What is the concensus of the group regarding the age old question: Are the kids (8 & 11) better off with 2 parents in loveless marriage or are they better off with 2 divorced happy(?) parents?<p>Any help/thoughts/comments would be greatly appreciated...

Let my preface my comments by first stating "Happiness in not a by-product of divorce".<p>My opinion is that the children are better off in an in-tact, loving two parent home. Not knowing anything about your situation, it may not be possible to have it that way. <p>The level of positive parental guidance post-divorce also plays a major role in their mental well-being. <p>Personally, I have 3 girls (12,9,7) and I am an extremely dedicated father with Joint Physical Custody. I am with my girls approx. 1/2 the time. I have them in counselling to work through the lingering issues.<p>Long story short, my girls would of been better off in a loving, nurturing, 2-parent home but that wasn't an option so with much patience, guidence, attention, and affection I pray that they will end up on the correct path.

Based on my own experience, I have good news and bad news.<p>The good news. My parents separated when I was 7 and divorced a year later. I cried when it happened, but not after that. I have absolutely no memory of fantasizing that my parents were still married. Ever. I remember Christmas when they were still only separated, I saw them kiss and felt terribly uncomfortable. I was always a good student, and am now a successful, happy adult. My younger brother was a handful, but always a sweet kid, and is now also a successful, happy adult. We had no counseling, and never really needed it. I don't mean to say I wasn't changed by the divorce. I don't wear the rose-colored glasses I think many of my contemporaries wear with regard to marriage. I know that people can mean "til death do we part" when they say it, but stuff can happen to change that. I don't believe in "The One." Some may disagree, but I think I'm better off that way -- wiser, more mature, and better able to take care of myself. I would say my brother shares a similar perspective. I am 37; my brother is 32.<p>The bad news. My father remarried once (still married). My mother remarried twice (and divorced both men). As a child -- especially a teenager -- I hated being a step-child. I mean hate hate hate hate hate hate hate (hate hate). I think that step-parents and teenagers are a volatile mixture and should be avoided at all costs. Go ahead and date. But wait until the kids are shipped off to college before you get married. If you do that, you will improve the chances of success for your second marriage, and reduce the bruises to your relationship with your children. Don't give a relative newcomer any role approaching "parent." Wait until you're kids are in college and can relate to your new spouse as an adult, rather than as a quasi-parent.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>curious53:
The bad news. My father remarried once (still married). My mother remarried twice (and divorced both men). As a child -- especially a teenager -- I hated being a step-child. I mean hate hate hate hate hate hate hate (hate hate). I think that step-parents and teenagers are a volatile mixture and should be avoided at all costs. Go ahead and date. But wait until the kids are shipped off to college before you get married. If you do that, you will improve the chances of success for your second marriage, and reduce the bruises to your relationship with your children. Don't give a relative newcomer any role approaching "parent." Wait until you're kids are in college and can relate to your new spouse as an adult, rather than as a quasi-parent. <hr></blockquote><p>Interesting observations curious53. Much has been said about the effects of divorce on children but this is one of the few times where I've seen someone comment on the effects of 2nd and 3rd marriages on the children.<p>While I agree with you that the 'ideal' situation in a loveless M is to stick with it until the children become young adults, the reality is that both parents are going to find other people they are going to fall in love with and marry. <p>I agree that children and step parents often times resent one another and create tremendous friction that eventually destroys the M. I've even seen situations where the children deliberately try to sabotage the M as a way to get back not only at the step parent but at the CP as well (sometimes with much sucess). <p>I've also been a witness where the children get along better with the step parent than with their mother and father, but it's because the CP and the future step parent have been considerate of the children's feelings and have done their best to assure them that they are important in their decision to marry or not each other.<p>Joe

No, please don't misunderstand me. I do not at all believe in sticking it out for the sake of the kids. I think divorce can be the best thing all around for some families. Moreover, I don't think kids are usually scarred by divorce. The kids I have seen who were scarred were those who had one parent who just could not get over the divorce. But most kids of divorce I know are just as normal (or not) as the kids of intact marriages.<p>No, I do not believe in sticking with it for the sake of the kids.<p>I do, however, believe that the chances of happy remarriage with teenagers in the house are slim. Date, go steady, have sleepovers (discretely). But ship them off to college before you tie the knot again.<p>I realize I'm probably alienating almost everyone on this board with these words. I'm not trying to disprove MB -- just share my experience and observations from the point of view of the kids. I have no reason to believe my life would be happier if my parents had never divorced.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by RASD:
<strong>What is the concensus of the group regarding the age old question: Are the kids (8 & 11) better off with 2 parents in loveless marriage or are they better off with 2 divorced happy(?) parents?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>If this were a question on a logic test, I would identify it as a "false dichotomy".