My husband and I have been married almost 21 yrs, happily most of the time and we have 3 children. About 4 yrs ago, his lack of interest in sex, kind of worried me, but we went through a long-distance move and he made a complete change in careers, so I figured it was stress. About a yr later, I discovered that he had been going into M4M chat rooms and also emailing a few guys. He even talked on the phone and thought about meeting one of them. He denied all of this when I first told him what I knew, but he finally admitted it. He kept saying how sorry he was for hurting me and that he didn't want to ever hurt me or the kids, let alone lose us. I was extremely hurt, but for the sake of our children, we talked things through and I eventually began trusting him again. Our sex life has been better then it ever has been and communication has also been better. A few months ago, he changed jobs and he hates it. Well, my gut feeling about a month ago, was correct, he's been checking out guy porn sites and also checking out chat rooms again. I've confronted him and he says that he's been real down, because of his job and it's when he feels low about himself that he is interested in the fantasy of other guys. He tells me that it's not all that unusual for married guys!?? But my gut tells me there's more to it, whether he's bi-curious or something more, unless I'm over-reacting?? I'm hurt and even more confused. Because I do love him and I want him to be happy, I also want the best for the kids, my peace of mind would be nice too! HELP!?!?

Well, I'm not a married guy, but from what I've seen on the board, while it's not uncommon for married men (and women) to fantasize about others, bisexual fantasies aren't so common.<P>You and your H should seek counseling as soon as possible. If the first 17 years of your marriage were pretty happy, as it seems, I'm as clueless as you to explain why he's bi-curious now - unless, of course, the explanation is that it's not a new thing, just one that you've recently found out about...<P>I'm really underqualified to be giving advice about this type of situation, but wanted to reply to you so you knew someone had read your post. Others will too, and will respond back with advice (much more helpful than mine) just be patient, it's a little slow around here on weekends.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks for the replies. Both of you reminded me of something that I forgot to mention, my H did tell me once about an encounter with another guy in high school. He says that it's only been the last few years as he crept closer to the age of 40 and also job stress that he has had the curiousity. And yes, this whole situation has been scary, in the fact I haven't known where to turn. I have ordered a couple books for some info, but I've also talked to my H again about counseling. We're just wondering how you go about finding a counselor that specializes in sexual orientation??

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

ann4060,<P>May I offer something a little different to think about. Is it possible that he is depressed? I ask this because when people are depressed and losing focus on their lives, the look for something startling to give them some feeling. This can be pain or joy. I think many affairs are caused because the betrayer especially if depressed just want to feel something at all.<P>It may not be so much about his sexual proclivity or your attraction to him but of trying something different in his life to feel something right now. If this is the case, maybe talking to him about some anti-depressants might help.<P>It is just a thought, but one worth considering.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>Sounds not unlike my husband. The stress mounts, bills, jobs, kids, etc. and the carefree teen years look mighty good in retrospect.<P>The good news is that you know about it and you are talking about it. That will help to defuse the situation all by itself. It may be hard to believe but this might be more about sorting out things for himself, not related to sexual orientation, than it is about you or his relationship with you.<P>The most scary part of your post was the "thought about meeting one of them", what did he think they would do? I will not get graphic about the possiblities but I think I would ask him. People don't arrange these meeting for coffee.<P>I don't think either of our husbands have taken the most beneficial route to that sorting out, but based on present behavior I am willing to give mine the benefit of doubt. What you should do about yours depends on what he does and says in the coming days.<P>As far as how do you find a counselor who specializes in sexual orientation, I used the yellow pages. If you want I will ask my paychologist next week if there is any sort of professional organization or whatever that you might access to find one in your area.<P>There are other resources but until you determine whether this is a mid-life crisis quirk or an ongoing problem, they will scare you more than help you.<P>My best advice from having been there is to keep him talking to you, let him explore his fantasies and determine what they might mean with you. It's probably going to be really hard on you. I felt and still, to a lesser extent, feel inadequate, unattactive, rejected, you name it. But and this is a very big but, we are communicating better than ever before, my husband feels we are closer than ever before, more truely intimate.<P>I most sincerely hope some of this helps, I do know something of what you are going through, and possible a glimmer of what your husband is going through. I really do believe we are on Recovery Road and we are enjoying it. <P>Take care and if I can be of any assistance post again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks again for the replies, any perspective and advice from someone that's been there, has really been helpful. One thing you brought up Hanora was about my H interest at one point to "meet", a guy he had emailed and that he had even told him where he worked, well one day the guy showed up and introduced himself. My H said it literally scared the S out of him, he said he realized he had carried out his fantasy too far and that he told the guy to leave him alone, course the guy kept calling for a couple weeks and when my husband changed jobs, he said the guy finally left him alone. When I had found out about all of this, I asked some very point blank and graphic ?'s, to which he told me he couldn't even stomach the idea of doing some of what might have happened if he had meet anyone. My gut feeling is that I believe him when he continues to tell me he has NO desire in ever meeting anyone. He says he just likes to listen in on chat rooms, since the scare he doesn't even email or IM and talk to anyone. And in answer to the other reply, my H did start taking anti-depressant about 5 yrs ago, I honestly don't think at times it helps. But he also didn't like the Dr. he had to go see, my H said the Dr. made him feel more depressed. Another long story there, but he is doing better then he was, to make a long story short. Thanks again for the suggestions!<BR>

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi, Ann,<BR>Here is a page that deals with your issue: <A HREF="http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk." TARGET=_blank>http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk.</A> There is a resources page for support groups for spouses of les/bi/gay people. There are nearly 1 million closet cases in heterosexual relationships in the United States, and that number is probably a low side estimate.<P>Good luck from someone whose spouse has not been as honest as yours.