i am really about to go crazy. i really don't even have the energy to update. i am so hurt, so tired, so frustrated and so belittled i feel like i don't want to fininsh this day out. i am right on the brink here...<p>i just need to know how to do an effective plan b... i have nothing more to give, but i can't seem to stop giving. what the hell is wrong with me. somebody plz, tell me how to stop putting myself on the emotional rollercoaster. i need help... bad...<p>finally divorced, but still having an affair w/ex husband...

I'll give you the lead in... in Plan A...
...and the followup... Plan B....<p>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.) and Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.) and Plan B - 201.<p>I'm not sure where you're at...
...if Plan A was done well or not...
...but sometimes (rarely but sometimes)... a quick movement to Plan B is in order.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR<p>PS. check out Notable Posts/Threads too!

Hey Girl,<p>Ain't seen you around for a month of Sunday's. Sorry that your here under distress. Kim, you have to tell yourself what you are worth and quit selling yourself short. Get your self-esteem back up and don't let yourself be vonurable. It truly is easier said than done but it is something that needs to done. Right now your hurting yourself and you know it. Pray hard and stop doing the things that hurt you....<p>Best of luck. Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

it's me again. really falling apart here. i can't even muster up the energy to finish this day off... i have 2.5 more hours of work and i feel like i am about to freak...<p>the ex and i have had some very damaging dialog back and forth with each other. things have been said that cannot be forgotten and/or forgiven, by either one of us... <p>finally it all comes down to who is best at inflicting the pain.. he won... i don't feel that i even want to live. i feel like i will never be able to pick myself up from this entire part of my life. i have suffered deeply and continue to suffer. today i am certain that our affair is over for good, which ultimately will be best, but the things that wee said and done will take so much longer to heal from... OMG i really need help...

idostylin - I was pleased to see your name, sorry to see your update.<p>If you need help - get it.<p>Stop your part in the destructive pattern.<p>Disengage. Distance.<p>And focus on you. Trying to hurt him also hurts yourself. In many ways. Treat yourself better.<p>It's the least you deserve.<p>And oh yeah. If you need help... get it.<p>Give to yourself.<p>Dan<p>BTW - a conversation with one of the Harley's may be a great idea...<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Plan B isn't easy, but if you are at your wits end, you need to do what you need to do.<p>IT sounds like you will need a good support system and possibly a counselor, at least in the beginning to help you keep up the no contact.<p>Writing the Plan B letter is also helpful for closure on both of your parts, even though you are divorced.<p>Your Ex sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It's hard letting go. Maybe you can read some books like Rebuilding after Divorce or the Language of Letting go. I think that Roughneck has a post somewhere in the last 10 days where he asks for book suggestions to help him move on, and he got alot of good ones.<p>Why have our WS and now Exs done this to us and continue to do this to us? There are no easy answers, but we need to let them cintinue down their self destructive path - WITHOUT US. Believe it or not, we have the tools we need to go onto really happy and productive lives. It is doubtful that we could say it about our Ex spouses. <p>Try to refocus you energy on you! Don't waste another brain cell on your Ex. And just take life one day at a time right now. You're going to make it! K

Idostylin,<p>First things first. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Idostylin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Now, if you need about a hundred more hugs and some encouragement, you can email me at work at cindy_wolfe@blm.gov or at home at cindy_cj_wolfe@hotmail.com. Meanwhile, I'm gonna email you as soon as I'm done posting here, girl.<p>Hon, I had one of those weekends with my H too. The kind where things are said that don't just hurt, they annihilate you--the damage is so severe that you can't recover and don't want to. So, I know exactly how you feel. One part of you just wants him to love you SO BAD, and if only the pain would stop--and the other part of you just wants to hurt him and MAKE him leave you alone.<p>Okay. Here's what Plan B is, in human terms. Plan B is protecting yourself and your heart from this kind of hurt. Plan B is having no contact with your H as long as he is going to hurt you when you have contact. The idea is to meet NONE of his needs. <p>Here's where real life steps in, though. There can be legitimate reasons why you must have contact with him--like kids or finances. That's when there's a chance for him to get in a hurtful statement. Idostylin, you are divorced--the divorce is final--and as far as all the legal folks are concerned, you are just an acquaintance of his. He owes you no more and you owe him no more. <p>Soooo...if you have a legitimate reason to be in contact, then keep it very businesslike. I myself remind myself "Be a vulcan. Be a vulcan." (You know--Vulcans, from Star Trek. They have no emotions and control all their feelings.) If you are lonely or want to have some fun with someone etc. and your first instinct is to call your H--STOP!!! Make a list right now of what your ENs are and WAYS THAT YOU CAN MEET THEM WITHOUT HIM. Start meeting some of your own needs. Finally, start setting some rock wall boundaries. One of my boundaries (I'm doing better at this one, but I'm still not perfect) is if my H hangs up on me in anger, I do not call him back. Period. That's a big, red button for me, and if he pushes it, he knows that he's hurting me and doing it on purpose. So I call a halt to the hurt RIGHT THERE and don't call him back. <p>I think the boundaries one is probably the most important thing to implement. Right now, he may say the most god-awful things to you and damage you beyond repair, but hon, you also stand right there and take it...or drive on over to yell at him and get hurt...or call him back...or whatever it is that you do. <p>When you have calmed down and your heart has healed a little, think about your latest "fight" and try to see ways that you kept it going. I'm not blaming you, so don't get me wrong. But I'll use myself as an example.<p>In our latest fight, my H started to get triggered into rage, and I could see it coming. I tried and tried and tried to explain, but he just got more and more and more angry until he was raging. Well, when I explain, he hears it as making excuses and justifying. So, one way I kept it going was continuing to explain. When I saw it coming I should have just shut up and not given him fuel to burn me with. Then, when he yelled at me and walked away (that, "I had the final word" walk away), I followed after him and kept the fight going. I should have LET him walk away and not followed him.<p>Get it?<p>Now, I do not honestly think that because I continued to "explain" that I deserved to be yelled at--but I do think that I could have not added fuel to the fire. I am responsible for ME, and I could have just let him rage. I also do not think that following after him is justification for hateful words, but once again, I did keep the fight going. If I had let him walk away, he would have eventually calmed down and it would not have escalated.<p>Soooo...the boundaries are to protect YOU, not rules for him. Okay? Okay.<p>I'll write ya an email sweety.<p>
CJ

OMG - did you ever hit right on the head...
everything is acurate. even the part where you suggested that i kept it going... that i did... and i do it evertime. and it only sends hin into a pure rage... but this time he did and said things that just can't ever be taken back... <p>so i am truely ready for plan b...<p>thank you so much cj... i really need this... i really do need a support group becasue i feel so weak. i can't seem to stop myself from calling. i am about to crack up here, but i am determined to do what it takes to save myself... i will email you also... i need all the support i can get...

Mommy, Mommy everytime I hit myself in the head with this baseball bat it hurts me....<p>So what advice to you give the child, of course you tell them to quit hitting themselves. <p>Kim you see where the pain lies so stop doing the things that hurt you. It was hard as he!! for me but eventually I grew strong enough to stop torturing myself.<p>May the good Lord place you safely under His wing until this storm passes.....<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</p>

oh you mean i'm supposed to stop hitting myself in the head??? duh,that's what's wrong!!! okay i have one request can you please send someone to chop off my arms so i can't keep hitting myself... i don't feel like i can manage any other way...<p>Why am i such an idiot... it's almost like i like the abuse or something...NE way, thanks for the support... i guess it must be hard to help someone that won't help themselves...