (I guess you can tell I'm an engineer) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The last day or two when WS is around, I am still dressed nice and smiling but I don't have much to say and don't pay much attention to her. I'm trying to not just act like I'm letting her go but actually setting her free so I don't hurt myself anymore. Only by truly letting WS go will she ever come back.<p>This morning when WS came to wake kids up and get them ready to take to school (as usual), I was already prepared to leave for work. WS came in and we both said "Hi". I proceeded to put on my jacket and get my workout bag and leave when WS asked, "Are you mad at me?" <p>"No", I told her, I'm fine. Have a good day. Bye." I smiled at her when I said that to WS.<p>And then I left for work.<p>I felt fine going to work because I've come to the realization that I just need to focus on myself (first) and my kids (second) and WS not at all! I don't need the stress plus again I can only control myself. Also, I guess if WS is wrapped up in doing what she is doing "for herself" then I guess I can do the things I want and enjoy "for myself" too. (What's good for the gander is good for the goose -- in this situation)
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WS just called me at work (she hasn't even taken kids to school yet, it's too early to drop them off). WS offered to give me money to help pay for food (you've been feeding the kids all this time) and some more money for some clothes I bought our D on Tuesday. I politely declined WS offer (I can always use more cash but I don't need it and I want WS to realize that I don't need her help). <p>WS then asked if I was mad this morning. (WS is starting to sound like a broken record the last couple of days). Again I told her "No, but if I am, I will let you know."<p>"Well, I was just wondering. I thought maybe someone may have told you something."<p>I said, "No one has told me anything. Why, what are you talking about?"<p>"Nothing," WS said. "I was just wondering because you've been acting different lately, like you are mad at me."<p>"No, I'm not mad at you," I said.<p>"Well, okay. I was just wondering," WS said.<p>That was pretty much the extent of the conversation.<p>I started on Tuesday to do what Lupolady has done, which is to not try to start or continue conversation with WS because if WS doesn't want to talk to me then fine, I've got better things to do with my time than patiently wait for WS to talk or interact with me.<p>Now here's why I agree with Dave about the inverse relationship. When I started minimizing conversation, WS became concerned that I'm angry with her. I've started to pull away and WS now seems concerned with whether I'm angry (funny but when I was angry that she is/was with OM, that didn't seem to bother her).<p>WS certainly has noticed that my interest in her has changed (waned) and I guess it's made her curious (or at least gotten her wondering).<p>I've been thinking about her planned trip to the rugby tourny this weekend (and the probable rondevouz with OM) -- and I don't care. Yeah, it still hurts that WS is doing this but the pain is a lot less than it was and I keep thinking that I deserve better but that what WS is doing can't hurt me unless I let it.<p>I know that I will continue to turn the other cheek (for a while longer) and I will continue to view WS like a teenager -- sometimes teens (my WS) do thing that anger the parents (me - BS) and may/will result in punishment/consequences for the teen but the parents will keep loving the child. This analogy helps me deal with the reality of what my WS is doing and the pain of me keep turning the other cheek (and having it smacked again).<p>But not to be lost in all of this, I am moving on with my life and maybe WS will realize ALL that she stands to lose (eventually) by what she is doing.<p>Take care and God Bless<p>Frank1000<p>Your success is only limited by your desire.<p> -- Bazooka Joe [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

AANAST-2,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> People have said that the BS should not appear weak in front of the WS. Is this for everyone?<hr></blockquote> Well I am not sure it is for everyone but the concept is that if you appear strong you are more attractive to your WS.
You don't want her pitty, you want her love, she doesn't want to be around someone that is weak. I know it hurts like hell, I used to lay on the kitchen floor and cry when my WS left but in the long run this is doing more damage. If you need to cry, and you will, don't do it in front of her, be an actor if you have to but only show her how strong you are becoming and all of the improvements you are making for yourself, don't point them out, she will take notice.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She's
even told me to find someone else. <hr></blockquote> Ignore this, she wants you to find someone else to ease her guilt, don't let her off the hook so easy. Work on yourself, become a better person, be friend and stong, and confident.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> don't know what to make of it. If take the advice of the message boards and not show my pain, won't that make
her feel it is ok to divorce me and start a relationship with her coworker? <hr></blockquote> I don't think so. Eventually she is going to leave it that is what she wants to do, you need to make yourself attractive and stong so that she will miss you, she will probably come to see that the grass in not greener and in the mean time you will have become this better, more attactive person.
Keep reading and posting, your doing good.<p>Frank, I am a engineer too, EE. You are right on track... your WS is now confused, she sees the improvements and that you are moving on in your life, she has taken notice, now you have her wondering what the heck is going on, you are not going to be there forever waiting for her. Keep this up, it may take some time put the plan is kicking in!!!!<p>Check out the Tough Love Post, Petvet, you, and I and probably AANAS-2 are in almost identical situations, I was thinking of starting a new thread so that we can share our daily events with each other and learn from them. What do you think?

aanast-2,<p>quote:
--------------------------------------------------
don't know what to make of it. If take the advice of the message boards and not show my pain, won't that make
her feel it is ok to divorce me and start a relationship with her coworker?
--------------------------------------------------<p>You must deal with your pain. It is something that has to be dealt with. No one wants you to stuff those feelings. Just deal with them on a more private level. You need to do this because the iontensity of the pain that the WS has caused is often too much for them to bear and adds to their angst and turmoil after the immediate discovery of the affair. Trust me, it does not usually bring the WS to their knees begging forgiveness.<p>However, you should and must communicate to your W these things: her continuation of the affair is causing you greaty pain and detrimental to your marriage long-term, AND your continued love, willingness and desire to reconcile and make whatever personal changes are necessary for the well-being and recovery of your marriage.<p>You need to communicate these things, but at this stage, don't expect your W to do the things she needs to do right away. By voicing your disapproval of the affair, she will know how you feel. Unfortunately, this alone does not usually bring a WS to ends the affair. <p>Work a good Plan A right now, and give her a REASON to reconsider you.<p>Good luck, Desiree

Dave and Desiree,<p>Thanks for your reply and support. It really helps me feel better.<p>My wife came home early today for a change. I was glad to see her.<p>We had good interaction. She eventually turned the coversation to her wanting a divorce.<p>She revealed that:
a) she has seen the coworker outside of work
b) hugged him
c) "loves" him
d) thinks he loves her
e) made plans for moving out<p>She apologized and wanted to reach out and tell me how sorry she was for hurting me. I gently told her that I want the marriage to work and love her and only by her giving up seeing him will it work. She says she doesn't want to and couldn't if she wanted to. (fog I guess) She says she would cheat on me now if he wanted to but he wants her divorced first.<p>In the meanwhile I'm going with my strong Plan A which she is just in shock about (ie. that I am not angry and hurt and not leaving her). I explained that I am hurt that she is doing this but that I am trying to save our marriage. She wants to know what she can do/say so our marriage will not be worth saving. I realize now that she wants me to divorce her and she is only being "honest" about things to push me away (cause a LoveBuster which I won't do.)<p>My question now is how do I keep a Plan A if we get divorced? (refuse but keep the process cordial?) - if she divorces me and I never see her, how do I keep doing Plan A? or does it automatically become Plan B not by my choice?<p>I want to try the 6 months of Plan A but 1) she probably won't be around that long (maybe a week or two max the way she says things) and 2) she hasn't fully started the affair - it is not an affair if we are divorced right? I fear if they work on things to make their relationship right, it won't just die out after the typical 6 months.<p>Thanks again,<p>-Heartbroken but Hopeful

Dave,<p>You are right, WS does seem to be confused...<p>This morning when WS came to wake up kids and take them to school, she said that she may not go to the rugby tourny because there is none, it is just an alumni type party/gathering. She was basically unsure whether she was going or not. <p>I told her to have a safe trip if she went and to have a good time.<p>She noticed I was wearing some new shoes and I told her to have a good day and I left for work. I was dressed in new clothes (jeans and a nice shirt since it's "dress down Friday" at work)<p>I kept it short but sweet and pleasant and we were together for less than 3 minutes.
I guess Plan A is beginning to have some effect on her -- nothing obvious just little things in her manner that indicate she is unsure of things (maybe) and/or is intrigued by what is going on. I am going to continue with Plan A and just keep "moving on".<p>The interesting thing since I've tried to move on and let her go is that I'm not troubled anymore by WS actions (ie going to rugby tourny -- read "see OM") nor hurt by it. I've tried to take the attitude that "I don't care what you do. I can't stop or control it and I won't resist anymore. I'm just leaving it behind me." <p>Sounds kinda harsh but it seems to working for me now (but I bet once I'm comfortable, the rollercoast will take another plunge). Maybe that's the key. That I've decided to get off the rollercoast by not caring what WS does -- so if WS wants to see OM so what. I'm not going to take the plunge since I'm not riding anymore. So what if WS says something encouraging or hopeful, I'm not going to get built up because I'm not riding the rollercoast; I don't care.<p>I still LOVE my WS but this is my way of starting to move on and live my life without her (again I must set her free if she will ever come back). I'm not saying it's over or I'm thru -- I'm not but again I can only control myself and if WS wants to do these things (or maybe even file for divorce) it won't hurt me bacause I don't care. <p>Take care and God Bless,<p>Frank1000<p>
A man becomes what he thinks about most of the time.<p> -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi Frank,<p>Just a quick word and a word of caution. Be careful how far you let yourself go. It is good to distance yourself and work on yourself in Plan A - not good to empty your love bank balance where yourself gets into a "whatever mode". It sounds like you may be close to a Plan B? Remember to read up on the difference between the two. <p>It sounds like you are doing great though! Good job! Reading your last few posts reminded me of one of my favorite prayers:<p>God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.<p>I'll be praying for you!

Worth It,<p>Don't get me wrong, I still Love my WS and I don't think I'm emptying my love bank. I just feel like your quote -- I can't control WS actions so I'm trying to move on (but not let go too much) and by not taking an interest in what WS is doing (by not caring) I've been able to decrease/eliminate the hurt she is causing me.<p>My WS is in control here; it will be her decision whether she wants to return and reconcile -- I've let her know how I feel and all I can do is get on with my life -- with or without her.<p>I am still doing the Plan A (maybe with a pinch of Plan B thrown in) but my improvements/changes are being noticed by WS and may even intrigue her but I can't concern myself if WS has or hasn't noticed. I am focusing on myself and my kids and if WS likes what she sees then maybe she will come around; if not, then I will have made progress with myself and in moving on.<p>It also protects me from being hurt (again)<p>I know this may sound contradictory but that's how I feel -- I love WS but I don't care what she does but I will keep turning the other cheek as long as I can stand it.<p>Thanks again and God bless,<p>Frank1000<p>Don't talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow!<p> -- Proverbs 10:19

dave-<p>You are right, it does seem like quite a few of us are in the same boat. We could start a new thread or might as well just continue this one.<p>
Frank1000-<p>I agree your WS seems confused which is a good thing and could bring reconciliation sooner.<p>I would like to do what you are doing and I could do what you are doing but in some ways it seems that I would not be giving my wife attention which is one of her Emotional Needs. If I completely carry on like I'm moving on to the point of "whatever" that seems like Plan B and not the part of Plan A (try to meet the needs of the WS and give them a great last reminder of you before Plan B). I believe my WS started the emotional affair because I was not showing her attention/affection (meeting her EN) and my plan A thus far has confused her (though she is not very confused lately.)<p>I see it this way: My wife felt I didn't love her in a way by neglecting her not meeting her EN. Her lovebank went below the range for romantic love with me and went above it with the OM. Her revealing of the OM to me was becasue she thought I would end it. It shocked her that I do love her. I thought that might be enough to put us back on track but she is too far gone in the fog. We are only together now because of her fear of what she should do next (where to live, what her family will think, etc...) <p>I'm just not sure how I keep "being nice" to her with Plan A if/when she files for divorce, wants to sell the house etc... when I don't want to do that.<p>
-Heartbroken and a bit hopeful

I am Going through a very similar thing right now, but I refuse to give up. I will find a way to return in our lives to where we are meant to be. If you truely believe in your love for your wife I would not be so hasty to surrender. Have you tried to be Happy around her, is the only time you see her at therapy? Try asking her out on a date. See to it that you have fun when togather. Be the better alternative tthan the other man. This is just my opinion. I am going to try what I just wrote myself. I pray to god that it makes some difference.

Just one comment, if you know that your wife will not go on a date then don't push, in my experience it drives them closer to OP. You need to do Plan A as long as you can to show her the new person that you are becoming, make deposits, no LBs and basically try to let the A take its course and have the OP LBs, you are trying to outlast the OP. Harleys suggest atleast 6 months in Plan A
before switching to Plan B. You want to show her what she is going to be missing and your improvements in Plan A. Plan B tries to force the A to end but can back fire if the OM can mee all of the WS ENs so it should be the last resort,
My 2 cents anyway

Frank-<p>quote---------------------------------------
I did major LB by telling her I still wanted to work on the marriage, that I've changed and that I want to meet her emotional needs -- I opened my mouth and my foot fell right out!)
quote----------------------------------------<p>how is the above a major LB? because it is annoying? because you should be showing and not telling her?
I have told my WS that many times. It does frustrate her. hmmm...<p>
dave-
I agree about the comment on not pushing. I have been doing that with Plan A sometimes too much. It is my personality though. I have to work on that.<p>I have two questions:<p>1) One of my wife's needs is physical. She loves massages and I rarely gave them to her. Now I give them to her every night (this and a hug every morning before we go to work is all the physical contact we have.) I try to talk and joke with her too (meeting other needs) but I rarely see her except when she comes home to sleep. I enjoy meeting her needs and will continue to do so. My question is that soon the OM will be meeting her physical needs and she won't want me too. What then? I guess keep up with meeting whatever needs I can?<p>2) I don't want to switch to Plan B becasue I fear that the OM can meet all her needs and I will lose her forever. I will continue with Plan A (until I am bankrupt) but my question is how do you keep doing Plan A if the WS:<p>-moves out
-files for divorce
-tries to sell the house
-get separate accounts
-wants BS' help with these.<p>Thanks,<p>-Heartbroken and a bit hopeful

Frank1000 I beleive that your approach of emotional detachment is the right one for the type of WS you have. It keeps your sanity and in control 'to act on' instead of 'reacting to'. <p>Like the title of this thread says 'She's insistent it's over and she wants a divorce' and so the needy and clingy approach of many BS will simply backfire with this kind of WS.<p>I don't want to give you false hope but I suspect that her 'fog' is clearing and she is seeing a glimpse of a future without you and she is not comfortable with said future.<p>Keep up the good work Frank. I am rooting for you and your approach.<p>Joe

aanast,<p>You wrote:
I have two questions:<p>1) One of my wife's needs is physical. She loves massages and I rarely gave them to her. Now I give them to her every night (this and a hug every morning before we go to work is all the physical contact we have.) I try to talk and joke with her too (meeting other needs) but I rarely see her except when she comes home to sleep. I enjoy meeting her needs and will continue to do so. My question is that soon the OM will be meeting her physical needs and she won't want me too. What then? I guess keep up with meeting whatever needs I can?<p>RMA answer: When and if that happens, then you will likely be in plan B. That would force the OM to meet ALL of her needs.....IF he can.<p>2) I don't want to switch to Plan B becasue I fear that the OM can meet all her needs and I will lose her forever. I will continue with Plan A (until I am bankrupt) but my question is how do you keep doing Plan A if the WS:<p>-moves out
-files for divorce
-tries to sell the house
-get separate accounts
-wants BS' help with these<p>RMA answer: I too was deathly afraid of Plan B. I obsessively worried that I was sending the 'wrong' messgae to my then-spouse: that I wanted the divorce and not to reconcile. But, I cousnelled with Steve and he advised me strongly to do it. You must not be afraid. This may be a step that becomes necessay to give your marriage the BEST chance at recovery. During plan A, many WS just enjoy the attention of bothe the BS and the OP. There is little incentive for them to give you the "best of both worlds" so to speak. Plan B will get the fence-sitter off the fence, and many of us have had to go there.<p>These things can go either way, aanast. You must not let your fear stand in the way of helping your marriage. There are just so many things you CAN do that will make a difference, and Plan B is one of the, Please do counsel with Steve, if you have not done so already. Just a few sessions won't break your bank, and may make all the difference in the world to you emotionally.<p>Desiree