Wiffty,<p>The thing you said on a thread about it bugging you that the ex's don't have to be accountable on where the money goes on child support is bugging the crap out of me! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Enough to where I got back out of bed to post. sheesh...hehe<p>So here's my vent to you. Watch out for the flames and duck. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] You may need a fire extinguisher for this one. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Within less than two weeks I spent this...<p>$20.00 haircuts
$60.00 new bat
$35.00 new baseball shoes
$250.00 groceries (mind you 13 and 10 yr old boys eat alot)
$80.00 lunch money, (40.00 each for the month)
$10.00 video rental
$200.00 swim team registration/swim suits and goggles
$35.00 entertainment
$20.00 ($10.00 each per week for not fighting, picking up the living and doing homework before I get off work)<p>That's $710.00 just off the top of my head. If I sit here long enough I could think of other things I spent this week, I am sure!<p>On top of that I still have to pay for half of glasses, dental cost, etc., and before it's all said and done this week I have to buy new shoes for older son, new underwear for both and new shorts for summer!<p>That does not include the shelter, the additional water, gas, and electric bills...the additional laundry, the cooking of all the food!<p>AND AAAANND you better bet, I will not send this list to stbx, heck he can think about all the things I buy and provide for my children and he do the math himself!<p>I think it's just controlling to think that you need your ex to be accountable for the child support money you sent. I think it's just like my ex, trying to find ways to keep me in his life and make me answer to him.<p>Oky doky....now I'm going to sleep. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Which btw, I hope you still consider me a friend after this...hehe [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and hopefully you did before this? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

I wasn't responding that you necessarily weren't spending CS properly. . . However, what does bug me, is when my X tells daughter that she CAN'T have something because X bought a car, and yet,
X gets $1,600 per month, and has a free house, free food, and free utilities. . . . plus her own salary of $50K. . . . and daughter wanted something very minor. . . and reasonable. . .<p>so when someone says it doesn't matter how CS is spent, and the money is being wasted instead of going to the benefit of my kids, that i made the money for, then i would get pissed and would consider challenging that assumption. . . . <p>the attitude of blatant disregard for the intent of CS was what i was attacking, and although i should have put a name on it, my comment was toward the previous poster on the thread,, whom I don't remember at the moment. . . .<p>you are fine, and are struggling with your issues as everyone else here is also. . . i had no issues with you. . . the issue i have is with irresponsible statements of support. . .<p>wiftty

(((Anna)))<p>As with a lot of things in this forum, wiffty's comments were related to experience and I can truly relate to the comments.<p>I pay 71% of all medical, pay for insurance on my girls, pay child support, pay 1/2 for all school/recreational activities, buy the girls shoes, buy the girls clothes, do all the driving etc. and in my case I have the girls 50% of the time.<p>I am on a strict and tight budget. My X will go out and spend money friviously on herself and then when the girls need something it's "ask your dad". I understand and appreciate the logic of having CS and what the appropiate uses should be. As a matter of fact they are stated rather well in a Kansas Supreme Court ruling and it is just frustrating when the dollars that are for the welfare of your children are spent on the petty wants of the X.<p>Just like not all men are PIGS <well maybe that's an overstatement>, not all women do this, but from what I've seen it's more the norm than the exception.

Anna--<p>I know it's frustrating when you don't have a cooperative Ex. Like that last wave of phone calls I got from mine...the girls had mentioned that we're going to Disneyworld this summer and Ex screeched how dare I use child support from him to sponsor OUR trip to Disneyworld. Huh??? Not that it was any of his business, but our TAX RETURN is paying for our trip (Tom's and mine). Burned me up, him accusing me of spending support "frivolously." He has no idea how much it actually costs TO support two children and if he thinks his monthly support covers it, he's WRONG. Besides, what does he think I'm doing when he DOESN'T pay support???? Sorry, kids, can't eat this month???? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oops, I vented. Hang in there, Anna.

My ex has similar issues with how I spend "his" child support. He wanted me to go along with an off the record agreement for him to pay 1/2 of the kid costs - clothes food etc. - instead of going through "the system" which would "screw" him - oh and he'd give me more money than the child support would be set at - yada yada<p>He blew a gasket over me going to Cedar Point last summer and leaving the kids with my sister and their cousins, how I was spending "HIS" child support on ME - when I had free tickets, we packed a lunch; didn't even drive my own car! Does he think that my salary is rightfully his too, or what? Unreal.<p>He likes to play Super Dad by buying our son pizza for lunch every Friday. Woooo - $2 a week is all it takes to get in good with junior. While I am still buying Pull-ups for a 7 and 4 year old (and D**N those are expensive) and all the other things that go unnoticed. I miss work to take them to doctor and dentist appts.; believe me, there is NO appreciation for that.<p>I budget so as not to expect or need that piddly $75 a week. So if I put every child support check into a Christmas club account and go nuts for the holidays on the kids, so be it ... I sure as shootin' don't need to be accountable to him or to Friend of the Court or anyone else on how that money gets spent!<p>Now, from a guys' perspective, and every one seems to have an ex with primary custody who gets way more money than they need, and they all squander it ... maybe I just can't see it from that perspective. Sorry guys. I'm sure a lot of you have legitimate gripes.

I am going to get roasted and toasted, sliced and diced, fried and fileted for this answer but here it is: (this is diddallas, btw, changed my username!)<p>as you all know, I just got awarded CS last week and I fully intend to use the first paymt to help put a down payment on a car for my current husband. He broke his and it was on its last leg and he needs a car.<p>That's not what CS is for, you say? <p>This is the same h that worked tons of overtime to take us to Disneyworld in 2000 and x didn't even give d a $ to spend there.<p>Same h who does without to pay for Girl Scout camp, dance lessons, choir fees, Christmas gifts (x doesn't believe in Xmas), birthday gifts (apparently he doesn't believe in those either), dance dresses, corsages, video games, haircuts, shoes, bras, socks, panties, tv--whatever d needs and most of what she wants--while x has spent maybe $400 over the last 4 years on her. <p>Same h who takes her to Six Flags (dad was going to once but since his gf couldn't go, d got dumped), water park, zoo, movies--wherever x is too lazy to take her.<p>Same h whose paycheck makes it possible to live in a fairly decent home with me having a new vehicle while he drives a piece of crap. We even have electricity and running water. He does this without complaining and if using CS to get another car so he can continue to provide us with this lifestyle, that what I will do.<p>I think it's just controlling to think that you need your ex to be accountable for the child support money you sent.I think a lot of parents who pay CS try the same control tactics...by God if they have to pay, then they are going to say where it goes. NOT!!! <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>However, what does bug me, is when my X tells daughter that she CAN'T have something because X bought a car, and yet,
X gets $1,600 per month, and has a free house, free food, and free utilities. . . . plus her own salary of $50K. . . . and daughter wanted something very minor. . . and reasonable. . .
so when someone says it doesn't matter how CS is spent, and the money is being wasted instead of going to the benefit of my kids, that i made the money for, then i would get pissed and would consider challenging that assumption. . . . <p>the attitude of blatant disregard for the intent of CS was what i was attacking, and although i should have put a name on it, my comment was toward the previous poster on the thread,,
<hr></blockquote>
The intent of child support is to be able to provide a decent home, food to eat and clothes to wear for the children of divorced parents. IMO, your x buying a car (and my h buying one) are completely justified--if you don't have a car, how can you work and support the kids?? Frankly, my dear, I think you are pissed because you struggle financially and your x seems to be living a good easy life...not that your feelings aren't valid--hey, they're yours and you are entitled to them.<p>Laura,
I would have said "Yep! I'll think of you everytime I see Mickey!" (think my mouth is why x and I butt heads soooo much?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )
LH,
I would be very interested in reading that verdict. Can you point me to it?<p>Buttercup,
Thank you.<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: franklymydears ]</p>

Franklymydears,<p>to tell a child that she can't have something simply because X bought a car is a deceitful answer. money is not the issue with the amount of money she has, she can easily afford what the child was asking for. so lying or making up a reason for whatever reason burns my butt. . .<p>now, she had a perfectly good car before the divorce, and when she started complaining about the car before we were divorced, i offered to buy a suburban, and i was told, "the only reason you want to buy a Suburban is to keep up with your rich friends." OK, that was a DJ to the max, and a suburban cost @$30 K.<p>As soon as the divorce was final, she went out and bought a fully loaded eddie bauer expedition at $45K, but the children can't have simple stuff. . .<p>now i don't tell her what buy or not, i agree that is controlling, however, i have an opinion on how she spends her money, and her attitudes about investment and budgeting. . . . . . and that is what i expressed . . .<p>i think outright lying to the child is poor parenting, and selfish, being two faced is very disordered, and then telling me that she would rather be poor to get sympathy and doesn't want to look rich is very manipulative.<p>yeah, you are legally correct in that the money is fungible, and you can't distinguish between whose dollars are whose. . . but to play financially poor me when she is far from it really pisses me off. . . because it leads the kids to misunderstand the value and use of money. . . and for awhile, the kids were saying outrageous statements to me about other people, how rich they were, etc. . . and these "values" are being imprinted and are very degrading to hard earned money. . . .<p>so there is more to the statements than just
nanah-booboo, i can spent the CS money any way i choose, and flaunt it, and be irresponsbile with it. the lessons learned at this age can be hard to reverse. . . . and she learned these impulsive car buying and skimp everywhere else from her FOO, so i understand the future impact of irresponsible statements and actions on my kids . . ..<p>
wiftty

Wiffty,<p>I'm curious. What was it she said "no" to? You've mentioned it a few times but never mention the item.<p>Ask yourself this...<p>Does she keep the kids in nice close and shoes and provide well for them?<p>Nice house for them?<p>Good food for them to eat?<p>If so, then it's her choice to say "No every now and then for whatever reason."<p>If not, then take her back to court.<p>Perhaps she was thinking the kids don't need to get everything they ask for...maybe daughter wasn't behaving well, maybe daughter is playing you both and you didn't hear the whole story... but for whatever reason, she decided to say no.<p>It's not your $1600 that is affording that auto she wanted, it's her choice to get whatever car she wants. She has a pretty nice income and part of that income is no mortage. In all she probably makes at least $70,000 a year. So if they want a nice car for their family, I think it's their business.<p>I am sure you don't mean to come across this way, but you are sounding envious that she is doing so well and can provide so much for her family.<p>I also have to say that I think defining her as a deadbeat mom in your other post was grossly exagerated, in the end of the post you even said for the most part she doesn't take away your days, and it's just that you hate the sad face she puts on. I think we need to be careful using the word deadbeat parents and make sure we don't over abuse it.<p>LH,<p>Perhaps you should tell your children "Tell your mother to buy it, I pay $X in child support just for those items." If you can't then I'd say that's something you are choosing to do. <p>I wrote this fast as I have a ball game to attend. Sorry if sounds a little blunt. But you guys are men [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] you can take it. hehe. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Laura, TR and FMD,<p>I didn't mean to ignore you guys...In the words of Arnold Schartenager "I'll be back. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA

Laura,<p>Yep, they just don't get how much clothes and food cost. My very, very, this month or early next month in fact, soon to be ex's child support is just a small fraction of my cost.<p>Laura btw, the last time I read something about your ex I believe you were taking him back to court. How's that going?<p>PB,<p>Yep, if my ex had his way he'd hold the money and make me show receipts and then he could say "Well, I think you should have bought this at WalMart instead of target or you should have asked me before you spent this much money." It "ain't" gonna happen.<p>FMD,<p>Good for you on getting that car! Yep, the kids do need reliable transportation.<p>I know a dad who has custody and his wife pulled the same thing, "Don't I get receipts or something showing what you are spending with my child support money?" He said, "Nope." Sickening when he makes sure his daughter has the things she needs.<p>The only parents I could see that would be questionable are those who take the money and use it for drugs, alcohol or such while their children walk around with old clothes or shoes. I'd have a huge problem there and would hope the other parent would take their butts back to court. <p>OH btw, WE WON! My son's baseball game that is. We almost lost because the 2nd pitcher lost his confidence and walked enough runs in to tie the game. Poor guy, I felt bad for him. They are so hard on themselves. Anyway, then in the overtime inning we pulled it off 8 to 11! YIPPEE!<p>c'ya'll,<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>I agree...I would never use CS for anything immoral or illegal...(though I did put a bug in d's ear that I was planning a trip to Vegas hoping that she'd tell x! I have to pray every night about the wickedness that comes out of my mouth!)<p>I just know x is going to want to know what I spend it on. I'm gonna say the drunk on the corner needed beer--so it's a charitable contribution. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

(((wiftty)))<p>I don't think yours is an issue of CP needing to account to NCP of how CS is spent.<p>I think yours is an issue of having an XW that says things she shouldn't to the kids ...<p>and we're all guilty of that.<p>My XH would never, ever be happy, even if he had to personally authorize every purchase I made with "his" CS. It's an issue you just have to let go. She is never going to parent the way you would in her situation, and vice versa. If it gets out of hand, go to court, otherwise ... just let go. Hard to do, I know. I have to try and take my advice every week when I see XH and he starts in on me.<p>I remember hearing how I couldn't have this or that because we couldn't afford it, and how Dad "only" gave Mom $25 a week (or was it month?) and I remember being young enough to think that $25 was a LOT of money ... I remember thinking that it should go directly to me at one point :^D<p>I have a different problem. Dad and Grandma spend and spend and spend on the kids, and I can't afford to do that. (Dad has no rent, car payments, utilities, etc. living with parents.) So of course the kids always want to be there, where all their stuff is (that they are not allowed to bring home), where they get to choose what they want to eat and when like they're at a restaurant, where they watch videos all day, where they have full attention on them because Grandma doesn't work, or have to clean house or do the bills while they are there. She can buy them toys and candy every time they go to the store. (I keep saying 'they'/'them' but a lot of times one child is favored much more than the other, but that's another stinky issue.)<p>This irritates me so much, but there is really NOTHING I can do, except try to "let it go" ... which you can see by my last diatribe that I have a very difficult time doing ...

PB,<p>one of the ways of letting go is to let the anger fly here, and it is hard to let go with selfish people . . .<p>the real reason why?<p>after listening to years and years of X *****ing and moaning and fighting for gender equality issues, the courts enforce income equality, but not time equality. . . . so the equality issues go every way, but mine, and after hearing about the unfairness of female inequalities all my marriage, equality has become only one way, FEMALE equality, not equality for equalities sake. . . .<p>i can live with income equality. . . . but where's my equality then? and then we complain about my inequality is too much?<p>the rollercoaster is mostly flattened out, however, i just hate what i am seeing, and the selfishness just irritates the crap out of me. . .
because that is how the kids will grow up, and long time ago, complained about me and said that the kids will have a very hard life. . . well, she is making that statement come true, but not because of me, but because of her. . .<p>manipulators know and spot other manipulators, know how to stay away from people they can't manipulate, and hang around with ones than they can manipulate. . . that was one of the reasons why she chose this path. . . POJA was unfair to her selfishness and her demands for instant gratification and sympathy. . . . .<p>so i am done now, i will give the kids different experiences, and if i ever get a job, then i will be much better off than where i am now. . .<p>however, i would rather take my frustrations out on you and here than on the X or the kids. . . .<p>i am just frustrated with my life right now, and I am doing as much as i can to improve it, and in some senses i am running out of time, and in others, i can't wait for the time to be over. . . .<p>i know the real issues, and it was me being too nice, and not knowing the most effective way to beat the crap out of her in court. . . i was not tyring to burn bridges, and should have. it would have been more effective. . .. <p>oh, and ANNA, the item was less than $100, what ever the item was that daughter was asking for, and she couldn't have because of the car payments. <p>so letting go is good, and i continue to do it, but sometimes its hard for a few days. . . and to see the continued perpetrator and have to be nice to her kills me. . . .<p>wiftty<p>enough, lets let this thread die, i am just grumpy this week, and need not be. . .